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My wife and I have been married for almost 21 years. We are 15 years apart in age, I am 59 and she is 74 as of last month. Age was never a problem between us and honestly my wife was one of those people who looked and acted much younger than she was. She was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia a little over 5 years ago but had been showing symptoms 2-3 years before that. In the beginning the situation was complicated by the fact that my dad was in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. He was in assisted living and later memory care until he died in his sleep in early 2014. As I promised her I would, I have cared for my wife myself until 5 months ago when it became clear that it was beyond my abilities to care for her adequately. She is now in memory-care in an out of town skilled nursing home (1.5 hours away) where her daughter is Director Of Rehabilitation. By placing her there, she see's one daughter multiple times a day, her other daughter (who is an RN) see's her three or four times a week and I also commute 3 days a week and spend several hours there with her. That way the girls as well as the grand kids can see her often. I am retired so I can commute easily. Had I placed her here close to our home I would be able to go but the girl's jobs would not allow them to visit nearly as much. I pay for her care 100% out of pocket.

She has progressed steadily the last couple of years and has lost most of her motor skills as well as control of her bodily functions. She has not recognized the kids or grand kids for a couple of years and she now no longer seems sure who I am. She has not been able to really talk or retain any of a conversation for a year or more. Her emotions are constantly changing, laughing then suddenly crying and sort of gibbering for lack of a better term. Sometimes she appears to be seeing people who are not there also. She colors in coloring books, snuggles a baby doll most of the day now. When I try to talk she seems totally disconnected to what I am saying so most days I just sit and hold her hand or help her eat her meals.

My problem is that I have been caring for one or two dementia patients for 12 years. Intimacy with my wife ended years ago because she no longer seemed to understand what was happening. Have not been to the movies or had a vacation in years. I have spent weeks with little conversation, could not really enjoy a hobby or visit with friends. For the last 5 months I do everything alone including eating, taking my walks, watching TV etc. I do not plan to abandon my wife nor do I plan to change my visitation habits or stop paying for her care but I am lonely, bored and concerned for my own well being. For my own health both physically and mentally I think it is time that I make an effort to get my life back and try to find a compatible female companion who I can discreetly spend some time with, but I have some guilt issues to deal with. I was hoping to find out how others deal with this situation ?

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You describe your situation very well. You are luck in many respects to have your wife in care and being looked after so well with loving and caring daughters. I'm 60, also retired but wife and I are well so I don't share you experience but I'm sympathic to your situation.

My Mom is losing my Dad to dementia. She misses the OLD husband so much. Its very difficult for her. Given you wife's advanced state it's hard to say what benefit, if any, she gets when you visit. I can understand your feelings of obligation but I don't think you should feel bad if you cut back a little on visits. Take some more time for yourself.

Yes, have a relationship with someone else. It's quite common for people in your situation. It can be healthy, quiet and discreet.
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JDP, I have no problem with your seeking out female companionship. But first, I would simply cut back visits to every other week or once a month. Rest, exercise, read some books go to the movies. Join a professional or communal or religious organization. Just take some time to find out who YOU are after all this time. Be well.
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I think it's time for you to reclaim your life. You've been a wonderful husband and by cutting down your visits to your wife, you can start to take time for yourself. I agree with both Windyridge and Babalou's suggestions. I'd add that there's a wonderful movie from 2005 with a plot line somewhat similar to yours. It's Away from Her with Julie Christie. You might see if you can rent it.

Depending on where you live, you might find a good MeetUp group is a way to reengage with others in your area. Go to their website and see what kind of groups exist where you live. Good luck and please keep us posted on how you're doing.
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You've already had good advice; I would only add that your devotion to and consideration for your wife and her family is truly admirable.

I think a safe way to meet women, and perhaps other men just for social purposes (to expand your social group) is to find groups that focus on your interests. Even if there aren't a lot of women, just communicating with men who share similar experiences might be helpful, as you gradually find women who share your interests.

What are those interests? Your post is very articulate. Are you a reader? What are your hobbies?

Some suggestions are (a) caregiver support groups as a kind of temporary and interim means to socialize (b) book clubs, hobby clubs (woodworking, metalworking, etc.) (c) gardening clubs (lots of women there!).

Check with libraries in your area. They often sponsor groups like this.

You could also take an adult ed class in a subject that interests you, something you've always wanted to explore but haven't had the time.

Another possibility if you're a former manager (and I kind of suspect you are), is to participate for awhile in SCORE. It isn't necessarily a way to meet women, but you never know - you might meet an aspiring small business entrepreneuress.

