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I want to run away and leave behind my mom with ALZ, my dad who's in denial about it, and my sister with her family who all choose to put blinders on and act like everything is OK. How do you cope with family issues you can't tolerate during "happy holiday" season?
We always had holidays at mom & dad's until this year. Mom can no longer prepare meals, no longer clean house, no longer organize events and dad is her primary caretaker picking up where he can and thinking she will some day get better. Sister doesn't want to get her hands dirty with any level of care for mom & dad so she denies most of everything, interrupts any conversation I initiate about it, and only seems interested in how we make everything perfect for her adult children while we have the holiday celebration at her house.
I do not feel like being a part of any "show" this year. I think my sister is actually looking forward to having it at her house and being the center of all the attention - but she doesn't realize things are not the same anymore. The mom we had is gone forever. The family she grew up in is also gone. Her lack of awareness on family dynamics is causing me to turn away from her because I just can no longer relate to her.
I think mom brought us all together, but now that particular element is gone. Has anyone else felt similar? How do you manage your feelings of disappointment and frustration with your family and just "put on a happy face"? Thanks.

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Maybe sister just wants to "fake it till you make it".
I've been contemplating how our expectations of the holidays is shaped by the traditions that were set by our parents or grandparents, but there must have been a time in their lives when they were the ones struggling to pick up the baton and start anew as the older generation faltered. Maybe they had to fake it too, and maybe we were just too young and inexperienced and caught up in it all to notice.
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All I can be responsible for is the love and acceptance coming from my own heart.
I will cope by trying not to judge other's motivations or ideas of how to carry on.

Well, that is how it would be if I were a better person, but I am not.

So, where do you want to run away to?
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Dear GingerMay,

I hear you. Families are tough. There is a lot on your plate. Seeing your dad struggle, your mom's decline and the lack of support from your sister. I can see why you want to throw in the towel.

I want to say don't give up on your family but I know its easier said than done. I know accepting change is not easy. For myself, I really wished I had considered talking to a counsellor or joining a support group. In the heat of the moments its hard to take a step back and even just breath.

If you need space this holiday season and don't want to go to your sister's house, then I would leave it. Do what you need to do for your own peace.
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Christmas Spirit is gone from my life as well. Our children are grown with kids of their own and although I adore my grandchildren, Christmas passes us by and has for a few years. With the world the way it is, a bedridden hubby in ill health and money so tight we can’t even go to McDonald’s, when I see someone who’s all giddy about The Holidays, I want to ask them what they’re smoking and can they get me some.

Don’t beat yourself up over all this. Sister is not the boss of you. If she’s that annoying and irritating, I’d be tempted just to find some good movies on Netflix and stay home for Christmas. Who gives a rat’s behind what anyone thinks of you? You’ll have peace and quiet for a few hours anyway. I have a Miss Perfect, Queen of the Family Sis-in-law and I can only remember once or twice in the 30 years we celebrated Christmas with my husband’s family that I actually had a good time. I’m glad those “family times” are over.
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My sis in law would throw a no-holds -barred Christmas party every year. Never mind that it started 2 hours after the "appointed time"---she really blew out all the stops, year after year. I DON'T do Christmas that way---and it's fine, but being with her family, my MIL (who hates the sight of me) and too many people in tight spaces--I found my self dreading the party more and more.

My MIL would find some quiet moment to hiss in my ear her latest "you bi***, you did such and such this past year" during the party, which would bring me to tears, SIL would over whelm her kids with gifts while ours sat there with one gift from the cousin they'd exchanged gifts with, and maybe something from my MIL, if she remembered. There was so much food and so much noise and so much---everything---most Christmas Eves I'd be driving home, sobbing. It was just the combo of everything--noise, overeating and one of the kids would be sad about something......one year my SIL has her kids open "THEIR" pajamas (we always open new jammies on CE, too) and then she asked us to wait up a minute, she wanted us to see her kids open their "special gift"--Ok, we were being good sports. The SPECIAL GIFT was that their family was going to Disneyworld for 10 days!! My poor kids DID cry. We hadn't even taken them to Disneyland at that point in time. Their cousins are whooping it up and we slink slowly into the night. Only time I ever heard my hubby speak ill if his sister. He said "That was the lowest, cruelest thing they could have done".

BUT, it begin the end of the obligatory CE party. I said no the next year and we opted to get together ANYWHERE else but their house. (Our house is teensy and we cannot fit 30 people in here). This has been better, not to be on her turf. I planned it last year and this, told her I'd take the next 20 years. A much smaller menu, less fuss and no gifts. Cans of food for the food bank instead of gifts. It works MUCH better. SIL is still an hour or two late, but we start w/o her. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweetheart, but chronically disorganized and we all suffer.

One of my best Christmases was couple years ago. I woke up with the flu, Put the breakfast casseroles in the oven (everything else was done) said Hi to the kids and g-kids, watched them open gifts and then crawled back in bed for the rest of the day and slept. It was wonderful.

In my opinion, Christmas is the very least "Christ-like" of any day in the year.
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Ginger Mary,

It all got to be too much. Too much spending, too many parties, too much fattening food, too much effort. Here's what my family did: We all agreed to stop the gift exchange. I buy gifts for my 3 grandkids and that's it. My husband and I gift each other when the spirit moves us, not when the season dictates.

Okay, that's the don'ts. Here's what we do: I send out Christmas cards. Yes, it's true: I send out 15 or 20 and get back one or two, but I do it because I enjoy it, not because I feel obliged to. Here's our other "do:" We love traditional Christmas music. I whip out our old holiday CD's and play them often or at least turn on a Traditional Christmas music station and go about my day. Love my cards. Love my music. It's just my husband and I. Our parents are gone now; just my mom in memory care, and we let memory care take care of Mom's Christmas, since given the opportunity, she'd spoil ours. (I know that sounds harsh, but it's reality, and I've come to accept it.) It's rare I can get all my family up to my house at the same time. No one invites us over. If family drops by, I'm delighted to cook for them, though it may not be a traditional turkey dinner; just something everyone likes, OR, we pack up and go to our favorite (inexpensive) Mexican restaurant and drive around the neighborhood to look at the pretty lights.

The consequence of "downsizing" Christmas? No credit card bills in January. No battling lines at the mall, or looking for a parking space. No frayed tempers, no stress, no anxiety. If family want to spend time with us, they are welcome. If they don't, that's okay too. It's so much more relaxing; more time to reflect on the "reason for the season." A wonderful sense of peace, of taking joy in the small things, like a beautifully sung Christmas carol, or popping a handful of Christmas cards into the snail mail. Observe Christmas YOUR way, not the way the rest of the world says you ought to!
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Amber, I like your advice of observing Christmas the way an individual wants it rather than "the world's way", which is overwhelming commercialized and overdone. I think of that when some newscaster asks someone how much he or she will spend on presents this year. That's soooooo tacky1

I do miss the holidays of old, when we had a wonderful day at home, then still with my parents as we drifted apart, or celebrated with our relatives. Those get-togethers created strong bonds, and I remember them fondly. On a somewhat more amusing level, I also remember the older folks taking naps after dinner, or watching football all afternoon long.

A few days ago I was out and about and subjected to that awful so-called music played in stores. One of the songs was "it's the most wonderful time of the year." I thought about how true that could be, when families and friends come together, but also how false it really is when so much emphasis is on buying and spending, and more buying and spending, ad nauseum. I'm so glad I'm past that shallow emphasis on spending more and more and more.

For three years in a row, someone in the family was seriously ill. First it was my mother, then my sister, then my father. That changed everything. For several years afterward the holiday season always brought memories of days spent at the hospital with a semi-comatose family member.

These days I'm content to just stay at home and read. My father takes a break and sleeps in, getting additional rest which he always needs. But since I expect this will be my father's last holiday, I will spend it with him, bringing out another pureed meal. Perhaps we'll drive around afterwards and see the holiday displays; we both enjoy that. But it probably won't be on the specific 25th; it'll be more dependent on the weather, as I don't take him out when it's frigid as it is today.
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Try to donate and/or help someone other than your family. You may feel better as a bonus.
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Families can be tough. I have some concerns too. I won't go there now (not just about my parents, but, other family members), but, what I have decided to do is to put it on hold. Yes, there are things the siblings need to be aware of. Yes, there are actions that need to be taken, but, I'm waiting until after Jan. 1. to tackle them. Unless, it's urgent, I'm trying to just relax and enjoy the holiday. The sister will have to accept the truth. She probably already has, dad too. They just want to get through the holidays one more year.

I stopped almost ALL gift giving years ago.(Now, I get just for the children and my parents.) It had gotten out of control and was ruining my holiday. I now have a very limited list and it doesn't stress me out.

We moved our Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrations to siblings home years ago and it's fine. The only thing we can be certain of is change.

I am sorry to hear of your mother's decline. It's likely that we all will deal with that, eventually. I hope you find something that can help you feel better. Oh, I know some people who take off and go to the beach for Christmas. Or the mountains.  I think it sounds adventurous. 
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We stopped driving out of town ON the holiday - 6 hours in the car in the ice and snow and all of us cranky. We attend mass on Christmas eve and have a relaxing little dinner by the tree and my son opens one or two gifts. On Christmas day we attend mass, together make a special midday meal, open gifts when we wake in our PJ's, go for a long cold walk and play board games. Peaceful, enjoying each other.

We make the trip to see extended family a few days the week after Christmas. They are more relaxed and so are we. We still get a lot of flack about not coming ON the day, but if they are pushed, they will admit it is more enjoyable.

Do what YOU want on the holidays. Norman Rockwell holidays never ever did exist.
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I have the opposite situation from most of you this holiday season. My mom died in May and my dad died in 2009. I'm not married, no kids. I have one brother in another state who didn't come to see mom in her last seven years. So I will spend a very quiet Christmas and not buy a single present.

The only time I feel badly is when I'm out with friends and they're talking about their husbands, children, grandchildren, and the presents they're buying and parties they're going to with extended family, I always feel different. But I don't feel bad overall and having never married, I'm used to feeling different. :)

I hope you can all find some peace and simple pleasures in this season.
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Blannie,
Peace and simple pleasures to you too!
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Oh boy it sounds like you and I are twins. All the same for my family then mom passed ...... everything we knew about holidays were centered at moms .... then dad got dementia and against my dads and my wishes my sister who has POA put him in a memory center. BAM.. there he was locked up... while I was at work. Always begging to go home and I wanted to take care of him at home with an assistant helping me. He was put into that place way to early and my sister isn’t going to let him. We are no longer talking with each other.. my sister isn’t my sister anymore.... and yes you do grieve that parent that’s still alive but not the same....holidays I don’t want them anymore...
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Seek out a Christmas day that will give you peace. It can be simple or complex. Do something nice for those you care about. It can also be simple, just a note and a card. Stay home if you want. Enjoy your day. If your parents require care, do that, visit, then go home. You don't have to meet the expectation of others.
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You can do Christmas however your heart wants!! Don’t have to live into someone else's expectations. And guess what no one will probably really care that much. You have a right to YOUR feelings and wishes too.
Funny how reading the comments we are of many like minds when it comes to the holidays. Secular Christmas is more about Santa and the kids. I think that is what we cling to even as adults..that warm fuzzy feeling we had as children. We are expected to carry that into adulthood. But now in my 60’s I’m sort of over it. My husband and I don’t have children but I have 3 sisters and my dad. We often spent Christmas with just he and I and sometimes my sister came up as she is single. Three years ago I stopped the gift giving when I suggested to my sisters that we each choose a charity and donate to it as our gifts.
If you are Christian, then think of the season of Advent and embrace that. Get an Advent devotional, light a candle, pour a cuppa and do the reading and reflect. The season can be more meaningful if you do this and takes the meaning back to the Source. If you aren’t Christian then find other rituals you can connect with. Just tell your sister you are having a private holiday this year of reflection and restoration. No other explanations needed! Then take steps to plan that "Christmas celebration of one" so you look forward to it. Let us know how it goes and what you do!
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I am hurting for you. I fight back tears during the Thanksgiving and Christmas season because I do not see my family, for a variety of reasons. My husband is my second husband and not the biological father of my children but he is good with them, nevertheless. But my son and family don't come home anymore. It is easier for them to ignore us and pretend everything is okay, my heart is heavy, so even though I don't have what you have I am sad during this time. But I continue to talk to myself and keep going, because I am fairly healthy and financially okay and thank God for these little favors. Try to think about you have rather than what you don't have and that might help you. You don't have to be part of a show, you can be part of a family get together and try to make the best of it for a few hours because perhaps mom at some level realizes everyone is there? Good luck.
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You don't have to go to your sister's for Christmas.

