I am feeling overwhelmed by my parent's moving close to me so that I can take care of them. This is not something they have asked of me, it’s just assumed. They make demands of people without doing anything in return for anyone. My brother wants almost nothing to do with them.
I got pregnant at the age of 16 and they kicked me out of the house. I was homeless at one point, but did end up putting myself through college. I’m doing well financially now so they’ve moved into an independent living center close to my house because they expect me to be there for them or help pay their expenses when they can’t afford it. They retired before they reached age 50 so they could travel and enjoy life and now they say money is tight for them.
They stress me out. They are demanding, manipulative and they are not kind to me. They never have been. I’ve made many efforts over the years to build a positive relationship with them but it’s just not possible. They will take and take and never give.
I’m in my 50s now and still working and hope one day to stop working and enjoy my own retirement - the way they got to do. They never took care of their own parents much less their own kids.
I want to move away because I am so overwhelmed by them. Right now they are on a two month European cruise and I feel free when they are away. I am dreading when they return. By the way, they say they have no money (and always want me to take them to dinner and pay, etc) yet spend thousands on vacations and whatnot for themselves.
I see a counselor and we talk about boundaries constantly. I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in my shoes and what do you do in a situation like this? My parents are in their early 70s but my dad’s health is poor now and my mom won’t take care of him, hence they’ve already moved into the independent living place so other people can step in and take care of my dad for her.
I am serious that I want to move away but that is not possible for me right now. I know it sounds selfish but I feel very beat down after years of stress with my parents plus my own life challenges I’ve handled with no family support.
And why do they need to go out to eat, IL supplies their meals.
I can't believe a grown adult would even ask this. These people threw you out in your time of need and now expect you to supplement their extravagant lifestyle. How is there any other answer then NO (maybe HECK NO).
My second thought - it is not selfish to have your own life. You have built this life - without help. They weren't even there for you when you needed them the most. And now they believe it is your responsibility to take care of them while they - what travel the world unencumbered while you pay the bills they can't afford because they spent their money on lavish expenses?
When I read your post it made me angry. At your parents. You'll have to forgive me, but it sounds to me as if the selfish ones in this scenario are your parents, not you.
They have the money to take a two month cruise - they have money to pay for their own expenses. You should not have to bail them out financially in any way. And if your dad is in poor health, traveling sounds like it would be very complicated to me. Your mom won't take care of him - so does she feel that is your responsibility while she continues to live her life?
All due respect to everyone in this scenario - if you become their solution - they won't find another one. If they need more help - they can transition to assisted living. You do not have to be the person that is the answer to their problems. They sound like they are perfectly capable of figuring it out on their own.
It's ok to set boundaries and tell them no. Take care of yourself and step away from contributing to their drama in anyway. You don't have to facilitate their need to continue to be independent. They will take whatever you give them. And it sounds like they are already draining your energy.
I would probably just go no contact .
You don’t owe them . You don’t have to take care of them or give them money. I advise that you do not become POA either . I would allow the county or state to take over for them when they can not care for themselves . Never sign any paperwork saying you will be guarantor at a facility .
First of all I am thrilled to hear you are seeing a counselor, because it would have been my only answer in a situation like this. Read Henry Cloud's book Boundaries, as well, as I would bet it has been recommended to you. Will show you that you aren't alone.
It's lovely to DISCUSS boundaries, but it is IMPLEMENTING them that will work, and that's ALL UP TO YOU. No one can do it for you. It's a CHOICE you have to make lest you be a volunteer victim of what you have described. You are strong enough to do this and you have the support of a good therapist.
I have BEEN there in terms of being a caregiver who allowed my tendencies to spill over into my life. I had to learn to say no. And I can tell you it is TOUGH at first, but gets easier. As human beings we are creatures of habit. Bad habits need to be broken.
If you enable your parents dependence on you now you are well and truly done for.
You will have a lot of anxiety/fear when you begin to say "no", and the first times you do it will get a bad reaction almost certainly from your parents. But bad reactions don't kill. You will survive, and you will become less and less vulnerable each time, will feel more and more strong. You will soon enough learn to simply shrug it off and move on.
Learn to embrace your inner "bad little girl". Learn to love her and nurture her. Learn to say "No. Sorry, but just NO." Go to the mirror right now and begin to practice. Just say NO.
Lastly, listen to the Podcast Dr Laura's Question of the Day. In a few minutes a day she can teach you what it is to be strong for yourself.
Again. Your responsibility is to choose: Be the whining victim of bullying parents or be your own woman with a full and joyful life. I wish you the best in making the choice.
Actually, the fact that your parents have moved near you doesn't have to mean that you need to be available to them - or pay their way. You said that your counselor advised you to set boundaries. If you need to, one way is to fib a little - in order to ease your own life - such as, you can start setting the tone when you speak to them and let them know that your job is requiring you to travel a lot - you could be "out of town" for extended periods of time - getting ready for your next business trip, etc. So, despite your living in closer proximity to them, if you're working out of town frequently, then technically, you're not there. And, if you need to tell them in conversation that your finances are tight and you are just making ends meet and you're concerned about your own future, then they cannot expect something you don't have to give.
