First I want to thank all who have answered my questions over the year. You have been so helpful and kind and I will be forever grateful.
Father passed away this week at 96 years old. We are having the funeral out of state. Few family and friends will attend the small graveside service we will be holding. It will just be me and my daughter there. My mother is too ill to attend and other family members are too frail. The younger members in the family I think didn't know him well so they don't have the inclination to come.
I would like to make the brief service memorable and am looking for some thoughts on what my daughter and I can do. Father was a hardworking and quiet man who would want something low key and dignified.
Mother seems to want a big funeral like those she remembers for other family members who died years ago. Hundreds of people came to those funerals. But most of father's friends have passed on or are too ill to come. The younger members of the family won't come if it is inconvenient for them. My husband is not coming either. He and my father did not get along well. My husband doesn't understand that his attendance is really a support for me during this time. My friends have been very comforting and have said that I should not hesitate to ask for help if I need it. I got no such offer from my husband. But I don't expect much from him because he is very narcissistic.
I, with the help of my daughter, have been doing all the planning and working with a very helpful funeral home.
We are going to dispense with the viewing because it is not necessary if it is just going to be us there. So we settled for a graveside service but we would like to make it more memorable and not simply a priest reading a prayer and that's it. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
This last September, from out-of-state, I arranged a gravesite service for about 10 people on a Friday. My mother (87) and father (94) wanted their ashes combined in an urn and buried near my mother's family. The local funeral home of a tiny town was the paramount to our ceremony being a success (with some much needed healing).
The director helped me arrange for tent & chairs, pastor of their religion, urn, grave marker, comingling of the ashes, urn burial, their favorite song, my brother and me reading our goodbyes, and a veteran salute by soldiers from the base he last served, and TAPS. She was an angel and really helped me with my budget.
I lucked out. A week before I learned that a niece nearby was getting married the day after the memorial - so my dear cousins, 3 aunts and an uncle that came into town, joined us. Things just kept changing- for the better.
The day of the memorial, it was supposed to rain and the cemetery folks were concerned that we might get hurt in the mud. The director let us use her beautiful chapel (with bathrooms). Many delightful surprises - 3 musician cousins came and sang sweet songs and funny songs from 1946. Soon we had about 25 people in the chapel, people who cared about my parents. We laughed and cried.
Dear lizzywho61: do have little ideas that made the ceremony easier for me. My tribute to my mom was really an obit of her family life and career. The night before my flight, my brother sent me an photo album of pictures that my mom had not finished. In the stack of pictures, I found one of her and her best friend at 16. They were laughing and cutting up for the camera. I changed my essay to what I loved about her: her beauty, her silly humor, and loving my Dad. I wanted a memorial not a funeral.
Also, months before the ceremony, I emailed & texted all those relatives to let them know what I was working on even to the ones that could not be there. I sent updates to the director. I talked to the pastor. I talked to the cemetery staff, the marble cutters, and the local restaurant where we met afterwards. What that really did was made everyone family, which is really what my parents wanted. People are so kind. And, some of them were able to join us.
Oh - a member of this blog, once referred me to a book "Forgiving for Good" by Dr. Luskin. Many lessons. Read it 4 times. He talked about "unenforceable rules". The real key is that we do better when we HOPE someone gives us what we need instead of DEMAND.
I hope your husband joins you to share the life of your father. I would simply tell him "I hope you come with me. I would love to have you by my side." Then let go.
My husband was the key to a beautiful memorial and a very happy time with my family.
& Thank you to the group. You all helped me today.
My thoughts are with you
My Dad was not affiliated with a particular church. The Funeral Director had a Pastor that the Funeral Home uses say a few words. We only had graveside service. The Pastor and I had a brief conversation. We talked about Dads life, his thoughts on his family and some of his funny quirks. The Pastor summed it all up nicely, threw in some humor, my sister, and close family really liked it.
The Funeral Director also suggested since my Dad was a Veteran to let the VFW do their thing. It was awesome. Complete with flag on coffin, firing of guns, flag folding. The flag was presented to me. My sister insisted. The Funeral Director coordinated Pastor and VFW.
Hope this helped
pt
how about lighting a scented candle- a scent that will forever remind you of your dad?
Play one of his favorite songs...
Read a favorite poem .... write a letter and put it in his casket for him.
sometimes simplicity is more meaningful.
I also had just a small group of people. my dad and mom were both 93. it was only four people there. rest of family to old or gone already.
what I decided to do was an hour wake , with closed casket.
we sat around for the hour and told stories of my dad to each other that were edged in our memories. we laughed and cried.
than we went to the burial site. dad was a vet so I had the vets honors funeral. that brought us to tears.
what I did do shortly after dads death was I wrote to the navy which dad was in and asked them if dad had any medals that he never received and low and behold they had seven honor medals for him. so I asked them to send me them.
for Christmas I will give my son who has small children dads world war two flag given to us and his medals to keep in the family.
so to me the very special good bye to dad was having his legacy of his service medals to continue to be handed down through out the years from one family member to the next....
