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Hello everyone just to update my mom condition after two strokes is starting to decline her health further because a few months back in end of may she took a blood test and the health care provider said she might have a blood clot but needed to confirm that with a ultrasound! I tried to encourage her that things would be ok and I would take her to the place for the test. So she scheduled it and then puts it off over and over and tells me she has trust issues with her young doctor since her previous doctor she loved retired who didn’t really get to see her as much but recommended test and she never completed them! So now the clot is making things worse she can’t walk and has breathing problems and pain in her legs and feet. We had emts come to help many times cause of falls and we trying to get her up from bed. It’s only me and my dad who’s also had his share of heart attack and stroke. My own health with back problems which I want do rehab myself. I’ve started to talk to her doctor since she has short term memory loss and not able to remember what day it is and what time it is and plus vision loss as she saids things seem darker to her. I asked the doctor to see if she can get home health care to help us out because me and my dad both gotta help her with going to the bathroom in the portable toilet or i myself gotta guide her to a regular bathroom. When the paramedics came last time she puts on a good show and saids she is ok and refused to get medical treatment and will not go to er at the clinic or hospital care. But the other day she talked about going into a rehab center to get help for her muscle issues but refuses to see she has blood clot cause she can’t get her legs to move and feels them getting numb. So she hits and rubs them trying to get circulation going. I” am at the point where if the health home care does call that me and my dad will tell them that she needs this help even if she doesn’t agree to it. It’s only temporary fix with a lady touch to help her get to the bathroom and be able to help her wash and bath with help. But my question remains how do I bring up the subject of asking her to take a test for dementia she clearly thinks that she is ok or some moments she realizes she isn’t ok. It’s driving me crazy as a caregiver. Any tips or suggestions on how you folks brought up the subject. Also my dad is trying to see how to sign her up for Medicare and advise them of her short term memory problems so she can still get extra care. She is 66 and turned down the care last year as i stated in previous post! Money isn’t the problem I think she doesn’t think very rational she saids she wants to go to her next appointment but may blow it off! So any advice would be helpful and appreciated. The paramedic advised us to contact her health care provider to get further assistance and options for her since we can’t convince her to leave the house. She has a case manager with the health care provider but sadly she has to decide her fate somehow. I feel she is going in out of common sense and sometimes is up late nights and into the the morning which is burning me and dad out. One moment she is mad and upset with me cause I’m tired and cussed at me then she is nice again! So that’s my situation at the moment and thank you for all your advice!

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My mom is a severe alcoholic and has had BAC of 4.08 and 3.57. I think one of these times she had a stroke (shows up via a MRI). She got a DUI and hit and run at 83 yrs old and had to move in with us. Her house also a shambles as had a sewer leak in the house that didn't know about (not sure how she couldn't smell it as my brother said he smelled it when he walked in). Anyways, my brothers finally on same page and while she was living with me and my husband signed her up for medical. got her to go to Neurologist and Neuropsychologist by telling her we needed to find out what was causing the memory issues and how to help her with the issues. Has been diagnosed with alzheimers. Unfortunately the next step isn't so easy as she refuses to stay or move into an assisted living facility. 3 medical professionals have all said not safe for her to live at home alone and did not recommend home care. She has over 3200 sf home 2 story on 1/3 acre lot (with HOA so has to keep yard up or else plus she is still on the committee that enforces that in her community so looks bad if she doesn't). Have DPOA but you still can't force people to move without additional legal steps - at least here in Washington state. Found out she ridiculed her friends who moved into retirement homes. I new she had been saying she wasn't leaving her home. So just recommend trying to get her to have evaluation and then be prepared for more to deal with. Best of luck to you.
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Mom is still in the hospital, yes?

Wants to go home, right?

"She had refused to talk to anyone at the hospital but yet wants to go home"

Mom is not understanding her situation. No blame. The mix of current uti & blood clot, previous strokes & diabetes.
Confusion would be expected. (Or 'lack of insight').

Whether dementia is also present is unclear at this stage. (Note: stroke survivors have a high risk of Vascular Dementia).

Your Father will need make decisions for her at this stage.

Have you & Dad discussed her recovery with her Doctor?

Have you & Dad discussed where to after hospital with the hospital Social Worker?

