Follow
Share

My husband is using handheld urinals at home, as this is the best solution for his conditions. It ends up being neater, as it minimizes accidents. Since the urinals should be easily accessible, they are placed in the most used areas of the house. He is emptying them in the bathroom and thoroughly cleaning them each time. I like our arrangement when it's just the two of us, since there are few boundaries between us as spouses.


We have a strong disagreement when it comes to receiving visitors. I prefer that in those times we keep the urinals less visible, either in a corner, covered or in the bathroom. He sees that as an affront to himself and his condition, and insists I shouldn't be ashamed of him. I don't want him to feel less than, yet I still can't get myself to be ok with actual urine being in sight of our guests. If the urinal is not totally empty, there is little doubt what's in it.


The other aspect is that even though he started to use adult diapers at times, keeping the urinals out of sight could lead to even more embarrassing accidents if he cannot reach one easily.


Please help me understand if I am being overly sensitive. Do you have any advice how to handle this from a relationship perspective or a more practical way?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
My husband uses pull-ups since his prostate cancer surgery with pads in them as extra insurance. He used urinals in the earliest part of his recovery. I wasn't sensitive and our "guests' understood the reason when he needed them close by. Maybe you can make a compromise and have them in a drawer in a table close to his chair.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think it may help to remember that men and women are likely to view this situation quite differently. After all, what public restrooms for men offer privacy? There is often a common urinal for the use of anyone who is there. There may be a toilet or two behind doors. Women on the other hand expect maximum privacy in any restroom or bathing facility designated for them. Men usually are comfortable disrobed, around each other in health clubs, swimming pools etc.
I am a woman (also a nurse with much past exposure to both male and female nakedness.). And I would say, don't be too hard on a man who seems to care little for privacy.
I don't know, but I sometimes think that boys/men learn modesty almost exclusively from women...mothers, wives, aunts, sisters, female teachers etc.! If visitors are to include women, maybe you can remind him that women tend to be easily (perhaps excessively so) embarrassed by some things. Though you and he both appreciate the visits, you don't want to make your women friends uncomfortable. He may be too tired, ill or uncomfortable to care. If that's the case, there may be little you can do except take care of his urination in the least obvious ways possible.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What I do with my husband is just put it under his blankets or behind pillows to get it out of sight. They never know it's there. They don't stay long so he doesn't have to really hold it that long. Or, if so you can just make an excuse that's it's time for his meds, nap, lunch etc. (as they would in a hospital )so their guest can leave. I don't see anything with just getting it out of the way right before they come in. They do call before they come right?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

MissyT5: Put the urinal in a different bathroom that guests would not normally use.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is his house and he can do what he wants. It's just a shame that he has lost his sense of decent conduct. Anyone in their right mind wouldn't want to leave their piss pail in plain sight, it's called courtesy.

I would be very tempted to put a big, long straw in the ones he wants left out to "mark" his territory. Maybe put a drop of red food coloring and call it his kool-aid.

Wouldn't that make people wonder? ;-)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
asfastas1can Mar 2022
Actually, it is their house, not just his, and they both need to feel comfortable. A talk with the doctor is in order if they cannot solve this issue to their own satisfaction. The fact that he sees no problem with leaving his urine containers out in the open when company comes, or cares that doing so (understandably) makes his wife uncomfortable, may show that he has some cognitive issues starting.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My dads 98 going on 99. He hangs it from a desk trash can when visitors are in the house. He stays at his desk when company come. If he needs to use it I kindly ask guest to step into another area of the house while he used it. I quickly empty, rinse and put back. When no ones here he keeps it on his seat walker by him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think it would draw even more attention to his condition if visitors were to see the filled urinals. I agree a discussion with his doctor is due. Frequent need to urinate can be associated with prostate problems. My own father was practically a prisoner of his bladder until he got help for his prostate issues.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree about putting it in a decorative container out of sight. Although most do understand the situation, it’s not pleasant to see a portable urinal with urine in it when visiting someone. I heard of something called “one drop” that may help with the odor. I would suggest getting your husband checked for dementia associated with Parkinson’s. Also, his doctor may be able to prescribe something for frequent urination. Best to you and your husband.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Missy, you are being perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to hide those things when visitors come. My late dad had the same problem for the last few years of his life... but he was a widower at that time and lived alone in his house and did whatever he wanted, including leaving urinals out in the open. You said "If the urinal is not totally empty, there is little doubt what's in it" but I'm sure you and any company that comes over will know because they'll smell it. Dad went "nose blind" despite my brother and I trying to tell him that you could smell urine as soon as you entered the house, because he kept insisting he couldn't smell anything. Dad kept his house neat and surprisingly clean for a bachelor, so this fact (to him) wasn't an issue. We grew to tolerate it but I was embarrassed for him.

