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Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?

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Good luck! You’re facing a difficult challenge.

My cousin is 100 years old and she won’t give up driving. She tells her children, “Don’t worry, I only drive to church, grocery, pharmacy, Walmart, the dollar store and lunch with my friends.”
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Way2tired May 2023
Need, your aunt drives everywhere. She makes it sound like she only drives to one place. Lol.
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In Florida, a doctor can lift a driver’s license, or at least that was possible 10 years ago. Send a note to mom's doctor and insist that he pursue the issue. It could be brought up through an eye test.

My LO in Florida was required to be tested after a stroke. It was an actual road test but I don’t think it was at the DMV, maybe another entity that works with rehabs. Passed but shouldn’t have.

Driving too long in Florida is a very well known issue.
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You said you are bringing her home with you for a visit . Make arrangements for the car to not be available when she gets back . Have it towed away . Or disable the car , have the battery taken out . Call DMV to get her license revoked . And while she visits with you make sure she can not get keys to take your car anywhere .
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Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications that keep her calm and more compliant with the reality of her choices. You and sis are doing the right thing.

DCAT Driving Test Please find out where she can get tested - it is a simulated test.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/safety/dementia-driving

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/driving-safety-and-alzheimers-disease
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We had my Dads doctor send a form to the DMV and the Dr plus DMV did testing. He had his license pulled.

He was so upset and mad but we knew he was no longer a risk to innocent people
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Yes I have. My uncle had done had 2 wrecks and what I had to do was print off a driving review form from the dmv and take to his dr and she had to say that he wasn't capable of driving due to his health and faxed. And waiting for them to do a review any day
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I am sorry to hear about your mom. We all want our independence, but at some point, we must rely on others for our own safety and everyone else’s. I think moving your mom to a home is a good idea. You can then sell her assets to pay for fir facility. She’ll be safe and you have peace of mind.
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We're coming up on a similar situation. If we can't get Dad to agree to move into a retirement community this month we'll be forced to call protective services to determine that his home is no longer livable. Taking his van will come soon enough after.

Mom is more resigned, but she doesn't have to move until we clean out and sell their house. She currently stays with me so I can care for her, but this house isn't in a much better condition. Plus, the stairs are proving more and more difficult for her.

It's going to be a long summer for you, and us!
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take the car and keys keep her off the road before she kills someone
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Laws differ from state to state, but perhaps your PCP can help with this. When my wife was first showing clear signs of dementia, our PCP suggested he could have her license pulled; since she was showing no interest in driving it was unnecessary, but the offer shows it to be a possibility.
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When I took my mom to the doctor for an appointment, I gave the dr a note that explained our situation regarding her driving. I asked the doctor to tell my mother that due to her age she needed to have a driving assessment done. The doctor did as I asked and explained that it was due to her age. I scheduled the driving assessment and my mother failed with flying colors. She almost hit a pedestrian during the driving portion of the test and there were many other issues with her driving. She also failed the written test. Her license was taken from her on the spot and we have never looked back.
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MarleysMom Jun 2023
That is exactly what I did with my sister and driving assessment worked! She still says I took her license away but the end result is that she is not on the road.
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A common thread in many posts is "I am afraid he/she will be mad at me", like that is a major issue. So what if she gets mad, you are doing what is best for her. It is no longer about her many wants, it is about her needs, and if she cannot make a rational decision someone else will have to do it for her.

Most important, have a DBPR and get her off the road.

She can be independent in IL or AL. In FL a note from the doctor will do it.

Be strong, do the right thing for her.
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spoonielife Jun 2023
>A common thread in many posts is "I am afraid he/she will be mad at me", like that is a major issue. So what if she gets mad, you are doing what is best for her.

You're right you're doing what is best for her, and that *is* crucial. Absolutely agree. However, please keep in mind that doesn't mean the caregiver's feelings about it are nonexistent or unimportant. We're talking about family, not a stranger, maybe someone who you've known and loved or respected your entire life.

