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My dad at 88 was recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma. He was the caregiver of my mom for years; now I care for them both with 2 brothers support from a distance. We have gone thru 3 visiting angels, presently I am the caregiver. I live 30 minutes away and go daily to their home to shop for groceries, plan and prepare their 3 meals, laundry, daily chores, take them both to appointments, etc. The hardest thing to deal with is my moms temperament which I hate to say, is just mean. She chooses to yell, say mean things which are demeaning. If you don’t agree with her, you are chastised or possibly slapped. She has always been a stern woman believing she is always in the right; definitely not a warm, loving type person, telling me I’m much too sensitive. I tell her I love her every time I see her or leave her; her response is ‘thank you’.
I want to help my parents in their old age and illnesses but am finding myself not wanting to go to their home because of the constant fighting between them, mean behavior toward each other…mostly my mom towards my dad, and me not being able to do anything right in their eyes. It’s like walking on eggs shells in a lions den!
How do I do this? I’m a loving daughter who has sacrificed much to be able to help them, no family near by to help, and especially with Covid, finding it hard to hire home care.

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Sounds like your mom may have dementia, and "meanness" is a typical behavior. Has she had a diagnosis from her doctor? If not, this should happen so that you know what you're dealing with and so that future medical care (like perhaps meds for anxiety, agitation and depression) can be prescribed when if needed. Also, you may need a diagnosis in order for the PoA's authority to become active.

I have learned a great deal about how to work with my LOs with dementia in order to move things along and keep the peace by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. Your mom may not get any nicer so you will need to educate yourself if you're going to be their primary caregiver. You must keep reminding yourself that your mom's brain is broken and she wouldn't be saying and doing the things she is now doing if she were her prior self.

I was given this list by a friend and find it very useful:

Rules for engaging with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force

It's hard and I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
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Bailey224 Nov 2021
Thank you for your wisdom. I sincerely believe I am following your suggestions and am a very patient person (being a retired teacher helps). We have finally found a Visiting Angel who is relieving my daily visits and care of them. My mother’s attitude toward me has gotten much worse, re..yelling, pointing finger, telling me to shut up among other unkind things, accuses me of trying to take over her home, and ultimately has told me to leave her home and not return, that I’m not needed or wanted any longer. 
It is hard to understand she may have dementia…she gives my dad his meds correctly as well as her own, continues to pay bills correctly, handles laundry ok, works puzzles constantly (to the point of ignoring people), reads a newspaper, magazines and calls in orders on phone for gifts, etc. She refuses to learn computer use, seldom uses her cell phone, and blocks almost everyone from their landline if she doesn’t know the number…even doctors, visiting angels, insurances, etc that try to get through to her. They call me because they can’t get through on her phone, and the result is I’m trying to run her house. If the visiting angel gives me a list of groceries to order(I’ve been setting up groceries online for home delivery) and she thinks I have talked to her too much, I’m trying to run her house. Although my mom doesn’t communicate with the caretaker at all, simply busies herself working her puzzles. 
I will have to return to her home to take my dad to his treatment and labs weekly, that she can’t control. My dad has been placed in the middle, and I fear it will jeopardize his treatment and success of getting better. He experiences verbal abuse and mean outbursts from her as well and has for years, and tells me I need to ‘be an adult’
and ignore her, yet he also tells me he knows I need to leave when she treats me badly and not be her punching bag.
I have been leaving as I told them both I would, and now have been told by mom that I don’t need to come back.
I am on wonderful terms with their visiting angel and pray she will continue. I have made her aware I won’t be there for a while and have asked her to keep me updated on them. I will continue to do things for them in the background…order groceries, take care of prescriptions, insurance needs, etc.
What else do you suggest I do to help them both? My mom will never agree to be ‘evaluated’ for dementia.
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Geaton has given you wise advice. I’ll add that it’s never okay to be slapped, no matter the condition of a person. And the verbal abuse isn’t okay either. Let mom know you’ll leave each time it happens, even if that means not helping. And do leave. Guarding your own emotional health is always wise
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againx100 Oct 2021
I agree. No need to put up with this abuse.

Also agree that she may have dementia and I would think she might need a little bit of a med that might make her less violent.

Is there home care in your area? If so, I would push harder for that and say that you just can't do the level of care you have been. I'd be afraid a little bit for my safety. You do not need to put yourself in this negative and generally horrible situation.

Maybe a meeting with your siblings is in order to discuss how to deal with mom? It'd be nice if you were all on the same page.

Set some reasonable boundaries and stick with them.

Is your dad's condition poor and he is not able to care for himself? That makes it tricky but seriously get some outside help ASAP. Or they will have to end up in some type of placement if no one can safely care for them at home anymore.

So sorry for your situation.
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People talk about how it's always dementia. Well it isn't. My ILs do not have it, but as they have grown more frail, they have become more demanding and sometimes even combative with their verbal abuse.

Yours has gone to physical, and that layers an extra layer of unacceptability. No home care person will put up with this either.

If there's still no POA and they are still of enough sound mind to not do that, then it is on them and not on you, their dysfunction.