So do an assessment of what your interests are, search online and find local groups, and start testing them. I wouldn't join without going to a few meetings, as sometimes groups can be snobbish or cliquish.

One of the benefits of group interaction is that you become acquainted with people on a social, but not personal level. Going out for coffee after a meeting isn't really discreet because you're out in the open, but it's also non-committal and nonjudgmental because of the common interests.
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Another thought (this always seems to happen immediately after I click "post"):

volunteer work; if you have building skills, there's Habitat for Humanity and Christmas in Action. Local food pantries need volunteer help; there are also the Salvation Army, Grace Centers for Hope, and of course the American Red Cross.

You don't have to commit for a long time; check out the group and see if you like the interaction.

One thing about volunteer work is that it helps restore some of the emotional fatigue created by caring for someone on a long term basis. You're still helping, but it's not a situation where people are generally in physical or mental decline.

There also are walking groups: mall walkers, hikers, etc.
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I agree with everyone. Your wife will not make a miracle cure and suddenly be back home. Start slowly reclaiming your life. You deserve happiness
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I thank all of you for your comments and encouragement. The problem come in when you actually explain your situation to anyone and I do not think it would be a good idea to hide it from anyone. I had hoped that with explanation i could make it work out but frankly that may be easier said than done.

I actually had an introduction to a very nice looking woman, about my age who made it clear she was looking for someone to spend time with and see where it goes. I was a little unsure of how to approach this but when she asked, I said I was "sort of separated with an explanation". Before I could say anything else she said her "Southern Baptist Upbringing" would not allow her to date a separated man because he is still married. Of course then I felt the need to explain which I did in detail. Her next response was "I am not a woman who will date the husband of a terminally ill wife"....wow nothing like getting your guts ripped out trying to find a dinner partner. My friend's wife who sort of put us together was stunned.....she got me out of there pretty quick and still try's to apologize.

So that's when I decided to post the original question. I guess it's possible I could find someone who has had a similar experience who might not take such a negative attitude, but honestly after a couple of shots like that I may be happier continuing on with things the way they are for now and save wear and tear on me. I am fine but think I will re-think this whole situation.
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Maybe it makes more sense to just reengage with people in group activities initially to see where things go. As someone gets to know you, you can explain your situation and if they're interested in you, they can let you know.

I would think just getting out and around others (men and women) doing what you enjoy would be a good start. Maybe trying to jump into a one-on-one with a woman right off the bat is a bridge too far to cross right now. Ease into it. Or find someone who isn't a Southern Baptist or who is in a similar situation.
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Yeah maybe, honestly it was not my idea and had I had time to think about it I might have begged off. Julie just wanted to help and meant well, she thought she was helping us both I guess.

I think I will just take my time and just see what happens.....thanks everyone for your help and suggestions. I am going to mull this over a bit longer.
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JDP - there is NOTHING wrong in any true religion that I know of with having companionship, if it isn't sexual..and I don't get that woman who herself was separated and judging you like that. Ugh. I'd recommend Kiwanis for the fellowship and support, lots of us ladies have joined since they started letting us in 1987 or so.
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Thank you JDP for your honesty in what is an unfortunate struggle, beyond comprehension. While you are mulling this over with a therapist, pastoral counselor, or anyone else, I would most sincerely refer you to the Terry Schaivo case ten years ago. Briefly, (focusing on similarites possible close to your own situation maybe years from now) a husband had 'moved on' with another woman
and wanted his wife (Terry Schaivo) euthanized, would not give up legal control to her parents who wanted her to live.
Such a difficult case, and a slippery slope to head down a path you are not prepared to travel. You mentioned guilt issues. Can you share them? (I would not, because there are so many ramifications: marriage, infidelity, faith, your faith, your guilt, 'her daughters' commitment to caring for her, division of the family on differences of opinion, etc)., in additions to your promises to your wife, knowing she was 15 years older but not being able to predict or plan for today.
Promises: To care for her as I promised I would ( you still are)
Would not abandon her, not plan to change visitation, not stop paying for her care.
If you head in the direction of female companionship, you will not be able to keep those promises. If your guilt has to do with divorce issues, after reviewing the above mentioned case, would it not be better to divorce her and at least leave the life/or death issues up to her daughters? I can see that as a way to continue keeping all the other promises to your wife as long as you are willing.
If you would be too guilty to divorce her, I wouldn't want to be the one to console you over the guilt of infidelity. You need to have a talk with the God you believe in, it is between you and Him. Receiving judgment from friends, baptists bloggers or on public social media sites will only make you the topic of much debate, much pros and cons, debated. You can always get someone to agree with you, but do you agree with you? Very few will condemn you for not being perfect or wanting a life. The suggestions above are very good for getting a life, but you are basically seeking another wife?
This is in no way to judge you, or not to judge you. I just want you to be able to plan your future with or without your wife, without guilt for knowing what the right thing to do in your case could be. If you run by your plans with the R.N. daughters, be sure to leave out the other woman.
I sincerely hope you can get some respite from caregiving, even a vacation, and return with a plan, because a woman will definitely show up in your life. I hope you are ready to receive what you are asking about without putting a new woman through the guilt of living with that pain of indecision.
I hope you will find this helpful in making your decisions, and not be judged for what is a most difficult unanswerable crisis. Thanks for asking that most difficult question, and I am so sorry for your loss of your wife's health and companionship. No one will fault you for whatever you decide. (Except you will be hearing from me down the line if the worst does happen and you will have to be the one to decide life or death for her. That is not meant to be hurtful, just to motivate you to make the toughest decision now, do not back down. You should be able to have free choice, a clear conscience, and a good life.
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People on this site may be able to help you, because they are caregivers who are alone and also committed to caring for a loved one, but then, you already know what that is like. If you stay married, it is also an extremely honorable life waiting to happen. You can't be faulted either way.
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You said your wife's friend, Julie, was just trying to help us both by introducing you to a woman? Can you tell us about Julie? Or, keeping it confidential is okay too.
Are you sure this is not a can't see the forest for the trees issue in addition to all else?
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I'm sure you're going to find people who are quickly judgmental and what I would consider inflexible. You weren't asking the southern Baptist woman to marry you - you were just trying to get acquainted! I suspect she's a pretty rigid person anyway, so perhaps it was good that any potential relationship was torpedoed by her before it even got started.