I would be waiting out this 'acute' illness stage. Then push for rehab for Mom to regain her strength. After that, home if she has regained enough strength & health - or if not, an alternative like skilled nursing care.

Give Mom the best chance to get back home. But be realistic.
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I agree with the paramedics advice. She may not wish to return to a hospital for any testing or treatment and you should discuss with her case manager whether it is time to move into hospice or palliative care situation. If she is still competent to make this decision it is hers to make. If she is no longer competent but is not diagnosed then you will need to tell her that without a good diagnosis of where she is at baseline, she cannot continue to live with and be cared for by you; that you need to know whether she needs full time 24/7 care or not. That her choices are simple: either move into a nursing home and make own decisions, or go for a neuro checkup to make certain things are stable.

Up to you really what you will put up with. Once you take a senior into your own home this is often where it ends up. Not sure what else I can tell you but that you are going to have to be honest and insistent with her.
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Beatty Sep 2023
Solid advice.

To add on, be honest with Mom, but ALSO the OP & her Dad be honest with themselves, with how much they can do.

The feeling to wrap someone up & bring them home because they ask to come home is strong.
Love is not enough.
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Chances are, you won't need to "convince" or worse, "trick," Mom into getting evaluated for ALZ. It may be better if you don't even mention this. If she has an appointment already for diabetes, a blood clot, or anything, the physician will most likely look for symptoms of ALZ too, (esp. if you clue him in privately about your concerns.)

Mom may wonder why he is asking her such "unimportant" questions as What is the day and date today? Often the Doctor will give her five words and tell her he will ask her about them later. It is done matter-of-factly, but is actually rudimentary testing for ALZ. If she is hospitalized for the blood clot or its effects, he or the nursing staff may notice signs of dementia. She is certainly due for exhaustive medical exam since her mental symptoms may be due physical illness.
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The paramedics gave her sugar medication and OJ + kidneys not working well + numbness in her lower legs... so is your Mom diabetic?

I tried reading through all the posts and responses below and just found a description of her symptoms but not the word "diabetic".

At 66, the type of dementia she would most likely have is ALZ (like my cousin started to show clear signs of by age 68). But this doesn't account for her other medical problems. Diabeties can create dementia-like symptoms. Is your Mom also obese?

With all the info and responses provided, do you now have a different question for us about your Mom's care, other than focusing on a dementia test?
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Cutlass101 Sep 2023
Yes one last question she is now in the hospital and has gone through having oxygen and then food through a tube and now is off both of them but is now refusing to do rehab care or therapy to help her get out of the bed at the hospital. She had refused to talk to anyone at the hospital but yet wants to go home. She seems at first to be ok but then is confused as to where she is and what’s going on. Me and my dad try to tell her she is in the hospital and they giving her antibiotics for a uti which we are not sure she is fully cured of that issue. But the doctor suggested my dad get power of attorney for her so he can decide the best treatment and possibly a nursing home which we can’t afford and not sure if her health care provider will pay on it or not but the social worker suggested it as well. So the hospital is trying to find out why she is confused and such. And I’m not a doctor but from everything I’ve read here and on the internet she has dementia or Alzheimer’s and they need to diagnose her as I told one of the doctors I was gonna try to get her memory care ordered by her doctor before she got real sick which at the time she was maybe gonna do. My question is as the hospital tries to try find out what’s going on with her do we go forward with power of attorney and if they say she needs nursing home care what programs would we have to seek? Since she doesn’t have Medicare until January we will be able to sign her up and she can’t qualify for Medicaid because she is beyond the threshold of income. My dad is saying if we can’t afford nursing home care that we bring her home and I’m thinking if he has poa then he can get home care for her through the healthcare provider and other programs as a option. I’ve never been through this before and it’s gonna be tough decisions coming down the road. The hardest thing to deal with is she not able to do daily activities and take care of herself as my dad reminded the social worker and doctors and it is me and dad are the only two that take care of her needs. He’s had his share of health issues in the past. Myself I’d like to get back to rehab and get a job and move forward with life. She is unable to think clearly for herself health wise and is confused and thinking that we trying to hold her against her will which is far from true. Calling us from the hospital and has short term memory issues. So any advice would be appreciated and thank you for reading my post past and present!
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I haven’t read the whole thread, but have you just asked them? “It would be good if you had a full work-out about how ageing has affected you now, and what the future will probably hold”?

