Follow
Share

My father in law recently had a stroke. Happened one month after I married his daughter. He has no income or savings, the medical bills are enormous, and unfortunately none of his immediate family cares much about him. He has three other children besides my wife, and only one has come to visit since the stroke, and that was only for a couple of days. My wife and myself had moved all of his belongings out of his apartment (into our garage), & received little to no help from any other family members. He has a sister that lives about 6 hours away, she wants nothing to do with him, wishes he was dead. He is also technically married, but doesn't live with his "wife", and she moved 8 hours away right after his stroke (said it had nothing to do with the relocation) We have 4 children, ranging from 2 years old to 15, so our lives are very busy to say the least, especially with the care of our 2 year old (no daycare). My wife and I both work full time, she is a nurse and I am self employed (graphic designer). The dad is currently at a local nursing home, but will be discharged soon, and as you guessed it, has no place to go. Like I mentioned before, he has no savings, and no one to help out. So, my wife being a natural care giver wants to move her father in with us, but I think he would get better care at the nursing home, plus we just don't have the money to pay for home health care as someone would have to come by 3 or 4 days a week when my wife is working. I believe his oldest sibling agreed that they could take him in, but my wife talked him out of it, saying that she can't trust anyone to take proper care of him. She feels that his condition will improve in the next year or two, but myself and others have not seen any improvement in the last 5 months, it's actually gotten worse as the rehab stopped a couple months ago. He has lost all control of his left side, can basically only talk, can't eat, he has an NG tube in for nutrition. This situation has caused an incredible amount of stress and fighting over the past several months, and it's been an emotional roller coaster. My wife gets depressed if I make any other suggestion besides moving him into our house, and I feel like it's going to eventually ruin our new marriage and cause a divorce. To make matters more interesting, we have just purchased a new home that we are renovating, and it's dug into our own finances, limited our own budgets, plus it takes up an incredible amount of our free time working on the renovation (ie. sweat equity). His medical bills come in the mail, and no one is opening them or making contact with the collectors. He needed to get his Medicaid straightened out, but no one is really taking any action there either. I honestly don't think that my wife would be capable taking care of him at home, and I fear that it would lead to her losing her job and then us losing our house. We live in an area of the US that suffered a major natural catastrophe recently, and half of the nursing homes were destroyed, so what few beds are left are in high demand. That was another reason why I was suggesting that we move him to a bigger city with more options for his care, but my wife doesn't want to hear it. I've researched online, and it's actually pretty difficult to find a scenario similar to the one we are in, so I'm reaching out here for help. I'm a caring person, I love my wife and family, and I want to see my father in law taken care of, but I also don't want his situation to drag our family down. He has burned alot of bridges throughout his life, and has landed himself in this situation of no one caring about him. Thanks in advance for any suggestions on what we can do.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
So many reasons not to even consider having him live with you... many have already been shared.

The one thing that came to mind is this... if she wasn’t really that close to him before - and he doesn’t exactly have people lining up to be there for him - I wonder if he is playing up the “you are the only one I can count on” “I don’t know what I would do without you”, etc. He might be filling a hole he left in her heart from a young age. That is a powerful longing (to be loved be daddy).

Hopefully, she can recognize it (if that is happening). If he wasn’t feeding her soul prior to the stroke, I would take much of what he says with a grain of salt now that he is finding himself in a position to need care.

Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I would think that your wife being a nurse, she'd be a little more pragmatic about the situation. How in the world would she be able to work full time and provide around the clock are for a person who needs skilled nursing care? Have you and she discussed it with the facility social worker? It's hard to imagine a home care plan that fits into your schedules. Has your wife really thought this through?

Hopefully, someone will pick up his Medicaid processing issue and get him approved, so he can get into a proper facility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
I would say the word I would use to describe my wife is "determined" and she is the type that would do everything to prove that she could, even if she couldn't.
(1)
Report
Your job here is actually to provide your wife objectively and factually with information that will help her to realize that the solution she is considering works for none of those involved.

Whatever dynamic exists, or existed between her and her father is causing her to function irrationally in favor of the care of her dad to the exclusion of you and her children.

There are many reasons why it might be her father that would suffer most in this situation, what with toys on the floor, normal childish boisterousness, half done renovation work, new surroundings, sharing sanitary facilities, schedule variations... I’m sure I could come up with several more, and you most certainly should start a list of difficult to solve and totally unsolvable problems yourself.

It sounds from your comments that he is in an ideal situation to be the recipient of a Medicaid bed in a SNF, which is clearly the best thing for him.

Present as much objective information about his choices (really only ONE CHOICE) and yours, and attempt to remain calm and positive about your lives together as YOUR family.

Best of luck to your family, and hopes that your wife will accept reason and common sense and loyalty to husband and children before the complex circumstances confronting a very needy and seriously ill parent.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
Yes, I've tried to sit her down and show logistically & financially that it won't work, especially now that we have taken on a home renovation project that is costing us a lot of money. What is weird is, I didn't think that she had any great relationship with him before he got sick. She has him around alot more now than before. She is definitely putting him first, and I mentioned that when I married her I wasn't marrying him, but she says she would do the same for my parents, and I tell her that they have plans and are going to be financially prepared if an event like that would happen to them. And both my mom and dad have said that they wouldn't put me or my siblings in that sort of situation. He has already fallen a couple times at the nursing home trying to get up, and I fear that she is going to have an accident with him when she picks him up. what's frustrating is she will go pick him up from the nursing home at like 6 or 7 pm, and then take him back after 10pm, and I think it's ticked off the staff there. she says otherwise, but i disagree. I also ask her why we don't see other folks dropping their parents off at that hour, and she says that they don't care about their parents..so you can see what I'm dealing with here... :(
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Wow. Is this a blended family, or are all of the kids yours together? A blended family is enough stress, but you both work fulltime, are renovating a house, etc.