I can't help wondering what other criteria she would establish for a friendship with a man.

I also think that group activities are a good way to find companionship without any commitment. Friends of the opposite sex are in my opinion just as great as a he/she relationship in which either person is wondering where he/she stands in relation to something longer term. In a friendship, you're free to be yourself without wondering if the relationship will proceed to a longer term commitment.
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JDP, you do have the right to move on with your life. You have done everything you can to support your wife (and other family members) but sacrificing your own happiness will not improve their circumstances one bit.

My first reaction on reading your initial post was that you might run into judgmental people who would not approve your choice to date other women while still married to your wife. The other issue, apart from any judgment, is that women (and men) often don't want to get involved with someone who isn't free to fully commit to them. You need to seek someone in a similar situation or who isn't looking for a full commitment from you. And, someone who won't be judgmental about your choice to seek a new partner outside your marriage.

Maybe the Well Spouse association would be a good place to start. You would undoubtedly encounter women (and men) who are familiar with and sympathetic to your circumstances, and possibly women who are open to the kind of relationship you seek because they're also not free to fully commit to a new partner. I wish you luck!
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JDP, if you are unsure what to do, try this on for size.... what if the roles were reversed.... that it was your wife living at home and you in a nursing facility. Would you want to wife to seek out male companionship?

In today's world it is almost impossible to "date" someone without someone finding out.

My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years, so he filled those empty moments in her final stages by chumming around with his male friends.... golf once a week, lunch out several times a week, movie once a week by himself, helping out with political rallies, etc. He just couldn't "date" as it wouldn't be fair to the women he would date.... holidays and birthdays were spent with his wife and her grown children, thus he didn't want to have a lady on the side who he would abandon on those days.

Thus, take everything into consideration.
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If it's any consolation, this kind of situation isn't new. The dilemma of a husband caring for an invalid wife (who in this novel was mentally ill), was addressed by Charlote Bronte in her novel Jane Eyre, published in 1847.
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For the record Julie is the wife of my life long friend not my wife's friend. She knows what the last 12 years have been like because she watched it happen, cooked meals, did our laundry at times and held my wife's hand for hours trying to help. She see's as I do that my wife is now beyond any help she or I can give really and all we can do is continue holding her hand which we all do. I have done all I can, more than a lot do based on what I observe at the nursing home. The difference is that unlike most people my wife and I are far apart in age. The decisions I have made and those that are yet to come are the same as others make, but the repercussions of them for me are quite different than if I were close to her age as most people are.
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JDP: I'm not really in a position to give you advice so please take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I would strongly encourage you to slowly reengage with society. All those years of caring for demented people has probably changed you in ways you are not even aware of. How you talk with "normal" people and interact with them is going to be very different than how you have with the demented.
Take your time, go slow and enjoy your reengagement with society. Don't set yourself up for failure. You've given alot and you deserve success! Good Luck!
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JDP, then there are cases of younger onset that frequently happen when couples close to the same age, in their 50's. Even then most spouse caregivers have to relinquish the care to a facility for a variety of reasons. I have a friend, just turned 60, his wife was diagnosed at the age of 54, five years ago. He does what you are doing now, visiting her two or three times a week. She no longer knows who he is, but knows she likes him. He has a group of men in similar circumstances they get together for lunch once a week, he goes to movies with friends, coffee shop music programs by local artists. I don't know how he has the energy to do all he does.

