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I have an 89 year old father with Parkinson's. I think he is almost to or near end of middle stage. He drives, can hardly walk. Dr. says ok to drive...DMV just gave him a eye test. He can't hear. I had fitted hearing aids made, he told me he does not sound like that. He has not heard his voice for 20 years per Dr., he now refuses to wear them. I can't talk with him because he can't hear me and I am done after 3 tries. Gets very mad at me when I suggest things to protect him as well as others. Lives in his own home, won't move here with me, actually it would be impossible for me to care for him now. He gives away things in his home to anyone who comes there. I am so stressed out I can't live a normal life. HELP
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First, arrange for a local taxi service. Open an account with them. Can he use a phone with a device that amplifies? Or hire a "driver". Second, once that's in place, disable or remove the car. "It's in the shop, dad". Call the local police if you can't/won't do the above. Is he eating properly? Who is doing his housekeeping?

You may need a plan to make small inroads. If Laundry isn't getting done, hire a "laundress". Meal prep? "Hire a " cook". Most elders find those task specific labels easier to cope with than "caregiver".
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You apparently read my lenghtly post. Her town may not have taxi services. Mine doesn't. Your answers are all well and good, however if one doesn't have the money to pay for all of this "hired" help, it can get real tough. A lot of people apparently have tons of money and are very quick to judge, so please don't be too sensitive to their responses, because they can sting.
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as someone said earlier, if the driving gets taken away it has to be replaced with something else - you have to provide the alternative. you literally don't have to drive them, but offer solutions to the transportation problem. check with the department of aging in your area and get advice there about what is available in your area. some hospitals offer free transportation to doctor appts. there are also companion services - Seniors Helping Seniors, for example - they can take your mom on errands, to doctor appts and provide companionship. without the car expenses there will be some $ available to pay for these services. your mom is going to have to accept help eventually with her illness and you step dad's. this would be a good way to start, and it wouldn't be you doing the helping which she seems to reject. ultimately your parents may need to move to assisted living where all of this help will be provided, but that would be a huge step. start first with the companion - let your mom learn how to accept help. dont forget - she's sick herself and a caregiver - she must be under a lot of stress. she probably has a lot of fear about not driving - how will she manage? the best thing you could do is find the answers for her.
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He has someone to come in every two week to clean. I have mentioned to him about the taxi and he tells me he does not need one..He goes out to eat his meals. I told him taxi can take and bring him home. He is very nasty to me, strict military man, does not like a woman to tell him what to do. Every suggestion I give he will not do..
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My mom was hot/cold when it came to me, also. Growing up she cared more about what other people thought of her, than of doing the best thing for our family.

Anyway, you did do the right thing, and I have no argument how you did it. I know how it is. To end this situation, let your mother know it is over, you will no longer deal with the situation of the driving. She isn't driving anymore, and that is that. I guess you are not POA. If she makes it more difficult for you, you indeed may have to bow out. Let her come crawling to you.
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willies, I read you have $1400 a month. Down south we can live fine on that amount if we're careful. No mansions or Mercedes, but it is enough to pay the bills and buy groceries. When you move you can check to see if there are any safe senior communities for yourself that have subsidized housing. It makes the $1400 stretch a lot further. Many seniors live on that amount each month. It would be nice if you could find something to bring in an extra $200-300 a month to make it easier.

