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I know how the title may sound, but I am not fit to be my grandmother's caregiver, yet I am slowly being forced into this role. A bit of background: My fiance and I own our house, and my mother and grandmother used to live with us. At the beginning of the pandemic, my mother moved out to live with her boyfriend, but my grandmother stayed with me. She has been widowed for years, before I was born even, and her sisters live far away. She has started having a lot of health problems like kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion.


I am not a healthy individual at all. I have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, I have OCD and memory issues, and I have a chronic feeling of nausea that makes me unable to work. I also have difficult hormonal issues which lead to things like hot flashes, infertility, and so on. Because of these issues, I cannot drive or cook a lot, and I must be in a clean environment.


She has started to claim that the house is "her house" so she gets to do things like have the heat up, cook using our food and not clean after, and so on. She berates me a lot, saying things like why don't I have children yet, or why am I here and not my mother when I don't do anything. I suffer a lot because of this, and if I make any argument I am the bad person and need to apologize as if I also do not have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. I have tried to talk with my mother about finding her a care facility, but she refuses to intervene. I love my grandmother and I don't blame her for her health issues and how she acts now because of them, but I physically and mentally cannot be her caretaker and have no help in this. My fiance tries his best to help us both but I refuse to make him take care of someone else in addition to me, because at least he agreed to help me beforehand. Is there any advice for what to do before I am fully forced into this caretaker role doing things like helping her bathe or driving her to doctors when I am not allowed to drive and so on? Thank you

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It sounds like from what you’ve written that you are going to need to use some tough love tactics.
You can’t just tell your GM to leave (in most states) as she probably has tenants rights. I just checked your bio and see that you are in Texas. So I think you will need to give her at least a 30 days written notice to vacate. That might sound really cold to you but she is leaving you no choice. You can find the details on line for how to evict a tenant in the state of Texas.
Additionally you can seek advice from the Area Agency on Aging for your county. They can help you have her assessed for what level of care she needs based on her finances and her health issues. She may qualify for assistance through Medicaid that would make it tolerable for you to have her in your home. It’s a place to start.
I suspect you will have a hard time removing her from your home. As you have pointed out, you have issues and your mom has abandoned your GM to your care so it’s a good idea to find out what assistance is available for GM and for you. Good luck and let us know how it works out. We care.
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Getting grandma to move out might be a challenge.
You would have to evict her. That means going to court. All the papers you need to file can be obtained at the County Courthouse.
The first thing I would do today is send her a Certified letter asking her to vacate and give a date. A May 1, 2021 date would be good as it would show the court that you gave her time to locate another place. It would also show the court that she has been given notice. Chances are the court will give her another 30 days to vacate. On the date they give you you can ask if an officer would come to make sure she leaves.
You can not just toss her stuff out prior to going to court.
If at anytime she threatens you or your boyfriend you can call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are being threatened and are afraid and ask for transport to the hospital. If it gets that far you can tell the Social Worker at the hospital that she can not be discharged to you as you can no longer care for her physically or mentally.
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How old is your grandma? Does your mom help her at all? Do you have any idea what her financial situation is?

Like others have stated you do need to work within the bounds of the law in terms of prompting her to move out. If I were in your situation I'd try to enlist my mom to get BOTH of them to assign PoAs, for their own benefit. If your GM does this, the the PoA can work to get her assessed by a doctor to see if she has cognitive decline and if so, at what level (because you stated she has memory issues and mistakenly thinks she owns the house). This will inform decisions moving forward and possibly give legal authority for the PoA to get her resettled into a care community where she will be well tended. A financial PoA will be able to know her financial health, which will also play into where she can move.