Your gut is telling you the right thing -- your FIL should NOT move in with you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
Yes, I had 2 kids, she had 1 and then we had our youngest. And yes, having 4 kids keeps us busy!
(1)
Report
I would ask her if she is really willing to sacrifice everything for him. Because she will be short changing everyone in the household to take care of him. You both will lose everything because he will require more care then she can provide working full time.

Sometimes we have to put our foot down and say no.

If she really wants to help, tell her to get him on Medicaid so he can stay in a NH.

If he was improving maybe, but his care is beyond what one person can handle, even with someone coming in while she is at work.

You all sound very young, is this stroke a result of poor decisions in life, like drugs and alcohol?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
I've had her say that she will do what I want us to do, but then she jumps back to the idea of doing what she wants, it's been a roller coaster the past month or so. I have put my foot down, and its caused her to become very upset..and I love her dearly so it hurts to think that this is going to cause us to separate. The medicaid was denied initially, and I know the nursing home was trying to help there, BUT she doesn't really communicate with me on the matter. I know it will get down to the discharge date, and then what option do you have? We are fairly young, and her Dad had a mini stroke about a month before the big one hit. He has a known heart issue (afib) and he wasn't taking his medication, which most likely caused the massive stroke to happen.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I suggest you find some of the other posts on this forum made by loving, well-meaning family members who dove into caregiving without really knowing what they were signing up for. There are literally thousands under Caregiver Burnout. Her first responsibility is to you (and any kids you may have in the home). I urge her to make an informed, non-emotional decision about her father's care. If he has no income or savings, that's on him and he must live with the consequences of that, not you and your new wife. May she find peace in her heart about this decision.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
That is a great idea, but she is really stubborn, and she is determined to rehab him back to a better condition. I personally don't think she will have the time and energy to do that job, but she does. He was very un-prepared when all of this happened, and I agree that he know needs to live with the consequences. He calls her almost every day begging for her to come and pick him up, and if she is off that day, she goes and does it so he knows he has control of her.
(2)
Report
I would say by no means let this happen. If your father in law has burned so many bridges in life that people want so little to do with him that should be a good indicator of why this would be a disaster just waiting to happen. You know this already.

I don't know how you convince your wife of this but you truly need to think of an alternative solution. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
Ya, he's not a bad person, but scammed quite a few people financially. I don't know if I will be able to convince her, like I mentioned in another reply, she is sort of flip flopping on any sort of a practical solution and continues to fall back on the idea of taking care of and rehabbing him herself.
(0)
Report
Well, it really sounds like your new wife is hell bent on taking care of her father, as evidenced by her picking him up at the SNF every evening, ignoring the fact the staff doesn't appreciate it!!! The man is on a feeding tube, falling, basically 100% unable to function, and she is thinking she can 'fix' this situation, in spite of having WAY way WAY too much on her plate as it is! Who will suffer as a result of this decision, is what you should ask her? She must have a hero complex of some kind going on, thinking she can swoop in and fix an impossible situation! And to what and who's detriment?

Her first responsibility is to her immediate family; you and the children. If she refuses to see it that way, I'm not really sure WHAT you can do here! Perhaps ask her to agree to caring for her father for ONE MONTH and then reassessing the situation to see if it's working out, HONESTLY, or if he truly needs full time care at the SNF on Medicaid.

I feel like she's going to do this one way or another, no matter what you say. So maybe the 1 month trial compromise may be your best and only option. If she's a reasonable and honest woman, she will be dead on her feet after 1 month and ready to wave the white flag. But she'll have TRIED, and in her mind, that's what she will feel good about.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kryptoid Feb 2020
Ya, I think one issue is that she thinks he is doing great, she tells people he is doing much better all the time, and when I see him I'm not seeing that. He can't stand on his own, he can eat on his own, can't get to the bathroom on his own, etc etc..and I don't think it's her having a hero complex, but more of a "I can get him back to normal" and "having him around the kids will do wonders for him (and the kids)" And I've thought about giving it a trial run, but I fear that once I let him into our house, it will be much harder to get him out. Plus, we had half of our nursing home destroyed here recently, so getting a bed/room at one right now is almost impossible. I've seen it first hand that she has chosen him over me and the kids, and we work all the time, and now on her days off she picks him up all day long till 9-10pm at night..we live only 5 minutes away from the NH, and I've encouraged her to just stop by and visit him frequently so he doesn't feel alone, but she says "she can't go there" "won't do that" has to "get him out of there"...I really hope she can come to her senses and make a better decision, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Taking care of children is hard enough. Bring an elderly parent and others get neglected because the parent needs a lot of attention. She probably doesn't realize how hard this would be. Hard for her, you and the children.
You and her together can ask others about their experience so she can get an idea.
Also both of you talk to a social worker about placement for her dad.
All the best
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

For some reason your wife is making an emotional decision that she is the only person who can provide her father with proper care. The flip flopping is her logical self realizing there is a problem, but the emotional decision driver then re-asserts itself. I suggest you gather a needs assessment and engage a counselor to discuss your plans highlighting the difficulties managing finances and logistics. Maybe with the counselor's help you and your wife can determine what the emotional decision driver is and reduce its impact. The problem is probably some guilt driven issue in your wife's past relationship with her father. She may feel guilty about not having a closer relationship over the last few years or it may be one big incident. She probably needs to forgive herself and understand she doesn't need to punish herself and her family for past mistakes. No matter how well she cares for his father, she cannot walk back that stroke.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter