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My mom is 86 and had a fall that broke her shoulder and fractured her pelvis. She was put in a rehab hospital but the treatment was too aggressive for her and they moved her to a skilled nursing facility. She has been going through this for going on 10 weeks. Recently she developed a terrible bed sore on her lower back. Last week she got great news from both her Ortho doc and her wound care specialist that she could now begin moving more and receiving physical therapy. She has a wound vac on her sore and it is very uncomfortable. The facility has not yet started her therapy or movement.


This morning she called me and screamed that she wanted out of there, they were holding her prisoner, she was calling the police. Then she said to get her out now, that I was "in on it" and she hated me for it. I calmly said, "I am done." and hung up the phone. She has always been manipulative and negative, but it has gotten significantly worse lately. I understand that you should, "Not take it personally," but how much do you put up with?

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I hope she has someone to help communicate with the doctors. I'd try to figure out what is going on with her condition, health and care. Does she have an underlying medical condition? Has Hospice been suggested? Is she competent? Does she have a Healthcare POA? I can understand why she might be upset. I feel for her. It seems a lot needs to be explored to get things straight on her behalf.
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Gilljenn,

It sounds like you used boundaries very well this morning. You refused to take the abuse.

I find it is the only way to deal with people like that is to remove yourself from the situation, walk way or hang up the phone.

You have not completed your profile, so we do not know if Mum has dementia or other heal concerns. Do you or someone else have POA or Medical Proxy?
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I don't. My mother is the same, just plain nasty and everything is someone elses fault, never hers.

When she acted up, I would either hang up or if I was with her I would just pick up my things and leave, no words, just action. If she would call me later I wouldn't answer for the day. Finally she asked me why I left, I clearly explained it to her and told her that I would do this everytime she abused me.

She was good for awhile, then the behavior would start all over again. My boundaries were set.

Keep yours in place, she will not change, and if like my mother, she will only get worse.
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First, if she has a bed sore since being in the facility, this is a problem they caused unless they can prove it was noted in her admitting exam that there was a pressure point already from the hospital stay. Its controversial, but if there was a pressure point, an air mattress should have been ordered for Mom. Wound care vac will help heal that sore faster.

Yes, you have not told us if Mom has Dementia. Is her attitude to you like this most of the time. Well, you have set a boundary. Good for you.

Ten weeks is a long time to be in SN unless there for the rest of your life. You can be sympathetic but you don't need to be abused. The fall is not your fault. Tell her now she is healed, her therapy will start. If she does what is asked of her, she will be home soon.

If the doctor has said she could start therapy, I would ask why the facility hasn't and I would ask the therapist.

There are times you can make allowances but you should never allow yourself to be abused. You can say, sorry you feel that way Mom. I think you are tired so I will leave and come back when ur feeling better. Or, Mom I really don't need this abuse. I know you are not happy here, but thats not my fault. I think you would do better to except this is where you need to be and try and be pleasant. I'll be back when you can respect me.
Always walk away.

If Mom has Dementia, this stay is probably not good for her.
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My mother is 95 years old and she is getting worse and worse verbally. She took Call A bus to her appointment at the eye doctor because we can't even tolerate each other in the car anymore!!! She's constantly pissed off at me!! Always!! She got pissed off at me because the bathroom at the doctors office was too far away!! I said its not my fault!!! Then she snaps out of it and she will be fine. Then an hour later she is snapping at me about something. I tell her I don't know what the hell you are talking about!!! Then she is fine. This goes back and forth. I alerted the doctor today on her portal system. She is seeing the doctor in 2 weeks. I hope the doctor sees what I see. But then the rest of the time she know everyting. She knows birthdays, holidays, who the president is, what happened in the news, what time to take her medicine, what she ate at a certain restaurant 2 years ago!!! Then in the next breath she will say to me, I can't find my purse!! Do you think somebody came in the house and stole it???? Very Frustrating!!!
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RDK1963 Nov 2019
I think our mother’s are twin sisters! Oh my gosh! This is so difficult. Hang in there! I’m new at this. 6 months in. My mother is just mean as a junk yard dog!
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gilljenn,
your mom sounds really messed up , in pain , and powerless . if you expect her to be pleasant you may be lacking the ability to empathize .

i got frustrated with my moms eccentric behavior many times too until i learned that it was caused by a manic episode and later on delirium , dementia and eventual death . near the end when she was hallucinating 24 - 7 she could accuse me of anything and i could just about turn it into a humor moment .

my ignorance of end of life matters needed fixed . moms body and mind were beyond repair .
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