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We recently held a simple graveside service when my MIL passed away a couple of weeks ago. We had an officiant read a passage from The Bible and say a few words. A friend sang a couple of hymns. In all, I think the service lasted maybe 15 mins. Then we went for lunch at her favorite restaurant. Maybe you could drive around the town and reminisce with your daughter. Make it an overnight and get tickets to a festive holiday show. Eat at a fancy restaurant and toast to your dad. Share funny, awful, sad, sweet stories and honestly share your feelings. Funerals are for the living. Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you will remember the day you honored your father. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your daughter. I hope the road trip is a special time for the two of you.
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I just want to say, I am very sorry for your lost.

My God be with you in your time of dispare.
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Hi Demstress… I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose someone you love.
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I’m in a similar situation. My MIL passed away Saturday and we are traveling out of state to bury her this Thursday. We’ve announced the graveside service on FB and it will be in the obituary in the local paper but I expect few people. My husband is emotional and won’t be able to speak, and I don’t think I will either. I was her caretaker for 6 years and we were very close. Fortunately we have a sweet pastor of their old church coming to officiate and I am emailing him a few stories, anecdotes, and favorite scriptures for him to incorporate. I agree that the funeral is for the living and that few in attendance doesn’t mean his life was insignificant. If anything he lived a long and memorable life and outlived everyone! You know the legacy he left you. Was it his faith? Humor? Work ethic? Celebrate that in your heart and you will know you remember him well. Memory eternal.
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anonymous567821 Dec 2018
Originalamyj
I send my sympathy to you. Years ago a close friend of mine passed and it was very unexpected. We had worked together for eleven years and taught me some great things. When her family had her memorial service, it was held in her daughters home. My daughter accompanied me to the service and on the way we talked how my friend was a friend. Well it came to a time when we were all in a large circle and everyone was asked to say something. It came to my turn... I broke, I couldn't say a thing, my daughter, sitting next to me took over. She said everything I couldn't. It could be that standing in front of everyone you wouldn't be able to say anything but people know... people know that you loved your mother in law and just because you cannot speak in front of the crowd they know... they know.
God bless you and your husband.
Peace be with you
hgn
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If your father was a veteran, there may be a local group from his branch of service that would supply a flag, flowers or a representative to your tiny gathering. The funeral director should know.
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STAND AND SPEAK TO HEAVEN...ABOUT THE DAD HE WAS...AND HOW HIS LEGACY THROUGH THE BOTH OF YOU WILL BLESS THOSE COMING AFTER HIM

DR COPPERTINO
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Did your dad serve in WWII? My dad did and he had a navy color guard, flag draped on coffin folded and presented to mom and beautiful rendition of taps. My mother-in-law had a short graveside service. I read a poem that exemplified her. Perhaps your dad had a favorite song. Mom's service included a little vocal solo accompanied by ukelele, an old WWI song called Smile A While (Til We Meet Again).
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My condolences on your loss. Have you considered telling your husband YOU need him, and would appreciate his presence? Sometimes our feelings need to be clearly communicated. To make the service special, you can read a poem or psalm, or sing your dad's favorite song. Ask your daughter to select something she thinks her granddad would have liked. For my mom's service in 2014, I found the sign in book from her father's service which took place in 1956. There was a poem inside the book and I read that. It felt like it helped connect her to the dad she lost, and helped me feel good about an otherwise somber occasion.
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We had a small (not as small as your's) group for my grandmothers burial after the funeral and it was very nice. We buried her ashes with her mother, brother's and father and included a bu shawl or blanket that was special to her, she was a Buddhist for a portion of her life and those that were inspired to talked about her, stories that stood out for them and we just spent time there together. We also planted some things but it was a time of year that allowed that.

My other grandmother just my father, 2 brothers and I took her ashes out to what we call the point and scattered them into the ocean, it's a spot important to her and on the property she both grew up on and lived on for most of her life (summers in the end), she owned one of the family homes still there on the shore. It was very quick and very special we just hugged each other and enjoyed the moment, we talked about her walking out to the point and then again on the way back.

It can be as simple and unspoken or as celebratory with words from someone assisting, clergy, funeral home, friend and include something particularly important to him or not. Whatever makes it special and a real closure for you and your daughter. Peace be with you both, sounds like he had a good and productive long life, surrounded till the end by those who loved him, that's the best any of us can ask for in life and passing.
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Hi,

Im am sorry for your loss, truly. Couple of idea's that might help...First is military, the gratitude for his service is so moving, taps off in the distance.... A friends father passed away, after years of debilitation seizure disorder, they had " lost him ", many years before he passed, much like alz. At the grave side, when prayers were all said and done there were 3 young girls among the others who quietly began to sing. Alleluia. As they sang they got "stronger" with their voices and by the last chores people had tears running. No one knew about the arrangement except his daughter, she arranged that via the church youth chorus. Even the funeral director didnt know and boy, he was as stunned as the rest of us. It was breathtaking.

