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My husband's stepson from his late wife is 52 years old and, dare I say, a hermit in his apartment. He is morbidly obese to the point where he was not able to get out of bed for 48 hours, the Fire Department had to come to get him off the bathroom floor once he finally got up. Taken to the hospital to see if he had injured himself in the fall wound up with diagnosis of a blood clot in his leg and other findings. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital, IN BED, and is now in a "Rehab facility" for the past 5 days. They have not gotten him out of bed yet nor has a Physical Therapist or anyone from that department come to assess him.


He is also a hoarder and this scenario happened a couple years ago too. His apartment was declared "condemned" and not livable after the Fire Dept. Chief came on the scene. He spent months under Social Worker supervision to make it "livable" with the help of a service worker from the apartment complex he lives at.


Now this has happened again after years of us - as well as other family members and friends - trying to get him help for the obesity. He has cut himself off from family and friends. Now that he is on blood thinners, his situation is even more precarious if he falls. We don't see a way that he could ever return to living alone as he lives in a second story apartment.


The conundrum is this: we want to advocate for him so that he gets the PT he needs and at least a fighting chance to continue some sort of life for himself. My husband did not adopt him so he is legally not a family member. We are going to suggest he have someone there get his HC-POA done so that we have our foot in the door to help. He is also on Medicaid.


Any advice from someone with a similar situation would be so appreciated!

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If he's competent, no POA is in effect even if you do have one. His life is his to do with as he pleases, and unfortunately, unless he asks for help, there's little you can do beyond encouraging him to get it.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2021
I agree with MJ completely. You have no right to interfere with a competent adult making his own choices for his own life. You can offer your help to him, and be certain he has your contact information. There is little else that can be done I suspect. I am sorry for what you are having to witness, and for your husband's stepson. This must be difficult to see. I wish you all the best.
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You don't need POA - your husband's stepson can give his doctors permission to speak to your husband under HIPAA regulations.

I have to say, this sounds to me like a bit of hiding to nothing. The only thing that stands between stepson and the assistance he needs is his unwillingness to accept it, and no advocacy on your part is going to change that.

How obese is he? I ask because I've learned you can't make assumptions about what someone can do based on his weight, shape and apparent immobility - I've helped a 392lb man with Parkinson's Disease to shower. If PT aren't trying to get him moving my first guess is it's because he's saying no.
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notsothrilled Apr 2021
I think he's at least 400 lbs. But, yes, he's very good at denial!!
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You can’t have his “recovery” for him. You’re not responsible for his happiness. You should be sure any help he does ever request from you is not enabling him. As a parent I totally understand the pain & frustration of watching him waste his life. But until he himself is ready, you’ll be beating your heads against a brick wall and pouring money down a black hole. I wish you peace in your hearts.
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notsothrilled Apr 2021
Thank you. It's difficult to stand by and watch this happen, even though we knew it would come to this. Now it's here ....
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Maybe they rather not do if the blood clot has not dissolved. I would make the SW aware that releasing him would be an unsafe discharge. And, I would not take on his care. I may just let the State take over. He will get services faster. POA will do you no good at this point if he is competent. It will only be in effect if he can't make informed decisions.

I know a young man in a NH. He has some Mental challenges but can make decisions in his care. Long story why he is there but went in weighing over 400lbs. He lost about 100 his first year so he was able to use a walker at that point. He just had the sleeve done. I explained to him that its a tool not a cure. Not sure where his is weight wise but his picture on messenger shows a thin face. I have never seen him with a thin face. They are now talking about him going to a group home.

Maybe this is what your husbands stepson needs. Time in a NH where his intake is watched. One reason they wanted to get Hs weight down was because of diabetes.

There is really nothing you can do for this man of 50. He must have underlining problems to allow himself to get this obese. He is the only one who can make the decision to better himself.
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notsothrilled Apr 2021
I agree with everything you've said. I don't even know if we'd be able to have the input with the SW. He did say that "they" (hospital and NH?) have been asking him what his plan is after he's discharged. We've put it all in his lap since the last incident. We just want him to know that he is loved anyway.
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Thank you all for your kind input. There is not a thing here that I disagree with and I've learned a few things th
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Thank you all for your kind input. There is not a thing here that I disagree with and I've learned a few things that I didn't know. Over the past decade we've learned all of these hard lessons too. Unfortunately I think his mother spoiled him and enabled him. All very heartbreaking for her. Be healthy and safe everyone.
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