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This is long, and I'm very stressed out, so please bear with me. I am an only child, and my mother and I haven't been able to get along since I was about 12 years old. I'm 64 now. So much so, that I moved away from my home town when I was 19 and haven't lived here since. I just recently divorced and in July I moved back home, and I have moved into a rental house my mother owns just across the street from where she lives. She has given me a reduced rental rate.

Ok, here is the current problem. My mother is suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. She becomes confused, frustrated, she is very forgetful, very angry, no memory to speak of. She has always been a mean, hateful, revengeful, vindictive, controlling, and bossy person; especially to me. I get the full bore of her. My mother has no business driving whatsoever !!!! She is going to kill herself or someone else !!!! This being able to drive thing is a very big deal to her. Her husband (not my father) is totally blind, and he doesn't help the issue because I'm sure he wants her to continue to drive as she is also his taxi.

I have become sooooo concerned about her driving that I attempted several times to talk to her about this to no avail. She becomes soooooo angry and mean to me that it is useless talking to her about this. So I wrote a letter to our state DMV office complaining about this. I spoke with my daughter before I wrote the letter asking her if I could sign her name to this letter, as the ramifications would be less if I didn't sign my name to this letter. She received this letter abour 1-1/2 weeks ago, and saying "something" hit the fan is an extreme understatement. The letter told her she needed to take a physical driving test, a written test and a vision test at her local DMV, she also has to go see a dr, and get a physical report from her dr, and she must go to a vision center and have her eyes examined and submit this report to the DMV as well by October 28th. If she fails any of these tests or doesn't comply she will lose her driving privleges. My mother has accused me of either writing the letter and signing it OR writing the letter and having someone else sign it. She went so far as to (only in this small town) drive herself down to the police station and she talked them into calling the DMV and asking them who signed the letter. She couldn't do that as she can't see the buttons well enough on the phone to call herself. So the DMV did tell the police that my daughter signed this letter. My mother went ballistic. I have denied everything so far. Now, I find out that she has written a letter to the DMV requesting they send her a copy of the letter thart was written to them because she thinks she can recognize my handwriting. When I found that out from a support person who talks to my mother and step dad I just about lost it. I went into a complete meltdown because I knew then that I was busted and she would never forgive me for this. See my mother wouldn't see that I did this out of love and concern for her, oh no, she would see it as I was causing massive problems for her. So, while sobbing I called the DMV office and asked if there was any way they could not send her a copy of the letter I sent and I was told no, they would have to send it to her. I was then told that I could email them a note saying I was withdrawing the request for her to be re-evaluated, they then would shred any and all paperwork pertaining to her case. They would then send her a letter stating that the person who basically turned her in had withdrew their request. I told them to do this. My mother is sooooooooo angry at me that she INDEED may disown/disinherit me. The person I lean on for support who knows my mother well has stated that yes, this indeed may happen. My mom will never know who wrote this letter to the DMV, but she will have her suspisions. What/where do I go from here. Honestly I don't ever want to go to her home again. I know I should't feel this way. How do I deal with her accusations, her anger, her hate, her revenge. She could honestly attempt to have me evicted as well. If she disowns me, and I can find out by going to the courthouse and looking at the public records, do I move away, never to step foot here again, or speak to her again. This is soooooo difficult for me. I love my mother, but the love I feel for her comes from the memories I have as a very young girl. I had the best young childhood up until I was abourt 12, then everything went down the toilet and since then we don't get along at all. What do I do from here? I'm told that this will only get worse, how do people handle these kinds of issues. She told me she doesn't want my help, and all I'm trying to do is take over her life. I AM NOT trying to take over her life. I just thought by being here, close by I could help her, but apparently she doesn't want my help. WHAT DO I DO ??? Thanks for reading !

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My parents' doctor told us daughters, when it was time for dad to stop driving, and he refused, to put it in his hands (the dr.) and he would make the decision come from him, not the family. We felt this was a very good way of handling a very troublesome issue. We hate to take away the independence of my father, but to have something happen to him or others, is a travesty.
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Move away and tell her to kiss your a**.
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And also, as things get progressively worse, we found that it doesn't matter if it becomes a case of you (the younger) being a victim of "senior abuse" (by the older-than-you-srs!), HUD doesn't move any faster ... you just sit & wait for them on their "list." :'( Going crazy here, feeling my main task right now is staying alive ... there's so much more I'm capable of doing ... but not really here.
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Along with the rest of this, I know my response is just more doom-and-gloom for you, but here's something else you need to think about:
It's not going to get better.