In your post, you mentioned something that I am in the middle of and I wanted to thank you for saying out loud, what I was thinking. My mom, 91, wants to plan "the event!" she is over 20K now and climbing. I am an only child, she has been a bastard from day 1 and believe me their will be very few standing beside me when time comes. AND to be SURE the event is well done, she wants it pre-paid. Your words made sense to me- at that age, there is just no one left. Again, I am sorry you lost your dad, hang in there.
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sing his favorite hymn as a group.that's what we did at
mu husbands gravesite...it's very touching...
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Dem, your dad was on hospice, right?
Bereavement counseling was available to me as a postdeath benefit under my mom’s MediCARE hospice. You’ve been day by day in the trenches for both your folks, and I think you would do well to find out if it’s available to you and get it.

If it can can be extended for hubs, try to get him to do it too. It will be 1-on-1 so he’ll get the attention his narcissism needs.

my suggestion for on site is to ask one of the FH or cemetery personnel to use your phone and video the brief ceremony. Then later you or your daughter can edit in fotos of his life, your mom, work, family and you can add voiceover. I’d try to also get a panoramic of the cemetery and center in on a beautiful tree or plantings or bird. May the day be sunny!
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This is probably not directly helpful to the OP but some of what was said makes me believe it will help others: It is helpful if a funeral or memorial service is held on a weekend. My father's death was on a Monday, and I decided it would be best to have the funeral on Saturday. My mother (who was too weak to attend the out-of-state funeral) asked why not have it sooner. Besides my having some business travel that had been already scheduled for later in the week, I said that many of the people who would be likely to attend live several hours away from where it was to be held so it would make it immeasurably easier for them to come if they didn't have to take off from work, school or other responsibilities, and the extra days in between would allow them to plan more easily. My father was very well-liked, so sure enough we had a wonderful "crowd" of people who wanted to be there.
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When my 2 brothers passed our small family had graveside services. There were about 9 of us. My husband spoke briefly and then each person who wanted to said something they wanted to say. It was simple, sweet, and short. My nieces and nephew like to go to their fathers favorite restaurant and celebrate their dad each year. We did have a memorial at my dad's house for my brother which was attended by friends and out of town family.

I'm sorry for your loss. God bless you as you move forward.
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Years ago my mother put on a program for parents of her blue bird group she was so nervous as if she was doing it correctly. My fathers advise was... You do your program as to what you need to show and it will come out wonderful.
Well she did and when I had a program to do my mother told me this story. I have advised others the same and I advise you the same... there are wonderful examples in all the answers I have read. Please do what you believe is the most memorable to you and everything will be great... be it favorite hymns, songs, poems, stories, pictures, videos, dancing, walking, hiking. It will turn out very memorable for you and your family.
One other example... My uncle died years ago, my mother was very ill and she was considered next of kin... so I took on the task of the funeral. My mother had a very, very, very critical cousin that I knew was coming to the funeral, which did not bother me but it bothered my mother. I let everyone know, by word of mouth, that if there was any... ANY questions regarding this funeral it was to be brought to me and NOT to my mother. My mothers cousin came to the funeral, gave her condolences to my mother and all the family (I know this cuz I watched her and sat with my mother as she came by) and never did I hear or heard of one ounce of disapproval from anyone. If there was then my mother and my family never heard and didn't care because we did a great job.
Let me say that I am sorry for your loss and pray you have peace.
God bless you and your family.
hgn
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The letting go of doves or balloons as an expression of freedom from an illness. A player of instrument to a favorite song, reading of a poem, and expressing your love as you know in words. "I am sorry for you loss."
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Unless your dad was religious then ditch the priest - why pay for a stranger to read some words

Instead why not put together some songs he liked and both of you read a poem that either he liked or you reminds you of him or his life

If it was my dad I would know which songs to pick & I would hire a man who did the bag pipes to do AMAZING GRACE - so pick what represence him to you
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Demstress:

I am sorry for your loss.

When someone lives until 96 years old, it is not unusual for there be few people who can physically attend.

As others have suggested: singing one of his favorite songs, or playing pre-recorded music, or reading a poem.....all sound like a wonderful tribute.

