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As a young caregiver at the age of 45 it’s been 3 years since my mom has had two strokes and kinda off and on health care team treatment which she has two test to check out her kidneys cause a kidney specialist said she has 20 percent functioning kidneys but yet when I tried talking to the kidney doctor saying we would follow up with the test she thinks I’m treating her like a child and doesn’t want to get checked out playing with her health and she said she wants a doctor to take risk and not be serious with her. The health care provider has called also trying to get her a urologist as well and she won’t do the appointment. My question is how do you help a senior person over their fears and make sure they get the treatment they need? I tried explaining to her that I don’t want be the person to call 911 for her while she sit around the house being miserable plus crying saying she wants her old self back it’s driving me nuts and getting on my nerves all day. She has diabetes and very dry skin and won’t see a dermatologist either so I’m losing my patience and I was hoping she would sign up for Medicare or with the current health care provider she has I could tell her doctor that we need another caregiver to help out since it’s just me and my dad who also has had a stroke and a heart attack so he can’t do all the house cleaning and so forth! I’ve tried to bring it up to her but she has said no and tried to have my cousin come by and help out once in awhile but she got her own issues and personal life to work out and can’t take care of my mom! I just need personal advice her doctor doesn’t speak a lot English for internal medicine and I want get that changed to another doctor but she just keeps putting things off. So any advice would be helpful and she also forgets things A lot which I heard that a person who’s had strokes could have dementia or Alzheimer’s or symptoms of it if so she may not want test for it. So I’m looking for some sound advice from folks who have been dealing with these kinda issues and how I can get out before I experience burnout again or my own health problems! I know that we all learning to deal with Covid and so forth but I’ve been unable to get back to my life completely and I have plans but all that has been put on hold. I’d love to work again and maybe college again since my school debit is being erased which is great but I’m doubtful that I will get to see that long as my parents health issues are put solely on me. Me and my father tried to get her to sign up for Medicare but she said no and has a government heAlth plan and I don’t think it will last forever. All I really want is for her to have extra help and be happy and less stressful life in retirement and for me to get back to my life take care of things a young man needs to do! I love my mom but it’s been unreal and things gotta get done so any good advice from experience would be helpful with these issues thank you! Ps the health care provider has a limited number of doctors available I tried to get a foot doctor appointment no one called back very ****** service

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Your mother Fannie is 65, so she had the strokes at age 62. We don’t know your father’s age, but probably not much over 70. You are living at home with them, and propping them both up. While you do that, they have no need to work out how to deal with the next 20 or 30 years.

The quickest way to ‘get your life back again’ is to move out and get a job. The quickest way to ensure that they develop a plan for their own lives, is also for you to move out and get a job.
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At 65 you must sign up for Medicare or there are huge penalties when you don't. If Medicaid is her government insurance, they may require she get Medicare then Medicaid becomes her secondary paying what Medicare does not cover. She really will have no choice. You need to talk to her caseworker. Medicaid is a State plan, Medicare federal. Medicaid should not have to pay for what Medicare will.

A stroke may have done some brain damage maybe the part of the brain that controls reasoning. Mom does not realize how serious her kidney condition is. Just read 10 to 15% is considered Kidney failure and needs dialysis. If she refuses this, the toxins the kidney clears out will build up in her body and effect her thinking. Total kidney failure means death.

I think you need to get into the mindset that Mom is going to do what Mom wants to. I know you want the best for her but she does not see it that way. And if she has a limited amount if doctors, she probably has Medicaid. You can call her insurance provider and ask for a Medicaid provider in your area.