What would your wife want you to do? I suspect most would want their spouses to get on with their lives and enjoy themselves. In your case I would think this would be especially true if for no other reason than the age difference. Did you and your wife ever talk about what if something like this happens?

You might want to check the Alzheimer's Association to see if there is a "Men's Only" support group. We have one here. I am sure that there are many caregivers, male or female that struggle with the same issue.

Another way to look at it is admitting to yourself that your wife was taken, ie ,left, you long ago. She is not that person you married.

Find groups that interest you that is the best way to meet someone, IMHO. Take care of you. Have you seen an attorney to straighten out the finances, POA's , livingg will? You do not become insolvent as a result of paying for your wife's care. There are ways to to protect you.
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Yep had that same thing, as she began to lose who the kids were she retained me pretty good, I suspect because I was always there. Later though she was not sure who I was but new I was always there and took care of her. Now if she acknowledges that I am there she will call me daddy and smile, I just play along.

For sure she would want me to get on with life, but take care of her also which is what I plan to do. I think it is hard for people to see that at some point she has progressed to a point that I just do not have the ability to provide the care she needs.

Yes my wife and the kids mom as we really knew her has pretty much faded away, we have all discussed that and accept that. You really have to cross that bridge before you can start making the decisions that come during the later stages.

Oh yeah the POA's, will's etc. for us both are done. I also have a really good Long Term Care policy on me so the kids do not have to deal with this should I end up in the same situation, and family history says I might. I have done well as a business owner and the $$ part I can handle. Not having to stress over that made a big difference and was the reason I could stay home and care for her myself. My wife worked with me years before we were married and continued years after. We literally were with each other 24 hours a day then. For some that might be a problem, for us never a problem.

I really appreciate all the kind words and help.
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Don't give up. There are MANY women who are compassionate, understanding, and "liberal" compared to your experience with one individual. My sister in law is one of the those women. She eventually married the gentleman who was in your situation -- but in the meantime, she supported him while he supported his wife who was completely unable to respond to him in any meaningful way. They are both wonderful people. In fact, you remind me of my new brother-in-law. They began their relationship with exactly what you are looking for -- conversation, companionship, someone to see a movie with, have dinner with, someone who would listen. Good luck and don't give up.
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I would hope that your town has all of these opportunities for socializing. The only thing that I would add about seeking out female companionship is that it might be good to get your daughters input on this, as it will come out sooner or later that you have a relationship. If they are understanding, it would make the situation much easier for you.
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I re-learning how to engage others too. I've been caring for my husband for about 10 years (Multiple System Atrophy) and he is just now in a nursing home. I have found that connecting with other spouses at his nursing home has helped me feel better about his placement, and help me to re-learn some social skills which I lost along the way. I forgot too, what I like to do, after devoting my time and energy for so long to another, my own interests and hobbies were put aside. So, I also suggest slowly trying on small things to bring you back to your new self - like others suggested - a volunteer day, a lunch with friends/other care givers, a golf game - but I would add one important item: Place a time limit up front (when making the plans) for the amount of time you will discuss your loved one. This is your time to rebuild your life, and if you move the focus back to your loved one, you may lose out on the benefits. I ask my friends to limit the conversation about my husband to only the first 5-10 minutes, and then we must talk about something else. Good luck... Take your time....
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I see no problem with you getting your life back, including a female companion. I have a male friend who remarried only to have the second wife get ill and die 10 yrs after they married. He soon sought out and found a companion. No problem with that or your wife either...she will never be the person she was and I'm sorry for that.
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I have not reached your stage of discontent but I know it is around the corner. My husband has just been put in memory acre about 3 months ago, however, he does not have Alzheimer's He has Parkinson dementia and is still fairly alert But I said to my Sister and others the very same thing you are thinking..Get a Life. And I do not think we should have any guilt feelings. You should search for a companion that understands the situation. I have been too busy but believe me I intend too and I am a very active 77 and would be looking for someone younger than me. Any way I hope this note helps you move in the right direction.
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