I was eventually able to convince him to keep the urinal next to his chair in the living room in a bucket he could then cover with a hand towel. It wasn't perfect but better than actually having to look at it (and prevented more than one accident from it tipping over... those lids don't always seal perfectly). Maybe you could come up with a similar arrangement. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

A couple of things that come to mind for me is ‘How long are your visitors staying?’ And ‘Do they show up unannounced?’ I would want the urinals put away for visitors. I would also expect them to call ahead of time and stay for 20-30 minutes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think I have a solution for both...how about putting the urinal in a decorative bag so the guest don't know what's inside? This way, the urinal is in reach of your husband yet it's out of sight to you and your guests? Perfect solution for everyone! :)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Has he been tested for dementia? You don't tell us the cause of him actually needing all these urinals laying around, so it's a bit hard for us to give the proper advice.
YOU are NOT being overly insensitive. Your husband is being rude to his guests is my opinion. If you know guests are coming, he should put on disposable underwear until after they leave. It really isn't that hard. It sounds like he's trying to draw attention to his condition and wants to make a scene. Does he actually pull it out in front of guests? If so, expect your guest list to go down soon. Especially YOUR female friends. Again, without knowing his condition, it's hard to be fair, but he is being very unfair to you. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Visitors of hospitalized patients are used to seeing a urinal in his room. Probably your house has been converted into a hospital room. So, visitors should get used to that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
Probably not. Probably it's still a house they live in. Which is probably why the wife is asking this question and probably not expecting such a snotty answer.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
I don't think you're being overly sensitive I think he's being overly insensitive put the urinals someplace handy for him and out of site for your guests
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I would get a non-transparent urinal (they come in colors and there are also stainless steel models). And use the solidifier and deodorizer granules inside to absorb the liquid and odor.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

My husband uses a urinal as he cannot get to the bathroom quick enough due to Parkinson’s. All of our friends understand. We put it in a more discreet place when company comes. It is cleaned and deodorized by me every time he uses it so there is no odor. When he needs to use it I ask the guests to leave the room and I have to help him. We don’t have urinals all over the house. Our friends understand. Perhaps the husband is slow in movement and can’t get to the bathroom in time but can eventually take care of cleaning the urinal. It bothered me at first but sometimes we have to adapt to circumstances beyond our control. If there is urine hanging in urinals or an odor that would not be acceptable to me. We have had to adapt and some things are not pleasant but it is what it is.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Knitcrazy Mar 2022
Hi

What do u use to deodorize his urinals?

I am looking into disposable pants but don't know which kind to get. He is boxer wearer so it will feel odd to him
(0)
Report
You two must be a lovely couple and have good friends because quite frankly, I think once I visited someone and saw urinals sitting all over the house, that would be my last visit. I would telephone to say hi from that point. Maybe it’s just me.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
graygrammie Mar 2022
Not just you. :)
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
You're not being overly sensitive. If I were a visitor in a home where a man kept a urinal in plain sight I would not visit again. It would make me super uncomfortable. I don't think that social pleasantries should be considered an affront to anyone or their condition. I think it's an affront to visitors to force them to deal with your husband's lack of privacy when in their presence.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
CTTN55 Mar 2022
Yes. The sight of urinals coupled with the inevitable smell would have me making excuses as to why I wouldn't visit again.
(3)
Report
My husband just doesn't like to look for things. If he wants or needs something he believes it should be easily visible and available even if it is inconvenient or out of place. He hasn't the patience to search.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Ok. Here's my little 2c.
He wants urinals close by. You want them out of sight when visitors arrive.