I know you are under a lot of stress and Mom dies not help but you need to find out what type of insurance both your parents carry. Medicaid (in my state) allows you to pick your provider. You need to understand how it all works to get the most out of it. My State Medicaid covers dental, vision and prescriptions. I also suggest you have your parents assign u POA for financial and Medical. With their health they need them. If money is a problem, then used Legal Aid. Make the POAs immediate. The next stroke could make Mom and Dad incompetent. With immediate, u can step right in. Your Office of Aging should be able to provide a number. I would also ask what resources are out there that your parents could take advantage of,
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Cutlass101 Aug 2022
Dear Joann thanks for the advice both my parents share what is called federal employee health benefits plan my mom once worked for the government for a long time and she feels that this plan is all she needs and will cover everything for a life time which I disagree with. My dad has the same plan along with Medicare so he’s covered incase we do run into higher medical bills. But trying to get her to understand this has been difficult due the strokes and yes it’s stressful for me to try keep up giving her meds and diabetic insulin everyday cause she has vision issues and I’ve tried to tell her that’s ok to get home care services like a caregiver. So that I can have some free time to myself. The health care provider acts like Medicaid cause they give lousy service with hmo doctors it’s sad and I want better for her she sort of wants better for herself but just doesn’t think they can help her get there which needs to be changed some how some way. Your right about power of attorney but she has to agree to it and sadly I’m unemployed at the moment but if I can get beyond these issues and get her to agree to that then for sure it will be done! And I’ll look into the legal aid thank you for the advice it’s not easy being a caregiver trying to help her get dressed and handle meals and bills and so forth just trying to get things alittle better. Lastly I’m keep trying to get her to take the blood test and ct scan to see if her kidneys got any blockage or other issues I’ve tried to tell her I don’t want to be the person to call 911 for her because she didn’t want treatment! So pray for me and wish me the best and hopefully she gets the point about Medicare and signs up all I can do is have her contact her office of management personnel and see if they can tell us if medical coverage has a limit of how much they willing to pay if she in the hospital they direct us to her health care provider sucky Kaiser!
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You mention that you are "hoping she would sign up for Medicare or with the current health care provider she has." Medicare is not a healthcare provider. And you also say she isn't signing up for Medicare because she has government insurance. Not sure what you mean by governement insurance, but Medicare is government insurance that almost everyone is entitled to once they turn 65. On a practical level, you need to make sure your Mom signs up for Medicare since she is 65. There is a penalty if you wait too far past your eligibility age. Even if she has other insurance right now, she still needs to sign up. If your parents' income is low, your mom and dad might also qualify for Medicaid, which is also a type of government insurance that is needs-based.

I really feel for you and your family, but if your mom is being so resistant to followup it may take a severe emergency to change things--trip to the ER, hospital admission where she gets testing and followup, etc. Not sure of the finances, but your parents sound as though they could both profit from being in an assisted living facility and/or perhaps have a visiting nurse to monitor their health plus someone to come in to help them around the house. In some states if the person qualifies financially, Medicaid does provide some limited in-home care. The burden should not fall on you if other arrangements can be made.
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Cutlass101 Aug 2022
Thank you newbiewife I”am aware that Medicare isn’t a health care provider and what I meant to say is my mom has a federal employee health benefits plan. The health care provider she has with this plan sometimes treats their patients like they are on Medicaid. With limited doctors and services which isn’t right. I want the best care for her but if she can think logically she has to want the care as well. You right I’d love to have a extra care giver cause it’s not fair to me to be only dude helping her get dressed or helping her with showering it’s s bit much. Only way to truly get her to sign up for Medicare I have to have her contact the office of personnel management and see if they can tell us how much medical coverage they are willing to handle. I’m sure if they can’t answer this they will direct us to to the health care provider which is Kaiser not a great service provider in general. Which I know they got limits for sure. Without the extra caregiver I’m headed for burn out and I don’t have many family members who could come by and take off the load of daily care she needs. I had a cousin do it but she has her own issues and not able to assist right now. Yes I understand what you saying that if she doesn’t get the treatment she needs a hospital will diffidently give her what she needs. As i tried to explain to her who wants to wait that long and I don’t want to be that person that dials 911 period. As for the nursing home or assisted living I can see that is down the road soon but how to prepare for it will be my greatest test and since I’m unemployed I gotta get myself going once she has a extra caregiver then I can plan for that and thinking of moving out but it’s not magic and may take work. Time is never on your side. But thank you for the advice financially we hanging in there as I help manage paying her bills but I gotta get things going so keep me in prayer indeed!
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"able to get back to my life"

To me, you are now in the middle of the river. Jumping between your own canoe & your folks. They have been having trouble steering & rowing for a while now.

You could take over rowing theirs completely - live their lives with them everyday, watching your own canoe slip under... It's a lot to lose.

Or pull their canoe behind you? A heavy burden.

You are giving out directions to Mom but she is not listening.

Mom is stuck in the sadness of 'I want my old self back' 😥

Makes me wonder if some counselling would help Mom adjust. To her 'new normal'. To re-focus her on what she still HAS (rather than lost).

Reach her then teach her.

If she can look up from her sadness, embrace others that can help, more people in her team to row..

The message is: Accepting in-home help is not failure.
Accepting in-home help will HELP to keep you IN your own home LONGER.
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Cutlass101 Sep 2022
Thank you Beatty for the answer I will keep trying. It’s been very difficult and stressful to get her to see a doctor or doctors and she her current health care plan which is a federal employee health plan would cover having a part time or full time caregiver come into the home. I want to call on the phone myself since she won’t do it with me and keeps putting things off. All I can do at this point is prepare to dial 911 when the time comes or drive her to the hospital myself. This is something I don’t want to do but if that’s what she wants so be it then I shall tell the doctor their what’s been happening and will ask about getting her a caregiver then. But first I gotta find out for sure if she is covered for the service. I know she is covered for rehabilitation at home. If she is not then I must try harder to get Medicare at all cost. So thank you for answering my post and sorry I was going so long with my sentences I get like that when I’m upset. Any other advice would be welcome thank you for your time.

cutlass101
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Cutlass, it sounds from your post an hours ago that nothing has changed in the last two or three weeks. The simple fact is that if your mother and father are legally competent, you can’t MAKE them do anything. It’s not clear why you think you would be calling 911, and what that would achieve.

The only person you can control is yourself. Age 45, you are not so 'young' - certainly old enough to take control of your own life. At age 65 to 70, they can make their own choices, whether good or bad. I’d repeat my previous post – move out yourself, and let them both take responsibility for themselves. While you are so upset that you just write ‘stream of consciousness’ stuff, you are not helping yourself or anyone else.
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PS Who had the stroke? Mom or Dad?
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
I think both of them. Some full stops would help!
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Cutlass101, your post is very difficult to read since there is no punctuation. Trying to figure out where one sentence ends and another one starts can cause a "sentence" to read two different ways.

Curious what type of health insurance your parents have since neither of them are employed. You mentioned government plan, is it Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Or was it health insurance from where they use to work? As mentioned by another writer, your Mom needs to sign up for Medicare. I've been on Medicare for a decade now and it is very good insurance. But one would need a secondary insurance, either outside of Medicare or within Medicare.

Low kidney function is serious. My partner has that and he needs to watch his sodium intake. By lowering his sodium intake he is feeling much better. And also watching certain foods that the kidneys cannot process, such as potatoes, brown rice, dairy products, oranges, process deli meats which are sky high in sodium, TV type dinners which are also sky high in sodium, spinach, broccoli, tomatoes, whole grain breads. I know, it doesn't leave much to choice from. Walking is helpful.

After your parents had their strokes, did they go into Rehab which would have helped them lead a more normal life? Physical therapy is so very important.

If your Mother doesn't want to help herself, there isn't much you and your Dad can do. If someone has a lot of health issues, it is not uncommon for some to just keep putting off things that could help them.
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Cutlass101 Aug 2022
Thanks and sorry freqflyer when I’m upset i tend to go off a bit without punctuation so forgive me. But to answer your question my dad shares with my mom a federal employee health benefit program because she worked with the government for many years. However the difference is my dad has Medicare so he’s covered incase he has higher medical bills on the way god forbidden. With my mom she feels this plan is gonna be forever and cover everything that will come down the road this I’m not sure and I’m gonna try get her to call her office of personnel management to see if they can tell how much medical they willing to cover under her health plan my guess is they will direct her to the health care provider which I know in my mind they have limits! Far as the kidney situation I’m sorry to hear that about your partner and hope they stay well. I’m gonna try hard to get her to the doctors and make sure she get the blood test and ct scan done because kidney failure shouldn’t be a option period. I tried to tell her that I don’t want to be the person to call 911 for her and watch her lose both kidneys or end up on dialysis like her father my grandfather did. Far as physical therapy my dad had the full help at a center after his stroke which helped him a lot but he didn’t want anymore afterwards and still has limited mobility. Now I had my mom try to get her therapy and she did some for three months but because of Covid and not having a Covid shot her self she told the physical therapist to only come once a week which isn’t enough. This limited her abilities and was told she could still Get more therapy physical or occupational at anytime. I encouraged her to try and do more cause honestly I have to help her take a shower or get dressed. Which isn’t any easier for me being a dude and I’ve asked her that we talk to any doctor of internal medicine about getting a extra care giver just part time would help me tremendously. Since I’m unemployed and trying to get my own life together it’s been super stressful and difficult at times! She felt that the plan she has wouldn’t cover that. So I said ok if not through her health care provider then she has to sign up Medicare and she felt like she is paying double for nothing which is not true. That coverage with a doctors help would go a long way to taking the stress out of my life. Because right now I am handle almost everything from start to finish so thank you for the advice and I try to do what I can!
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I'd be prioritising enduring POAs too. Your parents should be asked, simply & clearly - if they could not decide for themself, who would they want to make decisions for them?

Next of Kin can be consulted in a medical crises, when decisions need to be made quickly. But ask Dad, could Mom decide for him? Could Dad decide for Mom?

No plan IS a plan of sorts : a plan to increase chaos & stress.

Why not plan to REDUCE that now? Ask them to do this. To help them & to help you.

PS They fund that, not you.
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If Mom worked for the government and is on a Federal insurance plan, she may have never paid into SS so does not qualify for Medicare. Just an assumption here...Dad has Medicare because he paid into SS. He has Federal as secondary because he is a dependent of Moms. Does Dad get SS? Does Mom get SS based on Dads work earnings? If she gets SS she maybe able to get Medicare based on Dads earnings.

What you need to determine if having Medicare would make a difference. Medicare only pays 80% the other 20 is usually paid by a secondary insurance.

I suggest you call Office if Aging and see if someone there can help you determine what is best for Mom. Take all your insurance info with you.
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