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I am a single mom who is a teacher. I am struggling with my faith. Every weekend is a battle with my mom. I take her shopping Sunday morning. She gets so irate about me not going to mass Saturday night. Her tirades have turned me off of church...I pray every day but choose not to go to church. Talking to her is like trying to talk to a brick wall. Just got yelled at and cried at again...it leaves me drained and with a migraine every single time. She is able to go to church with friends btw.

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So, I would give her a choice, either she stop her behavior or you do not take her shopping, that's it, now the ball is in her court. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
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I wouldn't put up with this behavior. Next time she starts, leave.

You've posted before about how moody and unappreciative your mother is. My advice would be not to give her the chance.

Read up on FOG--Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
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Onlyone67 Nov 2019
Thanks Barb...I know in my head what I should do but sometimes she just gets to me where I breakdown ..thank you
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Recently my 40 yo son took his entire family and left the church we've attended for generations. It was like a knife to my guts---he can do as he chooses, it wasn't that, it was that he acted like I was stupid and uninformed to NOT choose to 'leave' with him.

This can be a sticky situation--as I expect Thanksgiving will be this week. I DO NOT want to go, but if I don't there will be no forgiveness in this life or the next.

All you can do is tell mom that you ARE religious, just not in the way she would choose for you. And, for the love of heaven, be kind about it. If there is no love nor kindness, then their is no 'religion'.

If she continues to harangue you, make alternate arrangement for her shopping and don't spend any time with her you don't absolutely have to.

You will NEVER win a 'religious' battle. Never. And families are torn apart by just what you are talking about.
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BarbBrooklyn Nov 2019
Wise words from Mid!

Look, I left the religion of my parents when I was 18 and joined another with completely different beliefs. The religion I grew up in was a bad fit for my mental health.

My parents were angry, but they didn't take it out on me; I'm sure they grieved and prayed for me, but they respected my right to believe the way I saw fit.
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I agree with the boundaries suggestion so that she chooses. Also, you can ask her if it matters to her (and God!) if you go to church just to stop her from nagging, but you don't really share her faith or that of her church? Is that the right motivation to go? Going to church doesn't make you a Catholic/Christian, like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car. You care about God and faith and you are sorting it out. Does she want you to go so that it validates *her* beliefs? Or to "look good" to others in her church? I grew up in the Catholic church. I get it. When she brings it up just abruptly (but politely) change the subject and refuse to engage. Keep doing it no matter how many times she reverts back to the topic. She'll get the message.
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Onlyone67 Nov 2019
Thank you...your answer really has helped me
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Maybe your mother is going down the dementia highway? If she's yelling & crying about her grown daughter who isn't going to Saturday night mass, that just doesn't sound normal or functional to me, frankly. Me? I've had enough religion shoved down my throat to last 2 lifetimes, so I am NEVER open to even discussing the subject.
If your mother cannot keep her thoughts on the subject of religion to herself, I suggest you stop taking her shopping. Boundaries need to be set and stuck to, methinks, for YOUR sanity. Your mother is welcome to her feelings & opinions on the subject, as long as YOU don't have to be subject to HER histrionics about them!

Good luck!
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i saw a high level turkish govt official speaking on the news once . he said he really envied the usa ' freedom of / and from ' religion .

he said in his country if he made a careless statement concerning religion he would have 100,000 maniacs rioting in the streets in a matter of minutes .

good luck in doing so but i think you should try to convince your mother that her beliefs are no more than just that -- her beliefs .
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I do know that it "disturbed" my mother that I was an atheist (just born without the gene I am afraid; not a conscious choice). But I think the worst thing she ever said to me was, when she pressed and I expressed I appreciated that she was a believer, but that I simply was incapable of believing "Well, then. I feel sorry for you". I told her that was fine; I was fine with her feeling sorry for me. This seemed to make her all the more angry. There is little one can do about this. Not as though you can lie to her, as you are not attending Mass and that is clear to her. You could tell her that you are very sorry, but this is where you are right now, and if she chooses to pray for you that is about all you can suggest to comfort her, and are sorry for her pain. Be as gentle as you can with her. Tell her that this is not your "choice", for truly, it isn't. It is just a fact. Best to you.
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