I know you probably already realize this. However, with whatever she's in the early stages of, it will most surely get worse. Whatever problems you'd had with her, before, will more likely become worse.

While some people do become a bit more docile as they get into dementia, it sounds like most get more aggressive and paranoid.

The reason I'm saying this is because it's just something to keep in-mind for whatever actions you take and decisions you make. If it's freaky, now, it will be freakier as time goes on. It's something to put in the forefront of your mind as you plan your future relationship with her.
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I would continue to keep paying rent, otherwise if Mom gets angry enough about non-payment of rent, she could contact the credit bureaus. You don't need that type of ding on your credit reports.
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Oh, Willie...how I feel for you. I hope you are able to save the money you need to escape that h*ll you are in quickly. One comment (cannot remember who said it) was correct. You do have legal rights & eviction is a legal process that does take time & money. Even if you stopped paying rent the eviction process still must be followed. I am not advocating for anyone to not pay their bills but if your mom does not need the rent money then stop paying it & save up what you need faster.
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willie, you are seeing the situation clearly, you have a plan and your are going to make it work. Hold on to that and let everyone here know how things are going, when you need encouragement. Everyone is rooting for you. You tried to do the right thing, but it takes two to tango.
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Robin and Maggie - thanks for your comments. My youngest sister was killed, and another sister almost killed, by a driver who should never have been on the road. Her family lacked the guts to get her out of that car.
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willie, about the fridge. the rotten stuff is usually on a bottom shelf in the back. Wait til she is in the bathroom, that is your chance to quickly check and trash anything funky looking. Quickly dump it and rinse the container or fill it with soapy water.
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I believe your backing down from notifying the DMV discredited your good intentions! I can surely relate to what you are going thru, because my mother and I have a similar relationship. Sometimes, oftimes, it seems "easier" to just back down and drop the whole thing, but us big girls must remember why we did what we did in the first place, and what we felt necessary to accomplish by doing it . . . then stand by our decision. Whether Mom understands your reasoning is probably up to her but, despite her ridicule, know you did the right thing for the greatest number of people!! You will never get the praise we enjoyed as children, because Mom's mind isn't capable of it, she thinks only what she wants and is ready to bad-mouth anybody who gets in her way! Don't be so hard on yourself, just trust your initial actions. It is a difficult situation, I am in a very similar situation as far as financial issues go, so I can relate but, as others have said, grow up and trust your good intentions and rational thoughts!
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willieisawestie, regarding your step-Dad's real estate business. You would need to find out from the State if your step-Dad's Assistant is actively licensed Agent, licensed as a referral Agent, or is not licensed at all. Isn't she retiring in December? It's all a moot point. Will your Mom step in as his Assistant?

An unlicensed Assistant can still do a lot of things around the office, draw up documents as long as the Agent signs them, run errands, put listings into the MLS system, place real estate signs on property, deposit earnest money checks, etc, prepare promotional materials and advertisements for approval by the Agent, be a property manager and order repairs, even drive clients to show houses only if there is an licensed Agent with her, she can answer simple questions about the property [such as info one would see if the property was advertised in the newspaper], but she cannot negotiate contracts or rental agreements, and cannot be paid a percentage of the commission.
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I'm the original poster. What started out as an attempt to be here to help them has ended with the decision from H-ll ! I would leave tomorrow if I could, but I just can't until I can come up with the money to do so. So, I'm stuck. What a horrible mess I've put myself in. I will NEVER judge another person who have estranged themselves from their family again! There are always reasons behind people who do that.
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It sounds like you may soon have (if you don't already) an additional option to call Adult Protective services because your mom and step-dad cannot care for themselves or their home. I would definitely do that once you are on your feet and out of there, or maybe after you have been away and it has deterioriated to the point where this inability is unmistakeable.
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ouch, with the carpal tunnel - maybe a copy of Dragon Dictate would let you do at least a little freelance secretarial work again? What a mess, I sure feel for you, and having to stay in the situation for several more months won't be a walk in the park either.
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Well, after the driving thing, there's been other things ... such as a dog making an outhouse of her BR ... her making excuses for not getting rid of her, etc, etc. We finally got to help do the sad thing of taking the dog in after she got sick enough to make a total mess of the whole house; it still smells. It gagged me right out of here; went somewhere else to eat a few times, even tonight, while some food gotten before the total mess sits in the fridge ... said I cannot stand that kitchen long enough to make anything, eat it in there, etc.

