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Hi. I'm new here. My mom has always been eccentric and difficult. She is almost 89 and up until 2 months ago was living in a retirement community in the independent living section. We had a hired caregiver with her 3x a week mainly to help with grocery shopping, laundry etc. Mom has been in Depends for 5 years for urinary incontinence but frequently leaked through. But her main issue was her memory - not who were were but short term things. She also lost all her math skills so I've been handling her finances for 5 years. I now see that we probably missed some signs of other issues due to her usual eccentric ways. But - two months ago she fell - it was attributed to her bad hip. She didn't really injure herself but the weird thing - to me at least - is that she seems to have almost completely lost it mentally. Is that unusual? She still knows who everyone is but has become completely unreasonable and has no judgement skills. After the fall we moved her to assisted living with help the same 3 days. After a month it was clear she wasn't going to make it there. The place she lives let us stay a while so we could find a good nursing facility - as long as we had someone with her from when she gets up until bed time. We have found a nice place and are planning to move her in a week. Of course she is having a fit and is refusing to move. My brother helps out some what but has made the moving process more difficult by trying to accommodate her - "I'll go if you find a place that..." We'd find "that" and she would see the place and refuse. I realized this was a stalling tactic immediately but my brother is having difficulty accepting her dementia diagnosis. That said - he finally got tired of taking her to see places. She can't really walk - very short distances with her walker but mainly uses a wheelchair. Okay - finally getting to my point. She is now having poop accidents and is getting it all over her hands. It's breaking my heart watching what use to be a smart, independent, adventuresome woman become a unreasonable, tantrum throwing child. Like I said - she's always been difficult - think Meryl Streep in August Osage County but without the excuse of drugs. I have a 22 year old son with sevear autism who functions at a two year old level living at home. The stress of it all is almost more than I can deal with. So - how do you all stay sane?

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ROFL, windy.
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Been reading some of the comments here, great stuff BYW, and it reminds me of other discussions about how we are not spring chickens any more. My wife and I are early 60s, somewhat active, not Tarazan and Jane or anything, but we took our kayacks down to the lake for a short paddle today. As I was pulling up to the garage later we had this exchange:

ME...Hey Hon. Why don't you hop out and open the garage door.

Wife...How about I painfully and slowly struggle out and attempt to open the door.

Time for a cocktail and some Bengay.........
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Make sure she is checked for a UTI. They can get loopy if there is an infection. Breaking a hip is very dangerous. Going under is not good for the elderly and doctors try not to go that way. I was always "the good child". Never said No. Well at 66 I now say No. I think my DH thinks I'm being selfish. I understand that I'm all my Mom has and with Dementia she clings more. The clinging really gets to me. Watching everything I do. I feel like I'm on display. She is now in a daycare 3x a week. She doesn't care for the bus. Said she'd go in a car. I said no. The bus is included so I'm taking advantage of it. (34 miles a day if I took her) Am I being selfish, maybe, but its one less thing I have to do. Lost my aide in June, so have been bathing Mom. My back is paying for it. The daycare will do it. So once she is used to going, I may take advantage of that two. I found out long ago raising 2kids and working, I was not superwoman. I don't have the stamina. My RN daughter says eventually Mom will need longterm nursing. I just won't be able to care for her physically.
You and Mom don't have a choice. A child with challenges is enough on ur plate.
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AK, I wish I could offer some suggestions, but I think the advice you're taking from Windy and Eddie is probably the best. It seems your mother has decided she now can do what she no longer could manage and just can't be reached with reason. And of course she's taking it out on you.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is stay away, unless there's a possibility of changing her meds that could address what seems to be a new direction for her.

Another possibility is to tell her to just go ahead and do what she wants to do. No one is going to lend to an elder woman living in AL, no one will sell a car to her, and she won't be able to get a driver's license.

But she's in denial and won't believe it, so let the bank(s), car dealership(s), and others tell her what she won't believe from you.

In the meantime, enjoy what's left of these beautiful autumn days, wander around your garden, plan next year's garden, and just think of yourself for awhile.
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Must be the weather....I too, have decided to shut off my GIVE A D**N button and quit taking s**t off of my loved one. At least for a little while. She's been in one h*ll of a mood this last week and I will check for a UTI as so many of you people have mentioned how it can effect us. But it's been hard this week to decide who needs the Xanax most, me or her!
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Once again, this site has provided what I needed today. I have had a particularly bad last few weeks with my mother. She is in assisted living in my town (her choice to move her more than four years ago), but now she has decided that she wants to move back to her town and does not need help with anything anymore. Her plan is to buy a house and a car, get a new driver's license and do her own shopping, cooking and laundry. This from an 89 year old incontinent woman who cannot remember how to recharge her phone! I have been yelled at and hung up on for the past month, and it was really starting to get to me. Thank you Eddie and Windyridge. I plan to shut off my GIVE A D**N and stop taking s**t starting right now.
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This guided meditation helps me stay sane: youtube/watch?v=kt1opkV9FkY
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There's a lot to your question of "How do you stay sane?" because most of us are struggling with self-care along with parental care. To answer it, though, I am happy to say that MEDITATION and YOGA are what keep me sane. As difficult as it seems, quieting the mind (of worry, guilt, stress, doubts, flashbacks, resentment, anger... the list goes on) can be cleansing and restorative. I try to keep in mind the big picture: We're all here for a short time, each life is precious, and the key is to find the right balance between being compassionate to others as well as to ourselves. Balance, for me, means carving out precious time for myself, to do whatever I want, each day (except in emergencies, of course). I also have a plan for "when it's over," which sustains me during dark moments. This, too, shall pass!
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Yes. I have plan A and B. They both include asking her doctor today for an rx for Ativan. To bad I can't get any for myself! I wish taking her out the day of the move was an option but for a variety of reasons it just isn't. At least both my brothers will be there helping - hopefully she'll realize that if we all are participating that this is what needs to happen. But I'm probably kidding myself - I'm sure she'll blame me for what's happening.
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I don't want to offend anyone or get into psychological guesswork, but I think that a strong sense of self respect developed during childhood and adulthood is the foundation for taking stands that support individual action, resistance to being used, and wondering where to draw the line. I don't exclude myself and have been through this, including when working for aggressive attorneys who just pushed and pushed.

What I'm saying is that I think adding a lot of focus on each of us as individuals, as people who have our own rights as well as obligations to stand up for ourselves, with self respect and conviction, helps make that challenge of telling our loved one that some things just aren't going to be done, or if they are, it will be within a time frame that works for us as well as them.

And honestly, it was just as hard to navigate this type of self protection when working for aggressive attorneys as it was/is with family. Our parents don't fire us; employers do, and that can cause some serious trauma as well as emotional instability.
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Katie, try Michael's; they carry a variety of stones for decorative use. I actually think "worry stones" are just very highly polished, beautiful stones. It's part of their beauty and allure that I think provides the comfort.

Alternatively, some areas have periodic gem and jewelry expos. You could check through the roster of exhibitors beforehand to see if any will be selling worry stones.
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I will find a worry stone too. My mom is fighting dying and I fear hers will not be a peaceful passing. Hospice tells me it will be before the holidays. They have been on the case 2 weeks. Thsnk you for this support site!
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Rainmom - It's a matter of finding your "center" and the balm that keeps it from rocking. For GA it's gardens (good advice BTW, GardenArtist)...for bookluvr it is books, etc. - these things help you escape for just a little while and allow you to take a cleansing breath so you can come back rested and strong.

It is hard to override your parents - but it is harder to not intervene and watch a disaster happen. You pick your battles. Keeping strong in your heart that you're doing what is the best for your Mom will keep you at peace during her awful reaction.

Just a heartfelt suggestion: Don't skimp on yourself when it comes to taking care of you. I see that you're firmly sandwiched,,,,if you're like me, money & time can be tight. Try to do a little something for yourself every day...a good cup of coffee,,,an extra long view of a pretty tree out the window,,,locking yourself in the bathroom for 1 hour for a bubble bath and silence.....

Good luck & keep us posted!
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CarlaCB you are right about counselling, it is helpful. It is difficult for some to say NO but when you're pushed around by a parent you have to say NO at times. What I find interesting is the reaction from the parent when I do say NO.
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I have never been entirely sane either. I have a strong tendency to totter very near the edge - this was only diagnosed as a medical issue after my marriage broke up in 2002. Consequently, I had been on anti-depressants and sleep meds for 8 years before I started taking care of Mom.

That didn't entirely help with the stress of caregiving (although I shudder to think what might have happened without it). I have been in therapy with a counselor since 2012 - for me, that is the only thing that has helped me shut off my GIVE A D*MN (thanks Windy!).

You know the reason elderly people like their kids to take care of them (aside from the fact that we're free) is that they have such phenomenal control over us, even as adults. We are so loathe to overrule them, because of the long history of being under their authority. Many of us come into caregiving not even knowing that we can say "no" to a parent. In that sense, we are our own worst enemies. Counseling helped me get past that point and stop letting myself be manipulated by all my mother's machinations. I highly recommend it.
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Rainmom, have you already have Plan A and B on how you're going to get mom into the car/transport to go to the next facility? Is your mom medically declared incompetent? Do you have POA over her? I've read how some posters here did to get their parent into the facility. Usually, the person will take the parent out to lunch or shopping. On the way home, they stop by the facility and - Surprise - this is your new home. The facility usually gives the family a time period to stay away from the facility/parent so that the parent can become accustomed to living there, and meet new friends.

How did I stay sane before finding this site? I window shop on books at Amazon and BN. I would have this wish list in Microsoft Word. Then I would look for the books at flea markets and garage sales. (I now do it with ebooks wishlist.) And I would read books that were funny, fantasy (wizards, witches, elves, etc...), humorous books from westerns, novels, romance, mystery, sci-fi space, etc...

What helped me the most - was when fave sis would take me out to lunch at restaurants. I could never afford these on my own. I still cannot believe that she is willing to pay $15.00 per person at Ruby Tuesday for those mini burgers and a salad!

P.S... when I really was down and struggling with caregiving, work, life - I found myself singing over and over the Cristy Lane's chorus of One Day at a Time.
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By respecting myself. I'm no one's beast of burden and doormat. And I'm certainly beyond the caregiving phase of taking ____ from people just because I love them.
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It does get to you. The only thing we can do is say, "No, it will probably take the rest of the day to clean the gutters and get the water out of the basement." And of course, if it does only take a couple of hours, you've gained a bit of time with your hubby and son together.
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Okay so yesterday it rained here in Portland Or more in one day than it had for four years. Hubby was at work and I was home with our disabled son -who can't be left alone for more than s few minutes. So - the gutters clogged and a small lake developed in our front yard. I just had to watch as it grew. When hubby got home he discovered that water had leaked into our finished basement. This is where mom comes in. I was suppose to visit her today but since there was a break in the rain hubby needed to clean the gutters out and since I didn't think he should be up on the roof with no one home and all the water in the basement needed to be cleaned up - I called mom and explained the situation to her, saying I'll see her tomorrow. She replied "so that will take what, an hour?" Arrgggggg!!!!!
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Sanity has never been my strong suit. The most I can do is to try to stay back from the edge, which can be quite challenging. Something that helps me is to take one day at a time, knowing that something may be bad today, but it will pass. My mother may fight me with what I'm trying to do, but I know it will fall in line as it's needed. One thing I've learned as caregiver that has been very hard for me is to stick to my ideas of what is best. All my no's get challenged, but I keep saying no. If I make a logical plan, I stick to it the best I can.

You know that your mother needs a higher level of care and that the AL has requested that she move to it. You can tell your mother, "We have no choice. This is what we have to do." You'll know that your decision is good. She may oppose it, but will settle in after she has been there a while. I hope you can find just the right place for her, so she can still enjoy life while receiving good care.
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So I CANT force..........sorry
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How do you stay sane..........I'm not sure all of us started out sane but thats a whole other forum.

Sometimes you have to turnoff your GIVE A D*MN. Mine turns off pretty easily these days. I'm not implying you should ignore elders needs and neglect them but at some point you realise that with stubborn old folks major moves are going to be crisis driven.

When my parents care became my sole responsibilty few years ago I was in a freaked out state of mind for about 2 years, obsessing about every little thing, worrying about them constantly, and always second guessing myself. It didn't help that I didn't have a clue how to deal,with all this stuff.

