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My father remarried at 87 to a younger woman 23 years younger. No one really knows how the two met. She moved in with him. She has isolated him. I have to go through the new wife to speak to my father. Now, she has moved him to different place: one of her properties. I do not trust this woman. My sister was previously the financial power of attorney and I was the healthcare POA. I am unsure of the new wife's mental health status. She seems to be not very stable. My sister has "washed her hands of this mess", I am unsure of what to do ? Any advice helpful.

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My sweet mother in law died of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and my a**hole father in law moved a woman into his home two weeks later! It’s pretty disgusting. She bragged about him having an affair with her while my mother in law was dying.

My father in law would ask me to sit with my mother in law for him to grocery shop and he would be gone for hours and come back with milk and bread but I thought he was visiting friends or something. He pretended to adore my mother in law. He had me fooled. Now I know he was with the other woman.

First this woman expected all of us to fawn all over her. Um, no! We were grieving for a wonderful woman!

When we didn’t treat her like the queen that she thought she was she gave my father in law an ultimatum to dump us or she would leave him. He dumped us so he could keep her. He was under her spell!

My mother in law received a big inheritance from her parents and when she died he got it all. Guess who he spent it on? Yep! Her. He bought a new larger home. They travelled all over.

If he had introduced her at an appropriate time it may have been different but not two weeks after we buried my mother in law. We wanted him to be happy but he didn’t allow us to mourn privately. He forced her down our throats. It was too much, too soon.

I asked my husband if he could ask his dad anything, what would it be. He replied, “Was it worth it, Dad? To lose your son, a daughter in law who loved you and mom and two beautiful grandchildren?” So sad, isn’t it?

Well, the woman died. He is in an assisted living facility and my husband does not want to open up old wounds.

FIL called after she died. The witch lived to be 95! He is 96. My mother in law died at 68 and he was 70 when he moved this woman into his house. They never married because she told him she was not sharing her money with him. She left the money from her previous marriage to her children. She didn’t spend a penny with him for any expenses. She had a sweet deal!

After the woman died my father in law asked his son to visit him in the assisted living facility but my husband doesn’t want to. I told him that I supported whatever he decided. Sadly, there isn’t anything left in the relationship.

He is like a stranger after so many years without contact. Too many years have passed.

He missed out on seeing beautiful granddaughters growing up. They were sad and confused that their grandpa threw the family away like yesterday’s garbage. Unfortunately, the damage is done. They think of him as a stranger, which he is.

I told my husband and my girls not to have regrets and to think about if they wanted to see him. They aren’t interested. They told me that my dad was a dad and a grandfather and that’s who they knew, loved and remember. They don’t wish my father in law any harm. No one hates him. The closeness died after so many years. It’s truly sad.
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Diddydid, thank you for replying to one of the posts, anyway.

I am unsure of what you *want* to do. Break them up? Wash your hands of them? Stay in touch with your father but have nothing to do with his wife?

I'm sure it seemed very tactless to you and perhaps your sister as well that your father chose your late mother's birthday for his wedding day.

First of all, though, hurt feelings aside just for the moment - when was that, exactly? How long has your father been married to Wife No. 2?

On the choice of date itself, though, there are at least two possibilities: one, its being your mother's birthday didn't cross your father's mind; or two, he actually chose it with intent as a particularly auspicious day for this major event. The second would have been, as he saw it, a tribute to your mother and a way of keeping her in his thoughts. Did he discuss this with you children? Did you go to the wedding?

I see that your concerns about the new wife's mental status are based on her ex-husband's opinion. It might be better to find a more impartial source before you come to any conclusions.

You say she didn't reply to your phone messages or texts, but without knowing what you said to her in those how are we to know whether or not to be surprised that she didn't respond? Then you set about investigating her, and then you send the police round, and then you give her orders which you justify by telling her in terms that you don't trust her. [Goodness! - really???] Have you had any contact at all with this lady which was not more or less hostile?

I think it would be best to have a good think about what you would like to happen before you decide what further steps, if any, to take.

I'm glad that you did get to speak to your father. How is he?
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Ahmijoy Mar 2020
What an excellent answer, CM! I agree that it is not OP’s responsibility to “do” anything and they seem to be in this situation “loaded for bear” so to speak.

I had a good friend, who at the age of 60, began seeing a woman of 30. This man was totally self-absorbed and could be mean and nasty when things didn’t go his way. We both knew why he took up with this young woman. But, over the past 20 years, they are still together. They’ve never married. She’s never had children. She’s tolerated him and cared for him through many health crises which seem to be coming more often now that he’s in his 80’s. It took me a long time to understand the logistics of this relationship.
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Sorry if my answer offended anyone. I guess sometimes I just like to add levity to serious situations to lighten things up but I guess people don't always see it that way, and I need to be careful

Obviously, if it was my father, I would be concerned about the stated issues as well.
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Keep an eye on this situation. I have seen too many true stories of younger women such as her drugging guys like Sad Dad and taking all of his Monies, Honey.
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if he married a woman 23 years younger, here is what you should do: Give him a hi five and say way to go. What man among us would not want that some day?
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Riverdale Mar 2020
Would you still want it if you knew she only wanted your money and didn't really care about the person you are,yet maybe you deserve each other. You are both getting what you want which is in fact really about who you both are.
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IMHO, you should be wary of this new younger wife.
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You are in for a roller coaster ride of your life! I almost walked away from a similar situation with my sister, who was in the 1st stages of dementia (but she could still 'pass' as 'normal') when she 'fell in love' with an unemployed licensed lawyer. He moved in to her million dollar home (paid for). And not long after that turned over her finances to him, who was by then her legal Domestic Partner. When I stepped in he was 'taking her to the cleaners'. Yes, she had been lonely, poor judge of character, but also has a very trusting personality, and an easy prey for this younger guy with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Turns out he hadn't worked in over 10 years and had been completely dependent on his previous wife!! We all knew he couldn't be trusted but legally there was nothing we could do, for almost 5 years!! Then he 'messed up' by blocking a good friend of my sister's on her own phone, which really pissed her off! Then a girlfriend did a 'google' search on him and found out he had a $10k lien from the IRS (which is why he couldn't get his OWN credit card, so she had legally put him on one of her's! Then he convinced her 'the more credit cards we have, the more points we get' (false; but my sister fell for it). It was a nightmare!! Opportunist that he was, he dropped her like a hot cake when he couldn't put up with her increasing memory loss and repetition when he found another 'willing subject' to leech/latch on to!! BTW, usually a POA has to be notified if they are being 'deleted'. Is/was your POA 'springing' or 'durable'?? Yes, get thee to a good Elder Law Attorney ASAP! Call Social Services and report suspected Financial Elder Abuse to make an 'unannounced house call' (reporting this is also anonymous). Or, do something I should've done....arrange for a family member (or couple) who 'suddenly needs a place to live' to arrive unannounced and move in with them for a while! If they have a small child with them, all the better! Do ANYTHING to get this leech out of your dad's life!! Good luck, but be proactive! Don't just 'wait' to see what happens; it'll be too late by then! 87-23=64 (not 70). This female leech is still young!!
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Get used to your father's absence. I saw this happen to my brother, but my brother and his new wife are in their early 60s. It's all about control, isolation from loved ones and lots of times, it's about money.
Call your father's lawyer and make an appointment. Find out if your sister is still the financial power of attorney. If she still is, make her stick to it and you retain your father's healthcare POA. This is no time to change anything. New wife will not allow it.
My brother's new wife talked him into selling the house he had lived in with his former wife and building another. (No kidding, so she could get her half when they split up). While they were building the new house on the lake lot my bother inherited from our parents, new wife managed to throw away all of the furniture in the old place that was my parents' lake house. She wanted new stuff.
Long story short, they split up, he lost his job, he almost lost the house. He had not spoken to any family (or friends) for the three years he was married to her.
I encourage you to Google and to research, 'Narcissistic Abuse'. It will open your eyes to what is likely going on with your father.
Good luck.
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The new wife may not be abusive but she may be in this relationship as a financial opportunity. Consider your father's state of mind. Widowers are sometimes vulnerable to a manipulative opportunist b/c they need companionship. On the other hand, this could be a perfectly well-considered relationship. People here have offered some good ideas about remaining vigilant about your father's affair, especially if there is any question about the new wife's motives.
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When someone is being isolated, there is a good reason. I had a relative whose father went on vacation after death of wife...just to get away. He returned home with a new wife in tow. That new wife isolated him first and then cleaned out his bank accts, sold off hundreds of acres he had owned for decades, and then left him in a box trailer out in the woods with absolutely nothing but the clothes on his back. She paid a local family a couple weeks in advance to feed him and a note to call a phone number when they needed more payments. The phone number belonged to daughter who had no idea where new wifey had taken him. Because he passed the questioning in court regarding his mental status, daughter could not stop the spiral. She had to pick up the pieces and take care of him once she located him living in the woods in the box trailer. Very sad deal.

If any of you still has access to the finances, do what you have to do immediately to prevent her access to those. An attorney, maybe, to stop his/her access for his own financial good. Giving away his money and assets by way of new wife could create issues for him if he needs nursing home care later on. An attorney may be able to investigate new wife for prior issues to show there is a problem.
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Stay involved with your Dad. He needs you probably more than you are aware. Are the powers of attorney still intact? Have you contacted his attorney regarding this issue? What is your father's current mental status? I would make his physician aware of the situation as well. Is there any one in the wife's family that you can contact? I would visit and maintain contact regularly.
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diddydid Mar 2020
I have done much research on the younger wife. She's not anything special. She is a retired LPN ( licensed practice nurse). I have tried to contact her daughter on social media only to no avail. I have even reached out to the ex-husband who says his former wife has mental issues.

I have texted dad's new wife, made phone calls. Recently called and local sheriffs office to do a welfare check when wife would not answer my phone calls or text.

After this phone call, did speak to my dad after sheriff visit and spoke to wife and I told her my expectation of her was when I called to answer the phone or texts and that I did not trust her.

Oh by the way, they were married on my deceased mother's birthday.
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See an attorney pronto!!!

Make surprise visits to see your dad, Make sure he is getting fed, getting his meds, and getting out to see his friends and family. If dad appears incompetent, you may need to invoke your POA (get lawyer advice before you do). If you are concerned that his new wife is abusive, report to elder care division of your police department.
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Call your Father and arrange a visit. See for yourself what's going on before jumping to conclusions. If he is of sound mind, he can marry whomever he wants, as you know. So, before writing him off, as your sister has done, conduct some due diligence and please report back.
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Am in 100% agreement with the prior posters. GO SEE AN ATTORNEY today!!!
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Don't jump into the deep end quite yet. Continue to make regular calls, maybe try to visit. Give his new address to friends and relatives. Is he still seeing his doctor and taking any prescribed meds? Collect some facts before going to an attorney.
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It seems there’s only one reason she would be interested....& you know the answer....$$$$$$$$$
Keep an eye on this situation so she don’t clean him out & use the $$$$$ for herself, which she most definitely will. Report her to elder abuse not if, but when you notice $$$$ mismanagement. Notify banks & credit cards to monitor. Invest in something like LifeLock to prevent identity theft . Do you have financial &/or medical poa? See Elder law Atty to further protect your Father’s assets. If your sister doesn’t want to go with you, then go alone. Do NOT let this crook get away with scamming your Father!!!!!
Good luck & hugs 🤗
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Well, you were your father's health proxy. How is he? What's his mental and physical condition?

When did they get married?
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Contact an attorney. Ask your sister to join you to meet with the attorney. What does your sister know about this situation? Has she told you any specific details about their relationship?
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If your father is competent there is absolutely nothing you can do. He can change his POA any time he wishes to to anyBODY he wishes to if he is competent. This woman is no spring chicken. She is almost 70. I would attempt to befriend her, if anything. If that isn't possible, and Dad is competent, then yup, I would be handwashing with your sis.
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Unless she took Dad to the lawyer to revolk ur POAs ur till his POAs. If he is ever deemed incompetent, you can take over. There are postings on this site where this has happened. Children swooping in taking control and leaving the new wife to fend for herself.
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As the last provable financial PoA your sister is the one with the power to go to an elder law attorney and start investigating IF there is abuse. If your father was in his right mind when he married her and moved away, then not much you can do about that. She sounds like a professional predator and by now has probably had him sign new PoA naming her as his representative, changed his will, etc. As the medical PoA if you know he was diagnosed with dementia prior to marrying her, or before he created any new PoA, then you probably have a strong case to pursue but you better act fast as these predators are seasoned and ruthless and will clean him out, sell his house, take the money and dump him at a hospital. Sorry for the drama but she is moving forward with her plans as I am writing this, guaranteed. FYI my family was victim to this same thing.
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