Then this afternoon we take her to the store to find an appropriate K-door rug (she'd use the excuse to drag the stinkin' one back in that I took OUT of the house b/c it cannot be washed of not liking what I picked out, so .....). She got in a huff, took off, I didn't know what other store she might decide to go to (she's 88 in a few days), so while I'm deciding where on earth to check, as I cannot walk all over that place myself to try to find her, I finally decide to just start for home, and then call some places. Well, we ran into her walking towards home (which would have been about 1.75 miles), which she'd said she was going to do (but knowing her, figured she'd find someplace else to go, making it a really hard game of "find me!"). I pulled off on the side street she was nearing, she got in once there, and I see she's got a nice bump on her head. Asked about it. "I fell." "Where? in the parking lot, or where?" "I don't know; on the sidewalk."

This woman ... so, I took her back to the house, got ice for her, had to take off both b/c the smell is still here, and her attitude/actions (she's not quiet about anything). So food's still sitting in the fridge; there's been so much waste here ... due to turning down the fridge temp, popping the freezer door ope SLAMMING the fridge door (another reason I just KNEW we needed the bottom drawer freezer, NOT a top one that's HIGH for short people, anyway, w/stuff nearly above your head that you're supposed to go through w/o its falling OUT at you!
With a drawer, it would not pop OPEN when a raging door-slamming person SLAMMED the fridge door frequently! Then there's this attitude thing ... I've made plenty meals w/her going off ... but I simply cannot function with both the stench and her attitude combined ... together they push me over the edge.

What are we going to do ... ????????? I don't know, but I can't stand living on the edge like this ... she's gone off how many times, too, about feeling "guilty" about taking her dog in. So, I finally had to stop biting my tongue and say something (tho' I'm sure she didn't hear, w/her poor hearing she doesn't correct, and lack of response): "You're so worried, thinking you should feel guilty about your dog, an animal. Well, here's something you should feel 'guilty' about ... that you refuse to fix the PLUMBING in this house, and your DAUGHTER has to live like an ANIMAL, without being able to take a SHOWER !!! :'( Yes, I'm living on the edge, and feel I'm close to falling over it ...............

Prayers for somehow getting a home (leaving her to her own devices, to finally figure she needs to live elsewhere, as there's a basement here, too, and I think I'm not the only one ~~ due to back injuries that have made stairs hard for years now ~~ that stairs bother. I avoid them ... she gripes about them anymore. Told her to not go down them, since she fell just walking. LAUNDRY ~~ which I also have a hard time doing, so sometimes don't know WHAT to wear when I do finally coerce myself into the drizzle/dribble that's supposed to be a shower ~~ is down there, too. UGH! Need a *ONE LEVEL* place. :'( Lord, help! Thank you.
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Trust me, I'd rather move in the night, but then again I'd have to pay someone extra to load the truck at night. I've already thought of that.
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My mom could see a large truck parked across the street. She wouldn't see something small though. Thanks for the real estate info.
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williesawestie you seem to have a good plan.
Actually your Mom could not just kick you out you do have some rights. she would probably have to go to court and get an eviction order which would take time and money.
Do you think the secretary will still be in the picture at that time? If she is not around to alert your step dad you may be able to get way with just dropping off the key. Do you think your Mom would notice the van? could you load after dark and move out at first light? DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF YOU WERE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Blessings. You could even report step dad to your state's real estate licensing board as unless secretary also has a licence she is practicing real estate without a licence. keep that up your sleeve as ammunition you can use if necessary. Anyone out there who does have a licence. I used to but that was a long time ago
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I'm the original poster. Here is an update. I did call the DMV in Boise and withdrew the request. My mother called them and asked them to send her a copy of the letter I wrote to them. I have to tell you that if I didn't do that then she would have kicked me out of this house that I'm renting from her. She has not spoken to me in three weeks. She will not either. I would have to be the one to go to her and suck up. It has been this way since I was 12. What happened( to answer ones question) is that I was a latch key kid all of my growing up years. I never had a babysitter I could come and go, do anything I wanted as long as my mother knew where I was. Then when I turned 12, all hell broke loose, for lack of a better word. She pulled in the reins on me, I wasn't to go here/there, I couldn't do this/that, all because I realized there were boys! I rebelled in the worst way. We have fought ever since. Add to that, my mother is a member of a cult religion. Don't get me started on that. Anyway, I am sticking to my guns about moving away. I want to do this smart. I have one credit card that has a balance of 1,500.00 on it. I need to pay that off first before I can leave. I will have this paid off by December. I will then need to save approx. another 2,000.00 before I can leave. I will then hopefully in May have enough to move all of my belongings in a U-Haul back to Winston Salem, and also have enough money then to find myself an apartment for no more than $600.00 per month, and hopefully it won't be in the slums. So, I will need first months rent, deposit, and last months rent. I have no choice but to tell my step-dad at that time that I am moving, as I live across the street from them and they would see the moving truck here. Trust me, I would rather not say anything to them at all and move away, and let them wonder what happened to me, but I can't do that. I will not ever return here, nor will I ever have any more contact with these people. THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE ON MY PART, SO I JUST NEED TO MOVE ON.
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I am also an "only" child with a mother that can turn on you in an instant. Once she has made a decision about you, nothing else matters (and she could never be wrong)!. She is 91 and I am 58. When my father started to have problems with dementia, I was the one to make the decisions and handle things. She has always had to have someone she could lash out at. It was my Dad until he was failing, and (yes I saw it coming) then it moved to me. My Dad died almost 4 years ago. She has always been very proud of how independent she was - so as her vision declined, her hearing declined, her ability to handle things and make decisions declined, more has fallen to me along with the anger and frustration she is feeling. After 2 wrecks in 15 months, she totaled her car. The police couldn't say whether she or the 88 year old that hit her was to blame. I wouldn't help her get another car. She really knew she shouldn't be driving but it was an end to her independence. I tried to get her to allow help to come to the house - wouldn't hear of it. This past winter she fell and fractured an arm. That necessitated her going into assisted living. God has a way of taking care of things. I have had to put on my Big Girl Pants a lot over the past 6 years. I just have to move beyond the normal reaction I've had all my life and decide to handle things like an adult. I'm now in charge and will do whatever I need to for her but it is a very diffrent situation from someone that is handling the same situation with a parent that was easier to be with all your life. I still never quite know what may happen when I have her on my own (such as doctors appointments - she never went to one before) and that causes me a lot of stress. But I know I am doing the best I can. All I can advise you to do is what I do - pray every day for patience, strength, knowledge, and wisdom. This is our 3rd parent to have some form of dementia. We ahve learned you can't "fix it". I hope my son has paid attention because there are pretty good odds that both my husband and I will also have it.
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I am also an "only" child with a mother that can
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Need to follow this question. Am also only child and can relate to these postings. Will write more later. Thanks!
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willieisawestie, it will be interesting to see what happens in December once the personal assistant for your Dad retires, and who is also the Executor of your Mom's Will [that in itself sounds strange, why not have the attorney who drew up the Will be the Executor?]. Who is going to take her place at the office since it sounds like the office will continue to stay opened? Who is going to write up the real estate listing agreements, contracts, and rental leases? Who is going to drive clients to see properties? Hopefully not your mother, that would literally drive clients away.

As for staying to be with your Mom until she passes, if she is still driving she still has a long ways to go..... my boss's wife had Alzheimer's.... for 14 years.
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willieisawestie, what happened when you were 12 years old for your mother to turn against you. Did she rent you a decent house or one in too poor a state to be rentable to someone else. Your mother and step dad have plenty of assets to take care of themselves so don't worry about having to help them,they can manage just fine especially with the help of the secretary. that relationship is far too cozy for my liking. An independent lawyer or similar should be managing their financial affairs who knows what the secretary is doing with the money.
I absolutely agree that you should leave and this may be very difficult but sell everything except the two suitcases that you can carry. Buy a bus ticket and go home. Do not tell you mother or the secretary what your plans are. Prepare to leave at the end of a month when the rent is due. Leave a chang of address for contact with the utility companies for the final bill and notify them when you are leaving. Do this at the last minute.As you leave town mail a letter to your mother telling her what you have done and include the house key and forwarding address which can be your daughter. Tell mother she can keep the security deposit in leiu of the months rental notice. When you arrive at your new place go to a cheap motel that offers cheap weekly rates and hopefully cooking facilities. next day head for social services and ask for temporary housing. All you need there will be a few pans and dishes and an air bed and sleeping bag. You can get the rest cheaply thrift stores and garage sales. get food from the food bank and emergency food stamps. if you can clean houses and mow for your mother you can do the same for other people. You don't have to work an eight hour day but it should be enough to pay the rent. is there anyone in your home town who would rent you a room temporarily? Can you stay with your daughter?
You are a strong woman. you already got out of a bad divorce so you can do this. It will mean sacrifices but you are no stranger to that.
I realize you are 64 and in poor health but I know plenty of students who have rented fom others and just have a backpack and a bed roll and blow the matress up at night. I know one person on here who lost everything and pulled herself up by her boot straps found an abandoned camper and is living in it on a camp site.
lots of people have lost everything and turned themselves around. it is hard but it is only stuff. you are more important than that.
I agree you did the right thing going to DMV but it was wrong not to own up to it.
Forget about the inheritance, you probably won't get it anyway. the secretary is hinting at that so you stick around and take care of the old people so she does not get stuck with it in order to keep her inheritance. Have you seen the Will? You may not even be in it. You are responsible for yourself so follow your instincts.
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willieisawestie, I went through similar issues with my mom. We didn't send a letter to DMV (I didn't know you could do that) but we did talk to her about her diminished driving skills. It was met with lots of anger - it does take away their independence. Her health & mental statue continued to decline, that was a few years ago. It was not easy then and still is not. She still gets angry and hostile at other things other than the inability to drive. You need to do what feels best for yourself and take care of yourself first. And if she lets you do your best to make sure she is safe.
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I hope this will help a bit, but I think there is a lot more to this than I am able to help with. Sounds like you both need a little TLC. Your mom is suffering from what you say is the beginning of Alzheimer's/Dementia -- that alone is tough to deal with. I bet your mom (even though she wouldn't admit it) is feeling overwhelmed/stressed with her blind husband and when someone has their own health problems (sometimes in denial). Maybe you could find someone to help with running errands/taking care of her husband's needs -- you can call your local Agency on Aging to find some resources. Also, take care of yourself, because if this is too much for you, you as a caregiver can find help as well. I know you love her and want what's best, but sometimes the care is more accepted from a stranger than a loved one (sounds weird, but works sometimes - who knows why). If you can get a little extra help for both of you, things may be less strained between you, and you may even find you can talk without becoming frustrated. My mom had dementia, and before I knew what was going on, (she would get agitated and made at me - like a different person), but that seems to be part of the illness. Maybe you could even ask her doc if he knows of anything health-wise that could help. Good luck with all of this and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
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willieisawestie
i am a SW for protective services. Please rest asure that you did the right thing by contacting DMV but the wrong thing when you rescended your letter. As others have stated, own up to what you did and why you did it. I've assisted family members in situations like yours. There is no "easy" solution. Moving out of state isn't really fair to others that will be affected by her driving. Also, you leave the burden on the state to make decisions for her due to her dementia.
take a deep breath and contact your state's office of public guardian or Adult Protective Services and inquire what you need to do to protect and help your mother! Remember, it's easier to help now then to live with the guilt of her hurting an innocent bystander or herself.
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I think it's terrible that you're in this situation. Like you said, you'd think your Mom would be nicer to you because you're her only child. I think some of these comments are quite unfair to you. I also think once a senior's driving has been brought to the DMVs attention, they will probably keep after her. I think you were brave to report it knowing the consequences if she found out. I don't know why that person you mentioned that's close to her didn't report her, they should. You're really in a tough spot and from what I've seen, people don't change, only maybe to get worse. Some of these commenters are quite harsh on you, when you just wanted a bit of help dealing with someone who is already treating you harshly. You tried your best and that's all anyone can do.
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willieisawestie, I really feel for your situation. I know what it's like to be stuck somewhere due to financial reasons. It is easy for others to say "just move"...It takes MONEY to move. Truly hope things work out to the good for you. I care.
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I too never got along with my mom since 12 yrs old. But it was my Dad who needed to stop driving. He had a fairly new car but I would see scrapes, dents, etc. and knew there was a problem. He crashed the front end, I saw it in the car in garage yet he took it and got it fixed. He had a bump on his head, what the
h---? He HAD to stop. He wouldn't listen at all. So I simply took his keys from where he left them. He got angry at me but it broke the ice. It took a few weeks but I made driving sound like a huge chore to him, like it was a big bother. Then swooped in with "So where can I take you today?" Or "Where do you want to go?" "Let's go grocery shopping, what do you want to eat?" Never gave him time to think about driving, it's like I anticipated his next desire to drive and was in the driver's seat before he could say where's the keys. With God's help he backed off and it worked. And it'd be so much better if Mom wasn't landlord. It might be cheaper but it would keep you in control and keep things in perspective for you.
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