Both valid reasons. His is more about his physical needs but I am not dismissing the embaressment this causes you.

What about a compromise?

He gets one urinal to be placed nearby when visitors call. Not on show. Discrete, down low, besides his chair where he can grab it. Not sitting up on the coffee table like a vase. I think that's reasonable.

When he has to go, he can just say so. Visitors then leave the room. He voids & he or you dispose. Wash hands & resume visit.

If I visit someone & hear "I have to use the bottle now" that's my cue to leave the room!

If your visitors are hard of hearing, or slow to catch on, they may need a nudge into the next room. That can be done with little fuss, just use honesty & let the visitors use their social skills. I doubt many would be truly shocked at that - if so, they must have had quite sheltered lives. If small children are visitors they may need a little wording up first, unless you like inquisitive personal why questions 😉

My friend (female) was asked by my small manchild where the catheter went, & could he see where it was plumbed in? 🤣
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I don't understand someone who is embarrassed by accidents but not embarrassed by urine filled jugs sitting around, but I have a little experience in a similar situation so I'll share some thoughts. My dad used urinal jugs and also wasn't embarrassed by them. He wouldn't shower or change clothes for days sometimes, and was of the mindset, "If you don't like how I smell, don't smell me." So I get that there are people like this.

Does your husband have dementia? It might be his personality driving this but he's not the only one who gets a say. If it bothers you then put your foot down. You're obviously pretty understanding since these jugs are present in different rooms in your shared home.

I would encourage him to move to wearing only absorbent briefs by removing other options (his regular underwear), but that's just what I resorted to with my father. Hopefully you can convince your DH of the good sense in moving to briefs/Depends all the time. Even if he doesn't always need them they are a good safety net to prevent the embarrassing accidents.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
AliBoBali Mar 2022
"people like this" = people who don't share the common social niceties
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Perhaps you should put it to him "eloquently" : No one likes to watch another person pee into a jar. It has nothing to do with there being an affront to his condition or to himself. It's a fact of life. Public jar peeing is an affront to guests. Certainly if the guests are staying for only an hour or two, he might avail himself of using the bathroom more frequently (excuse himself to the toilet, even if he does not "feel the need" to ensure non-leakage). That in combination with the liquid absorbing underwear should help.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
KPWCSC Mar 2022
Tynagh, I did not take MissyT5 saying he would use them in front of guests, only that the urinals would be around the house in sight of the guests... maybe sometimes with urine left in them. MissyT5... can you clarify?
(0)
Report
My Dad used a urinal when he was bedbound. No, I really didn't like that it was out in the open but I understood the need. Not sure how I would be if it was a friend though. Especially seeing them all over the house. And, I would not want to see anyone using one in front of me, even if under a blanket. But then I am weird about bodily functions. Reason I never considered nursing as a career. My RN daughter, nothing fazes her. 😊

If its a man friend visiting, no problem but not sure if a woman would be comfortable. Really, men look at this completely different than women.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
graygrammie Mar 2022
I am weird about bodily functions too. In fact, I have a hard time visiting in a hospital room if the urine bag is visible. I cover it with a towel. Anything that comes out of the body -- except blood -- will cause me to gag. I guess blood isn't wastematter, so maybe that is why it doesn't bother me.

I was unable to hold the urinal for my husband when he was in the hospital so my sister (a nurse) and her husband (AF medic) took care of that when the staff didn't respond quickly enough. And I left the room!

Honestly, if I visited someone who had urinals sitting around, I probably would not stay long and most definitely would not come back.

