Follow
Share

She's been living with my sister and I every other month for the past 13 yrs. Although, she just started paying $500 a month the past 3 yrs. We do everything for her. Meds, food, bathing, doctor visits, laundry, etc. She can't be left alone, so it's 24 hour care. We feel she should be paying more. It was difficult to just get her to agree on the $500. How should we approach this? We have 2 other siblings that aren't able to care for her.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I have not planned for my old age, and not everyone ages the same :(

I do have a child I was planning to pawn off of, when I get to that age. but, perhaps, I better rethink that idea. Hopefully I won't get dementia or ALZ. I think I will try to write a will or living trust now before I lose all my marbles.

Does mom have signs of dementia or ALZ? Your other siblings are unable to care for her for some reason, physically, emotionally, or they live too far away. It is very hard to take care of mom, a lot of us on this forum are or were in that boat. If it is becoming too much, and you cannot do it anymore, please do not feel guilty about placing her in a facility close to you. She needs to be placed near you or your sister so you two can keep tabs on her and have pleasant visits.
For the time being.. ask the doctor if she can be evaluated for palliative care. This way the doctor or nurses can visit mom at her home, instead of you driving her to the doctors all the time. Think about it.
13 years, you, sister, and mom are very close. I can see how and why your moving mom into a facility at this time of her life would be worrisome.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Well my mom moved in with me April 2019 with a verbal agreement that she would leave in 3 to 6 months . I told her to give me $200 a month only & save the rest. She paid me May & June Of 2019 & has been living with me for free because she refuses to pay me anymore. She's evil she likes to argue she's 79 & I honestly need to seek help on getting her removed out my house
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The 500/month is a fair start but a discussion of future placement is needed to be discussed. This can bring up the cost from the outside care provider which then can be explained to her the pay that should also be given to you and your sister. For as long as she has the funds to pay, the caregivers who provides the services she needs be compensated in addition to her share of costs of groceries, utilities and house rent be included too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of the things I've tried to look at when making any decisions. Not that I've done this every time, because alot of times I've wanted to see things only from my own perspective. But when taking care of our loved ones, and all that goes with it, is never easy. That's why turning to the Lord will always lead us in making the very best choices for our loved ones. I had to examine my heart before the Lord many times in caring for my family members in the past. There were times when I got angry, impatient, frustrated, etc. and even mad at God for dumping the burden on me. He would allow these feelings I had I believe to only have them to be seen in the light of His heart. Taking care of those who may be hateful, ugly, stubborn, and so many other adjectives allowed the exposure of what lie deep within me, and helped me see the heart of the issue. I know this isn't a direct answer to the situation you're dealing with, but I hope it will encourage you in the steps you take. A care giver is special and I believe you are special to the Lord when He sees your love for Him being displayed to those placed in your path. Keep trusting and leaning on Him...He won't steer you wrong.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hi BarbBrooklyn, yes my mother is on Medicare, the BCBS is her secondary. Most plans do not cover her name brand medications. She is grandfathered into the Gold plan, once given up she will no longer be able to stay on the plan. Checked into some plans in the past, but seems like the best plan for my mom. Do not want to deal with copays etc.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Would love to know how many hours you guys are caring for her for $500 a month.

Sadly, people of her generation never learned how to adjust for inflation. You need a legal contract and to be paid at least minimum wage.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The martyr people on here are hysterical!! So funny!! Nothing in life is FREE!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Perhaps mother does not have the funds? I don't know. I did not take any $$ from my late mother because she was living on a SS poverty wage. But that is not everyone's situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother owns her house, I pay the house taxes and buy groceries and brother pays rent and helps with the groceries and pays for all yard work and snow removal. Mom's health insurance BCBS Gold is around $900 per month so not too much left at the end of the month except for essentials. Niece helps care for my mom, room and board and all expenses, vacations paid. We all work together. If your mom can afford it, I think it is reasonable to get paid more for her care perhaps $1000 per month to start. There are foster care programs around the US for caregivers to get paid a pretty decent amount per month. If she makes over $2000 per month she may qualify for the frail waiver program. Check out your state government site. There should be information on foster care program. Hope everything gets settled soon.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
BarbBrooklyn Jun 2020
Earlybird, is your mom on Medicare? Is the BCBS an advantage plan or Medicap?
(1)
Report
Holy cow. After reading so many 'martyr' comments here, I'm truly appalled at the 'advice' you are being given! Imagine coming to a forum such as this and expecting some GOOD answers instead of guilt trips, gospel quotes, and tongue clicking?