I wouldn’t be offended if either of my daughters said this to me. It's not a loaded question!
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Does anyone have her POA for health? If so have them call 911, and say, something like "I am her husband. I have POA, she is not thinking clearly and she needs to go to the hospital for evaluation" see if that works.
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Cutlass101 Sep 2023
Thank you for the advice and it did happen Saturday morning cause Friday night the paramedics told her she needed to go to the hospital cause her oxygen was low and she couldn’t get off the chair to use the portable toilet. So the paramedics said next time we call since it’s been five times we have called over the past 3 months that they will have no choice but to take her cause as it gets lower she could have another stroke or organ failure! So Saturday morning it happened she was not able to communicate clearly to me or dad. The paramedics came and gave her sugar medication and orange juice with added sugar and candy to get anything to make her sugar level go beyond 57 to about 80 something. But she had no choice but to go. To update she’s there at the hospital being treated for fluid in the body and they put her on oxygen tank then to a mask which was heart breaking the other day. Now she off the mask and still tired and talks a little but comes in and of consciousness and on top of that has bad Dreams and wakes up calling for me or dad thinking she gonna fall out the bed. So it’s hard but we gonna get her going and perhaps if not rehab then a memory facility but for most we won’t be able to get her Medicare until January and maybe they can evaluate her as well. Lastly only thing I will ask the doctor is if she wants to come home after she gets a little better then I’m try to have her doctor at the hospital get in contact with her primary doctor at the healthcare provider to sign her up for home aid! Cause me and dad had a very hard time trying to get her needs met. Before she went into the hospital her stupid provider told her primary doctor that she would need to ask for a home aid through talking with her primary doctor even though at the time she wasn’t thinking rationally enough to even call and kept putting off doctor appointments which brought this on. Tragically to say i lost my cousin to this at the same time my mom went in the hospital who was a few years older then me she refused doctor and stopped eating and passed away from heart attack. So when people make bad choices and unable to think clearly for themselves someone has to step in. Even though the same thing happened my cousin refused to go to the hospital and there isn’t a lot time to help someone if they having a heart attack. I wish i could of saved her as well but her case was harder due to depression of being left alone by a guy she married from another country! I can’t even tell my mom right now because she needs time to recover and i gotta run things so I won’t be able to make my cousins funeral but I have my regards to my aunt and uncle who are devastated to lose their daughter! So I just wanted to fill you in. Thanks for your advice this website helps a lot! I’m running things at home at the moment but have to take it slow and see how things go thanks
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You need a dr for the blood clot. You already know she has some form of dementia, so no real point in having a dr diagnose that. She has it. Next time you call EMT's, explain away from them that she has memory loss and has ability to sound quite coherent when new people in the home. Tell them about blood clot and that she needs to go to ER. At that point, you can find out how much damage there is due to the clot and get her on meds for it.

The change in sleep pattern is common w/dementia. When she get wound up late in the evening, it's called sundowning. Very common. Dr may be able to add an anxiety or sleep med to help her, and you, get some rest.

At 66, why isn't she already on Medicare? Did you mean to say you're trying to get her on Medicaid? Medicaid has really low income limits so that my determine if she's eligible or not. You can look limits up online for your state. In-home care will be limited, so be prepared that it might be time to hire your own in-home help.
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Cutlass101 Sep 2023
Thanks for the answers. She turned 65 last year and my dad got her setup to talk to a representative from Medicare and soon as the day came she talked to the rep and soon as she heard the price she said no and that she has no social security because she worked for the government. At that point both me and dad should have known dementia was creeping in which comes with confusion and unable to understand why she needs things. She is on a government healthcare sponsored by office of private management being she was a government worker at one time but however that doesn’t last forever. So we gonna try again around January of 2024 to get her signed up and to let them know of her status of short term memory disability and perhaps dementia there, To update since she is refusing medical treatment from emts and she had issues getting out of a chair so I had to call 911 last night and I told them she could have dementia and was acting confused and doesn’t want medical treatment. The ent took her oxygen level and found that it’s down to 84 percent and tried to talk her into getting treatment but she still said no. So they told us that she had been given too many chances and the next call they will have no choice but to take her in. Because she is losing oxygen which could cause another stroke or heart attack but as all here have said sometimes people gotta hit the wall to realize they need help and then they got no choice but to get help or die. So I’m waiting on the last shoe to drop and I will tell the 911 operator what the paramedic told us cause she has taken to many chances as is. As for Medicaid if she making a retirement income of 6000 a month they may say no to her but that’s good thought last resort. I’m on Medicaid myself I know they got certain limits of salary you gotta make nothing to get it. But if Medicare fails then yes we will try Medicaid thanks for the suggestion.As for the home health care she has a chance to get it through her provider! But the point is as her doctor told me she has to be the one to ask for it through a personal appointment with the doctor or video call. Which right now as i mentioned in the post she not thinking rational enough to do that. Her doctor also mentioned to me to try call 911 to get her help. She also signed her up for a memory care program to see if that would help her far as by phone then in person and they put her on a waiting list so kinda sucks. But in the meantime she needs treatment so pray for me and when it happens she will hopefully get the help she needs. Thanks for replying to my post.
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I believe your involvement/decision making depends on what legal documents you have in order, along with an MD / medical provider diagnosis that your mom can no longer make decision in her best interest (due to dementia).

