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He yells at me and he’s usually wrong in what he’s yelling about. I finally asked for his apology after an incident today and he tried to justify his yelling and refused to apologize. I’ve stayed in my room the rest of the evening. I don’t know what I might say if i was around him right now.

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Stroke can cause dementia, and it can also cause dramatic personality changes. I am assuming this IS a change for him? Because sometimes it is what you have been seeing, just more so. And then there is depression. It can manifest as sadness, and that is what we are more used to thinking of it as, but it can manifest almost 50% of the time as ANGER, and that is something truly different.
If this is a dramatic change for him since the stroke, then I would say related. Some wake out of strokes swearing when they never spoke a profane word in their lives before. If this is since bouts with two illnesses, and some deficits, then I would consider depression. Whichever, it requires a doctor's evaluation.
I would be clear and honest and KIND with your husband. I would explain that there are behavior changes and I would give examples. I would ask him to go for an evaluation. If he refuses I would make it clear that I am perfectly capable of legal separation and would not be willing to live with someone abusive to me. I would say it gently, I would say that I loved him very much, BUT. And as we all know, it is the BUT that matters ultimately.
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SassyKat Sep 2019
I’m planning to do pretty much that within the next day or two. Except he isn’t my husband, we’re not related, but I don’t think he wants to lose me as his caregiver either. I have an appointment for him on the 19th.
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You need to contact his Dr. about these changes. He probably has Dementia caused by the stroke. There are medications for this.
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You don’t indicate if your “little old man” is your hubby, a relative or just someone for whom you are caregiving. You also don’t say if he has dementia or if these reactions of his are part of his personality. This man has had a “double whammy” blow to his health and the stroke could have affected his mental health. If you are to care for him, you need to be able to speak with his doctor to find out if the stroke did affect him this way. You should be on his HIPPA disclosure forms. I’d be angry too if something like that happened to me. And, I’d probably lash out at the nearest target, which unfortunately, happens to be you. You are smart for walking away when he is “in a mood”. It isn’t an answer to your situation, but at the time, it’s the smartest thing to do.

You say in your profile that this seemed like the perfect job for you, but now you are having second thoughts. Caregiving is far from easy. When it’s a relative, we more or less feel obligated, but when it’s a “job” we’ve taken and things fall apart with the person we’re caring for, it could be more of a temptation to say “forget this! I’m going to get a job somewhere else.” You need to think long and hard about the advantages and disadvantages about this job you’ve taken on. Whether this is just his personally or he has dementia, it’s difficult to deal with. And, if it’s dementia, it will get worse. His children MUST be kept apprised of his behavior. You do have POA, but this does not really come into full effect until he can be proven incompetent. He is already balking about seeing the doctors at the VA and without medical supervision, you’re sunk before you even start. If you are able to, in a calmer moment, tell him you really want to help him out, but you are not willing to tolerate yelling and insults, apology or not. You refuse to be treated like that. There must be mutual respect and tolerance or you will not be able to continue in this position. If his behavior continues, notify his children that you are resigning your POA and your position as his caregiver.
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SassyKat Sep 2019
We are not related. He’s 92. I can talk to his children but it really isn’t going to make a difference. Neither one wants to be involved in his care, they just want kept apprised. Yes, it seems to be that he’s taking things out on me, probably because I’m here and he feels safe yelling at me. It’s just getting very difficult for me to keep taking day after day. I agree, I need to have a calm discussion with him about it. I don’t know what I’d do if I have to quit, since I live here, it would mean a lot of changes, so I’m hoping we can make things better somehow and SOON!
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I have DPOA for medical. We are in TX, his son is in CO and his daughter is in S. America. I have thought that I need to get him to the dr. Right now I’m trying to get him to the Dallas VA because he needs his pacemaker battery replaced. He was scheduled to do it a week ago, but canceled it due to cost. He wants it done at the VA and I’m having trouble getting ahold of them to get him in. That comes first I think.
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To answer your question we need more information:
Does anyone have durable Power of Attorney for him, like a relative? If no one, then does he have any relatives locally you can discuss this issue with? His worsening mental state may be related to his stroke, his medications or a new health issue...do you think you would be able to get him to see his doctor?
Thanks
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