There was a meme going around on FB captioned, "Went to the nursing home's annual yard sale and picked up this great new gravy boat." And of course the picture was of a urinal pouring gravy at Thanksgiving. I gagged.
(1)
Report
I see no reason to blame either husband or wife for this problem. It's how they feel... and such attitudes are not easily changed. Women are trained from childhood to be more modest. Most men have some sense of decorum, as well.
Would a disposable diaper work? The overnight kind have more absorbency and most are nearly undetectable under somewhat loose- fitting pants. Seems that some sort of compromise will be necessary here.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Point out that everyone on the planet urinates, so using his reasoning, anyone who goes into the bathroom and closes the door is disrespecting their need to urinate.
In the days when you had your period, was he disrespectful enough to expect you to deal with that in privacy, too? Tsk, tsk.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

An external catheter might work, however, they are somewhat prone to slide or get pulled off. And it takes some practice to apply it securely. Indwelling catheters are dangerous from an infection standpoint...not recommended.
Would he be willing to wear a disposable diaper just when guests visit? These are often undetectable under loose fitting pants.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
AliBoBali Mar 2022
I forgot those "condom catheters" exist. I think that could be a good option for someone in this kind of situation. Also, some people manage the self-cath options but that's more for inability to pass urine, isn't it? Is that what you were referring to when you said "indwelling?"
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I'm not trying to sound insensitive here but, is your husband a bit of a narcissist trying to draw attention to his health issues to get people to feel sorry for him?
If he can get up to clean urinals etc, why can't he get up, go into the bathroom to use urinal? Is he being lazy and strategically placing urinals at convienient places? I guess I'm not understanding his thinking? You are absolutely right! They need to be put away or covered. Better yet, perhaps he needs a catheter? That can be covered as well and doesn't even have to get up! I'd have his Dr talk to him about this!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
Exactly. Which is why I was thinking dementia is at play here. Who would want to keep urinals all over the house, in front of guests??? Makes NO sense whatsoever.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
It's understandable for you to want the urinals out of sight or disguised when there are guests visiting and you are not being over-sensitive.
Your husband being unreasonable. Urinals are not like light switches and don't have to be mounted on the walls.
When you have company does your husband walk them all over the house to visit, so there has to be urinals everywhere?
What so often happens when a person has health issues and they don't live alone, they assume that the whole house is only theirs and everyone in it is there to serve them and make their lives convenient. They don't realize that other people share the home and have lives.
You have a right to have company in your home and when they are there to not have urinals all over the place. That is not an unreasonable request.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

How often is this a problem?
the times that you expect company is it possible to use a condom catheter? No need for a hand help urinal and no one would even be aware that he is voiding.

I do not understand his reluctance to either cover, hide or even remove the urinals when you have company. Would he actually sit on the couch or in his chair and grab the urinal and use it while entertaining company?
If he can get up and empty and clean the urinal I see no reason why for a time he could not get up and use the bathroom. (Obviously unless there is a medical condition that makes this impossible but your post does not indicate so)
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Katefalc Mar 2022
Why can’t he just go into the bathroom? She said he empty’s the urinals and rinses them out. If he can do THAT, he can go into the bathroom
(3)
Report
I’m not quite sure what is actually happening. Is he using the urinal in front of the visitors? And if so, does he cover his lap with a cloth so that he is not exposing his penis? Is there any reason why you can’t gather up the urinals and make sure they are empty before visitors arrive? If the visitors are unexpected, can you sit them somewhere (ask them to put the kettle on and get things out for a cuppa?) while you deal with a last urinal use and clear up? If he needs to use one very very frequently (like every 10 minutes), could you ask the visitors to leave him alone briefly? Male urinals aren’t very big – could you get one or more tins or plastic containers to stand them in (at least the one closest to his chair), so that their shape and contents aren’t so obvious?

This is about politeness to visitors, not shaming DH. If DH really wants a display, it’s a different issue.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter