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My sweet mother is living in an assisted living community/facility in CA. Prior to COVID, she lived in her own apt with minimal assistance. Her short-term recall was failing and she had mild dementia, but with a daily 1-2 hour visit from me or my sister, she was calm and happy, a sweetheart to all. Then March 14th, Mom’s AL facility closed off to only “essential workers”. My sis and I were limited to contact via phone only. And within days, Mom sunk down into the pit of dementia, completely unable to comprehend what was happening and why. Why am I in this “hotel”? When are you coming to take me “home”? Where are you? Why aren’t you coming to see me? Her calm demeanor is now replaced with anxiety and fear.
We have worked with her doctor and added an anti-depression med which also helps with insomnia. At the request of the facility, we have hired a personal care companion 6 hours a day, on top of the 24/7 support of care givers at the facility. We call 4 times a day when her care companion is not there. We FaceTime with the help of the care givers. We sing, read devotions, the Bible, and stories. We answer her questions several times each phone call. None of this has given her any understanding or lasting comfort.
Is anyone else experiencing this with their parent? Any suggestions on how to help from afar?

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If you mother is still a reader, I suggest writing a letter that answers her most often asked questions: where she is, why she's there, why you cannot physically visit right now, when you will call her next, who's that aid staying with her 6 hours a day, etc.

When my mother stayed with her sister while I traveled, I left such a letter with her. My aunt told me Mom would take the letter out several times a day and read it through and seemed comforted by it. Memory problems impede a senior's ability to adjust to new to them environments and increase disorientation. Imagine yourself waking up to in a room you do not recognize with strangers coming and going and unsure how to make contact with anyone you know and love. The letter is a memory "bridge" providing the information your mother needs to re-orient herself to her current environment and comfort her that you will be calling and checking on her sometime soon.
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KaleyBug Apr 2020
I love this idea, my mom can still read and comprehend, but has a hard time communicating. I may write her a letter I can show her daily. Saying my dad is there, just at his desk, why I come over, how much we love her etc. thank you for this idea
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Another example where the cure is worse than the disease. I would make you or your sister the hired personal care companion the facility allows.
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EXHAUSTED13 Apr 2020
That is a wonderful idea . How can you do that if the community won’t let anyone but their in
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Is there room for a camp bed in her apartment? The only thing I can suggest in addition to the tremendous effort you're already putting in is for a volunteer to move in and self-isolate with her for "the duration," as they used to put it in WW2.

You'd have to do some fast talking to negotiate it with the facility, mind. After all, what if everybody had the same idea?

There is also one thing to hold on to meanwhile. As long as she remains distressed by your absence, harrowing though it is to witness or think about, it must mean that she has not lost that connection. God willing you will be able to repair it.
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patrish1pacbell Apr 2020
thanks for your suggestion...interesting thot and I’ll keep it in mind. Mom is having a better week, it seems the kind attention of her care companion is significantly reducing her anxiety.
I really appreciate your comment that her missing me, although distressing, does mean she still has a connection. Thank you for that insight.
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I feel your pain! I work in activities in an assisted facility. We are trying to help our residents cope with separation from family and a complete change from their routine. The dining room is closed, and the residents eat in their apartments. No guests, and the residents favorite place to congregate is closed. The residents who have dementia are the hardest hit. Change is very difficult, as you know.
We are making “Angel visits” constantly to help those who need help. I have been busy with FaceTime or ZOOM visits with family members. Once the family sees their loved ones they immediately light up and smile. This has been the best medicine, and I encourage your facility to arrange this with you and your family. We have dedicated a special number for the family members to contact us directly for these such requests.
UTI’s are also a problem with older persons with dementia. I am glad you are looking into this. As other comments have stated, this infection can create much confusion and make dementia worse.
I feel for all residents of nursing home/assisted living facilities. I hope visitors can come in soon!
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Respect2honor Apr 2020
What a wonderful and hopeful post. I am grateful for you and others, who care for those who cannot care for themselves. Kudos to you.

My mom is in a memory care facility and, as with patrish1pacbell's mother, my mother is (actually, she has been for months) experiencing depression; seems worse of late. It is certainly being addressed and I am regularly in contact with the staff and with my mom (via telephone calls).

Otherwise -- one thing for sure -- weather permitting, my mom and other residents are able to walk on the facility property where she lives; she also sits at the gazebo she loves. I know this definitely boosts her spirits. She looks forward to the opportunity to get outside.
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I am wondering why it is any safer for a Personal Care Companion
to visit your Mother than for you to visit? If she has not been tested
and is not a nurse then I would suggest you make yourself her
Personal Care Attendant. Good luck, I can only imagine the stress
and heartache all of you are going through at this time.
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EXHAUSTED13 Apr 2020
Hope you can see my post . As the shingles took a toll on my mom . I can’t get in to see her ! They won’t allow an outside agency to give her extra companionship . No one but employees are allowed in . If they could test family to go in this would be the best option . The elder are giving up when they were just so active a few weeks ago .
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We did the facetime as well with mom. Facetime is new for me - but my brother convinced me in getting an Alexa device in her room (providing the facility has wifi). You can test it at home and make sure it works with your ipad or iphone. My mom gets confused with new technology (and also has dementia) - but with the Alexa - you would just drop in anytime via Facetime/Alexa and your mom would just have to talk - your mom does not need to push any buttons to answer or to disconnect. And you won't need the aid to help you out. I also have a camera in mom's room (Arlo) - this is a great piece of mind in checking to see if mom is doing ok and to make sure the aid/facility is doing their job. The Arlo camera also has a microphone on it and you can speak to her that way as well. Good luck.
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earlybird Apr 2020
DeniMom. Wow!! Great solution.
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This is a heartbreaking situation that is being played out over and over again. If she has dementia, nothing is going to make her understand. Keep calling and doing what you are doing - at least that should bring you some peace. There really is nothing on this earth that anyone can do - except God - and so far he has not chosen to stop this horror.
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You are doing great! I live close enough that I can do window visits as my Mom is on a “reachable” floor with a step ladder. She loves my visits. FaceTiming with her just wasn’t working well as she needed the personal connection. God bless!
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Have they tested your mom for a UTI, that would be my first concern. Is the facility clear from covid, could you bring mom home? I feel for you, I wish I had an answer. My mom developed dementia while in a rehab facility for a broken femur 5 years ago. I contribute her decline to some of the medicines they gave her.

My dad and I were talking about this tonight. “Dad please be careful and don’t fall.” If you have to go to the hospital they won’t let me go with you. I have been fortunate that my dad 96 is of sound mind and in good health except for his knees. Because of this mom was able to stay in their home. If course it helps with me living across the street.
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patrish1pacbell Apr 2020
Thanks for your reply, Kaley. I’m so glad you’ve had these wonderful 95 years with your dad. You’re right about the UTI...it can contribute to confusion and testing is a good idea. Mom had a good day today...her care companion has a very gentle and calming affect. My call w Mom this evening was the comforting for both of us, best in over a month. Shud confusion increase again, we’ll get that UTI test. Thanks again for your suggestion. Be safe.
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I have found that the videos by Teepa Snow are enormously helpful around how to talk to and react to my mom. She had a video on her website recently on exactly this subject. It might be here: https://teepasnow.com/services/online-learning/online-dementia-journal/march-2020/ .
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