I never liked Christmas but forced myself to go through it all. Now I just ignore it and have come to enjoy the time of year.

Try googling "I hate Christmas"--there are threads of thousands of often hilarious comments from people talking about how they hate it and why.
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I just hated this time of year after my Dad died 23 years ago. It never was the same. We would have a small tree and a good dinner though with emphasis on the food. Changed from a big green tree to a little white one. Presents were not that important, everyone got a token little something. Then Mom died and it was the same dislike of the holiday again. I just didn't want to see it. I watched TV, (those commercials don't let you forget the time of year though), switched to watching DVDs, and distracted myself with projects around the house. Sometimes I would get on travel sites on the computer for warm places and read reviews to feel like I myself had a mini vacation. One year hubby and I went on a little vacation the day after Christmas, so I spent the day packing. Each year it changes. This year I actually put up a small tree to make the living room warm and cozy, I meditate in front of the tree, and I am totally seeing Christmas for what it is supposed to be....not some frenzied shopping holiday. Remembering the true meaning of Christmas has helped to me accept it. Don't let others tell you how to spend this day or what to buy etc!
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Do what you want to do and don't do what you don't need to do. Merry Christmas!! Know we all are in the same boat and love you!
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It's important for you to give yourself a gift this year - time to breathe - time to think - time to just relax and not worry about 'putting on appearances' or fitting into someone else's show. Our family didn't enjoy the larger family get togethers either - they were fake, with everyone forced to pretend life was perfect, rather than talking about what was really going on in their lives. It was just painful. There are some great ideas here and I hope you will take time for yourself this year and perhaps limit the Christmas visit to a short timeframe - maybe stay an hour or two only and just tell anyone who asks why you need to leave early that you're not feeling well. Hopefully there will be an open opportunity to discuss your real feeling and concerns at another time, but until then, best to do what you need to do, to preserve your sanity and care for yourself. You can't care for others if you don't take care of yourself first. Hugs and best wishes :-)
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You're a caregiver and that means making sacrifices. Time to be a little selfish. I know it's hard but take sister's hosting as a break for yourself and so something you enjoy including the peace and quiet. Forget the 'rules ' of the season and take care of yourself!
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Maybe that's the perfect time to disappear. Mom and dad are among family, friends and people that can help with what's needed during the party. Your sister may get her eyes opened a bit as well. No harm in explaining it this way as well. Take some time to just go be Ginger May.

I've become very blunt since becoming a caregiver.
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LOL, wannek knows what I'm talking about.
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I always seem to get drawn into someone else's magical merry Christmas. (family) I remember Christmases long ago when my mom was here and it really was magical. Now it just seems empty and sad. But I think it might be good for me to socialize and be around people. So I go and put on a happy face. It's only once a year. I just wish my Mom was here. Because it's just not Christmas without her.
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I know the frustration of family that is not connected and not understanding you feelings. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of mom’s health and the way it was. It’s so hard. Everyone grieves in their own way and denial is one of the stages. Eventually your family will face the reality of the changes going on. You are entitled to your feelings and so are they. Allow yourself to enjoy your mom now before things get worse. And if you want to let your family know what a hard time you are having facing all this. You can even ask them how they manage to keep a positive attitude in the face of all the loss. That may engage them in a more authentic conversation and help you get some support.
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Getting together with my parents (father with FTD/Lewy Bodies, controlling mother with anger and denial issues) for both Thanksgiving and Christmas was overwhelming for me so I established a new tradition. Thanksmas! We all gather (a manageable 8) for four days in a large rented home in a different city each year. The pressure of having to host is removed from any one person and we share the responsibility. One person picks the place and the house. One person makes a list of potential activities and another is in charge of the gift exchange. We are all flying to we put a lot of care into picking one special easy-to-transport gift for one person. This also reduces financial stress. We aren't traveling on the actual holiday which reduces travel stress. When we need a last minute ingredient for our Thanksmas feast the grocery isn't a zoo. Each couple takes a night cooking. My kid's partners don't have to miss or have to alternate their family celebrations. The holidays have gone from something I dreaded to something I look forward to. And this year we have our first grandchild! My dad is too frail and confused to travel and will be spending a few days in a care home, allowing my mother a well-deserved break and reducing the stress on all of us. Traditions can be changed. Start your own. Thanksmas forever!
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You are not alone. Try to let go of Christmas tradition guilt and focus on loving your parents because those memories will stick with you forever. Christmas is about the birth of Christ. Makes a lot of people angry but it’s truth. God sent his son into this world to redeem it. God’s very nature is love. Christ loved us so much he went to the cross. We tend to give gifts to show love, which can be a good thing, but it’s not the only way we can show love at Christmas. We’re missing it. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Cor 13. Choose love for your own sake. Peace will come to you. Your little daddy is losing his wife, his best friend, his partner. Even though many times we have wondered what kind of relationship our parents actually have with each other if they’ve been together there will be grieving. I agree that your daddy is coping the only way he knows how right now. He’s probably afraid and dreading the future, what there is of it. Try to be patient with that.
In my situation here it seems that everybody on the outside is in denial too. I want them to acknowledge what is going on, but I want that to take place for me more than anything else. It makes me feel isolated. Mom doesn’t care what others think. She has vascular dementia, she knows she has a problem and has tried telling people she has a problem, but they don’t believe it. What can you do? She needs my love and support now more than ever. As far as your sister goes she’s going to have to come to reality sooner or later. People who tend to be self focused are in preservation mode. They feel like their world is turned upside down and all they can focus on is their pain about everything...how their family is going to change, how their holidays are going to change. It’s total self focus. Where does the care for your parents fit into that? My suggestion to you is for you to let love be your drive, focus on your part of the situation. Trying to figure out why everybody else does what they do is exhausting. You will find rest if your hope is in the Lord, and you let love rule. All we can do is to do our best not to have regrets....my brother on the other hand will have to reap. I’m sorry for him.
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I would suggest having a open conversation with sister about mom's health decline, and help her to understand the true gravity of what is going on now, and what stages mom is likely to advance to. It takes a village to provide the needed care for parent with ALZHEIMER'S. Sorry to hear your going through all this. My mom has advanced lung disease and I'm scared this will be the last Christmas I get to have with her. Makes me so sad, but the main thing is making it special for them. Sometimes we have to take the high road, and bite our tongues. Not easy. Family should come together, and all pitch in but I have no help at all. I had to about beg my niece to come see her mamaw for Christmas, and she is grown and healthy and certainly could help me out, but she, like so many others, have no clue the gravity of what it takes to care for terminal I'll family member. She grew up around her mamaw her whole life, and now never comes and barely calls. It's ridiculous. I would just try, for your parents to have a decent time at sisters house. It was nice she offered to host. You have to try to find some positive, and go with that. If we only focus on the bad, then life will always be bleak. Prayers for you and your parents! Try to have a Merry Christmas, and enjoy the time with mom dad and family.
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How I feel for you! It seems no matter how I try to simplify by drawing names, etc, other family members ignore my request even though traditionally the festivities are in my home. Last year was THE WORST, almost unbearable stress. I actually thought I was going to pass out twice, all due to the stress of trying so hard to keep that happy face and keep everybody happy (while my husband and I become the "staff" in our own home). I am determined this year WILL be different. Less gifts, no stockings, everyone having Christmas morning in their own home. Less formal dinners, and some alone time for my husband and I.
It takes strength to go against the status quo. DO IT! Do it for your health and sanity.
2018 is the year to think of yourself first when you can. No one else will take care of you.
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At least I know I'm not alone. I have had the gift of telling me all I've done wrong and how I would go to he__ L for all the keys and other things they misplaced saying I stole them.I don't get to see my cristmass tree except when I pass through the front door to the bed. Trying to bring any cristmass spirit to my charges is futile even cristmass day I don't notice because it is a work day with the same daily chores. I do my shopping on line but with No pay can't buy peasants I would like to give.I feel like I was picked to care for them because I was the least important not easy to get the cristmass spirit. And I put the blame on myself. Even if I get a cristmass present I would never be able to use it for some time unless it would be something I could use for my charges, I never get to go to a store so even a gift card would be used for them . Just feeling sorry for myself. And that makes me feel small too. If I was never a caregiver I would never fully understand how much all the caregivers here do and what you sacrifice for others. You are truly the best of the best.
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