Forgive me for sounding childish,....
Every parent has their favourite child or at least the one that they see eye to eye with most, the one that reminds them of themselves the most or one that they just gel with the best in general.
For my Mum it was the oldest child, my late brother.
While I was seen as someone who strived to excel and who Mum was very proud of,.. it doesn’t matter what I did,.. I still always felt second best. Of course she would never ever admit to this and always claimed it was silly of me to think that. Later in the years I kind of just accepted they had a special bond but that I was still equally important.
Fast forward to now,.. all of a sudden the filter is gone. All of a sudden I’ve gone from being her talented, career girl who knew how to do everything and whom she was proud of to,- her personal maid, cleaner, good at nothing daughter who steals and is evil.
I get that dementia causes a person to accuse of stealing and be rude but she is always doing it in the context of comparison to my late brother and I’m finding it so difficult. She is now openly admitting how I’m practically nothing compared to him in many ways.
Examples from today:
She accused me of stealing a post card that my brother had sent which she today found again (left by her).
She went on about how that is HER SON and it doesn’t belong to me and that is their special thing. How good he was compared to me almost like I’m coming between them etc etc. I said I’ve never touched the card, you have it right there in your hand and I am your DAUGHTER! She was spiteful towards me the whole day.
As I offered her a seat to prep her for coffee,.. she kicked me with both legs several times as she was still angry from above raising her voice. While this happened, one of my cats decided to act out and pee on the sofa (luckily it had a cover due to Mum).
Then she went to use the bathroom and complained that it was too messy for her to use and I should be cleaning it! One of the cats had tracked a bit of kitty litter on the floor. I said it won’t hurt you, it’s not near you, I’ll deal with it later as right now I’m eating. She insisted that she can’t use the toilet as it’s disgusting and huffed and puffed like I’m useless. I then said,.. well,.. there’s a dust pan right next to you if you want to clean it up before using the toilet, one of the cats is yours after all and we used to share the workload around here. She did not take lightly to that at all!! She acts like I need to do things at a snap of a finger! She points out things that need cleaning, fixing constantly! I can’t keep up anymore and she is the one that is mainly causing mess. Ironically her room is the messiest but not in her eyes!
Much later when the dust had settled (literally), I tried to speak to her about the day. I asked her (which I probably shouldn’t have),.. what does she see as good qualities in me? What is good about me. I guess I was hoping to trigger her memory of the old times, remind her of the fact that I am her dear daughter.
Her response was,.. I’m good at cleaning and making sure things are sorted. That’s it!
I'm sorry but I’m finding this all so hard as I was doing so well in my career before and have had many talents and this is what I am now,.. a maid.
I know I shouldn’t take it to heart but I’ve sacrificed so much and I still do everything for her despite her anger, snide comments and so forth.
The other night we were at a burger place and she fat shamed me. She pointed to a rather large lady and said,.. her and I look very similar and kept repeating it! Now I’ve put on a few kilos during lockdown but I’m still in a healthy range! Needless to say I kind of lost my appetite. It used to me a fun thing Mum and I occasionally did but no more. It was miserable.
I feel like every chance she gets, she hurts me and like my existence is purely for her benefit and in fact that was her comforting words to me when I was crying,.. that SHE needs me.
One of my friend's recently put her husband into a nursing home for the same behavior - hateful demeanor, trying to smack her if he was close - it had gotten so bad she actually had to run from him at times. After putting him in the nursing home, he tried to make her feel guilty for putting him there and promised he would behave and not try to hit her anymore. She had to stand firm, but she also said the guilt was very heavy for a while.
You have done your best to care for your mum, now may be the right time to care for yourself and put her in a home. Be prepared though that she may use this to make more insulting remarks and may try to guilt you into getting her out of the nursing home. Let it go and remember that you are a wonderful human being with many wonderful qualities! You have proved that by sticking with your mum through this difficult journey.
My heart goes out to you and I understand your anguish since I am dealing with a similar situation. It has taken a year for my siblings to finally realize things need to change. Now we are looking for a nursing home that will work well for all concerned, but especially for mom.
Hoping for the best for you and whatever you decide. Please let us know how things turn out. Remember, you are a wonderful and caring daughter and a special person to continue to deal with a situation like you are!!