Personally, I would not insist that your husband attend, being that they did not get along. It may bring negative energy to the event.
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Play his favorite song. One that reminds you of him
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corinna Dec 2018
That is a wonderful idea - hope you know someone who can sing well. Otherwise, a recording will be fine.
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So sorry for your loss. Your Dad lived a long life & had many experiences...you & daughter must’ve had happy memories of him so you can each talk of the happy times...& then you can go out to eat at his favorite restaurant ! Don’t expect anything from husband now if he wasn’t there for you when your Father was sick...
you’ll know how to handle it if husband gets sick....you can decide not to be there for him
...if you still want to stay with him, or not. What a selfish act to not be there for you when you’re grieving....Hugs to you 🤗
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I had a dear friend of the family do the eulogy. He didn't know my husband (we lived half way across the country), but he did know me and what a great marriage we had. So his eulogy was so wonderful it brought everyone to tears while they were smiling and nodding their approval. Hope you know someone like that.
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Very sorry. My own dad died this year and I know what you may be growing through. Based on his age, I am wondering if your dad was a vet.

My dad was, and they had an honor guard at the gravesite with rifle volleys and the soldier presents the flag from the casket to my mom. So TOUCHING. If he is a vet, I would look into this.
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Karsten Dec 2018
sorry, I see your mom will not attend, but soldier could still present flag to you, or, maybe solider could come to your moms home and present it
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My circumstances with my DH were similar, him reaching 96 yrs 8 mos.

I opted for the Living Urn and planted a tree in him memory. Now when I see the tree, I am visiting my departed DH.
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Very sorry for your loss. By the time my late mother passed away at the age of 94, many of her relatives, family and friends had predeased her. We made it work, though, with a fine service when my husband located a book my mother had tucked away saying "Funeral." What a genius woman she was! She foretold her own funeral!
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I am so sorry for your lose. I lost my dad and mom three weeks apart and I know the pain you are going thru.
I also had just a small group of people. my dad and mom were both 93. it was only four people there. rest of family to old or gone already.
what I decided to do was an hour wake , with closed casket.
we sat around for the hour and told stories of my dad to each other that were edged in our memories. we laughed and cried.
than we went to the burial site. dad was a vet so I had the vets honors funeral. that brought us to tears.
what I did do shortly after dads death was I wrote to the navy which dad was in and asked them if dad had any medals that he never received and low and behold they had seven honor medals for him. so I asked them to send me them.
for Christmas I will give my son who has small children dads world war two flag given to us and his medals to keep in the family.
so to me the very special good bye to dad was having his legacy of his service medals to continue to be handed down through out the years from one family member to the next....
I miss them both so much.
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Pperhaps a favorite song?
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My much-older brother passed at 69, of a sudden heart attack. His funeral was amazing, lots of relatives, co-workers, church people, community.  His wife lived until her early 90's, and there were very few people left that had known her. Her sons had an informal service at the funeral home, with about 4 people other than the family (two sons, 1 daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren and me). We then drove to my SIL's home town, with her cremains in a ceramic container, which were interred there with my brother. There were a few cousins there. We had another remembrance there.  I don't recall what was said, but I do know we spent some time recalling her life and the service there for her husband. This was about ten years ago, and the memory still brings tears (she was my "big sister" and one of my earliest mentors).
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so sorry for your loss...
how about lighting a scented candle- a scent that will forever remind you of your dad?
Play one of his favorite songs...
Read a favorite poem .... write a letter and put it in his casket for him.
sometimes simplicity is more meaningful.
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Bless you for being such a loving daughter to your Dad. Here are some things we have done before. At my Mom's graveside service, we gave the attending few(8 with 2 being children) in the circle standing around her grave an opportunity to share something about my mom that was memorable to them. For some it was an event they had shared, for others it was something she taught them either through a lesson of sorts or just being a role model. I was surprised that even my Dad, who is an introvert off the chart, seldom speaking outloud especially in groups, shared some thoughts about his 63 years of marriage with her.It was beautiful! Everyone seemed to be comfortable in sharing after we got started and to this day, people still talk about it. It turned out to be a good thing. Just an idea. We also gave out little butterflies (Mother loved them) filled with seeds that people could plant and it would grow as a remembrance of her. Maybe you and your loved one could plant a tree in his honor. Or perhaps if there are more than 2 people, you could prepare something like a bookmark with a picture of him and a poem or something like that. I know it gets harder when folks get older it seems, as there are fewer people to attend, but even if it's only you and your daughter, that can be a special time too. Just having a peaceful time together with no words at all can be low profile and dignified, just as you describe your Dad. Thinking of you with positive thoughts.
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My Aunt was 94 when she passed away. She had been living in a nursing home in another state and most residents were unable to get to the funeral home she had chosen, so the nursing home held a service for her (I found out later). I went to the funeral and took testimonials from my non-attending siblings to be read by the minister. It was sad so few people were there, but she was later interred next to her husband at a lovely private ceremony in a lovely little cemetery as the sun broke through the clouds and a bird started singing. All unplanned by me.
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