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Hi, I'll try to be brief with my backstory: I have been living with my husband, Don, for 8 years and his father, Ron, has been living with us for 5 of them. Ron was in a nursing home for a couple of years before hubby pulled him out so "he wouldn't have to die in a home." Don and I only make around $15K a year combined, so you can imagine how nice of a (state-funded) nursing home it was. Five years later, Ron shows no sign of dying, and as Don works longer hours than I do, I end up taking on much of Ron's home care.

Ron is overweight, diabetic, and suffers from unpredictable drops in blood pressure which can cause him to fall or experience brief periods of time where he's "out of it." He has trouble feeling, which results in him knocking lots of things over and dropping lots of things without noticing he has done so. He won't wear his hearing aids or glasses. Diabetes has claimed many of his toes so he is none too steady on his feet, but he won't use his walker and frankly, there isn't really enough room in our 2nd-story walkup 900-square foot apartment to maneuver a walker or wheelchair. He has broken two toilets so far from sitting down on them too hard and rocking them back and forth as he gets up. I recently purchased a toilet aid with grab bars and a raised seat for him, but he finds it difficult to use due to his weight. No matter what I try, there is always a big mess in the bathroom and a quarter-inch of (water? urine?) on the floor waiting for me when I get home from work each day.

I wouldn't mind all of this and I wouldn't be complaining if Ron was someone I loved. But he's not a loved one. I don't even like him. But I'd like to. I think my job would be much easier if I could perceive him as a human being with a personality instead of an inconvenient lump of flesh. He just makes it so difficult. He spends all day and night in his room, watching TV or playing computer games with the door shut. He must be prodded to bathe or even wash his hands after going to the bathroom or before coming to the table. He resists getting haircuts and fingernail trims. Sometimes his undergarments fail and he wets the bed, and he never tells us when this happens. He offers very, very little to the conversation at the dinner table, even when asked conversational questions. He doesn't have any hobbies or seem to have any interests, aside from the occasional day out with his lady friend. He refuses most offers to take him somewhere, and when we do get him out of the apartment he doesn't seem like he's enjoying himself. It's like he just suffers through it and is grateful to get back to his room, never mentioning the outing again. I don't really think he's a danger to himself, as he is still doing fine mentally. He's left the coffee burner on a couple of times but heck, my 26-year-old sister has done it twice, too. He doesn't use the stove or anything.

I want to love my father-in-law, but I'd settle for just liking him. What can I do to change my attitude towards him? I'm having trouble seeing him as a human being; Don tells me stories about Ron's younger years and it's like hearing about a completely different person. Ron isn't stupid, I'm sure he realizes how I feel about him. I must sound like a broken record, "did you wash your hands," "did you have some trouble in the bathroom there, you know you really need to let me know when that happens," etc. Am I wrong in thinking we should be holding him to a higher standard, demanding more of an effort? Or is this just how it is, how it goes? Is it just an attitude problem on my part? On Ron's part? On both of our parts? And how do we air this? Don and I have had a few family discussions with Ron, but the problems are still happening just the same as they ever did, and I wonder if Ron feels like he's being ganged up on. How can we prevent that? We try to be as kind as we can be, but it seems to have had no effect.

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I think it's too much to ask of yourself that you begin to care for your father-in-law. He's been living with you now for years and it hasn't happened yet and I think that as long as you have to mother him ("wash your hands", "where did this water come from?") you won't be able to see him as an equal and have respect and love for him.

I'm sure you take good care of him and don't let your personal feelings get in the way of caring for him but trying to hold him to a higher standard is just going to increase your resentment toward him.

But washing hands before dinner or after using the bathroom aren't higher standards. They're very basic standards that should be upheld and as a member of a household this man should see to his personal hygiene for as long as he can.