I'm not saying you must be her PoA but it will become a real poopshow if she never assigns any PoA and you can't get her moved out before cognitive decline really begins to affect her. At that point someone will need to become her guardian through the courts, either a family member or the county. She won't be able to get care that is in her own best interest without someone having legal authority to act in her behalf. Just drawing the big picture for you so you can know what is coming down the pike -- to give you courage and wisdom to act sooner rather than later in this sticky situation. I wish you much success and better health for your own self.
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First I have to say shame on your mother for pawning off the care of HER mother on you, so she can live her life with her boyfriend. Doesn't she think that you deserve to live a happy life with yours? That is just so wrong, anyway you look at it. Grandma must go. The sooner the better. You are going to have to put your foot down with your mom, to get the ball rolling to get grandma out of your house. And like others have said, you may have to give her a 30 day eviction notice. In all reality, this is your mom's issue not yours, but because your mom is selfish and only thinking about herself, it's now fallen on you. Again, shame on her. Please take care of yourself, first and foremost, and best wishes in getting grandma out.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 2021
You typed what I was going to say. The mom in this is shameful for sure.
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Grandma is having health issues and Mom is not stepping up to the plate. Be honest with yourself. Your Mom knows you have health problems but she left grandma in your care so she could be with her boyfriend. You may need to play hardball. Tell Mom if she doesn't make arrangements for Grandma, you will be calling APS because you are not physically able to care for her and she is not your boyfriends responsibility.

If in the meantime Grandma lands in the hospital, refuse to take her back. Give them Moms phone number. If you end up in the hospital, tell them there is a vulnerable adult in your home who can't be left alone. Give the SW Moms number. If grandma becomes aggressive or hits you, call the police and tell them u fear for ur life and give them Moms phone number.

I would not allow Mom back into your house. She has shown her colors.
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Your mother left knowing your grandma needed lots of help & left it to you. So, you have to call 911 & they will take her to hospital...say you’re unable to give her the care she needs & want her to be placed in a facility. Tell hospital you have your own health issues. & that discharge home would be an unsafe discharge. Good luck & hugs 🤗
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pamzimmrrt Mar 2021
And make sure you give them your mom's contact information.. not yours! If they call you, refer them to "her daughter" and refuse to talk to them!
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You do not have to take care of your grandmother in your home. Nobody can force you to take on the job of care giving. Since your grandmother requires help beyond your abilities, it is time to talk about her moving to an assisted living facility (also called senior apartments). Talk to the administrative staff in facilities near you, They can let you know what the criteria is for your grandmother to be placed. Many places have social workers that can help you with getting your grandmother's legal paperwork together (Medicare, Medicaid...).
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Your mom went to live with her boyfriend. She didn’t take grandma with her. How sad 😞. I imagine that you aren’t thrilled with your mom’s behavior.

Grandma isn’t your responsibility. She isn’t pleasant and seems to be a thorn in your side.

Face it, she is interfering in your life. You don’t need or deserve this headache in your life.

Call your mom. Say something like, ‘Mom, I am done caring for grandma. Would you like her to live with you or tell her that she must move out of my house?’ Put the monkey on her back!

If your mom doesn’t step up, you will be forced to take further actions.

I don’t know if your grandma would be willing to move on her own but that is neither here nor there. You want her out so if she doesn’t cooperate, you will need to make it happen.

Find out what is required for forcing someone to move out.
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You have serious issues of your own and you must come first. Either you hire a caretaker or you place her. YOUR life cannot be damaged by her needs - you must take care of yourself and if you keep doing this, you will end up in a big mess. It is sad but there is no other choice. You cannot continue and have to make a decision by just saying NO MORE. And if your mother won't get involved or cooperate, then YOU must make the decision to make things happen. Please don't wait. And when it gets too tough, just walk away.
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Beatty Mar 2021
Walk away (or step back as I call it) is going to be a problem here as Grandma is currently living in the house the OP owns. So the OP can't give notice & walk out. I'm thinking on this one...🤔
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Somehow I don't think eviction is the answer here. If grandmother has this host of issues ("...kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion."), the court might not approve eviction, plus that can take a long long time, esp if/when the gov't is putting kibosh on evictions (different case, since this likely has nothing to do with non-payment of rent), but a judge could decline anyway, given her age and medical issues.