I hope you and your mother can stay on good-enough terms. It sounds like a situation where no one did anything really wrong, but you're butting heads. If you think your mother needs to stop driving, discuss it with her doctor. I understand why your mother doesn't want to stop. She has built up so much responsibility for herself that she feels she needs to tend. It would be kind of nice if they would sell some of that responsibility or delegate it to other people. They are too old to be trying to manage all the properties themselves. It sounds like a mess. It would be nice if they had let you come in as an aid to them, but it doesn't sound like they want to hand over the reins yet. Do your siblings have any feelings about what they need to do?
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Williesmom, I was responding to adelisa. But wait. Your parents work and own real estate. They HAVE resources. They pay someone well to drive them and pay bills now. They need to spend their money on themselves and their care.
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Let me answer some of your questions. I moved to Idaho from Winston Salem, NC. I plan on returning there. The plan "was" to live here, be of help to my mother, then when she passed, I'd return to NC. Well, we all know what happens to "best laid plans". My income is $1,700.00 per month, and as of April 1st it will go to $1,850.00 per month. I do not own a car. I have a credit card debt of $1,500.00. This is the only credit card I have. I have NO SAVINGS. I just left two months ago a 11 year horrible marriage with no money, other than what I could scrape to move me and pay firsts month rent and deposit to my mother. I am 64, and am retired. I have extreme Carpal Tunnel in both of my hands. For about 44 years I have worked in offices, and when computers came into being I spent 8 hours a day on the computer. Took a toll on my hands. I DO NOT have medical insurance now, and will not have medical insurance until April. I, in the past had my left hand operated on, but this operation DID NOT take. I will try and see if I can have surgery on both hands once I have insurance. In no way could I do any computer work again for 8 hours a day. I would only be good for about 2-1/2 hours a day of work on the computer. My hands would fall off otherwise. I also have had back surgery, so I'm not able to do any kind of a job where I had to stand on my feet for more than about 4 hours a day. Ok, so now you know my situation. ba8alou, I hear you as far as my mother and step dad needfing to spend their money on themselves and their care..........that would be like pulling teeth to get them to do that. I have now made the decision to leave here hopefully by May 1st, go back to Winston Salem, NEVER TO RETURN OR TO HAVE CONTACT WITH THEM AGAIN. I'm done, it's over. I had good intentions coming here, and they don't want any help from me whatsoever !! So, they got it !!
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$1700 income sounds better than the $1400. Many seniors live on this much a month. No problems, especially after Medicare starts. You can also get subsidized health insurance through the marketplace to cover you until Medicare starts.
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I do have to ask why you presented your situation as being in dire financial straits. You are financially more comfortable than many of us here.
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Better to live poor in North Carolina and be free than to be chained to an inheritance and a cheap place to live in Idaho
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willieisawestie, I also think that you should not count on your inheritance because what with your mother and stepfather's health problems and your mother's character you should probably prepare for the worse. I have a difficult mother and I totally understand what happened with the DMV story. I think your priority should be to be financially independent from your mother, because as long as she wields some power over you, she will use it. It takes two to build a relationship, you did your part, but you can't do everything on your own. Writing to the DMV was your duty, and your mother cannot use this as an excuse to break her relationship with you. If she does it only shows that she does not want to have a relationship with you in the first place. My own mother is emotionally distant but she also uses emotions to attack us - you cannot hurt people unless they are close - I don't know if your mother is like this. Sometimes distance is the best solution. Sometimes it is possible to maintain some connections but you have to be aware that a heart-to-heart conversation will never happen. No matter what you do do not feel guilty.
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Went through this last year. Not sure what we would have done if the car Ma had not gotten to an irreparable state; she'd still be trying to drive it, I'm sure! Living under the same roof while waiting on HUD has been so hard for years! (widowed, on disability before that due to crushed back) She still talks of driving. I take her here & there but that's "not enough." Arghh! :'(

Feel for you, but we can't let people keep driving until they kill someone, either.

Life's hard ... sometimes very sad ... and sometimes we feel a responsibility to see that something happens (as in not driving), yet have so little authority to direct such things. :(
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Willie, I think you are wise to move back home, limit contact and let the chips fall where they may. You are to be commended for good intentions.

The more I read on this site, the more I see a pattern of children with dysfunctional parents who assume what the "right thing" is to do. I didn't have perfect parents or a perfect childhood, but I never in a million years thought that it was Mt duty to care for my parents in their old age. They made provisions for themselves and we merely help execute the plan. And let me tell, that's plenty of work. But no guilt, no holding things over people and certainly no inheritence. I have no idea what is in my mom's will and I don't care. If it goes to grandchildren, that's lovely. But in reality, it will almost certainly all be spent on her care, which is the way it should be.
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Well, when it comes to being a real estate Agent one can work for as long as they like. Every year or every two year one needs to take State testing to keep the real estate license active. The Assistant better be paid pretty well since she is doing all the leg work and writing up the Contracts and Addendums with your Step-Dad's help. Wonder if she is also doing all the property management. That type of work is a thankless job.

As for owning a couple dozen homes. That doesn't mean squat, unless all those homes are outstanding properties with high rents, and low mortgage payments, and bought decades ago. I was an investor 20 some years ago, had rental properties. After awhile it was too overwhelming, so I sold the properties, and was lucky to just break even on some of them because of the high/low cycles of the real estate market.
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Mom is subsidizing your rent and you are concerned about being disinherited. I agree with Pam, you need to offer her transportation in return.
Mom is a danger so you did the right thing in reporting to the DMV.
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Ok, folks let me answer another few questions you all have. First of all this $1,700.00 that I will be getting DOESN'T start until Oct 15th. Up to this time I've received $1,100.00 per month. So, no folks I'm not living high on the hog here. Again, let me say that I have no savings at all.

Secondly, from the very first day I arrived here (July 20th) I have told my mother I would be happy to: Clean her home weekly for her, do all of the driving for her, mow all of her lawns (including any rentals that she is in charge of mowing, which I do do.), do her laundry, and if she wanted I'd even come ovedaily and cook one meal each day for them. WEEEEELLL, I was told by my mother in a very sarcastic, nasty, mean tone that my help was not needed except for the mowing, that she could take care of herself and her husband just fine and she didn't need my help. Well, so be it...............no help will ever be offered again.
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I too never got along with my mom since 12 yrs old. But it was my Dad who needed to stop driving. He had a fairly new car but I would see scrapes, dents, etc. and knew there was a problem. He crashed the front end, I saw it in the car in garage yet he took it and got it fixed. He had a bump on his head, what the
h---? He HAD to stop. He wouldn't listen at all. So I simply took his keys from where he left them. He got angry at me but it broke the ice. It took a few weeks but I made driving sound like a huge chore to him, like it was a big bother. Then swooped in with "So where can I take you today?" Or "Where do you want to go?" "Let's go grocery shopping, what do you want to eat?" Never gave him time to think about driving, it's like I anticipated his next desire to drive and was in the driver's seat before he could say where's the keys. With God's help he backed off and it worked. And it'd be so much better if Mom wasn't landlord. It might be cheaper but it would keep you in control and keep things in perspective for you.
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willieisawestie, I really feel for your situation. I know what it's like to be stuck somewhere due to financial reasons. It is easy for others to say "just move"...It takes MONEY to move. Truly hope things work out to the good for you. I care.
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I think it's terrible that you're in this situation. Like you said, you'd think your Mom would be nicer to you because you're her only child. I think some of these comments are quite unfair to you. I also think once a senior's driving has been brought to the DMVs attention, they will probably keep after her. I think you were brave to report it knowing the consequences if she found out. I don't know why that person you mentioned that's close to her didn't report her, they should. You're really in a tough spot and from what I've seen, people don't change, only maybe to get worse. Some of these commenters are quite harsh on you, when you just wanted a bit of help dealing with someone who is already treating you harshly. You tried your best and that's all anyone can do.
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willieisawestie
i am a SW for protective services. Please rest asure that you did the right thing by contacting DMV but the wrong thing when you rescended your letter. As others have stated, own up to what you did and why you did it. I've assisted family members in situations like yours. There is no "easy" solution. Moving out of state isn't really fair to others that will be affected by her driving. Also, you leave the burden on the state to make decisions for her due to her dementia.
take a deep breath and contact your state's office of public guardian or Adult Protective Services and inquire what you need to do to protect and help your mother! Remember, it's easier to help now then to live with the guilt of her hurting an innocent bystander or herself.
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I hope this will help a bit, but I think there is a lot more to this than I am able to help with. Sounds like you both need a little TLC. Your mom is suffering from what you say is the beginning of Alzheimer's/Dementia -- that alone is tough to deal with. I bet your mom (even though she wouldn't admit it) is feeling overwhelmed/stressed with her blind husband and when someone has their own health problems (sometimes in denial). Maybe you could find someone to help with running errands/taking care of her husband's needs -- you can call your local Agency on Aging to find some resources. Also, take care of yourself, because if this is too much for you, you as a caregiver can find help as well. I know you love her and want what's best, but sometimes the care is more accepted from a stranger than a loved one (sounds weird, but works sometimes - who knows why). If you can get a little extra help for both of you, things may be less strained between you, and you may even find you can talk without becoming frustrated. My mom had dementia, and before I knew what was going on, (she would get agitated and made at me - like a different person), but that seems to be part of the illness. Maybe you could even ask her doc if he knows of anything health-wise that could help. Good luck with all of this and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
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willieisawestie, I went through similar issues with my mom. We didn't send a letter to DMV (I didn't know you could do that) but we did talk to her about her diminished driving skills. It was met with lots of anger - it does take away their independence. Her health & mental statue continued to decline, that was a few years ago. It was not easy then and still is not. She still gets angry and hostile at other things other than the inability to drive. You need to do what feels best for yourself and take care of yourself first. And if she lets you do your best to make sure she is safe.
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willieisawestie, what happened when you were 12 years old for your mother to turn against you. Did she rent you a decent house or one in too poor a state to be rentable to someone else. Your mother and step dad have plenty of assets to take care of themselves so don't worry about having to help them,they can manage just fine especially with the help of the secretary. that relationship is far too cozy for my liking. An independent lawyer or similar should be managing their financial affairs who knows what the secretary is doing with the money.
I absolutely agree that you should leave and this may be very difficult but sell everything except the two suitcases that you can carry. Buy a bus ticket and go home. Do not tell you mother or the secretary what your plans are. Prepare to leave at the end of a month when the rent is due. Leave a chang of address for contact with the utility companies for the final bill and notify them when you are leaving. Do this at the last minute.As you leave town mail a letter to your mother telling her what you have done and include the house key and forwarding address which can be your daughter. Tell mother she can keep the security deposit in leiu of the months rental notice. When you arrive at your new place go to a cheap motel that offers cheap weekly rates and hopefully cooking facilities. next day head for social services and ask for temporary housing. All you need there will be a few pans and dishes and an air bed and sleeping bag. You can get the rest cheaply thrift stores and garage sales. get food from the food bank and emergency food stamps. if you can clean houses and mow for your mother you can do the same for other people. You don't have to work an eight hour day but it should be enough to pay the rent. is there anyone in your home town who would rent you a room temporarily? Can you stay with your daughter?
You are a strong woman. you already got out of a bad divorce so you can do this. It will mean sacrifices but you are no stranger to that.
I realize you are 64 and in poor health but I know plenty of students who have rented fom others and just have a backpack and a bed roll and blow the matress up at night. I know one person on here who lost everything and pulled herself up by her boot straps found an abandoned camper and is living in it on a camp site.
lots of people have lost everything and turned themselves around. it is hard but it is only stuff. you are more important than that.
I agree you did the right thing going to DMV but it was wrong not to own up to it.
Forget about the inheritance, you probably won't get it anyway. the secretary is hinting at that so you stick around and take care of the old people so she does not get stuck with it in order to keep her inheritance. Have you seen the Will? You may not even be in it. You are responsible for yourself so follow your instincts.
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willieisawestie, it will be interesting to see what happens in December once the personal assistant for your Dad retires, and who is also the Executor of your Mom's Will [that in itself sounds strange, why not have the attorney who drew up the Will be the Executor?]. Who is going to take her place at the office since it sounds like the office will continue to stay opened? Who is going to write up the real estate listing agreements, contracts, and rental leases? Who is going to drive clients to see properties? Hopefully not your mother, that would literally drive clients away.

As for staying to be with your Mom until she passes, if she is still driving she still has a long ways to go..... my boss's wife had Alzheimer's.... for 14 years.
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Need to follow this question. Am also only child and can relate to these postings. Will write more later. Thanks!
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I am also an "only" child with a mother that can
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I am also an "only" child with a mother that can turn on you in an instant. Once she has made a decision about you, nothing else matters (and she could never be wrong)!. She is 91 and I am 58. When my father started to have problems with dementia, I was the one to make the decisions and handle things. She has always had to have someone she could lash out at. It was my Dad until he was failing, and (yes I saw it coming) then it moved to me. My Dad died almost 4 years ago. She has always been very proud of how independent she was - so as her vision declined, her hearing declined, her ability to handle things and make decisions declined, more has fallen to me along with the anger and frustration she is feeling. After 2 wrecks in 15 months, she totaled her car. The police couldn't say whether she or the 88 year old that hit her was to blame. I wouldn't help her get another car. She really knew she shouldn't be driving but it was an end to her independence. I tried to get her to allow help to come to the house - wouldn't hear of it. This past winter she fell and fractured an arm. That necessitated her going into assisted living. God has a way of taking care of things. I have had to put on my Big Girl Pants a lot over the past 6 years. I just have to move beyond the normal reaction I've had all my life and decide to handle things like an adult. I'm now in charge and will do whatever I need to for her but it is a very diffrent situation from someone that is handling the same situation with a parent that was easier to be with all your life. I still never quite know what may happen when I have her on my own (such as doctors appointments - she never went to one before) and that causes me a lot of stress. But I know I am doing the best I can. All I can advise you to do is what I do - pray every day for patience, strength, knowledge, and wisdom. This is our 3rd parent to have some form of dementia. We ahve learned you can't "fix it". I hope my son has paid attention because there are pretty good odds that both my husband and I will also have it.
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I'm the original poster. Here is an update. I did call the DMV in Boise and withdrew the request. My mother called them and asked them to send her a copy of the letter I wrote to them. I have to tell you that if I didn't do that then she would have kicked me out of this house that I'm renting from her. She has not spoken to me in three weeks. She will not either. I would have to be the one to go to her and suck up. It has been this way since I was 12. What happened( to answer ones question) is that I was a latch key kid all of my growing up years. I never had a babysitter I could come and go, do anything I wanted as long as my mother knew where I was. Then when I turned 12, all hell broke loose, for lack of a better word. She pulled in the reins on me, I wasn't to go here/there, I couldn't do this/that, all because I realized there were boys! I rebelled in the worst way. We have fought ever since. Add to that, my mother is a member of a cult religion. Don't get me started on that. Anyway, I am sticking to my guns about moving away. I want to do this smart. I have one credit card that has a balance of 1,500.00 on it. I need to pay that off first before I can leave. I will have this paid off by December. I will then need to save approx. another 2,000.00 before I can leave. I will then hopefully in May have enough to move all of my belongings in a U-Haul back to Winston Salem, and also have enough money then to find myself an apartment for no more than $600.00 per month, and hopefully it won't be in the slums. So, I will need first months rent, deposit, and last months rent. I have no choice but to tell my step-dad at that time that I am moving, as I live across the street from them and they would see the moving truck here. Trust me, I would rather not say anything to them at all and move away, and let them wonder what happened to me, but I can't do that. I will not ever return here, nor will I ever have any more contact with these people. THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE ON MY PART, SO I JUST NEED TO MOVE ON.
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