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The end of 2019 my dads mom passed away and at the beginning of 2020 my stepmom left my dad. Now they had been fighting for a while but when she left things just took a major turn. He has severe ADHD and won’t even say he has it but if you observed his behavior for 2 minutes, you would be able to tell he has it. My step mom and dad were together upwards of 6-7 years and she did absolutely everything for him that wasn’t work: make every meal for him, cook, wash their clothes etc. but when she left that was all ripped from underneath him and he couldn’t “fend” for himself. Even simple meals like ravioli. Now it’s not as bad the 2 years later and he’s able to make his own food and it’s easier to get outve bed from all the grief and depression of what he’s been through. But he can’t keep the house clean OR organized. He’s a VERY smart man so he spends his time working on batteries and there electrical current and making cool more efficient gadgets for himself, but it’s so all over the place, you have to step over a lot of stuff when you go to his house. He’s not a hoarder but it kinda would seem like it cuz he doesn’t clean. And he has own specific way of doing things sometimes that he thinks actually works faster and better but really it would just be easier to do it the normal way. Like with dishes, he doesn’t like to wash them in the sink so he puts them all in a tub to soak and then spray off but that doesn’t even get them clean. Or with laundry detergent, he’ll make his own mixture of it and say it’s better. Or mopping. He uses a squeegee and soap and water but DOESNT clean the part where all the dirty water collects. So he’ll “clean” the floor but you’ll see some sections that are dried and pure dark brown nasty stuff that collected from the floor. One thing: he loves the internet and phones but has such trouble texting or calling me and my sister but then gets a lil upset when we don’t contact him. Basically he’s all alone in this dirty house with little food, working on whatever his ADHD brain finds interesting, trying to keep himself busy until life gets better and I don’t know how to help him. I get food for him, everything he’ll need for a while, I’ll clean when I go over so he can have semi better living conditions. But he gets frustrated when I clean cause it’s “moving” so much stuff and he doesn’t really like that. He has pretty bad anger issues and talks really fast and a lot of time will talk so much and fast he won’t hear or care what you said because he’s talking. And it’s so sad cuz he’s only like that cuz no one comes to visit him often so when someone is there he just rambled bcuz he’s excited. He’s like a kid and I just want to help him but it’s too much for me to handle. And this is the kicker: when his mom died she left all her stuff in his name, like stocks and stuff that has monetary value he can have. So like if he were to get all that he could start helping himself again, he just doesn’t know how. To reiterate: my ADHD dad is stuck in his own house with barely anything to do or eat and I can only visit and help so often, he has a will with money sitting in it for him, but I don’t know how to help.

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Your dad is to young for you to take over his care. He could live for 40+ years and you don't want to forsake your life to prop him up. Especially when it is treatable.

Can you find a good grief councilor and have a family intervention?

Maybe stop propping him up and call adult protective services to intervene.

There are no good answers when dealing with someone that has decided to hole up instead of facing their losses and living their lives. Sometimes we just have to back away and let them fail to knock them out of their stupor.
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YOU can not do anything for him regarding his ADHD and depression.
He needs to see a qualified doctor and begin appropriate therapy. (Medication and or talk)
If he balks at that if you can find a doctor that will confirm that he can not properly care for himself an attorney might be able to help you obtain Guardianship, at least temporarily until he has undergone treatment. (courts do not like to take anyone's rights from them so Guardianship is not just expensive and time consuming it might not be easy to get)
Other than that it is the "waiting game"...you wait until something happens that will allow you to step in and make decisions for him. (I hope you are able to convince him to make you POA for medical and financial decisions if something happens. If it is not you then if he is still legally married his wife would be the one that would make decisions and would be heir to anything that he has. (that might get him to make decisions)
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I have ADHD in my family and it doesn't cause a person to not want to go out of the house. There is medication for this to help the brain slow down and be able to focus more. And when it comes to cleaning...that maybe the ADHD. My daughter complains all the time that my grandson never follows thru even with a list. Their minds just don't allow it. It just jumps from one thing to another. Since grandson is an epileptic, he cannot take ADHD meds. He had a brain operation we hope solved his problem. He is weaning off meds and is 11 months seizure free. Once he is totally off, he will go back on his ADHD med.

Not wanting to leave the house is his depression which would have something to do with cleaning or...its because he is a man who was never taught. Your Dad needs to see his PCP and have tests ran and get meds. Thats the only way he will improve.
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