Even if the court approves it, and does it quickly (hah!), how and where would she find a place to go? Can she afford rent? Is her confusion and memory loss a sign of dementia? If she's been living with you, there's no property to sell to cover MC cost. Does she have any assets or just SS income?

I would start with doctors - yours and hers. Obviously the stress isn't doing you any good, so get your doc on board. Have a chat with her doc, and lay it out clearly that she has health issues that you can't take care of and she needs help. Make sure they understand your mother is next of kin, NOT you. While mom was living with you, she probably took care of her mother, but why didn't she take her along to the BFs place? Does she talk to you at all? Is she not willing to even help get paperwork in place to find her mother a place?

Calling APS may be useful, can't hurt, but from what I've read about them on this forum, I wouldn't hold my breath! The more people you can get on board, the more likely you can find a resolution. There does need to be a plan in place for her, which includes an appropriate place to live and the care she needs. Eviction isn't going to provide that.
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Beatty Mar 2021
Agree. I'd start with Grandma's Doctor too.

Nobody wants to make a sick old woman homeless. it's about getting her a better plan/more care/more suitable place to live.

If the Doctor won't discuss her medical issues (no POA), as the OP I'd discuss MY issues. Eg My Mother was caring for my Grandma in my home, but Mom moved out. Grandma is sick & needs a lot of help which I can't do. What do I do? Who can help?

I would think then bringing Grandma to that Doctor for a 'checkup' would get things happening.

This is the path I started on - but different as I didn't live with my relative. I told the story to the Doctor. Was asked to bring her in for eval. Mine refused, so I took a giant step back & out & have not set a foot caregiving since. If living together I would have made it an ultimatum. *Checkup at the Doctor because the Doctor says so, or I will leave you in front of the hospital* Bit of blackmail... let's call it Tough Love.
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More questions than answers, I'm afraid.

The OP's profile says that the grandmother is 71. The grandmother's health issues and care needs aren't very clear: what are they?

How did grandmother and mother come to be living in the OP's house, and when did they move in?

It seems very clear that the OP is in no condition to be an older person's caregiver, and in any case doesn't want to be which settles the matter all by itself. But to get from point A (here) to point B (grandmother not living with or depending on the OP any more) we'd need to understand much more about what their situation is.
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Does your grandmother have other children besides your mother? Write all of them a letter with the info you have provided here and make sure they can all see that you have copied everyone on the letter/email. Tell them it is not working out and they need to take care of their mother.

If mom is only child, then talk to her about making other arrangements. You need to be a little firmer with mom. She left her own mother to move in with her boyfriend - why can't she come and get her mom and share HER home? If you don't think that will work, then ask mom if she will take mom for a week or two to give you a break. Maybe you can get g'ma over there and then take her belongings sometime after that. Or, tell mom she needs to get her rear end over to your house on a regular schedule to take care of her own mother - no excuses. Tell mom to be there at specific time because you are leaving and don't want g'ma there alone for long. Leave the house (even if you just go around the corner to see if your mom arrives)

If none of this is going to get your mom's attention to a responsibility that belongs more to her than you - then call g'mas dr or write a letter to let him know that your mother abandoned g'ma with you and you cannot physically care for her any longer - give details of the care she needs. In the letter, ask him for an appointment to bring her in for evaluation to see if she is eligible for nursing home care. This way you don't have to have a big blow out with g'ma before the dr visit, dr will know why you're there, and you can find out if she could even be eligible to go to nursing home. If she has any money of her own, she may be able to pay for assisted living, memory care, or whatever her needs are. If she has very little money, she may already be eligible for Medicaid for the NH bed.
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ventilatte707 Mar 2021
Add GM’s sisters to that letter/email. Perhaps your aunts can talk sense into your mom or GM.
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Hi there, I understand exactly what you’re going through. If she has no title or investment in the house, I would suggest she take a holiday off. Meaning send her to visit her sisters or call your Mom and have her go over there for a few days. Respite, you need it. Next discus your feelings with your family and your grandmother although she probably want remember the conversation. Your mental health is very important. Note: most elderly folks are opinionated, confusing, paranoid, sickly, sneaky and gossiping, but we love them anyway. Hope this helps.
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I would make an excuse you need a break. Mom has to take her for a short period. A weekend or a few days. Say it is temporary.
After she takes her, change the locks immediately. If it is your house. That is your moms job, not yours. Be prepared for your mother & grandmother to go ballistic but too bad. Tell them you have been trying to discuss this issue and getting nowhere, because it's convenient for them, but you deserve a life too. And your tired of it. Then tell them to make other arrangements. Your not going to be abused in your own home any longer. I hope you own it, or your mother and grandmother will insist she live there. Are you poa? Who is?
Its time your mom stepped up. Your mom screwed you over on purpose. She wasted no time leaving for a bf. She didn't want to be there. Your mom isn't your friend. You have to stand up for yourself. It is going to get ugly because they will want you to stay in that role. Dont cave. Tell them you love them but can't any more. Good luck.
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I first off would speak to your PCP and your grandmother PCP about the situation. You know your limits and it seems they are being pressed to yours. Your grandmother is NOT your responsibility, it is your mother's job to care for her. It seems from your comment, you were hoodwinked by your mother as she took an escape route to live with boyfriend, well knowing the situation. Eviction will not work, but doctors can help you put life facts together and more than likely you are going to have to hire an attorney to help. Contact one that offers free 1st time consult. Have it be an elder care attorney, also make sure you tell all in that first meeting, this will help you move forward.
Best Wishes
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If your Grandmother is able to understand you, then talk to her and let her know you are no longer able to care for her and she will have to either live with her daughter or go to a Senior Home to live..

You and Fiance take her to look at a couple places to choose from.

#2 Ya'll pack up a suitcase and take Grandma to your mom's place and leave her there.

#3. You can also next trip to the Hospital when it's time to discharge her, let them know there isn't a safe place for your Grandma to live and you're no longer able to care for her and they need to find her a place to go to.

Mare sure you Do Not Check Her Out.

The Hospital will have to find a place for her.

Are you Grandma's POA?
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Caregiving is very hard, stressful...and expensive, and it is something you cannot be forced into. Eventually you will have to do very back breaking work like change her diapers, bathe her, including deal with her bowel movements. You have to *want* to do caregiving; otherwise, the stress can lead to elder abuse.

If you cannot do it, then don't.

In my opinion--if your mom is forcing you to care for her mother so she could be with her boyfriend, that sounds like she is using and abusing you, and neglecting her responsibilities caring for her own mother. Call your local state's division of adult protective services and see what they say.

She is most likely going to have to go to a nursing home. If she is on Medicaid this is easy with a doctor's order. You are going to have to phone her doctor, and there is a lot of other legalities like power of attorney--again this is not something you can be forced into; if needed she can get a court appointed legal guardian.

If she ever gets hospitalized, even on the psych ward, or for anything else, refuse to take her back.

Here is an interesting link regarding eldercare resources; the bottom of this article contains the links of State agencies. Check it out! *Each link contains very very useful resources and information for your State*

https://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm
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I love that you asked this question! It's not easy to come forward and admit you don't want to be the caregiver when family forces the issue on you. And a grandparent shouldn't be an unwanted burden on a grandchild anyway. Some people love caregiving or at least are "natural "caregivers and some of us just are not.

I am one who said "no way" was dad going to live with me and my siblings, aunts and cousins were appalled. I know I'm not patient and don't have the personality for it. It's not that I dont' move mountains to help in other ways. I'm the POA and completely take care of all the other stuff, including doctors appointments and finding assisted living and health care aids and buying him 'gadgets" and items to make his life easier. But I know I'm not cut out to live with him. We had him here for 9 months due to Covid but we finally placed him in assisted living this week. YAY! Now we can eat the way we want to (he only likes meat and potatoes), walk around in PJs (or less), leave to do errands together, etc. Please don't feel guilty... you will do what you can do for her but you need your life too.
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You are wise to know that you cannot or will not be your grandmother's care taker. Have your grandmother's PCP help determine the level of care she needs and will need as time goes on and find a residential facility for her care. don't allow your mother and grandmother to guilt you into taking on more than you can or want to do.