Of *course* you have to be strong & do what is best for their needs, not their "wants" - but let's not forget that it's not always easy, which is the whole point of having a forum like this to gain strength and empathy from others in similar situations :).
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You must remove that car from the home.She will get hurt or hurt innocent others.Let her fuss, but think of us. 13 hrs a week is not enough supervision.I can not understand how any of this is tolerated.You should choose the best home for her.Time for action.
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I did it in Florida, and it was totally anonymous. I also got her PCP to file a report which moved it along a little faster. When they sent her a letter informing her ,we just said it must have been “ the doctors” that reported her. Broke my heart but may have saved someone’s life!
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Sorry to learn about your mother's situation. Move your mother into memory care, have her doctor report her to the DMV as an unsafe driver and disable her car. She can no longer safely drive.
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Of course, you don't want her to be mad at you. You value your relationship with your beloved parent. This is a hard situation for sure. Everyone wants to stay independent and losing your ability to drive is a big blow! I dread when I get to that stage in life.

It sounds like you have been a caring and considerate child. Your mom is lucky to have you.

I think that gentle conversations, albeit it hard, are in order. Have you been in the car as your parent drove? Is she unsafe? If so, point out the ways that she is unsafe. She may realize that it is time to give up her license with your gentle persuasion.

I try to ride with my aged mother once a month. As much as I don't want to be a passenger, I need to know how her driving is. Aside from parking poorly and driving a bit slow, my mother is a decent driver. I have told her not to drive at night and not to go on a highway, and stay close to home. She is willing to make that accommodation to keep driving.

Wishing you the best in this hard time in life.
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When my mother was at that stage, I put a couple of wifi cameras in her house so I could keep an eye on her. I also got one of those medical ID bracelets and inscribed my name and number on the back. Once I put it on her wrist, she couldn't remove without help. I also set up grocery delivery for her so she didn't need to get in the car. I took her keys because she kept getting lost. Having someone come in a few hours a week is good. I used adult sitter services (sitter.com). They are cheaper than a nurse's aide. As long as she can still handle her ADLs on her own. When my mother's dementia got worse, I moved her in with me. Assisted Living never really seemed like a good deal especially for the cost. Good luck to you.
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My mother was in IL when she had a stroke. She was 92. After several weeks in rehab, she had a remarkable recovery, but my brother and I had already been discussing the driving issue. She had never been a very good driver, anyway. I sent a letter (or requested a form — can’t remember) to DMV stating my concerns and asked for an evaluation. They then sent her a letter saying she would need a driving evaluation due to her recent medical changes. They did not indicate who tipped them off — she thought it was the doc or rehab facility. She did not pass the evaluation and pitched a ‘two year old hissy fit’ with me when it was done. I said ‘Mom, it was not my decision. You can wallow in this or you can accept it and move on because the decision has been made.” It took some time, and she continued to bring it up occasionally, but with the evaluation, we ‘ripped the bandaid off’ and it was done.
At one point, months later, when she brought it up, I just said, “Mom. I know that was a hard blow to your independence, but I think you and I both know that you should not be driving.” She didn’t have a response and never brought it up again. She passed away at the age of 96 in AL and not in a car accident possibly injuring someone else as well as herself.
This was in NC and I know states have different guidelines, but it’s our story.
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If your mom is having cognitive issues, it is no longer safe for her to be calling the shots, living alone or driving. When a child wants to do something dangerous, you don't allow them to do it, just so they don't get mad at you. This is no different. The parent / child roles are now reversed at this stage in life.

Just tell mom you're getting older and want to spend more time with her and that is why she needs to move closer. Tell her you are struggling to manage things from 500 miles away.

As far as the driving goes, if she is still fighting you on it, you can send a letter to the BMV and tell them that your mom has dementia and shouldnt be driving. You can ask them to test her. They will send her a letter asking her to come in for a test. It will take care of itself.
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Judy, what is the plan to ensure mom's needs are met when you report her and get her license revoked?

Cuz you need a plan, you can't just get her license revoked without a way for her to get her needs met, that would be cruel.
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PatsyN Jun 2023
Cclearly, that's not their plan!
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I reported my mom to the DMV. In California, you can do this anonymously. You just go online and print out a form that explains why you think the person is an unsafe driver and submit it. The DMV then sends Mom a letter (in our case, about 6 months later) explaining that there is concern about her driving skills and she must be evaluated by a physician. If the doctor agrees that Mom is an unsafe driver, her license will be revoked. In our case, Mom was given the opportunity to renew her license if she passed both the written and practical drivers exams. She has not been able to pass either. In the end, we had to physically remove her car because she was driving without the license anyway.