After 5 years of living with you, if you don't have loving feelings for Ron by now I don't think you're going to.
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How did you feel about Ron before he moved in with you?
Does hubby feel the same way?
Have you asked Ron if he would prefer to live in the nursing home.
It sounds as though there is some depression involved here with on. Does he get regular Dr visits?
I can understand why the toilets get broken. He really can't lower himself gently and cant use the grab bars on the side of the toilet, also as a sever long standing diabetic he probably has some neurological problems too. i don't think he means to pee on the floor but once he has plonked himself down to poop he cant manouver back far enough to get his penis in the toilet so on the floor it goes which he may not even notice. Of course i don't know how your bathroom is laid out but if there is a wall in front of it putting one or two bars very securely on that would enable him to lean forward and haul himself to his feet without rocking the toilet. That is much easier than trying to lever yourself up with hand rails. If he can't reach behind to wipe properly you can buy long handled devices to hold the paper and extend his reach, also provide wet wipes. You are absolutely right in requiring him to follow personal hygiene and if he needs cueing so be it. As far as showering is concerned I would feel that is your husbands job. He can approach it in a matter of fact way but insist. he is living there and these are house rules. He will need assistance. Any obese person does so hand that over to hubby. As far as cleaning up the bathroom is concerned just accept that as part of life and have the supplies habdy and make it your first job when you get home. If you have never loved or liked Ron I am afraid that is not going to happen now but understanding why he behaves the way he does may make it more tolerable for you. You say he is mentally alert but my guess is that he is at the very least extremely depressed and feels trapped. He may prefer to stay living with you but if he was previously well adapted to life in a nursing home that could be a better option. You could still take him out and have him home for week ends but leave it up to him. Because you love your husband does not mean you have to feel the same way about his father so there is no need to feel guilty about that.
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I understand completely. I'm caring for my Sister in law...through the years before becoming her caregiver she was just a sister in law, she was okay, no issues but we weren't close or anything, she lived for 10 years 2000 miles away with no contact, and that was fine, different lives. Then she came home to so cal and lived with different family members working 2 jobs until her mom got sick and she became her moms caregiver. After her mom passed she had nowhere to go and no income so we took her in...within a month she was diagnosed with end stage cirrosis and the whole dr appt and er visit roller coaster began....almost 4 years later here she is completely dependent with the cirrosis, breast cancer, fibro, psoriatic arthritis, CHF and now psycosis among other things and is only 53. At some points she's become a friend but mostly she's just kind of a drain and demanding. She was my husbands close sibling and the only bit of his family he has left he cares about, 2 other brothers and a sister are largely absent. I do it for my husband and my kids...I do this because when I married my husband became my family, so I do for her like I would any member of my own family. It isn't fair. I don't know what advice to offer but know you're not alone. All she did before was sit in her room and drink coke and smoke endless cigaretts and hoard her food and watch TV. Now with psycosis she wants to come out and talk about her crazy delusions and nobody wants to, she didn't hardly talk to us before. Doing everything I can, give her meds, change her diaper at times, clean up bathroom when she's not in a diaper,
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Whammytap, put yourself in your father-in-law's shoes, would you be a happy camper living the type of live he's living? Can't imagine being home day in and day out, and be by yourself. Sounds like he doesn't really care. Plus there is no way he can leave your home being it's up a second story walkup if he needs to use a walker or wheelchair. How do you get him up and down the stairs?

Question, did father-in-law ask to leave the nursing home? Maybe he was actually happier there, being around people all day. If the place had a central dining hall, he probably enjoyed going there and sitting with friends from the nursing home. Plus he had co-residents who were around his own age, thus a lot to talk about.

Surprised your father-in-law's lady friend hasn't tried to get him to take better care of himself, or is she similar in that respect?
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This man is dying, just very slowly and miserably. He's lost his peripheral nervous system, his eyesight, his hearing, and has no energy. His memory may be going down he tubes too; there is an entity called diabetic encephalopathy which is microvascular disease of the brain, and occurs even if they are not having mini-stokes and vascular dementia. Most people underestimate diabetes and what it does to the body over time. I don't know if that helps to say that or not!

I would quit asking him "if" questions about the bowel and bladder accidents, and just either remind him what he is supposed to do instead, or supervise him more.
It is hard to say if trying to improve his diabetes management and diabetes related care will do much or him at this point either, but it might be worth a shot. If not, well, lower your expectations, and then lower them some more. He possibly hasn't got it in him to do a whole lot better beyond the very basics and at some point he won't even have that. Sitting and playing computer games is the easiest and most comfortable thing for him to do, so he does it as much as possible...it's not good for him, but there is a time for trying to change a person's behavior to something healthier and a time for letting things go. Not quite clear which this is for you guys!!