Yes, they may be angry and upset. But you know what you can do, and that's the way it will have to be.
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To avoid being a caregiver, have no friends or relatives that you care about. If that is not something you think is a good idea ( and I don't), then learn to develop boundaries. It is not a bad thing to take care of yourself. You can only do so much, and that is true of all of us. Do what you can and be at peace with it.
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Wow, you are getting a LOT of input, and varied at that; some of it is excellent advice. Darlin, it is not your responsibility to care for your grandmother. If you were the healthiest person alive, it still wouldn't be your mandated responsibility.
Not knowing the whole story or any of you... I cannot fairly form an opinion, and opinions are irrelevant anyway. However, knowing the dynamics of the elderly care world with all its thorns and legalities... I suggest you, your fiance, and grandma go to dinner at Mom's house, just a little visit... then while you and grandma visit with mom and boyfriend... fiance can unload grandma's suitcases (with clothing and personal items) and sit them on the front lawn, stoop, whatever. Then you and fiance simply walk out the door, get in your car, and drive away. You already changed your locks in advance and you left grandma in a 'safe' place. If mom gets angry... big deal. Onward...
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In order to be a caregiver you have to want to do the job. Even when you want to do the job, it is very difficult emotionally, physically and mentally. The job gets increasingly harder as time goes on.

All the reasons in the world are secondary to the fact that you don’t want this for your life.

Help her find a new place to live.

if you choose to spend lots of time together, it won’t be forced.
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You have a choice and do not have to be your grandmother's caregiver. Your mom bailed because she refuses to take care of grandma. This why she won't help you make other living arrangements because she rests easy knowing that her mom is being cared for and her part is done. She will not help you.
More often than not when an elder moves in certain bad behaviors start up which enables them to take over someone else's home. It's YOUR house not hers and don't forget it. Don't let grandma forget it either.
Because of your many health issues your doctor might be able to advise you on how to get your grandmother out of your house and what people you should talk to. If you have other family members who would be willing to take her in, speak to them too.
Then get together with your mom and tell her that grandma has to be out of your house within a month. It's very important that you stick to a timeline. Otherwise you will be stuck forever in the care situation. Your mom must be given the amount of time you specify to make arrangements for her mother. If she refuses to take any action, then you will have to. When the time you specify is up, pack up grandma's things then drop her off at mom and boyfriend's house. Or you will have to do what is known as an ER dump. That is bring your grandmother to the ER of your town's hospital and tell them she is in need of what is called a 'Social Admit' because you refuse to and are physically unable to care for her in your home. Grandma will be admitted to the hospital. Then a social worker will come and speak with you. The social worker will try to find other family willing to take her in and provide care for her. If they cannot find any they will keep her in the hospital until they find placement in a care facility.
Expect your mom and your grandmother to resist. They will likely think you're bluffing and won't take action and that everything will stay as it is because you're just angry. Don't let this happen.
Warn them and give them both a month to find a new place for grandma. If they refuse to then you have to do what must be done and drop her off at the ER.
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many good comments...I'll add a sort of a twist....If Grandma receives any mail at your house, go to post office and, with your POA, open a PO Box in her name and direct all mail to go to that PO..Reason, if a person receives mail at an address, then they must be evicted from that house - at least that is my understanding...

Caution: having her go to your mom's house for a few days and changing the locks on your home could backfire if your mom brings her back and leaves her on the front porch...Potential Solution: Find a place nearby to park your car(s) and thus make it appear that you and fiance are not home.