I realize that you are asking how how you proceed / get your mom to an MD when she doesn't want to go. My experience suggests that NO ONE wants or is eager to get a dementia diagnosis ... to hear that they do not have control over the life any longer nor can make decisions about what they do in their life.

People make decisions based on (one or more)
* feeling overwhelmed, depressed, suicidal 'tired of living"
- She may need medication adjustment
* Not caring about their self anymore (above)
* Brain chemistry changes (dementia) and they cannot make decisions any longer.
* Yes, she will be mad, cuss at you, complain - she is SCARED and FEARFUL of the unknowns - which are here now.

How do you handle these emotional outbursts? You first educate yourself in dementia and behavior - and then you feel compassion for the person knowing they cannot help how they are. This awareness will 'ease' your emotional reaction although likely not completely. It is not easy to navigate.

* You do not argue (ever).
- You listen, you offer reflective listening ("I hear you saying xxx")
- You do not try to convince as this is a losing battle.

* You leave - for a minute to an hour to a 1/2 day or a few days.
- You get caregivers in to give yourself a respite.

* You might / need to see an attorney / someone who sets up legal documentation to ensure you are the decision maker (for her).
- You need legal advice.

* Rather than knock your head against a wall over and over again, you learn to realize that you can do 'just so much' and then the chips fall where they may - or in another way, how she decides is left in God's hands - not yours.

* You take care of yourself - you can easily - if not already - can fall apart and let yourself suffer. You need to take care of your emotional health / well being (exercise, get out and walk, go to the park - something). Move ... yoga, jogging, dancing. Meditate ... eat right.

If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to support the best care for your mother.

Find / develop your support systems / neetworks. i.e., Next Door, church, meet-ups, therapist, group support through dementia association.

Study up on dementia with TEEPA SNOW. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and how to interact / work with the changing brain. When you understand your mom cannot help how she is due to her brain changing, you will shift into an OBSERVER mode vs a daughter trying / wanting to have a conversation with her mother about the best way to proceed.

As an OBSERVER, you can make clear(er) decisions on what YOU do -
(as outlined above).

This is not easy to do. We care about our loved ones. We want to do the best for them and we want them to do the best for themselves.