But I'm better now. I try to convince them to do the right stuff but usually they don't. They are still legally competent so I can force major stuff like assited living on them. But soon there will be an even greater crisis than the last and things will change. I think we have to accept this reality to keep from going nuts.
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Mincemeat, I have worry stones too! I fell in love with rocks, precious stones and especially some of the more unique and beautiful ones after taking geology. Then one day at a Memorial Day fair someone was selling the most beautiful collections of stones and rocks, and I saw some that I just had to have. They were dubbed "worry stones". I'm not really sure what they were, but I think one was turquoise. There might have been a bit of quartz in a few of them as well.

They were sooooo beautiful. So I bought some. I don't know that they ever alleviated worry, but their beauty was entrancing.

I also have a lovely collection of marbles, cat's eyes and agates. I just love the colors. They're stunning in a clear vase, hiding the stems of silk flowers which of course match the color of the stones. It relaxes me when I look at them.

Back to the question of maintaining sanity, something else I use is a jar of cinnamon. Inhaling its spicy fragrance is so soothing and calming. It's great to bring along to the ER.
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I am finding a worry stone tomorrow. I like your idea, Mince.
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I REALLY stress out when dealing with my father (NPD, dementia) Sometimes I feel like a panic attack is going to happen.

This is going to sound so incredibly stupid...but here goes and I hope all the wise people on here don't ban me from the forum.

I have a "worry stone" I keep in my pocket any time I see him. I keep it in there and sometimes hold in my hand to remind myself to stay calm and to be in charge of the situation. Then when things get ugly I squeeze that rock in my pocket, go outdoors and take deep cleansing breaths. Here is your slightly insane, nut bird reply of the day! Be strong, you are in charge, not her.
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Thanks for your reply - lol, it's my only one so far. But that said I have been mesmerized by this site! I wish I knew of this place of knowledge, experience, comfort and support years ago! Silly me - I had no idea how many people are going through exactly what I am and how many people have much more difficult situations to deal with. I really feel for the caregivers who care for a parent(s) in their own homes. You all are braver than I!!! I've always known that would be beyond my capabilities. Anyhoo - thank you to whom ever established this place - in just the few days I've been here I have received great comfort in knowing I am not alone.
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I am dealing with a 91yr Mother. More or less in our home. She has her house right next door. We never got along greatl and now I am trying to deal with her Sundowners and depression. I can't help you with the staying sane. It's been ten years off and on for me. I just now am realizing I need support. My mother has always been the strong one, taking care of her grand mother, sister and my father. Now she's angry at herself for needing help. I have to take long walks and cry alot myself. It's hard, hope and faith are what holds me together...so far.
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The resistance of an elder to moving to a safer and more appropriate facility is I think one of the dilemmas many caregivers face. I don't know of any answer; I'm still dealing with it. Sometimes it takes a more serious accident before our elders will be more willing to consider other alternatives.

As to coping, after you've read more of the posts here you'll find that coping is really a challenge. `Some folks plead and plead and become exasperated. Some become more forceful and make the plans, than bring their elder along to the new place despite strong resistance, and perhaps the knowledge that the elder is going to be very angry at his/her son or daughter. Others just can't convince their elder to move to a safer place, and end up spending a lot of time worrying and anxious that something drastic will happen. And often it does.

Others, like me, try to make the home more accommodating and institute safety and backup measures for solo living. Some bring their elders to live with them. Some move in to live with their elders.

I think what we all have to do is find ways to at least mentally escape from the caregiving world and take refuge in something that provides peace and solace. For me it's gardening, dreaming and designing beds I'll probably never create just to rechannel my thoughts into something positive. Music helps a lot as well.

And I try to remember that I'm hopefully providing my parent with levels of comfort, support and caring that ease his life, as he's actually facing more challenges than I am.

Many caregivers I think do take comfort and solace from knowing that they're providing their parent or spouse with support during perhaps the most challenging period in their lives.

Equally challenging is turning caregiving into a venture in which we can learn from our experiences while providing comfort to our loved one.

I wish there were an easy answer but there isn't.

Hopefully others will share their methods of coping to help you on your journey.
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We don't all stay sane.... some of us have a high threshold on things like this... some of us don't. We just trudge through day by day.

As for your Mom, either she is really angry at herself for the fall that has now changed her lifestyle, or maybe she had fallen more times then she admitted and one of those falls she had hit her head. My Mom went from someone very sharp at 97 to someone who is very befuddled all from a fall where she had hit her head and did some serious damage.

Maybe others here can give you ideas on how to get Mom to move to her new place since she is digging in her heels.
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