How old is Ron? Does he get any monthly check that could go towards a board and care? Does he have Medicaid? Is he by any chance a veteran?
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I cannot believe that the situation Ron is in is best for him. It certainly isn't best for you. Does your husband care about what is best for you?

I hope that your husband and you together can find Ron a pleasant place to spend the rest of his life.
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First, Ron is showing signs of dementia. You can ask him to do things but he will not remember. Since you do not have the finances, a larger home, and professional help, the best place for Ron is a nursing home. You are being made a nurse without training and your husband's idea of not "allowing his father to die in a nursing home" is without merit. It happens every day and will continue to happen. He will be surrounded by staff who will care for his needs in an appropriate manner, and you will not be left holding the bag. You should not allow your husband to dictate the rules and your should stand up for yourself. You do not have to like your father-in-law. You did not marry him. You are entitled to have your feelings about anyone and anything and do not allow anyone to tell you you should feel a certain way. Get Ron the professional help he needs and your husband can visit him anytime he is not working.
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The best place for Ron is a nursing home. It's not even a matter of if you like him or not. You are not equipped to handle all of these medical issues. It sounds as if he is a fall risk. This is over and beyond what is expected of you. He would probably assess as eligible for hospice care. This must be a huge strain on your marriage. The Bible says to HONOR your father and mother and at this point the best way you can honor him and show love for him is to get him into a facility that can give him the care he needs with the dignity he deserves as a human. God bless you.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through and I can (sort of; can we ever really?) imagine how this is. It is also hard for me to like certain people.

There are a lot of good suggestions above. But I would like to add a crazy suggestion: try making your time with him (at least part of that time) something that YOU enjoy. For me, that would mean reading aloud to him. the kind of books like: adventure, travel, etc. Or, do you like to play cards? to do jigsaw puzzles? draw? play board games? chess? backgammon? write letters to politicians (I am grasping at straws here..but that could be funny).

But you get the idea. I say this because i have had to change the way that I interact with my mom. I CANNOT STAND having conversations with her (all the repetition drives me over the edge). So, sitting and talking is out of the question. So, I DO things with her. Take a ride, play cards, go to exercise class, etc. These are the things she likes at the moment. They are "low conversational" and more bearable.

Might something like this be worth a try? Afternoons, turn on the soaps, play cards????
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OK, my bad, after having thought about it--I agree with everyone else. Ron needs professional care.

The whole notion of "I won't put him/her into a home" is antiquated. The homes are safe and professional. He will get food, meds, personal care, and be at peace.

THEN, you can visit once in a while, turn on the soaps, and play cards.
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I admire you for the strength and kindness you have given to you FIL. He is so lucky to have a DIL, that cleans up his messes. Tell your husband you Need more help. Some times husbands are fine with whatever you are doing unless you express your thoughts he won't know. Call a hospice to get an evaluation. They are wonderful, maybe a portable urinal, easier than cleaning it off the floor. Good luck and keep up the caring. You do care or it would have come through in your writing. Keep us posted we care.
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Having a family member moving in can cause disharmony in the home, especially if the family member has medical issues. Your f-I-l may not be the 'nicest' person, but he is the father of your husband. Maybe he hasn't always been this way, he may not even like the person he's become. I believe in open communication but one still needs to maintain some tact. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they have programs that could offer some in home assistance. It would be great if you could have someone coming in to help your f-I-l. I understand he's ill, but maybe he'd like to get out of the house while everyone is at work. Check into a adult medical day care or local senior center. He can attend, eat lunch and socialize. Either way, having someone to come in and help will give you a break. Just remember he is a person and deserves respect and to live his life with dignity just as the rest of us. You don't have to like him, but you should respect him. Of course liking him would help. Do you have any interest in common? that may be something that would pull you together, start small no need to go big all at once and smaller changes are easier to get used to. He may not be as able to bathe as he used to so having in home assistance may help.
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First of all, you sound like an incredible person. Hats off to you. Your husband is a lucky man. Just reading your post, having your dad live with you is ruining your quality of life. I'm sorry. It may sound cold, but you should not have to deal with someone else waste all over your bathroom every day. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Often caregivers can't see the forest for the trees. Things get progressively worse until they are absolutely horrifying, but it happens so slowly that the caregiver takes it in stride. For example, I had come to accept my mom getting taken by EMS to the psych ward because she was living at home alone with dementia and the neighbors would call 911. I'd come by after work and on weekends, but it wasn't enough. Eventually, I put her in a nursing home which she loves.