I've also had to handle many of life's challenges without family support (and still am) - so I really understand that - and it's not easy. Please be kind to yourself and continue being the strong support to yourself, as best you can.
How long have you been seeing the counselor? Are they helping you to do more than just discuss boundaries?
When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
On the forum we have a member who says...No is a one word sentence.
My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
I recently realized, and said to another poster here, that SELF CARE and SELF-ISH, are two VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.
Consider. You left your parents’ home at their command, under painful and difficult circumstances, found a way to educate and care for yourself, and now feel concerned because you want to use YOUR money to provide for YOUR care and comfort? Does that really appear negatively selfish to you? It certainly shouldn’t.
Consider. Have they taught you by their actions, to believe them and to trust and believe that what they say is the truth?
They are “not kind to you”. YOU are kind to you. As WELL you should be!
What a splendid job you’ve done, by raising and ultimately elevating YOURSELF, when they denied you the sympathy and compassion and generosity of spirit THAT THEY OWED YOU.
I wish I’D been your mother. Please be glad that you were able to parent yourself.
Don’t plan to move away out of fear, or because of fear that they can still damage you. You have the RIGHT to interact (OR NOT), NO RESPONSIBILITY to pay for anything they CHOOSE not to pay for themselves, and AND NO RESPONSIBILITY for kindnesses they chose not to extend to you when you needed them most.
Start today to detach in your mind, and your conscience. You are using the services of a counselor, and hopefully a good one. Use what you hear, and don’t second guess that your good care of yourself isn’t what you really deserve.
My situation? Parents who knew no better, allowed the more damaged of the two of them to run the other, were controlling until I did develop a small but powerful physical separation. I ultimately developed a somewhat healthy and positive relationship with both of them that was comfortable and manageable for all three of us. If you want to, that may happen for you. Or MAY NOT. Your choice either way.
You can DO THIS ON YOUR OWN TERMS. PLEASE, prove me right.
Do you have friends? let them be your support group besides the counselor. you can talk all day long about boundaries but it means nothing until you put them into action. And if all you’re doing all this time with a counselor is talk only then you’re wasting money. Honey you gotta put it into action. You can do this. the initial first step it’s hardest, but it gets much easier after that. the battle of giving in over the years just gets worse and worse. The battle of standing up for yourself is fairly short term once you set that line in the sand - it is what it is and as long as you stick to that there’s gonna be a lot less banging on your door.
If they’re unhappy, well, really think about that - they’re not happy they can’t manipulate you into doing what they want you to do? Where is the adult logic that says you have to agree to that? They’re the ones who are acting like a responsible children now. if they choose not to be responsible it’s on them. It is not on you.
Get the book boundaries by cloud and Townsend and then do it. And call a friend and celebrate every time you have a little victory moving forward. Once you start breaking that unhealthy relationship up it’ll be much easier for you to move on and continue to be adult and let them be responsible for themselves. Good luck
I would assume your child probably doesn’t want to deal with them either.
You don’t have to. Just don’t with helping them on anything.
Even if they had been supportive, I would still set boundaries as they are making bad financial decisions. Some many people feel guilted into helping parents who made bad financial decisions, even when it means that they will be in a similar, or worse, situation when they get older.
Enjoy your well earned and deserved life and do all the things you enjoy. Your parents will be forced to find a way to manage.
You probably can benefit from doing practice run throughs on conversations ahead of time. Like this long weekend, write out a script or two of a future convo with them based on what you know their Euro vacay / tour stops were:
you: Mom/dad saw that your trip included visiting Viennese chocolate shoppes. How was that?
mom/dad: chocolate was very….melty, rich, expensive, yum, whatever
you: I’m looking at Viennese chocolate recipes online and will be spending free time on trying some. I’m looking forward to it!
mom/dad: really?
you (quickly): yes, So I cannot be taking you to xyzzy
Rinse and repeat. If you need to role play to get your talking points out and firmly with the folks, find a friend or coworker to do this with. It doesn’t need to be a friend. You’d be surprised that someone from work or a neighbor will be great at this for you and very sympathetic.
BTW it is 100% NOT SELFISH for you to feel this way.
and
Your purse & wallet needs to be for you & your expenses 1st & foremost.
Euro vacay = no way I’m supporting that nonsense.
She asked what "this" was. She had NO idea that "this" was a problem. That was going to cause me to lose my job and my apartment.
I laid it out in words of one syllable. (It turned out that, although mom was still "sharp as a tack" she had actually had a stroke and had Mild Cognitive Impairment. Couldn't plan anything at all.
I recommend telling them plainly "no" you won't be doing their errands any longer. That they will need to make other arrangements.
They both had tantrums of Emmy quality performance. I repeated this every single time the subject came up. They knew what my boundaries were concerning me financially propping them up and they decided that me telling them how they would spend their money wasn't of interest. Just what I thought, they just wanted what they wanted regardless of how others were impacted.
No. It is a complete sentence that doesn't require any explanations.
Best of luck!
My mother never extended me the privilege of boundaries. She had many of her own. But your parents... wow.