P.S. When my companion-friend of 20+ years likely had a stroke, he didn't want the paramedics to take him to the hospital. They asked me if I was his POA. As I was, they said to him "She made this decision so we need to take you to get checked out." He had a stroke. He soon after went into a nursing home. He did not return home (he was in two nursing homes over the last two years of his life). So... having this 'legal authority' matters.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Cutlass101 Sep 2023
Thank you miss touch for the advice. You are so right on so many levels. First I will take your advice and on listening and not argue with her cause it’s a losing battle. I had the paramedics come the other night cause she couldn’t get out of a chair to use the portable toilet. So the paramedics helped her to use it and then get her back to her seat. They took her oxygen level and said it was down to 84 percent when it’s supposed be in the 90s or higher. They tried to talk her into going but she said no. So the paramedic told me and my dad that the next time we call we let the operator know that she has been given too many chances and will have to be taken to hospital due to her condition. Any she has been checked by a lot of paramedics over past two months. So it could happen at anytime. Far as legal documents go only thing I have right now is life insurance policy and how much money I’d be giving when she passes away! I should have had her make a will or poa when she was well. My grandma was the same no will just life insurance and retirement money which she left to my uncle before he passed away. His son took the money and gave it to some woman and it was unknown what happened after that. But as for myself I look forward to doing a will at some point! Your right I need to make sure I take care of myself as well I got doctors appointments coming up in October and November. I enjoy getting out to get my medication and shop just to get a break from being at home and constantly trying to take care of her while my needs be put on the shelf. I will also check on the information about the person who is expert at knowing more about dementia and I’ll check out support groups as well. I’m glad i joined this network support group when I did. Lastly this is true we want the best care for our love ones and I tried to tell her to take some value in her life. But now I see no matter what I say she isn’t going to understand because she can’t help it. So I have to accept that factor and as you say let the lord do his will cause she making her own choices. Sorry to hear about your friend but I get what you saying tho wishing I could have setup the poa sometime ago now she can’t sign or see things or think clearly but I know things gotta work out at some point. Thank you miss touch and godbless you. Keep me and my family in prayer.
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Cutlass101: The blood clot is a medical emergency. It must be addressed immediately via a call to 911. She should have been Medicare eligible at age 65.
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Cutlass101 Sep 2023
Well llamlover it turned out to be a lot fluid in the body and bad kidneys and oxygen low. I ended up calling 911 twice once Friday 2am going into Saturday 7am there after cause her symptoms got worse. She is now at the hospital getting treatment and was on oxygen mask yesterday which made me cry cause she was not able to breathe on her own. But she recovering and they took her off the ventilator today and she is still having memory issues and being tired in and out of consciousness. Dreaming that she falling out of bed. All we can do is try to comfort her. As for the question about Medicare last year she turned it down because she thought it was expensive and she thought she was covered by office of personnel management since she was a government employee. Plus maybe a splash dementia starting. So this year since she is no longer able to decide for herself completely my dad contacted Medicare directly and talked to them about her short term memory problems and she won’t be able to sign up until January and will pay 10 percent penalty for not signing up. Perhaps they will evaluate her and be able to understand and sign her up and we help get her account setup to pay. She needs this coverage since more things could come up. Lastly while she recovers I can’t tell her that her cousin and mine has past away because it would crush her and cause further trauma and it happened while she was going to hospital later that day. Almost the same situation my cousin refused medical treatment and didn’t want to see a doctor and had serious depression. She was having a heart attack and didn’t want treatment but her parents called anyway but it was to late. Just heartbreaking but it tells a real tale of tragedy when you refuse treatment and not trying to take care of themselves. So thanks for the questions any further advice is always appreciated. Also hoping to have home aid from healthcare provider cause if she decides to come home I don’t want dad and I to do the caregiving alone. So I’ll be asking her doctor at the hospital to help me and dad because her provider wanted to have her ask her primary doctor to set it up but at the time she was unable to care or think for herself so it was out
of the question and may still be an issue. So I’ll keep ya posted and thanks for your questions!
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When a patient performs miracle personality changes, that's called, "show timing." The only way to prove these performances is to have a witness or, better yet, video the performance(s). Get out your video tools and present them to a neurologist or Adult Protection Services (APS).

Set up Zoom meetings if at all possible.
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Mom has signs of Dementia before her fall with her head being involved and stitches. After her Dementia accelerated. I did not ask her if she wanted to go to a Neurologist, I just took her. TG she loved him and he was so kind. He gave her a short test, which she did well on. I sat behind her and when he asked her a question and she answered, he would look at me for confirmation. I took along a list of what had observed. I made it 1, 2, 3 and one line, double spaced, 14 easy to read font and one side. He referred to those notes. I never told Mom we were seeing a doctor until she was dressed and ready to get into the car. If she asked before I told her.
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Sadly, you or any other family will most often be met with the resistance you face from your mother. Having her PCP refer her to a rehab facility for a period of time is actually not a bad idea to consider. It will give her 24/7 care, rehab from many perspectives and, including staff to observe her mental status and cognitive abilities ( dementia assessment included). They can give a more complete current " level of care needs assessment" and everyone can go from there with options. Meanwhile you and your father get a much needed REST and respite from the situation you describe. Be sure all POA decisions and papers are in place. Call her PCP today about the rehab facility placement. Do not let them talk you into rehab coming to the house. If you think your mother has any change in status call 911, insist that they transport her to ER and go from there to get her admitted either to hospital or rehab ...
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It sounds like you are dealing with three or four separate issues, and each has a reasonably simple answer if you look at each separately. I own a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL, and I deal with issues like these!

Let's tackle the young doctor first. Would you make your mom go to a restaurant she didn't like? Of course not! So why are you forcing her to go to a doctor she doesn't like? Find a new doctor! Hopefully, that will be a big step forward toward resolving her health issues.

Getting mom to accept Home Healthcare is a bit trickier, but if you stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her, looking at the world from her perspective, you may see the answer unfold on its own.

The thing about home healthcare is nobody wants it. Nobody wants to feel like they are dependent on someone else, are losing their freedom, and can't take care of themselves anymore. Mom has to decide she needs someone on her own. There are many types of conversations you could have with her, but this one works very well most of the time:

Sit mom down and tell her "X" wants her to have a helper, and the helper will start in two weeks. "X" can be the insurance company, her doctor, the church, or whatever will give the conversation credibility. (If you feel you would be lying to your mom, ask "X" first, they will say yes.) Now, it's not you or Dad who is forcing her to get home healthcare; it's "X" giving her a helper. (See the difference?)

She's still going to be resistant, so don't worry about that. The next question is, "What kind of help would you like the helper to help with?" Whatever she says is PERFECT! Write it down exactly, don't be judgemental, don't argue, and don't say that's not the helper's job! Just listen! If she says things like take care of Dad, clean the garage, or re-roof the house, it's not a problem. If she says things like emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen, or helping in the shower, you are off to a fast start. Going back to cleaning the garage.... we will need to narrow that down a bit, so the next question is, "Mom, what could the helper do to make your life a little bit easier?"

Notice, we are having a slow and easy CON-VER-SATION! You may be leading the conversation, but Mom is in charge. On your part, all there is to do is to listen and ask the next question. If she's not in the mood to have the conversation today, no worries; you can come back to it tomorrow. NEVER ARGUE!

At some point, she may get worried, upset, or even curious about who the helper will be. Calmly reassure her that it's just a few hours and a few days as a trial (then we will report back to "X" and reevaluate).

Pro Tip: People our parent's age (especially if they come from affluence) are used to having "people" in the house. It's rarely an issue of having people; it's almost always an issue of trust or fear of losing their independence.

If you did a reasonably good job of having your Mom see the benefit of having a helper, now you have two weeks to find that "mythical" person. I know the naysayers will say it's impossible, but I promise there are good agencies out there and great caregivers! You need to know how to screen them.

You know all the questions to ask. Assuming you will private pay, the first question to ask is if the agency takes Medicare or Medicaid. If they say yes, hang up! Next, read them the list you made with Mom (including cleaning the garage) and ask them if they have caregivers who will be okay with that work. Finally, you want to find out if they will send the same caregiver or a different one every shift. If mom only wants an "X," and they say they might send an "X, Y, or Z" they are not the right agency for you. (In my company, our view is the client is inviting a guest into their home. They get "X") Ask if you can interview the candidate and find out what happens if Mom isn't happy.

Pro Tip: Never hire private aides. They don't come with a guarantee.

I am out of space... I hope that helps. ~BRAD
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anonymous1732518 Sep 2023
Keep her out of AL and/or NH
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Your mother might need something more than Home Health Care. Home Health Care is something you arrange and pay for; it is not ordered by the doctor not is it covered by Medical Insurance unless she has been in the hospital at least three days. If she is on Medicaid, the rules about Home Health will depend upon what your state allows. Other than that you can hire someone anytime you want to and it sounds like your mother needs more care and intervention than you and your Dad can handle.
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I began participating with my mom to her PCP and other doctor appointments when she was in her late 60's but still working and very mentally active - she did her own stock assessments, then contact her financial planner to place the buys and sells.
We, my brother, sister, mom and I, discussed the value of having one of us participate in these visits and reached an agreement. She/We understood that 2 heads were better than 1 to try to recollect concerns and questions at these visits.
I've said it before and I will continue to say it, our parents and we their children at some point need to stop acting in parent/child dance. We need to assert our adult status and help them like us as adults who are their to protect and help them just like they did when we were children. Not that our parents are children. The relationship needs to be respectful as adult to adult.
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Hire a elder attorney and get their advice. Is your father willing to sign so you can become POA, Healthcare and Financial POA to make decisions on their behalf? You are in a situation if it's been over a year to get her to an ER and let them know all that is taking place and ask for a social worker. I know when my MIL went to the doctor they had an ambulance come and admit her to the hospital. A blood clot can turn deadly for your mom. Does your father have any say? Is he doing what your mom wants? Id throw up my hands and say, I can't do it anymore and leave. They will have no choice to get help or go to hospital. Why hasn't she signed up for Medicare? She is going to have to pay penalties for anytime when she turned 65 until when she signs up. That's crazy! Unless she is wealthy! You do not have to feel guilty as your parents are being unreasonable. Its due to the disease. You have to realize you're the parent now and their health and safety is the most important thing right now. You can't continue to do this alone. Tough Love is needed. You need expert advice and professional care regarding their health and care. Get a different doctor or clinic. A geriatric doctor is the Best for them now. Good Luck! Remember you are not any good to them if your health is suffering. You may be the one ending up in a hospital.
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We got mil to do dementia testing. She refused saying we wanted to put her in a nursing home. I said that we were wanting to see if there were drugs that could help her with memory. She saw the sense in that and agreed, as she knew there were issues with her memory. The medicine helped her memory for the last few months of her life.
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Go see her Doctor with her - Before the Visit tell the doctor you need help and if a social worker can get Involved at the Visit . This Gives you an extra Person to help advise her . Have the Doctor send a VNA Nurse to your home so that person can witness what is Happening with the Clot and report back to the doctor . Ask the Doctor to give her a Pre cog test . At some Point get a Neurologist referral But the clot is More important .
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My situation may have been different, but I avoided using the word dementia or any thing like that. I simply informed my wife that our family doctor had made an appointment for us to see a gerontology group because of our advancing age. The doctors there took it from there.
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There are falls and episode where you can call EMS and have her transported to ER. If you have to LIE and say she is confused, combative, whatever, then DO SO.
Your mother needs both physical and mental diagnosis as to what is happening to her and so do you, and sadly she likely will require placement as she gets too difficult to deal with. Whether her strokes have caused her mental incapacity or whether she has dementia (or BOTH), SOMETHING is very wrong here both mentally and physically, and if this "new young doctor" is ignoring all of this with no diagnosis then you and Dad are going to have to go rouge to get one!

As soon as she is at hospital get social workers involved to tell them that you are getting no medical support, that your mother has no diagnosis of severe physical and mental changes and that must stop now. Tell them that they can either help you get the consults and diagnosis you need or they can deal with getting a state guardianship for a woman who has lost her mental capacity and is diagnosed with a probable and untreated "clot".

Sorry, but you are going to have to become the squeaky wheel from Hades to get this done.
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Bonanzatree Aug 2023
Lie? If she has those conditions, why would you have to lie? They would be apparent.
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Does she realize this blood clot can kill her if it goes to her heart? Not being able to reason is a sign of Dementia probably caused by the strokes. This blood clot could cause her to become a vegetable and then she will spend her days in care.

I am pretty sure it was explained that Medicare is not an option, per se. If she does not sign up at 65, there are penalties. I guess she is not on SS because Medicare is automatic at 65 if u started receiving ur SS payments prior to 65.
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It sounds like your mother does have a blood clot in her leg. A blood clot is a very, very serious condition and needs IMMEDIATE medical attention as the blood clot could travel to your mother’s lung and her heart. Call 911 immediately and get your mother to the ER as this is a life-threatening situation.
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Contact a Medicare broker to get her signed up. This needs to happen.

You won't be able to force her to get any medical care if she doesn't have a legal representative like a PoA or guardian. This should also happen before she gets a cognitive exam.

If you are willing to be her PoA (it will be easier/cheaper to get this done online through Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com), then you will need to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to see a doctor: "Mom, you'll get free healthcare with Medicare and once you sign up you will need to have an intake physical to get your benefits activated." Whatever doctor she picks, whatever fib she'll believe -- whatever it takes to get her in to be assessed for her clotting problem, and discretely given a cognitive/memory test, and also checked for other common problems like a UTI, thyroid function, vitamin deficiency, etc.

If your Mom does indeed have dementia or cognitive impairment from the stroke, she can no longer use logic and reason to convinced to do anything in her best interests. She also is less and less able to have empathy for other people's burdens in providing her care. From now on therapeutic fibs is how you will get her to do anything. It is moral and ethical since you are trying to get her the help she needs.

If you can help get these things in place you will have a much better chance of helping her.
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Who's in charge here? Mom, Dad or you?

Mom needs an urgent ultrasound to look for a blood clot? But ahe won't go, is that right?

So she doesn’t seek medical help... May or may not have a blood clot, may or may not get a PE or Stroke. May or may not get ill, disabled or even die.

Does she understand this? Be able to weigh this up & decide for herself? Is she stating clearly she wants 'no more medical treatment'? Is happier for Mother Nature to take over?

If she does NOT understand, is NOT clear about 'no treatment' then who is the responsible person to decide instead. Dad? Or you? Who will take over?

If you & you decide FOR treatment, either bribe her to get to the appointment or call EMS again & inform them Mom has dementia (un dx as yet) but lacks capacity to understand such matters or decide for herself.
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Cutlass101 Aug 2023
Thanks Beatty for the tip this may have to be done because she is not taking it seriously enough and is saying to wait to see what happens. I spoke with her doctor today and she saids try to get her to er at the clinic or call Ems. Which I then explained to her the last time I called she put on a good show by saying everything was ok after having a fall from us trying to lift her up from the bed. The paramedics said they can’t take her against her will and that we should contact her health care provider to get more options. In which I was sourly disappointed because they said I need her to call to get a referral from the doctor for home and health care aid and also have set up a call to the health care provider to get her evaluated from a memory program cause of her issues. I don’t think she will agree to it so I’m do what you say the next emergency I’m going mention the dementia issues cause she keeping me up at night and morning so at some point we gonna have no choice. Something has to give and sadly I hope it’s not gonna cost her life for sure but thank you for the advice it’s just me and dad in charge! Nobody else at this point.
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I skimmed your past posts. What has changed since Aug 2022 when you first started posting? Good suggestions were given in response to your past posts. Have you followed any of them?

You are 46 years old, unemployed, with back problems (and an ear problem was mentioned in one post). So you have no income coming in. Do you have health insurance?

You should be earning money and establishing your own financial future. It seems that you are sacrificing yourself now for your parents. What is the end game for you?
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Cutlass101 Aug 2023
Thank you for responding and yes the one thing I did do from suggestion in previous post was I contacted the department of aging in my area and was given advice to sign my mom up for Medicare and that my dad try to tell them that she has short term memory issues and some cognitive issues since she decided not to get the program. Also the person at the department advised that I try to get her tested for dementia which is gonna be hard as hell cause denial is real. But the Medicare department will ask to evaluate her first since she hasn’t been tested for dementia and such.Since the previous post I’ve been trying to do what can given the circumstances i”am dealt with.Since the previous post her condition is getting worse and I also contacted her doctor for medication refills and advised her of the situation in which she has referred us to home and healthcare company who can hopefully assist her properly in the meantime with personal hygiene and such.I do have health insurance with Medicaid in which I gotta take care of somethings like my tinnitus and back problem if given the chance and I’m just have to take it but it’s rather complicated sometimes when doing everything and some nights my mom doesn’t sleep like she should. Talking about hearing noises from bugs and such. So taking care of me gets put on the back burner but at some point I got to get things under control and back to my life for sure. I do have doctors appointments for my ear and general health hopefully I can make them once this situation is handled if I get help that is. My endgame plan is for to help my parents get some peace and move on with their lives hopefully and i myself get to go back to work and make a life for myself if possible but it’s been a hell of a road for me and family. And to give you a small background history right into the pandemic my mom had two strokes but she chose to skip the hospital rehab out of fear which in turn as I recovered from a back injury with some minor pain and needed rehab for myself still and was just about to look for work 4 years have passed and it’s been crazy. Home health has rehab programs to help her at home but as I seen it wasn’t enough for her and she admitted that she needs to be at a rehab center but first she gotta take care of the underlying health issues. Would I make the same choices she has hell no I would keep my mask on and spray with lysol and do what needs to be done taking care of one’s self! Because I know what it feels like to go through taking care of someone or someone’s and I don’t want burden my family this way! So wish me the best and if you got any advice and experiences feel free to share thanks!
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