But getting back to your question, one thing that struck me is to say to you that this is not "your job." I, too, come from a generation that believes in taking care of our elders. But when they need more care than we can provide, it's not good for them or us. Your dear father-in-law needs to be in a skilled nursing facility where they will bathe him, change him (and his sheets), monitor his eating and his meds, and provide activities and socialization.

You mentioned that you had tried a nursing home before. Try a different one. This time, look up nursing homes in your area (within a 30 minute drive, or whatever is reasonable to you), call the admissions office, and schedule a tour. While you're there, pay attention to the intangibles. How do you feel? What's the vibe like? Do they residents appear to be clean? Happy? How does the place smell? Do the aides appear kind? Patient? Is the facility clean? Look at the activity schedule. Are there at least 2-3 activities a day? Pay attention to how you're treated. Is the admissions person understanding? Respectful? A friend told me "the better the neighborhood, the better the nursing home." There may be some truth to that.

I understand that finances are an issue, but every nursing home accepts medicaid. You don't have to go to a bad one just because they have an available bed. Shop around.

Do some more research. I think you would feel a lot better if you found 3 or 4 great facilities and put your father-in-law on the waiting list. This does not mean you have to take the bed when it comes available, it just means that you will have another option available to you, which you desperately need. Perhaps if your husband saw a clean, well-run facility, he would realize your dad would be better served there than at home. So find a few for him to see. You don't even have to tell your husband you're looking, just quietly begin researching.

For example, my mom is on medicaid and she has a private room in a clean facility where the meals are delicious and the staff is caring. There's been some talk on this site about people on medicaid not being accepted at certain nursing homes, but my mother get into hers on medicaid. Maybe because it's a larger facility in an affluent neighborhood, where there are others to balance her out. Maybe that's a strategy you can use. I don't know. Just keep trying. You're not under a time constraint, so start now.

Another interesting point you made is the emotional change that happened in your fil. He needs a complete medical work up to determine why this happened. He could have a treatable condition that is affecting his personality and you need to find out now. That could have caused his depression, which could have caused his weight gain, when could have worsened his diabetes. Have you looked into why he is incontinent? If your sister is 26, I'm guessing your dad is somewhere in his 60s. Is there an underlying medical cause or is it his weight? Of course, you DON'T have to answer that, I'm just throwing out possibilities.

Please start with his primary care physician and see if you can get to the bottom of his behavior. If he has a treatable, organic reason for this, and gets a good prognosis with treatment, he may not need to go into a nursing home, but the way things are now, he does. He definitely does. Good luck to you.
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I haven't read all the answers here but I empathize with you and feel most in agreement with Salisbury. Many of these answers seem to be not "getting" what you are feeling. I believe he needs to be in an assisted living or nursing home and on Medicaid. You are a saint, in my book, for doing this as long as you have. I was going to tell you to ask him about his childhood so you might get a reason to appreciate him in a different light, but you already have done that and it doesn't work when they don't cooperate. Nursing homes and Medicaid are for your situation. Also if you continue caring for him, there might be some sort of Medicaid assistance for you. You might want to check with your Social Security office to learn your options.
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Yes! In NY, family members can get $130 a day from Medicaid for caring for a fmaily member.
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I might add: why are you doing all of the care taking duties?? You work and then you come home to clean up all of these messes?? What does your husband contribute to his dad's care? Put your foot down and put that man in a nursing home. It is the best thing for every one.
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Wow would love to know NY can afford to pay $130 per day, isn't that about how much they pay for a basic NH bed (M.A. rates not private pay rates). Regardless, that would be taxed as income to the recipients, maybe that would help their situation. But still doesn't solve how this one lady is expected to perform the lion's share of caretaking. Maybe there is a family mediation service that could help the husband "get it" that he needs to do more or his wife will burn out.
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You marry a husband, not his parents. He goes to work and you mop up pee. Not in the original vows, not fair, not reasonable and no longer doable. Ron needs a nursing home NOW. Hubby has to choose: you or dad. No other way.
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I find your situation tragic. Your FIL needs to be in NH or get your husband to help you! Find out what the process is to get Medicaid for FIL. Go to your states website and search for their Medicaid qualifications and assistance to seniors.
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I know it's been awhile since I posted this; I wanted to thank everybody for their helpful suggestions. I do know Ron knows better where house manners are concerned--when he goes out with his lady friend he suddenly starts using tissues and napkins instead of the back of his hand and shirt sleeve, excusing himself when he burps, and often even takes a shower before a date instead of dumping on the cologne and talc. I did gently bring this point up with him, and I told him that it feels like he respects me less than her when he cleans himself up and minds his manners for her but not me. He continues this behavior even though he is aware it hurts my feelings.