If the aforementioned fibs aren’t your style, consider straight up asking them why they think you should support their choice to retire young. Why they think you exist to serve them. Why they think you are responsible for them. Why they think you shouldn’t have the opportunity to ignore them, retire and travel, as they did.
You see, I’m struggling with realizations about my upbringing, but will never get any closure because of my mother’s dementia. I would love to hear my mother’s answers. Or see her response to being asked.
Your parents may deny their own actions, make excuses, or blow their stacks. Their response may help you to determine how to proceed with them. Or without them.
--the more you do, the more they will expect and take for granted.
--if they call you selfish, tell them they are using you, and you're protecting yourself.
--if they call with a problem, do not volunteer, put it back on them by asking "what do YOU plan to do about it?"
--if they outright ask you to do things, tell them you can't (no time, no money, don't know how). Tell them to call a professional, hire someone, etc.
You are anything but selfish because you are asking that question in this situation. Im not usually do harsh but when you needed them, they put you on the street so if you do the same, it’s what they should expect. Go see them on your terms, do dinner on your terms, offer to find the name and number if a good elder card attorney and go on a cruise yourself!!
What you need to do is go low contact with your parents. Set down some VERY STRICT RULES you never break and then NEVER BREAK THEM. Because mother is waiting for you to crack.....for that tiny chip to open up after she Throws A Fit, allowing her entry into your world once again, thru FOG: Fear Obligation and Guilt. That's the manipulative pattern. Ask for something, you say no, she pitches a fit, you acquiesce, aha! She gets her way, her mission is accomplished. Meanwhile, she's cruising the Mediterranean while you're popping Tums like candy, trying to figure out how to finance HER next whim? I don't think so. The gravy train dries up here and now, ma.
Read this article and get some strategies on how to recognize and cope with passive-aggressive loved ones who display narcissistic traits:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Realize it's not your job to be your parents retirement fund or their entertainment committee now. They are in the wrong here, not you. You are entitled to have your own life and they are expected to live a life within the parameters of their own INCOME. Period. If that doesn't work for them, I recommend playing the lottery. They'll have a better chance winning IT than getting anymore $$$ from you.
Sometimes this can actually be the solution.
A relative of mine was being maipulated by pushy entitled in-laws. Many people advised moving. Eventually did. This ended the problem.
Being out of the locality, past a daytrip visit distance, can be an excellent ready-made excuse.
"No I'can't. It's too far".
It gives a script for the new boundary.
Yet, there are many posters that still feel that enormous pressure, still have fear, obligation & guilt (F.O.G). It's WITHIN them & therefore goes with them, even if they move.
People provide all sorts of care. From calling up for social chats - to one full day a week (driving, appointments, shopping etc) - to traveling 6 hours & staying one full week every month - staying for 3 months visits at a time. If this works for them, works for BOTH sides, great! Honest, giving, fair.
What is NOT great is when the care equation gets skewed by F.O.G. When the giver does not feel able to be honest with what they can give.
How much do WANT to be doing for your folks?
It's ok to be honest with yourself.
Maybe this is a lower amount than now, much lower or even zero? OK
Or maybe some help or involvment would work as long as you are free to be honest & say no when you need to. This will take practice & energy.
I have reached a good stage with my LO where I feel more like an Advocate than Caregiver. I now feel free of that FOG & able to say no. It took time!
However, I do have some strong personalitoes amoung my in-laws. In the future, if I found myself continually under pressure I would move out of range rather than live with continued drama.
I would refuse if I were you. The cost of being involved with them and their will is too high financially and emotionally while they are alive. So many posters have said their parents threaten to change their wills, cut them out, pitting one child against another, etc..
Even after they die, being executor of a will can become a time-consuming nightmare, dealing with probate court, having relatives accusing you of financial abuse, thefts, etc.
Don't get trapped.
I would make it clear to them that Medicaid is their answer when they run out of money. They can answer to the officials during the five year look back review.
Get away while you can. This won’t get better as they lose more and more of their faculties. It’s not on you to take care of them even if they were good to you. Stop answering calls and being available. Maybe there’s one day a week you speak to or see them. It’s not doing your mental health any favors.
They need to find a new plan that doesn’t involve you.
Pressure to help. Draining my energy. Nearly wore out my will to live.. in a day..
If this is what you face.. that Relentless Ongoing Neediness.. RUN. Or HIDE.
They got themselves into this problem they can get themselves out of their problem. If they didn't go on lavish cruises they would have them money to stay in their place. Its almost like saying I want my cake and eat it too but if you can't afford that cake then you do something else.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUPPORT THEM. Keep your money take care of yourself that is YOUR PRIORITY. You worked hard for what you have its YOURS NOT THEIRS.
I know in some cases we want to support our parents but it isn't that way anymore its our health its our finances not THEIRS. Yes they raised us but they turned us loose now its our time to take care of ourselves not them. You can be there once in a while but not all the time.
My mother and I had that talk already she told me that if I can't take care of her to put her where she can be taken care of. We all have health problems.
Put parameters around what you want to do with your parents. Its all up to what YOU WANT NOT WHAT THEY WANT.
Prayers