As I mentioned, all this can be done anonymously. Our mom was furious and was determined to find out who reported her. For months she obsessively asked us and her doctors if we knew who did it. Fortunately, the DMV would not tell her so I have not had to directly incur her wrath, but I do have to listen to her fume about it to this day, a year later. That said, it was all worth it to know she is not on the road anymore.
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Drivers license is only one factor. She can easily get into more trouble without it. Take her car and hide any keys she might have access to. Your car?
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Judy4158,

I reported both my patents to DMV. This was in NY and each state is different. My dad was the first. He drank everyday and his vision was going so I downloaded the form filled it out and sent it. It took a few weeks but they (DMV) sent him a notice that he needed to do a driving test. He went and took the test and failed. My mom (or in your case, someone you know who lives near your mom) had to drive him to the test in case he failed. They told him he could retake the test and perhaps get his license back but he never did. A year and a half later my mom was showing signs of dementia. Short term memory loss and some frustration. After watching her for months and knowing that she was now the only driver in the house, we became worried. So my sister and I reported her. In NY they do not tell the person being tested who reported them to DMV. That was my sisters biggest worry. She did not want my parents to be angry with her. I understand that, but there are innocent people out there and old drivers can cause accidents. I was not comfortable with my mom's ability to continue driving. Anyway, I don't remember how she got to the driving test, probably a friend (my sister and I live in different states from my parents), but my mom failed the test too. So now neither of them could drive and they had no interest in hiring someone to come into their home to help them.

Long story short. My mom continued to drive, We told her over and over if you get in an accident, you will go to jail. She would not listen. So just know you can advise DMV that your parent is dangerous behind the wheel, but if they take the license away, NO ONE IS GOING TO ENFORCE IT. The police do not care, APS will not intervene. My mom never got into an accident but my sister and I worried about that happening all the time. We finally came and took the keys, but know that they can get the car towed and have new keys made. Hopefully your mom is not that determined.

Now they are in a nursing home. Do they resent us, probably. Did we try everything we could to get them help and keep them safe in their home, YES we did. In the end try to tell your mom:

Make decisions today for what you want tomorrow. Life is changing and if you do not make your choices today, in a manner that safely protects you and your community, you may not get those choices tomorrow.

For your peace of mind do what your gut tells you regardless of whether she gets mad at you. You could save someones life. You could save her life.

Good luck and I wish you the very best with your decisions.
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I've been through exactly the same thing, and the reality caused much less fallout than I imagined. I wasted a lot of mental energy and worry. My mom is 85 and has dementia, which was accelerated when she had Covid in December.

I am in NY so can only speak to what happened here. Our DMV website lets you anonymously report an unsafe driver. You aren't anonymous to the DMV, but you are to the person you are reporting. They will get a letter from the DMV to report for a road test. When I took my mom for the "ridiculous" test, she couldn't even pass the written part, which was required for the actual road test. License suspended immediately. It took my about 9 months to be able to sell her car. I ended up getting $5k less selling it last October than CarMax offered me in May, but que sera sera. She would not allow me to sell it, "I'm going to get my license back".

As I have POA, I went to the elder care attorney in January, as after having Covid my mom could no longer be alone, ever. We had been paying for four hours of care a day, which was ok until she got sick (what a fun Christmas that was, me alone with my mom with dementia, both of us with Covid) to start the Medicaid application. After Christmas we were paying for 24/7 care at home. I had a very nice facility already picked out. The day of admission, I told her that I had to take her for a mandatory test in order to keep her insurance. Dementia = white lies go unchallenged. When she found out she was staying there, she went batshit ballistic. Her PCP at the facility immediately put her on Seroquel. My mom has been there since March and is a VIP patient based on my friendly relationship with the ED of the facility. She is getting great care, everything is clean, and she even has a private room. Even the food it good!

She still has her days when she wants to "go home", and meltdowns. The staff know how to care for her and handle her. She doesn't love it there, but that is irrelevant as I know she is getting exemplary care.

In hindsight I worried way too much. Please do what is necessary in FL to get her license taken. I hope you have POA so you can sell her car and do whatever else is necessary without being challenged. Best of luck. YOU CAN DO it!!
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I did not report my daddy, I just took him off the insurance. When he realized this he was pissed but he knew he could not drive without insurance. I was the worst daughter in the world to him for about six months. He would get in the car with me and I would take him where he needed to go, market, bank, doctors, but he would be soooo angry. I thought too bad, I did not want someone to get injured or killed because of him. I guess I'm just mean that way. Oh after six months I was the best daughter ever. Its not easy to do this.
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irwind45150 Jun 2023
Well Said Ohwow323. I have been in your place and lived 3 years with the anger from my dad. He'd had a stroke, and was using a walker. I basically used a guilt trip on him. I asked, "How would you feel if someone with your medical condition and slowed reaction times was driving; they had a 2nd or 3rd stroke while driving and got into an accident and injured or killed you or your great grandson who is only 10." I then left him to ponder my statement. 3 days later he gave me the keys begrudgingly. His resentment and anger continued for more than 3 years, because he felt he could drive (in his words "with no problems"). I did what I had to do to protect my dad and others. It's not easy, but needed and justified.
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My mom was dead set against she and my dad moving into an assisted living facility at 88 and he was 92 with advancing Alzheimer’s. This was in mid 2021 and she, the social butterfly, had been cooped up in the house for over a year with just us kids visiting. I eventually was able to show her how nice the facility was with lots of nice residents and fun activities and food. She agreed to move one day before she went into the hospital with a heart attack and does a week later. None of us were equipped to take care of an Alzheimer’s patient so we did move dad into a nice smaller ALF near some of us kids. We told dad his house was being temted for termites. He thought he was in a hotel at first and would say what a nice place it was. 🥰. That was almost a year ago. His Alzheimer’s is worse but he still sometimes talks about going home. But overall he is happy, loves his private apartment and we go see him all the time.
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My Dad did not drive after quarantine except a couple times and he looked frazzled when he got home . I paid the tickets , registration , inspection - made sure we had everything we needed - he lost his car once - parked it on the sidewalk slightly and I think he knew he should not be driving . I kept the car keys when it was time to renew his license I chose not to bring him to the DMV . Like His Doctor said “ Do not let him drive .”
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My father-in-love drove down a busy street, smashing into the sides of parked cars and breaking off opened car doors, as he went. The police finally caught him in the act and concluded that he must be the person who had been reported as a driving menis by various people reporting hit, runs and missing car doors for months. They took his keys but he came up with another set and started his wreakless driving, yet again. They came back to take the other set along with the car. He rode a bicycle until he could no longer stay in an upright position. He started walking everywhere while carrying a large stick. We tried to get him to stay with us in a town about 30 miles away, but he became confused and agitated. All he wanted was to go back home and we took him back to an angry wife that didn't care enough to stay home and to care for his needs. One autumn day he walked away from home and got lost. His wife didn't inform us that he had gone missing for at least a week. We were leaving church one afternoon when a friend stopped us on our way to the car and told us how sorry he was about what happened to my husband's father. He found out about it by reading a local newspaper, which you showed us. We searched for him from that autumn day and through the winter. He was found in the spring. He was sitting under a tree in the marsh that I saw in a dream. He had died of exposure during the winter and wasn't discovered until the spring thaw on a day in May... Take the keys. Enjoy her and help her to feel independent for, as long as you can.
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First of all, (((HUGS))) for you! You are going through a very difficult time. When it was time for my stepfather to stop driving I spoke with his ENT specialist, who he has a good relationship with, and asked the doctor to have a conversation with him, in which he tells him that he can no longer drive. If you can do this, I recommend it as it is much easier for the doctor to tell the person than it would be for the family. The doctor was kind, but firm, leaving no room for negotiating. He emphasized how devastating it would be if an accident resulted and he was hurt and even worse, if he hurt someone else! He said that as a medical professional he was required to report unsafe drivers to the Registry. If it can be resolved this way, then YOU ARE NOT THE "BAD GUY" and you can commiserate with your Mom. Best of luck with everything. I feel your pain.
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The wrath of your mom incurred by taking away her driving privileges cannot equal the misery of losing a life because of her driving. When we took my FIL's keys and car away, he was angry. He got over it. When I took my husband's car and keys away from him, he was angry. He got over it. The mechanics of driving aren't what kills, it is the lack of cognitive awareness. Do everyone a favor, including your mom, and take her car away. Save a life. It may be hers. When you move her to AL or MC, she won't need a car. She will have everything she needs in addition to lots of company.
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