Another question, do they moderate their behaviors around non-family? Then they know how to moderate their behaviors. If it's still their money, then they can spend it on people who they would treat with some civility. You have no obligation to do this for free while being abused.
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Bailey224 Nov 2021
I have POA for my mom. She has POA for my dad but chooses not to accept the responsibility. She asked me to do it and I agreed as I’m the only child near by and retired, so I have somewhat more time than my brothers who work full time jobs and live away. I do not have medical POA for either of them. I really don’t believe either of my parents have dementia. My mom has always been a stern women and hard on me, but now has become explosive. To my credit, I have always been a loving daughter and absolutely am dumbfounded where her accusations are coming from and why she feels this way toward me now. She does NOT treat anyone else this way except my dad. She demeans him every single day multiple times. It is so sad to see this happen towards the end of their lives. He is a loving man, provided her a wonderful life (retired dentist). She never had to work, was a socialite in their small town, always having house keepers. Quite a charmed life. They have plenty of money for good in home care, and finally have a wonderful visiting angel every morning.
I will still be taking my dad to his weekly appts I think. But otherwise, I am not welcome in her home. Neither of them drive, so she has told me she is making other arrangements to get to her appts and I’m not needed. This treatment and alienation of me has really hurt my dad, besides myself. He refuses to confront her though. I have told them both my boundaries and will hold to them. Unfortunately it is sacrificing valued time I could be having with them (if she weren't being abusive).
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Can you arrange to see your Dad in a separate room? If you could set up a couple of comfortable chairs, you could be with him without so much abuse from your mother, and without you being present for disagreements between them. Your mother will probably dislike it, but you don’t have to do what you are told. It’s not just HER house. It’s not her right to tell you not to visit, either. If she wants to join you and Dad in the separate room, it’s on your terms. I’d put a hook high on the door so she can’t just walk in. You go back to Boundaries, and ‘I’ll talk to you later when you’re in a happier mood’.

Deal with your father on his own as much as you can. After all he eats the food, needs the groceries, get prescriptions filled etc. You don’t need to get the groceries that only your mother likes, either. You have a perfect right to do this, and in fact it’s what mother says she wants. Stand up for yourself. If mother gets away with this, she is not going to change. Many older people thoroughly enjoy flexing their muscles like this.
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Bailey224 Nov 2021
Thank you so much for your response. I have actually seen her smiling while she is yelling at me and, Yes, she seems to thrive on it now. It’s some sort of very sick empowerment. Breaks my heart, but I hold my own until I’m alone. I am not sure if I can visit with my dad alone or not. I do know he wants me to be there whenever I want and has been frustrated when I had to leave before. He would welcome me. I’m going to visit with him by phone when I know I can first, although she gets upset if he is on his phone too long and he complies. His cancer and meds tire him and he just doesn’t want to fight with her. I fear all of this is very detrimental to his treatment success. After I visit by phone, I’ll determine if I can visit him in person.
I would of never dreamed their last years would be this way. Thank you for your encouragement.
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Your mother may not have dementia at all, she may just enjoy being mean and her personality disorder or mental illness has ramped up with old age. She may hate that her husband is sick now and you're showing HIM attention instead of HER, so that's where the rage is coming from. I don't know, I'm just guessing because I have a mother who's nuts and acted a lot like a raging b**** when dad had an inoperable brain tumor in 2014. She always treated him like garbage but she really started fighting with him terribly when he became wheelchair bound! He was stealing HER glory and it infuriated her that I was taking him to the doctor and the hospital and she was being neglected. She even insisted I take her to the ER for bruises on her arms once when dad was upstairs in the same hospital having surgery on his broken hip! True story. The doctor said, " What are you doing here Josephine?" She told him her daughter made her come to the ER! 🤐

So she'd fight with dad to the point where my DH and I would be called in to break it up! Dad was so kind and tolerant of her ugliness, too, until the end of his life. He'd always stick up for her and tell me I was wrong for getting aggravated with her, but towards the end, HE was the one who was sick and tired of her antics!

I always felt badly for dad but kept in mind he chose to stay married to the woman. I, on the other hand, chose to leave her presence when her behavior got ugly, and I still do. She has advanced dementia now at almost 95, lives in Memory Care, and never utters dad's name...he died in 2015. She could care less.

Try to avoid your mother and definitely don't tolerate being slapped! Do what you can for dad and speak with him on the phone privately to see what he needs from you. It stinks being put in the middle of your parents like this, I feel your pain.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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Bailey, have you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson? I see similarities in the dynamics of your parents situation and mine. That book helped me tremendously to make sense of things.

I don't have any answers other than slapping you is abusive and you owe it to yourself and her to put the kibosh on that asap. You sound like a very caring individual, and if you grew up in a volatile home like I did, you learned people pleasing behaviors to keep the peace. Mom has no rights to treat you as anything but respectfully as the adult you are. If she cannot control herself due to dementia I would practice grey rock and stay more than an arms length from her. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be terribly hard. ❤️
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