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I didn't have a childhood as my mom was an alcoholic, manipulative, verbally abusive woman, my sister was bipolar, and my dad left very early. I was either told to take care of my sister (who was treated as a beautiful 'golden child', despite the frequent jail/rehab/psych ward stays) or I had to scrape my mom off the floor.


My sister committed suicide 6 years ago on 4/25. I was still somewhat expected to make sure 'everything is okay' beforehand. No parent stepped in to check on me with Stage 4 Cervical Cancer (survivor) or supported me in a divorce. Suck it up, be the strong one.


Mom is in an ALF, but I am all that is in the family. I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill. I'm so burned out. My teaching career and daughter-duties leave me with nothing left.


I find myself having internal (and not so internal) dialogues with some higher being- a tree, God, a bagel, anything- to please just take her... I'm 51, I can see retirement from teaching, and I have a good relationship with a wonderful man, but all I see is being in this Groundhog Day sort of trap.


I know how terrible it sounds. I feel guilty.

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Sounds life you are suffering from burn out as a care giver. May I suggest reading any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud to deal with difficult behaviors. Might I also suggest you also find ways to decrease the number of days and hours related to care giving so you can care for yourself. Retirement, relationship, and refreshment are all good goals and worthy of pursuing.
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my mom has bad demntia. I think often death would be a great blessing for and for me. My brother and I are main caretakers. We have no life. but neither does she. I feel guilty a lot. And i too pray for a peaceful end sooner than later. Don’t know if this helps but you’re not alone
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Lordy, you shouldn’t feel guilty one bit! I would look into Medicaid for your “mom” and find an assisted living center for her and live your life. I am one of three caregivers for my 85 y.o. father who has Alzheimer’s. I’m also his agent under the POA. I was blessed with an incredible mother, who sadly passed away two years ago. Mostly in part to all the stress of dealing with my father when his dementia was starting to get bad. He is much worse now, doesn’t know who I am unless I tell him. He can be very ugly and aggressive, it’s a thankless job. I have three brothers and one helps. He’s the one that wants to keep my father at home. Who is now bedridden and has to have 24/7 care. Have diapers changed and he’s 6’2” and about 190lbs… not an easy task or pleasant.
I’m checking into aggressive memory care facilities. It’s too much to try and keep him at home. I can’t imagine if I had to work. I have a wonderful husband who, when we got married didn’t want me to have to work anymore. Working for trial attorneys, major stressful job, he didn’t have to tell me twice! I quit. Which God always makes a way, because I would never be able to do this if I worked.
i cannot imagine the stress you’re under and especially being a teacher. That’s not an easy job these days either!
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So many of us here can relate to you! I'll add, for the sake of your own well-being, take time (over and over, if needed) to actively forgive your mom for the past (and present!), realizing that she probably did the best she could with what she was given. Maybe she was brought up in an abusive, unhealthy environment. Whatever the case, forgive her as you would want to be forgiven to protect yourself from becoming bitter and resentful, and then take time to come up with what you think are appropriate, reasonable boundaries. I find it so important to set boundaries with the people in my life who are lacking boundaries. ...The forgiveness will set you free and keep you out of the clutches of bitterness (bad for your mental and physical health and bad for those around you). The boundaries will help you function better and feel in control of your own life. You'll do whatever you decide to do in a better frame of mind, and you'll feel less guilty and more at peace. There's no "perfect" here, but hope these suggestions can help you get better balance and keep your sanity intact and conscience clear.
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First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Suicide in a family member must be a horrific thing to endure, my son is suicidal so I do spend inordinate amounts of time trying to 'prepare' myself for if he goes through with it someday.

I am the same age as you and deal with my father who I placed in a nursing home two months ago. We did not have a good relationship and I have the same dialogues as you. My brother lives out of state and checked out when he did that years ago so I am alone, except for the support of my husband (who has his own mother's care to deal with). I wish they would both die, they are both very old and have outlived any quality of life. Then I could move to a tiny lake house, and work from home until my retirement in 3.5 years, work on myself and my marriage and get out of this Groundhog Day trap that you refer to. I am learning not to feel guilty, but to feel grief, as I'm sure others will advise. But even then, the pervasive sadness and limbo are not relieved by that mindset either.

I suppose we must bloom where we are planted. I am trying and I wish peace for you as well.
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To be fair, I think caregiver anger from the relentless demands of out loved ones plays a huge part in this.

My father, 90, is being caregiven by my mother, 86. Per my mom, we all know what their plan is, which is that he or they go into a home when dementia or double incontinence shows up. If they are interim aides, they will get them. There is no sentimentality around it, no wheedling. They gave us all Ivy League educations, including me, the dumbest of the bunch, and they are not clawing that back.

My Ils are the entire opposite. They infringe on us constantly even though they have 247. I feel entirely different about them. I love it how they’re always promising the pot of gold at the end. She’s only in her 70s. No dementia. Total milk of Medicare situation while they continue to blow it out for really no gain.
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There was a comment, which I greatly appreciated.
"Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets."
I am in the similar situation. My mother has mental illness and was abusive during my childhood. Both her and my father wanted her home for her "last days". I was against it, seeing as I take care of everything as it is, bills, house repairs, etc.; I was overruled by siblings with big fantasy ideals, and limited physical help. Doctor told us could be 3 weeks...well, now we have passed the 4 month period. I was spending 24 hours there, with limited sleep every other day. Now have hired caregivers and am backing out of the night shifts. Yes, we have had caregivers issues, but what happens happens when I am not there. It is Mom's life, not mine.
I am a firm believer in Freeing myself from this with NO REGRETS! I need to save and enjoy my life. Once I decided to free myself I am not feeling such resentment towards her or my father for "wanting her home"; He is unable to provide any physical care for Mom. Life, make the best of it!
Balance and the strength of God are my salvation.
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ScullyRed1: Big virtual hugs sent.
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my mother is going to be 89 this year and I'm in my late 50's. If you are bad then like the rest of us we are bad too. A friend of mine who's in a similar situation with both of his parents asked me " do you ever hope that a tornado will hit where your mom lives and just take her" My honest answer was yes. Don't feel guilty these feelings are normal. My suggestion speak with a counselor and work with them on those exact feelings. My dad died 20+ years ago and I'm so mad at him for leaving me to deal with my mom there are some days I want to go dig him up and yell at him till I'm hoarse. The worst part about it is I also have a lot of empathy for him because he's dead and free of her.
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bluebell19 May 2022
LOL my mom died decades ago also and I feel the same way! She would be HORRIFIED that I'm stuck with this. I have kept her little photo in my pocket every day since I put my dad in a nursing home two months ago. She's going to be with me, whether she likes it or not!!!!
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I can really relate to your story and don't blame you one bit for how you feel. Your kids would feel the same about you if they had lived through that. You love her and don't like her? I've often wished my mom passed peacefully. And guess what? I could then mourn her and become nostalgic of the few moments I felt her love and care.

My mom has been a royal pain in my a**, soul sucking vampire for most of my life. I still love and care for her but it's been rough. My brother cut her off so it's just me. However, the best advice my brother gave me is, "this is bigger then us, let's get her into the system and get as many social services in place. "

This has saved me. I communicate with people who are working with her. It would be madness if I was managing her. I also pay her bills, provide food delivery, manage her rides but I can manage those things. It's her and her tirades (and draining personality) I can not manage.

"Death is not a punishment." I attended a funeral where the minister kept repeating this line. It stuck with me. Life can often be a greater punishment. My mom's quality of life is not great. Give yourself a hug and figure out a way to do less for her. You're well being is more important.
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Yes waiting for my sick and disabled spouse to die so I can move in
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Scully, you're not really wishing your mother would die: you're wishing you could be done with the living hell of her, so be done. I am a much more terrible person than you are. Your mother is in a safe place. I think you should just wish her well and go live the rest of your life with the people that love you. Life is getting shorter as we speak. Pay your mother's bills online and find other people to cart her around and take her abuse. Go live your life.
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If it's bad, then I am bad too. I'm the 'chosen one of my mother's two daughters.. for every complaint, issue, phone all day. I pay her bills, and handle her finances and even while she is in assisted living, she relies on me for everything/and I had a good excuse for not doing it all for a while (she lived across the country). Now she's living fifteen minutes from me. Just since yesterday- and I already feel smothered. Even before she got Parkinson's disease she was a needy, emotionally immature parent. It's just worsened with age. I think we have to realize that we are only human. We do not need to feel some huge love for someone just due to being related to us. We can have fond memories and can enjoy some of them..but we can also feel really tired and over it all. My mother will NEVER fully be happy or satisfied no matter what happens. So I have to get myself to realize that and stop trying to make her happier.
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If it's bad, then I am bad too. I'm the 'chosen one' of my mother's two daughters.. for every complaint, issue, phonecalls all day. I pay her bills, handle her finances and even while she is at assisted living, she relies on me for everything/and I had a good excuse for not doing it all for a while (she lived across the country). Now she's living fifteen minutes from me. Just since yesterday- and I already feel smothered. Even before she got Parkinson's disease she was a needy, emotionally immature parent. It's just worsened with age. I think we have to realize that we are only human. We do not need to feel some huge love for someone just due to being related to us. We can have fond memories and can enjoy some of them..but we can also feel really tired and over it all. My mother will NEVER fully be happy or satisfied no matter what happens. So I have to get myself to realize that and stop trying to make her happier.
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Ask the social worker at the ALF for a list of therapists and see if you can get an appointment - even a telephone session. A therapist can provide you with a "safe place to self disclose" --- a fancy phrase for talking about things that you would not talk about with others. A good therapist can also help you find strategies for dealing with the guilt you feel. You need to take care of yourself first. Boundaries are a good thing. Wishing you all the best.
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We all have feelings and it's fine to own them. Feelings have no power unless we give them power. You're not going to go out and kill your mother, so wishing she weren't here anymore is a feeling you're entitled to have w/o guilt or remorse or any other feeling/emotion tied to it. Own it, acknowledge it, and move on from it. Your mother will die when it's her time to die, and that's that. Wishing she wasn't a toxic influence in your life anymore is what you're REALLY wishing for, if you think about it. It's not like you're rubbing your hands together coming up with an evil plot to do away with her. You just want this crap OVER WITH already. In the 'enough is enough' category, and we've all been there with someone we love at one time or another. Someone who's sucked the joy right out of us, let's face it.

Drop the guilt and set down some hard boundaries with mom; decide what you will and will not do that won't leave you feeling so burned out that you're wishing she'd be gone from your life permanently. Fix what's broken, to the best of your ability, and leave the rest behind. If that means you take a month break from the woman, do it. Whatever it takes.

Good luck!
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I'm glad you are talking to trees and bagels and God. It tells me that you still have some humor in you. That also tells me that you still have some reserve in your brain to reflect, analyze and take action. That is fantastic!

You talk about retirement from teaching. Is that what your timeframe is? Do you want to spend your time from now until then doing the same thing you are doing now? I suspect not.

Since your Mom is in an ALF, you are almost to "freedom". My ALF wanted me to turn over her care completely to them. They had forms for me to sign to change her PCP. They had forms for me to sign authorizing them to take her to the hospital when it was deemed necessary. I could have spent some dollar amount a month and they would buy all her supplies. I could sign up for automatic medication delivery. Even after I said no to the above, after my Mom went in, they still suggested that I sign up for the services. It really is easier for them if they don't have to ask me to take her to the doctor, or refill her meds, etc.

If your ALF can't provide these things, start the research now to look for an ALF that can provide complete care for her. Bite the bullet and move her there. Then when you feel like you want to walk away, just notify the ALF and do it. Your parent doesn't have to be dead for you to hand over these responsibilities.

Assuming that money is not an issue......Just thoughts....
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There are many hurts in your background, but you also have great resilience & strength. More than you know.

"I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill".

Yes.

This is my standard question for those I meet in your situation: What if you couldn't do it?

What if you broke both ankles & couldn't chauffeur? Had Covid brain-fog & couldn't pay bills? I dunno.. went with your SO to live in Europe, forever?

Mom would find alternatives, right? Catch a taxi? Get more delivered? Obtain a paid agency caregiver to be her 'runner'?

Remeber Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? In the end she didn't really need the bad witch to die to be released from Oz. She just needed to WANT to go home & then click her heels.

I'm thinking here.. if you do WANT to quit & gave notice.. what would happen?

Some people weigh up the 'care burden' & decide, afterall, they DO wish to stay 'in service'. As it makes them feel useful & dutiful, despite the burden.

Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets.

Maybe a compromise.. finding the right balance for you eg less helping, more freedom. What would that look like?
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LightJoy May 2022
Great insight!! Thank you. I am in the same situation but am heading towards freedom and NO REGRETS! I have done a great deal and need to save my and enjoy my life!
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No, I believe it’s normal to feel that way in certain situations. And you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
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Yeah Scully, go read the replies on the other on-going thread that Jo-Ann posted. You will find a lot of company there, mine included.
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Unfortunately, bipolar disorder runs in the family, it's hereditary. You were fortunate not to have caught a full blown case, but you grew up in a dysfunctional environment which has somewhat affected your personality. If I were you, I might have developed the same resentments and the same wishes. There are no higher beings that will punish or reward you. Look forward, try to leave behind all those bad moments. There is no way you can change them. Only think that your mother wasn't evil, she was sick with bipolar disorder.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
What makes you think there's 'no higher being' in this world??? Don't tell people YOUR absolutes, Champ, as if they were 'truths', when you have no knowledge of such things at ALL! I agree that there are no 'punishments' or 'rewards' doled out by God, but certainly NOT that there is no 'higher power' ! I've seen way way WAY too much proof to show me there indeed IS a higher power I call God who's got my back 100%. I feel sad for those who scoff at God or higher powers and repeat their stance that atheism is the truth and there is nothing that comes after life but a coffin and dirt. To each their own, certainly, but absolutes? No sir, no way, not for us to say with utter certainty!
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I wish there was a "cure" for how we abused children somehow always end up feeling obligated to do the caregiving. Probably all that parentification and conditional love (or at least tolerance) as kids leaves us a lifetime of trying to earn love or at least acknowledgement. Neither of which will ever come.

You don't sound awful to me, it sounds like you're having a completely appropriate reaction to the situation you find yourself in. Look into learning about boundaries (there's a great book with that title) and step back from doing so much of her care. If she can't hack it in AL then it's a NH for her where they can take care of the things she can't. You can choose to do only hands off care like paying bills, or you can do even less. Good luck and best wishes.
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Stop with the guilt, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s okay to be sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is misplaced. I also hope you’ll stop believing that you need to be all to your very ill mother, her current situation doesn’t mean you should listen to her rude comments. And the ALF can help with her transportation. The reality is that if you don’t stop and care for yourself, no one else will. Don’t give up your health and well being to this. As for wishing she’d die, it’s understandable, but don’t make it your focus. Focus on making the here and now better for yourself. I wish you peace
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