I too, for a period of time, felt used and abused....until I finally got the energy to do something about it. Life does throw us more than a few curveballs and we can only control what we do. You will feel better once you have a plan in place and begin your research, however, don't let the research get you down.
My suggestion to you is 2 things:
1) start looking for a place for you to move to that is within your budget
2) start looking to place your Mom into a Memory Care facility and move her if there is an opening at a place that you like. If they have a "trial" hour, do the trial.
As she starts yelling obscenities to you, just keep repeating to her "I'm sorry Mom, but I can no longer care for you". As she begins to pick at everything around her and direct you to do something about it, do what you can, and continue to repeat to her, "I'm sorry Mom, but I can no longer care for you. There is too much for me to do".
If she has the finances, arrange to have her go to an elderly day care or find home caring services at least some of the time, until you can find a place to put her (many of these places have wait lists). You will need someone to take care of her while you visit these facilities so get her started on getting used to the fact that you will NOT be always available (and yes, she will be hypercritical of them, to which you say...."I'm sorry Mom, they are there to help ME because I can no longer take care of you by myself")
Once my Mom was able to experience the caregiving that others gave to her, she was less critical of me as there were other things to pick at. I don't look to my Mom for validation. She didn't do it when I was a child, so it is unrealistic that she would do it now.
Hopefully, you have all the legal paperwork in place to be able to place her in a home. If not, start working on getting those pieces together.
I feel for you....it is time to you to put some distance between her and you.
It is tough, however, you can get through this. (P.S. All my friends suggested respite. For me however, respite just made me realize how I just disliked being around her.)
People forget that placing a loved one in a facility may be the safest thing for the loved one and the caregiver. She is only going to get worse. You can’t do this 24/7. There’s a reason facilities have staff working two or three shifts a day. Even then you’ll still be her caregiver with taking care of her affairs. Maybe her behavior will improve and visits may be tolerable. Don’t sacrifice your life and sanity for her. Also look for a therapist or counselor to her deal with the wounds
as for the post card from her DEAR son, I would have torn the damn post card into bits and handed back to her!
as far as her kicking your legs, that is physical abuse to YOU, I wouldn’t have sat her down, I would have called 911 and show them the marks that she hopefully left on you. Grrl, you need to somehow get out of this situation asap! You deserve so much better than this. And I know that people with dementia/ALZ/ Parkinson’s have broken brains, but how much crap and abuse are you supposed to take before you pack your bags and walk away. Of course leave a list of phone numbers and places on the table that she can call to clean up her messes, etc. then out the door I would go.,,,,jus sayin….
EDITED to add,,,, by the way, she would not be going to any more restaurants with me!!
Abuse is abuse. When it comes from a perfectly coherent competent person, it's abuse.
When it comes from a senior with dementia who is incompetent, it's abuse.
A coherent competent person can be arrested and put in jail for physically abusing someone.
An incompetent demented senior who assaults someone gets puts in a care facility where a staff of professionals deal with them.
It's all about safety. The demented elder's safety and the safety of their caregivers.
When the elder is kicking, punching, biting, and hitting they shouldn't be at home anymore.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
She also published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.” For people to understand that reality and context as perceived and experienced by a person with dementia, is altered by the dementia; and, that their reality and context is continuously changing as the dementia progresses, requires learning and an attitude shift; it is not ‘common sense.’
Best of luck!
It is common w dementia.
I often wondered if being brutally honest was the real lifelong thoughts of a person that were being repressed, or if it was truly the disease that was talking. I don't know. What I do know is that Alzheimers causes one to have delusional thoughts. I know that AD destroy one's self awareness and inhibitions. I know the accusations are hurtful to the caregiver. How much of this new behavior should we try to understand? How much can we tolerate? Is it a phase we can live thru? Who has the patience of Job that they can just let it roll off their back?
So, unless this behavior and attitude was always her demeanor, which doesn't seem to be the case, I suspect it's the disease talking. Does that make it any easier? No. What I can say is don't test her. As you found out, asking her to describe your good qualities, only resulted in more hurt for you.
We all know abuse, physical and/or mental, is nothing we should tolerate. But we're not dealing with normalcy here. We cannot hold a person living with dementia accountable for what they do. We, who are living in reality, don't know why this behavioral transformation occurs (other than it's dementia), or what to do about it. Maybe if we had dementia and lived thru it, we could answer that question. (BTW, I don't like using the word demented. To me it suggests insanity, being deranged, out of one's mind, some kind of mental disorder. Dementia is not a mental disorder, it is the effects of a brain disease. I prefer “living with dementia” rather than demented.) I know your mom's hurtful statements are difficult to deal with and I'm truly sorry, but I don't have an answer. If your hurt affects your daily living, seek counseling. I hope you are called soon by the facility.
They will repeat behaviors like a broken record because they do not remember what they, or you, said or did an hour ago or yesterday (though they may imagine that they remember) If you fight them they will certainly not remember why.
Sometimes the best DEFENSE with these people is to agree if you can, change the subject, avoid the argument, distract them...or at least try to... not for their sake, but for yours!
If you can manage this, you may save yourself a lot of trouble or, at least, aggravation.
I beg to differ with you on your point that a person with Alzheimer's isn't going to improve their behavior no matter what you do. Sometimes if their disease isn't too far advanced they can.
Like the 'biter' I was a caregiver to. She bit me. I slapped her. Not in the face but on the upper arm. Not hard enough to cause her an injury but hard enough to make my point. She never tried to bite me again and I worked or her for two years after that. Once in a while she'd try to pinch so I'd pinch her back. That was rare though.
Do not give up on her, but do correct her when you can in a loving way and try to engage her in activities she might like to do.
Perhaps you can find someone to help out with her care to take her places or give you a break once in awhile.
You sound like a wonderful daughter! God Bless You!
Sounds like stress is going to drive you crazy.
The more I did, the more she demanded, and the more selfish she made me out to be. She accused me of stealing, holding her hostage, and gaslighting her.
I once made the mistake of trying to calmly discuss with her how a specific incident made me and my family feel. She blew, full denial and accused me of lying.
She is now late mid-stage. It took a crisis - an ER visit - but now she is in care. Finally I get some peace, at home because she is not here, and when I visit, because she seems to have forgotten the golden cousin.
Wish I could forget too.
No one has to live in abuse. You do not have to.
I worked in elder homecare for a very long time. Almost 25 years and I will tell you that I never tolerated physical abuse from any client. I remember I had a client with dementia who was a biter. She bit me once and I slapped her. Not in the face or so hard as to to any injury. On the upper arm but hard enough to make a point. Then I got about an inch away from her face, looked her right in the eyes and told her in a very menacing voice that she will not bite me. She never did again. Even though she had dementia some part of her brain was able to recognize me as the dominant one and she did not bite again for the next two years I worked for her.
It seems like mothers always fawn over their sons and the daughters can go pound sand. Their DIL's can do the same as well.
Even when they aren't elderly and needy this seems to be how it is.
It's usually the adult child who mom treated the worst and who took the brunt of the abuse that by some cruel trick of fate ends up being her caregiver when she becomes elderly and needy.
Sometimes the personality changes represent the real truth of how a person really is.
I've known many seniors with dementia who only lost their ability to covertly gaslight the people in their lives. They could no longer instigate fights and make it look like someone else's fault. The snide, vicious, abusiveness they used to be able to keep in check some times and in front of some people is right out in the open all the time because of the dementia.
Sometimes dementia shows a person's true colors and amplifies their real personality.
If the poster or anyone else feels the need to tell the demented senior 'STFU (I'm sure you know the meaning of this abbreviation), nobody cares what you think' they should. Then walk away. The elder with dementia will forget about it anyway.
Caregivers reach their breaking points too and they have to do this. It's sort of like one of those old-fashioned pressure cookers from way back in the day. The ones where you had to open the valve every now and then and release the steam. Otherwise they exploded.
Better to swear or tell the abusive elder to STFU then a backhand across the face or a rough shove to the ground. Elder abuse happens very often and many times the caregivers guilty of it are decent people who just reached the end of their rope.
Agree, never argue.
Divert, never reason.
Distract, never shame.
Reassure, never lecture.
Reminisce. Never say "remember"
Repeat, never say I told you.
Do what they can do, never say I can't.
Ask, never demand.
Encourage, never condescend.
Reinforce, never force.