Add up the charges you feel are reasonable for the care you're giving to your mother and/or how much it would cost her to be in Assisted Living. Then take into account how you can't work due to the need to care for her 24/7, and what bills you have to pay (like the rest of us poor slobs living on planet earth), and decide what's fair & equitable. Then explain to your mother how you arrived at the monthly charges she owes you.

If she's disagreeable to paying you the required amount, start looking into Assisted Living Facilities in your area & see how she feels about shelling out $4-6 THOUSAND dollars per month to be cared for outside of your home.

In the real world, life's not free, for anyone. Mother should have planned for her old age, and that includes how she was going to finance it.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Show her the prevailing wage for all the services you provide.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Show her what it would cost her to hire two people to do all you and your sister do for her. Or, what it would cost her to move into a nursing home. Suggest that she pay you something closer to what pros charge. I’m sure other factors need to be considered such as future inheritance, how many heirs, what her resources are, whether you have other jobs, your other responsibilities, etc.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh wonderful! The martyrs are making their way to this post too! SMDH.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
FloridaDD Jun 2020
THIS.  I wonder if these "martyr" responses are from the siblings who do nothing, but still think another should care for their mom with no compensation.
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
Did your mom charge you $500 a month raising you to the age of say 18 or 21?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
worriedinCali Jun 2020
What I just posted in response to shena and you on another thread—

SMDH at you silly martyrs! Here’s a few reminders—your parents chose to have you. Your kids didn’t ask to be born. Many parents actually didn’t take care of their kids, didn’t provide a safe loving home but they sure as hell expect their children to wait on them hand & foot while treating them like dirt. AND......many child caregivers here have had to quit their jobs entirely or retire early in order to care for Selfish parents who refuse outside help and want to stay at home where they can pretend they are still independent. Why don’t those kids deserve to earn a living? Especially when they stopped contributing to SS and a retirement plan the moment they quit their job. Why doesn’t their livelihood matter?
There are plenty of other parents that now live with one of their adult kids. Why shouldn’t they pay their way? Contribute to the household? What entitles them to a free ride? Especially when said adult child is also caregiver, maid, therapist and punching bag?

I hope the fall off your high horse wasn’t too brutal!
(6)
Report
See 3 more replies
Is this money for you and your sibling or really to pay her expenses? She should directly be paying her own expenses! It's a lot of work to provide elder care but it should NOT be costing you ANYTHING.

Is she still handling her own finances? Is anyone joint on her checking account? Is she still competent? You say she can't be left alone so....?

How is her will structured? Is it an equal share between all children?