I miss them both so much.
I opted for the Living Urn and planted a tree in him memory. Now when I see the tree, I am visiting my departed DH.
My dad was, and they had an honor guard at the gravesite with rifle volleys and the soldier presents the flag from the casket to my mom. So TOUCHING. If he is a vet, I would look into this.
you’ll know how to handle it if husband gets sick....you can decide not to be there for him
...if you still want to stay with him, or not. What a selfish act to not be there for you when you’re grieving....Hugs to you 🤗
I am sorry for your loss.
When someone lives until 96 years old, it is not unusual for there be few people who can physically attend.
As others have suggested: singing one of his favorite songs, or playing pre-recorded music, or reading a poem.....all sound like a wonderful tribute.
Personally, I would not insist that your husband attend, being that they did not get along. It may bring negative energy to the event.
Instead why not put together some songs he liked and both of you read a poem that either he liked or you reminds you of him or his life
If it was my dad I would know which songs to pick & I would hire a man who did the bag pipes to do AMAZING GRACE - so pick what represence him to you
Well she did and when I had a program to do my mother told me this story. I have advised others the same and I advise you the same... there are wonderful examples in all the answers I have read. Please do what you believe is the most memorable to you and everything will be great... be it favorite hymns, songs, poems, stories, pictures, videos, dancing, walking, hiking. It will turn out very memorable for you and your family.
One other example... My uncle died years ago, my mother was very ill and she was considered next of kin... so I took on the task of the funeral. My mother had a very, very, very critical cousin that I knew was coming to the funeral, which did not bother me but it bothered my mother. I let everyone know, by word of mouth, that if there was any... ANY questions regarding this funeral it was to be brought to me and NOT to my mother. My mothers cousin came to the funeral, gave her condolences to my mother and all the family (I know this cuz I watched her and sat with my mother as she came by) and never did I hear or heard of one ounce of disapproval from anyone. If there was then my mother and my family never heard and didn't care because we did a great job.
Let me say that I am sorry for your loss and pray you have peace.
God bless you and your family.
hgn
I'm sorry for your loss. God bless you as you move forward.
Bereavement counseling was available to me as a postdeath benefit under my mom’s MediCARE hospice. You’ve been day by day in the trenches for both your folks, and I think you would do well to find out if it’s available to you and get it.
If it can can be extended for hubs, try to get him to do it too. It will be 1-on-1 so he’ll get the attention his narcissism needs.
my suggestion for on site is to ask one of the FH or cemetery personnel to use your phone and video the brief ceremony. Then later you or your daughter can edit in fotos of his life, your mom, work, family and you can add voiceover. I’d try to also get a panoramic of the cemetery and center in on a beautiful tree or plantings or bird. May the day be sunny!
mu husbands gravesite...it's very touching...
Im am sorry for your loss, truly. Couple of idea's that might help...First is military, the gratitude for his service is so moving, taps off in the distance.... A friends father passed away, after years of debilitation seizure disorder, they had " lost him ", many years before he passed, much like alz. At the grave side, when prayers were all said and done there were 3 young girls among the others who quietly began to sing. Alleluia. As they sang they got "stronger" with their voices and by the last chores people had tears running. No one knew about the arrangement except his daughter, she arranged that via the church youth chorus. Even the funeral director didnt know and boy, he was as stunned as the rest of us. It was breathtaking.
In your post, you mentioned something that I am in the middle of and I wanted to thank you for saying out loud, what I was thinking. My mom, 91, wants to plan "the event!" she is over 20K now and climbing. I am an only child, she has been a bastard from day 1 and believe me their will be very few standing beside me when time comes. AND to be SURE the event is well done, she wants it pre-paid. Your words made sense to me- at that age, there is just no one left. Again, I am sorry you lost your dad, hang in there.
My other grandmother just my father, 2 brothers and I took her ashes out to what we call the point and scattered them into the ocean, it's a spot important to her and on the property she both grew up on and lived on for most of her life (summers in the end), she owned one of the family homes still there on the shore. It was very quick and very special we just hugged each other and enjoyed the moment, we talked about her walking out to the point and then again on the way back.
It can be as simple and unspoken or as celebratory with words from someone assisting, clergy, funeral home, friend and include something particularly important to him or not. Whatever makes it special and a real closure for you and your daughter. Peace be with you both, sounds like he had a good and productive long life, surrounded till the end by those who loved him, that's the best any of us can ask for in life and passing.