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Ask his MD to write an order for an occupational therapist (OT) who can come to the house and show him how to safely get in and out of the tub. You may have to add grab bars and a shower chair for his safety.
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We had this problem with my father. If left up to him, he would have never bathed. So once or twice a week, he was told that he was going to bathe. I would warm the house and set a towel on one of the vents so it would be warm. Then my mother would turn the water on in the walk-in shower so that it would be ready for him to step in. There was a shower seat inside, so she would help him in and then sit in the bathroom until he was finished. He always felt better after his bath, so the feeling was rewarding to him, I know.

It is important for men to keep clean and a wipe bath is not really the best option. The skin of their private areas can get raw and sore if not kept clean, particularly if they wear protective undergarments. If they don't want to bathe, it is best to let them know there is no option. They are going to bathe. Then make it as pleasant as possible and let them has as much privacy as their condition will allow.
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My family had this problem with my father. For a period of time, we could only get Dad to shower if he was getting ready for church. My Dad never showered in the morning, so two or three times a week we would tell Dad that church was the next day. Most of the time that would work for getting him to shower. Is there and activity your husband participates in that he will always (or almost always) shower for. Could you tell him that it is time to shower for the activity?
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This was my FIL--who had bowel incontinence issues during the last year of his life. We DID get in home nursing care, but found they were just kids, really, and weren't actually making sure he bathed. Never a fastidiously clean man to begin with, as he aged and was very sick, he just gave it up entirely. Then he smelled to high heaven! My hubby would NOT interfere, said he respected his dignity too much. I had to get so tough--say "Dad, if you don't get in that shower and scrub yourself head to foot, I will get in with you". He finally took me at my word and did make better attempts at cleaning himself. Had no dementia, was just tired. That tactic always worked, also he tried to tell me he HAD just showered, but I would go check the shower and it would be bone dry. I hated being the "bad guy", but he smelled so bad--and fecal matter left on skin can cause all kinds of irritations and other issues. I wasn't being "mean", I was caring for him. He also had packs and packs of "sponge bath" towelettes--actually they were really large and could be warmed in the microwave to be really warm and more gentle to sponge bathe with. He looked upon those as "diaper wipes" and wouldn't use them. Once in a while he'd be in the hospital for a few days and THEY could get him in a shower, no problem, every single day. Also, I washed his clothes and bleached everything that could be bleached and double washed all his pants with Borax to get the smell out. It was a rough year..for sure. Not sure I handled it well, but did the best I could.
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Address safety and comfort concerns. Depending on your environment...up here in the cold north it's important to make sure the room is warm, there are plenty of towels to wrap up with afterwards, put a heater in the room ahead of time; run the water in advance to make sure it's warm; have a safe spot to sit; use a shower hose to avoid spraying the face but also shower hoses let parts of the body get really cold, so be careful about that. In other words, do everything you can to make it a comfortable environment. Then insist. Promise something nice afterwards like a favorite snack.
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You don't share many details. Here are a couple suggestions that may or may not help. Try showering with him...to coax him in, help him bathe, if needed. Use bathing items he likes: favorite brands/smells/colors.
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You do not describe any medical issues, so it is really difficult to answer. If your husband has dementia, running water from a shower has been shown to equate to fire burning dementia patients (according to ASU research). So switch for sponge baths or hire someone to help with his shower. I just tell mine it is shower day, he smells, and he usually says he showered yesterday, but I tell him so he didn't. Don't sweat the small stuff...
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Yes showers are most dificult to get done without a Brattleboro! My mom is 92 and has severe dementia! She can be stubborn to say the least! I can not ask mom if she would do anything, l tell her we have to shower! If she gets difficult l keep trying at different times during the day! If not then, we use the tolit an l wash her while were in bathroom! It takes more time but we get the job done! Same way with every thing else! She will hit me an l stay clear of her for awhile! Then try again! She is depressed an delusional. Lots of issues, she takes Zoloft, an doxepin at night! Not sure any of that works any more! Sometimes there are just not any answers! I do the best l can! I'm 72 an maybe this is the problem, l can only do so much, an don't get all excited any more! I have been living in her home for 2yrs now, an l think l am ready to go home! 4 siblings an no one will take care of her or help!
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Men and women who have dementia do NOT care about appearances because they do not know they should be groomed. The same goes for matches for colors/prints in clothing. Do not sweat the small stuff! They are dealing with enough confusion...
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Hope72,
I feel you and my prayers are with you. My mother has been diagnosed with alzheimer/dementia, and she also is very stubborn. I wish my mom would let me help her bath, she refuses to bathe at all, the smell is aweful most times, I try to get the sheets out daily and all the other pee pee clothes, daily, along with empting her toilet. My 84 year old mom had a stroke 12 years ago and I think she is afraid to get into bath and when she does she uses her walker, which is very dangerous, I have no control, its over whelming. I've been living with her for 5 years.
Hope72 sorry to say but I think your loved one needs to be in a nursing home just like my mom. Its time for you Hope72 to relax and smell the flowers
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