My husband and I recently got married and have been dating for almost a decade prior to that. He is the primary caregiver for both of his parents and we live in the neighborhood. He has been caring for them full-time since approximately 10-15 years. His siblings are not helpful or supportive and neither is able to help with caregiving duties and both make him feel guilty on a regular basis about wanting to have a life of his own while balancing helping them. The family is very resistant to having outside help come in. Partially because of the large out of pocket cost and partially because of previous bad experiences with inexperienced, inappropriate lazy and not well trained home health aides. I'm trying to figure out how to help him balance his devotion to helping his parents and having time for ourselves to create a life together. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
While I am not newly married...almost 40 years...nurturing a marriage is always necessary. I care for my mom full-time in our home. At this point she is stage 7 Alzheimer's, which is the final stage. I have helped care for her since she was diagnosed in 2009. My level of involvement has increased through the years.
I am blessed with a husband from a culture where caring for your parents is just an expectation. I took care of his dad until he passed. My husband always works 6-7 days a week, 10 hours a day. Part of those years we owned a restaurant, part he managed one. My mom needs help with all daily living needs, she is incontinent, has to be hand fed, is bed ridden (or recliner). My husband has retired but I am still working. I work mostly from home. He takes care of Mom while I go to meetings, and occasionally to go out with our grandchildren. He also covers things like going to many of the events when I can't school events, baptisms, concerts, etc. So our grandchildren have our presence. He gives me back rubs, tells me I am doing a good thing and never makes me feel guilty about missing certain things. When I get frustrated with the situation, he helps me through that too. We do things to plan for the future... We bought a used trailer and work on it when we have a few minutes here and there. We sit and talk about trips we will take. He just helps me feel like it will all be okay. If you can do that for your husband, you will build your relationship.
If you've been dating for almost 10 years, surely you have some idea what he is expecting of you in ways of assisting him. And maybe even having to care for him the same way he is caring for his parents down the road.
My advice would be to ask him how you can help him and in turn "create a life together."
The minute we got married, his mother moved in with us and has pretty much monopolized our life. I do much of her day to day care yet she is resentful of me, rudely monopolizes his attention and energy, and constantly tries to stir up drama in the family and drive wedges between us.
I try to support him by taking over the things I can manage for her and giving him latitude to go on hunting trips and spend time off the farm doing things he enjoys.
The biggest challenge for me is that I can often see ways to make things work better, and situations that should be changed, but as the new kid on the block my input is frequently unwelcome. It's a challenge not to be angry and frustrated a lot. I never knew his mother before she landed in my life with both feet. Whatever she was before, she has become completely self centered, awash in self pity, and focused 100% on her ailments, complaints, and manipulative games.
I'm most worried about my husband. He is also aging (70), not in good health, and works hard on the farm. He has always been devoted and responsible and has done very little that he enjoys, picking up slack for others who play and play. I just try to do what I can to help him, bite my toothache as much as possible to keep the drama level here low, and try to be good to myself so i can manage my own frustration and anger. It's not easy.
It sounds like you are so busy trying to give DH time away from home, and not taking care of yourself? Why aren't the 2 of you going on these trips together? Find someone to take care of MIL and go enjoy your DH while you can.
Is it possible he knew all along that Mom was going to be moving in? I mean, "the minute you got married..." - it had to have been planned?
I am sorry for the position you have placed yourself but I married an older widowed man (30 years my senior) and we discussed everything before the "I do's" were said.
As for myself, I have my sanctuaries -- I work outside all day with my gardens and my horses and have made a sewing room upstairs (I'm the only one in the house who can climb the stairs). The question from the OP was focused on supporting her husband so I tried to address that side of things.
You walked into this marriage KNOWING ahead of time that hubby's parents are important to him and he is going to be the loving son---and hopefully (the signs are all there!) he will also be a loving husband. Count yourself lucky!!
A date night each week. Private time for each other that is truly private, meaning, mom & dad aren't in any way able to reach you. You're "newlyweds" & just establishing the "married" relationship, which is so very different from the "dating" one, no matter how long you dated. Make each other a priority. Mom & dad could be in the picture for a long, long time, and their health will not improve as they age.
Support hubby by truly SUPPORTING him--but also watch that his parents don't "use and abuse" him. You will find your stride over time.
My brother took my parents in 20 years ago. Daddy passed 13 years ago. Mother is still with them. Brother has a large bedroom suite for him and his wife. They retreat there a LOT. They raised 5 kids in this 20 years...along with the care of our parents. We too have only 1 other sib who helps, me, and I don't get along with mother well, so I can only do so much before she sends me packing. Brother has maintained a strong relationship with his wife partly due to the fact that house rules were set before mother moved in. She is not "allowed" (that sounds harsh, but it's not) into the upstairs of the home. That is where the family lives and is a family. Mother has her own apartment and the use of the laundry room ( 1 day is all she needs) and the huge living room and dining room adjacent to her apartment, if she has company or sit down dinners (no longer does that).
SIL doesn't "do" for mother. I clean, when she'll allow it. SIL has had 5 kids to raise and now works PT. She wouldn't let mother starve or be in need, but she is very good at boundaries. She is not in mother's apt., fussing her at all, ever. This is what works for them.
You don't say a whole lot about the actual situation you are in, so I do hope you come back and tell us what exactly your DH is doing for his folks. In time, he may need to hire outside help, and you will need to be supportive of that.
Nurture your marriage first. I think anyone would agree with that.
It is probably needed in marriages where one is caring for his or her parents. It makes one think that the same caring would be bestowed on the other partner. Help him and he is sure to be there for you.
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