In some cases, though, Ron is not aware of the trail of destruction he leaves behind him. A couple months ago, after using the toilet, he smeared feces on all the light switches, door knobs, and furniture as he made his way through the apartment to go out and smoke. Then, on Halloween, as my husband and I were about to leave for a party, Ron voided his bladder on the kitchen floor, shuffled through the mess, and sat down outside. He was wearing a diaper but I think he is just too obese and clumsy to put it on properly anymore--it has happened before. Again, I don't think his mind is going, he just can't see, hear, feel, smell, or move very well.

For some reason these last couple of incidents have really gotten across to my husband (maybe because he was present when they happened) and we are looking at nursing homes that will be better equipped to deal with Ron's physical needs. I know I, for one, have tried my best.
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I am glad to read that this needed change is about to take place. You have gone way beyond what anyone should be expected to do for an in-law. It is beyond high time your husband honored you, his wife, above honoring his dad. Once this move is done, your life and yall's life as a couple should improve. If it doesn't, then get marriage counseling.
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Whammy I am just going to address the last part of your last post - you can get mens bariatric pull ups that don't require him to do anything save for well pulling them up which could help.
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Thanks, OhJude. We have tried those, as well as about every kind on the market. He is not aware of whether his penis is tucked into the diaper or not. This is why we got him a urinal, because he can't get it in the toilet whether he's sitting or standing. He can't feel or see where it's pointed.

My relationship with hubby is actually pretty awesome despite all the clean-ups. I am one of those women who actually enjoys being a domestic diva, cooking and cleaning. I think he has finally come to understand the scope of what I've been dealing with these past few years, and realizes that so much body waste cleanup just isn't within normal household cleaning paramaters.
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It probably won't be that long before he slips up with his lady friend too. He "can" but it takes much more energy than he has (or will ever have again outside of some miracle where he starts taking care of himself in terms of diet, exercise, and management of depression) to pay attention to all those common decencies full -time, and he's learned that you will clean up after him. Seriously, yes, it's time for a different level of care and maybe even start with an inpatient rehab that could be justified for deconditioning and incontinence.
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Yes, you have tried your best and it is really time.

Good luck with this move. and hugs!
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You sure as h*ll have tried your best! Excuse the expression, but my gosh, you're amazing. I am happy for you that the situation is moving in this direction; I believe it's a good one. All the best when finding a nursing home, and bear in mind that if you're not happy, you can transfer Ron to another nursing home. Homes do that all the time. He would be transported straight to the new choice. Someone commented on my original post about family members getting $130 a day to care for a sick loved one, as opposed to the cost of nursing home care. To satisfy your curiosity, just in case anyone was curious, I contacted 22 nursing homes when looking for one for my mother last year and the private pay rate for every one of them was $405 a day. I saw some really good ones, and some really awful ones, and the price was the same. I'm grateful that medicaid is paying. Shop around.
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Reading on your situation it is almost like you described my life at the moment. My wife moved her dad in with is over a year ago. He has same issues; overweight, diabetic, beggining issues with diamentia, bad heart etc--but all issues in check. My FIL is ok for now, but your description of your experiences with Ron show me what my future will be. I am trying now with my wife whom shares your hubby's views on dad, that we need to get my FIL into a home. My relationship is strained as well, cause I work full time and do 90-95% of caregiving once home. I am just drained. And if i take a day off work, there IS NO relaxing or privacy im my own home. I do love my FIL, but going thru this for 13 months i really don't like him too much now. Reciently and reluctantly my wife aggreed that we will go on a tour of a place or 2. So this weekend I will let her know I "made" an appointment for later in November, so I can Guage her reaction. if it negative and angry, that is how I will respond in order to move forward. If it comes down to "me or FIL" i am afraid of what that answer will be.
But good luck to you!
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