I can not advise on the nitty gritty of how to get paid for providing care without running into trouble like someone mentioned that this could be determined to be a gift if she ever needs gov't care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There’s not enough info here to comment. In my situation I have a number of siblings but I am the only one involved caring for both parents who are nearly 90. They live independently but need a fair bit of help with meals, meds, appts etc. They gift me $900 per month. In my country gifts from parents are tax free. My siblings know of the arrangement. In all honesty, any family where just one or two children step up to the plate to care for parents, there should be compensation. It keeps resentment at bay. If my parents were to hire outside care, they would have to pay $35 per hour. When my dad learned of this he wanted to give me more but I declined.
If I were an only child that would be a whole other scenario of course. Having multiple siblings who are not involved in the actual care changes things considerably. There was a time when I was criticized by one sibling for caring ‘too much’ when I was providing regular updates. I just don’t provide updates any longer and things are more peaceful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Carolsue Jun 2020
I agree with your thinking. The job ought to be devided among all children. But,it never is.with me it would depend on what my parent had.my mom will be 102 this Wednesday. The 500 would take most of her check.she gets 800.she couldn't do any better with her retirement. Only my dad worked and he didnt make enough to give them much of a retirement. She didnt drive. 6 kids.but to be honest I dont recall any of my friends moms who worked back then.Dad died in 93.mom I'm sure never dreamed shed live this long,but she has so I deal with it,with help from 2 of my kids and one sons girlfriend. Shes still at home. But if a parent can afford it they ought to pay the ones that help them and leave the ones who don't 0 in their will.just some thoughts I was thinking as I was reading all this.its a hard job regardless.
(2)
Report
I take care of my dad who has Dementia and is 84 yrs old. I have never thought of charging him for my services which includes the laundry, food, rides to the doctor, etc. My parents (mom deceased), have always been there for me, washed my clothes, bought my clothes, food, encouraged me, supported me, even through college and grad school. Without them I certainly could not have made it. They were ALWAYS by my side and loved me unconditionally. It is absurd for me to even think of charging. No, I didn't ask to be here, but since I came some 56 years ago, I was always well taken care of. I don't feel obligated to take care of my father, I consider it a pleasure. That's the least I could do. If I am the longest to live, I don't want to have any regrets.
Your mom's money should take care of her personal needs, items, clothing, food, meds, doctor visits, bills, etc. After all, didn't you volunteer to take her in? I'm reminded of gospel recording artist Pastor Shirley Ceasar's song: NO CHARGE, maybe tou ahoukd listen to it. It goes on to say..."When you add it all up the total cost of real love(parents/children's love) is NO CHARGE."
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
lealonnie1 Jun 2020
What's truly 'absurd' about your comment is that you obviously don't see the OP cannot work b/c her parent requires 24/7 care. Who pays YOUR bills since it's so unthinkable for you to be charging your father for his care based on a 'gospel song'? Obviously you can't work or bring in an income......so.....is your life free of charge, your food, your home, your heat & electric?
Ridiculous to hit 'post' without taking reality into consideration.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
First of all, what is her financial situation and what is she planning on doing with her money? And what is YOUR financial situation, and your sister? Are you both willing and able to be. 24 caretakers? What impact is it having on you? Consider placing her where she is cared for. Also gather full facts what it would cost if she had a full time caretaker. When you have all the facts, you will see better what your options are. If the money is there, whoever takes care of her s should most definitely receive a great deal more money. Sit down with the family so you are all on the same page and discuss this - but something must be done now. Before YOU are destroyed.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Explain it the same way she explained it to you and your sister when you were small she did everything that you were saying and yeah you think she didn't want out sometimes I'm sorry I know that's not the answer you were looking for but just think about it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
disgustedtoo Jun 2020
"...you think she didn't want out sometimes..." Sounds like someone didn't have a very happy childhood. I raised my 2 kids pretty much on my own from ages 3 and 6, and NEVER EVER EVER did I want "out".

I have also told them that should I be so unfortunate as to follow my mother down that yellow brick road, I don't want them to feel they have to care for me or even visit if it is difficult for them. Not everyone is cut out to care for an elder with dementia, and depending on when it hits, they may need to be working to ensure their own future (savings and SS), plus as we age it becomes difficult to provide care, part time or full time. I can't support my mother's weight and my house is not handicap accessible (ingress/egress and bathrooms are too small to modify), so the best I could do was take over her finances to preserve what she had and then educate myself about dementia, then start seeking a decent place for her. We tried hiring aides and although initially it was only 1 hr/day, it didn't last 2 months - she refused to let them in! The only other real option was a facility. She is close enough now for me to visit regularly (until lock down) and I manage everything else for her. IT is the best I could do to ensure she is safe and cared for.
(1)
Report
I don't know how you would approach her, I would take the advice of others.