In addition, follow advice given to talk with social worker and get a lawyer to provide one free consult visit.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob
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My heart breaks for you, smallbackpack. When I first read the title my reaction was as you predicted--ask my siblings! They seem to have mastered it. :) But reading your story provided a whole different context. I hope that you are able to follow the very good advice provided by other posters her. Keeping you in my prayers!
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There is an obligation to assist and it's the right thing to do, do what you can consult services. How would it have been if they left you to the side and you are correct your mother needs to step up to the plate and if her husband to be was doing the right thing would help out too as would your husband to be.

You all got time for a man...get priorities set. Family first. Your mother is the most wrong here. Grandma will likely leave her $ to the church which is good too. Grandma too needs to be considerate...it's a 3-way here but again, i find the fault with your mother. Prayers.
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Taarna Mar 2021
There is no legal obligation to help another, including an adult family member. "Forcing a caregiver role" usually results in poorer care and lots of resentment.. In this person's case, she/he needs to help grandmother into an appropriate placement.
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Get connected with agencies or a social worker who you can discuss this situation with and who knows what services are available in your area to give you help and advice. Your duty is to make sure your grandmother is in a place where she can age safely and with dignity. You and your fiance don't have to be the full-time caregivers. Is she still mentally capable enough to have a realistic discussion about how she wants to age when she gets to the point where she cannot take care of herself, and your limited capabilities? Your mother should be in on this discussion if it is feasible. Is she financially able to hire aides to assist with the cleaning, take her to doctors appointments, bathing, etc.? If not, you have to discuss her moving to an assisted living facility. They are not all bad, and she would have everything taken care of for her. A sensitive part of the discussion is making sure that all of the paperwork is in order, with Powers of Attorney for medical and financial decisions, living will with her medical directives, a will if she has assets, etc. Financial companies usually have their own POA forms, and a POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare. Usually the POA would be your mother (her daughter). You may need an attorney for this.
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Before YOU are the one hurt due to damage to your health, call Adult Protective Services. My original answer was a short RUN...but this is not funny. I am the one living under my parents roof but feel I more than earn my keep (and pay for my own food) by being the IT girl...then after years of good health the end of last September the proverbial you know what hit the fan...I wound up rushed to the hospital and helicoptered to have emergency surgery for a dissected aorta which is typically fatal. Please don't follow in my footsteps. Regardless, there must be a Plan B considering if something god forbid did happen to you, who would look after grandma. You cannot possibly take this caregiving role on to the extent that is expected and if you don't mind my saying, shame on your mother. You have obviously more caring in your soul than she in hers. I am hopeful there are community resources in your area to help with the tasks you are concerned about being needed. Every area of our country is covered by an Area Agency on Aging and they should be able to aim you in the right direction. IF you google it, you should be able to zoom in on the local one. Help is out there, take advantage of it, and take comfort in knowing you have already done the best you can. Do not let this consume you. Only of late have I begun to put my foot down and let my elder father know I am NOT his darn maid, cleaner, laundress, chef, personal assistant, appt maker, or bookkeeper. ENOUGH!
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I thought I answered this but can't find it so here goes. First of all, YOU must put YOU first. You have physical and other problems and you cannot be forced to do something that is going to worsen YOUR conditions and situations. You must stand firm and make that known to everyone. There is NO room for negotiation - and have a doctor to back you up. And if your grandmother is making life difficult for you, then tell her to shut up or get out - do NOT allow it and do NOT tolerate it. Obviously your mother is NOT going to do anything to help you. Do YOU have a Power of Attorney so you have some clout. Try to get one. I would work, in conjunction with services for the elderly, that something has to be done to either get her a caretaker and relieve you or she has to be placed. In the meantime, and it will be hard, you simply have to be tough and say NO. You could see if there are other ways to transport her, etc. - not you. Good luck.
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smallbackpack: Imho, I feel for you. I really do. It is IMPERATIVE that you take care of the most important person, which is yourself as you're already an unwell individual. For whatever reason (boyfriend, you stated), your mother decided to move out. That, in no way, leaves you the obligation to care for HER mother. Suggest calling your local Council on Aging.
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