I take care of my 94 year old Mom and I don't get paid anything first because my Mom can't afford it (she made bad decisions late in her life), secondly I really love taking care of my Mom. I will always look back of these years with my Mom and be at peace within myself for doing the right thing.

After I sold my Mom's house she bought another house (I picked it out, did all the financials and it is the house we live in) and when my Mom passes I will inherit this house and to me that's enough "material" reward. No amount of money could give me the inner peace that I have now (maybe some will understand this, others will not).

That said, your question begs why 13 years later are you asking this? And were you happy with the $500 a month for the past 3 years? What changed now?

Jenna
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
DonnaF777 Jun 2020
Jenna.... well... maybe you have a "nice mom"... I did not. My mother died when she was 59. Sounds like you and your mom were on "good terms" and she listened to you and both of you were not abusive to each other. This is not the way it is in many cases. My mother was abusive to 3 of her 4 children. The reason she was NOT abusive..(but very much enabling to our younger brother was because, it looks like anyway) she had had an affair and he was the result of that affair. That is all we can figure out. Now...there are many dementia patients that I have taken care of while working for home health and many are just plain abusive to everyone including their children. Just had one of my dementia patients die and she could not see how everyone was putting their lives on hold for ALL her needs which were everything. She could do nothing for herself. She needed 24 hour care. Every time she needed something she would tell me that I was to call her daughter and "TL will get this today after she gets off work and bring it to me" and she expected this. She would get angry when TL did not do what she said. TL has her own family of kids, grand kids plus husband and full time job. This patient also had a dog (which I now have) that she expected EVERYONE to cater to...daughter and myself bathed this dog during quarantine, and this dog "his health issues" and again, this patient was doing nothing for this dog except causing it to get sick therefore the daughter and everyone else had to deal with! People are giving up their income from their jobs to take care of mom/dad... whoever... and should they not be compensated for this so they can pay their bills? I know it sounds horrible.... but...if mom/dad, etc. can afford it... yes they should be compensating them just as if they were paying someone to come in from home health care... an agency to come in a take care of them. I am 67. If I ever get to the point that I cannot take care of myself, I have let my daughter know that when I get to the point if I am belligerent...unreasonable...demanding...being mean to you, ABUSIVE....I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW... YOU ARE NOT TO TAKE CARE OF ME. You are NOT to have to deal with me. I am out of my mind... and dementia patients don't care about anyone else. This is the way they are. You cannot reason with them. You can ONLY do so much but NOT everything a great majority of these people need and THEY NEED A LOT DONE FOR THEM. THEY DEMAND A LOT FROM EVERYONE WHILE NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING FOR THEMSELVES. Put me into a facility if and when I act that way.
(5)
Report
Sounds like greed to me. Did you pay her for all the stuff she bought you as a child? Did you pay her rent? Have you ever borrowed money from her and never paid it back. Think about it she’s your mom, when she’s gone you will wish she were around again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Maryjann Jun 2020
You don't know the situation of the OP. Maybe she is really struggling and is growing resentful. For all any of us know, Mom was distant and tightfisted even then. Please give posters the benefit of the doubt.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Keep in mind that $500 dollars sounds like a lot of money to a 90 year old.
Keep it legal! Get everything in writing!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Elder Law Attorney is needed right away. Everything should be drawn up legally for your state. That way if she ever needs Medicaid, it will be the correct amount on look back, not just money given as gift, which would cause problems.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I've commented on something similar before. This is my take on it.
We love our parents, but caring is a very hard all consuming thing. Unless you get paid you can feel resentful and the whole thing can fall apart,which is no good for anyone.
When my husband and I moved in we said we wouldn't take a penny. But most nights my mum keeps us up all night, calling my name and saying she needs a wee(she has a catheter) and Dad wanders and is very hard work. So we gradually thought.. We need to be paid for this.. When I approached one of my siblings who is joint lpa he agreed with what I asked for immediately. I've 4 siblings and no one else would do it.
So at least now, when I'm tired and they've been hard work, I can say Never mind. You're paid for it so get in with it.
It's the hardest job in the world but it can be so rewarding.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You'll be happy when she is gone and you know you took care of her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You approach it by treating her as a grown-up and showing her the numbers.

She either is in full command of her faculties and able to understand that food costs x, utilities and gas cost y, and home support services cost z; or she isn't - in which case she shouldn't be handling her own finances anyway.

When she cut up rough before, when you were discussing the $500 with her three years ago, how did you arrive at that number in the end?

It is an awkward conversation, but facts is facts and numbers don't lie. "Here's the bill, mother. Sorry, but nothing in life is free!"
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am a paid independence caregiver.
I work 30 hours a week caribg for a senior.
I reveive 3,500.00 a month.
Enough said.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Learning5 Jun 2020
Helpful information.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Research how much home health care aides get compensated for their time. Use that as your guide.

Question: Why is this coming up as a concern now? Spend time talking with your sister about the reasons for increased compensation as an issue at this time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Let's set aside "paying" you for her care. As a member of the household she should pay you a portion of the cost of running that household. If there are 3 adults then the cost of mortgage, insurance, utilities, food should be divided in 1/3. Then on top of that she should be paying for her own medications, clothing and any other personal expenses.
And if any modification to the house have had to be made she should pay for those as well.
Now to paying you. $500 a month is not nearly enough.
If she will not agree to increase that then start charging her for the above things I mentioned. This would increase your 500 by quite a bit.
And it sounds like she is able to make her own decisions so if she will not agree to this then you and your sister need to put up a united front and start looking for Assisted Living for her. Maybe once she realizes you are serious she might think better about increasing what she pays you
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
disgustedtoo Jun 2020
I don't agree with requiring someone to pay 1/3 of ALL expenses ("the cost of mortgage, insurance, utilities, food should be divided in 1/3.") Reasonable increase in expenses should be covered.

Increase in utilities could have been calculated by comparing to past expenses, but it being 13 years, there would be regular increases over time. However, since they are taking care of her every other month, then compare the month without her to the one with her, over a few months' time, and average it out (if possible, use old bills, esp for differences during winter and A/C times, although the increase in heat and A/C would not likely be impacted much by one additional person living in the home.) That would cover utilities and it isn't likely 1/3. Food is a little more difficult to calculate, but anything that only she eats/drinks should be purchased separately and she pays for it, along with other needs (meds, medical insurance, toiletries, incontinence products, etc.) A similar average could be done over a few months' time to figure out how much more is spent when she is living with you. Some gas money would be good to figure in as well, if you have to transport her to doctor, hospital, PT, etc., but keep it sensible and within IRS rules.

I mainly have a problem with expecting mom to cover 1/3 the cost of the mtg and house insurance. THOSE amounts will not change whether she lives there or not, and in the end YOU own it, not her. IF the housing is rental, then perhaps a portion of that could be charged to mom, but if they had the room anyway, it would be more like the mtg issue - you were paying it anyway. IF you moved to a larger unit to accommodate mom, then it would be reasonable to charge the difference in cost to mom.

Care is a whole different issue and should be calculated carefully and properly documented (caregiving agreement drawn up legally) to avoid issues with IRS gifting, Medicaid and any tax implications.
(0)
Report
I would highly suggest you hire a sitter to help care for your mom. I have used Concierage Home Health. She will only become more needy. Let mom pay for her own meds and other needs including sitters. My sister takes care of mom's bills and banking. My mom and aunt live in their own homes but both have sitters. Family is in and out everyday. I just registered my mom with Visiting Physicians of Jacksonville and I am so relieved. All services including visits, lab draws, basic xray, ultrasound and ekgs are done where she lives! Home delivery for meds. My mom and aunt do not pay me for my time, gas or anything else. We have to tend our elderly without giving up our entire lives.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Bshandy Jun 2020
Wow, I wish we had that in Virginia!
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter