My mom has always been very dependent on others and never tried to do things on her own. I think it’s because my dad did eveything for her. He did all the driving so I think she expects her kids to pick up where he left off. He died years ago. My mom is in very good health. Perfectly able to drive and do things on her own. She chooses not to. She gets very angry at me if I can’t make it to a dinner because she always has plans for me to drive her to 50 places after the dinner. I can always tell when she has a bunch of errands she wants me to do after a get together because she will ask me repeatedly if I’m going and then guilt trip me by saying things like "we haven’t had a large get together with all of us for awhile." The other day my sis planned a get together with about 10 people. My mom asked if I was going. I told her no because I was working a ton of over time to pay for my cat's medical bills and I had house repairs I still needed to do, had my own dr. appointments and I was exhausted. I think she was angry at me bc she had plans for me to drive her all over town running her errands after the dinner. She has been ignoring me now just because I said I can’t go bc I have been working OT, running my cat to his drs. all the time, etc. She had my two other sisters there. For some reason she only gets angry at me and not my other two sisters when they can’t do something for her. I also noticed she would sometimes invite me over to watch a game only so sis could ask me to take her grocery shopping after or to Walgreens or to get her money orders etc. so I stopped going to her place to watch games recently bc I don’t feel like being her personal taxi cab every time I see her. Sometimes I just want to see her to see how she is. Not to be her personal assistant. My mother's health is excellent. She is perfectly capable of driving, working, volunteering, traveling, doing anything she wants. But she chooses to sit at home in her tiny apartment and never go anywhere unless one of her kids drives her. She has cancelled dr. appointments bc we weren’t able to take her. She told me she tells her dr. none of her kids can take her so she had to cancel. I gave her number from a cleveland company that gives free rides to drs. offices and grocery shopping there and back free. You just have to call. She refuses, saying she doesn’t like getting in cars with strangers. There is so much other manipulation she does. Yesterday, I had a patient who lost both of his legs. He was same age as my mom. He still worked, drove himself to all his appointments, said he cleans his 4 bedroom house, gardening, etc. and does eveything on his own. I told him he should call my mom to motivate her and he said she sounded very manipulative, and I was basically an enabler and I need to stop being that personal taxi driver. He said she has to want to get out there and do things on her own and she should be. So I decided I’m going to wait and see how long it takes for her to get over her mad spell bc I didn’t go to dinner. There is so much more to the story. I am taking a step back for awhile and just not running her errands and see what happens. See what she decides to do on her own.
You don't say how old your mother is. This is helpful info since beginning at certain more advanced years, she may be having other issues, like with memory or cognition. If I were in your shoes, I'd start by pondering if I even want to be involved in helping my mother as she begins to need even more help than she's demanding now. No one can assume another person into a caregiving role. If you decide you're willing to help her, what will the conditions (boundaries) be? Once a week and only on the days/times that are convenient for you, etc.? She does not get to call the shots. If she is able to drive, don't take her anywhere familiar to her as she should be able to do this on her own. Once you set boundaries she will be mad and if she gives you the silent treatment, don't acknowledge it at all, pretend you don't notice it. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. If /when she eventually brings it up just change the subject. Don't allow her to control this conversation. Eventually she'll give up on doing it. My own MIL used to talk about her problems to us all the time but never did anything to solve them. She'd call during our work days to whine. I told her that if she doesn't work to solve them, then we don't want to hear about it. She didn't believe me. So I started abruptly changing the topic whenever she went down that path. She got frustrated and stopped talking about her woes. It was glorious.
Also, please understand that your other siblings are under no moral, ethical or legal obligation to participate in the caregiving (just like you), so do not have this expectation or assumption yourself. And they don't get to have it of you, either. It may be helpful to have a family meeting with them (minus your mom) and discuss her the dynamics with her and what you are and aren't willing to do for her. Your siblings may get mad at you also, since you've been the push-over enabler all this time. Once that role is empty it may through things into chaos. This is NOT your problem.
It may be helpful for you to speak with a family therapist so that you can get a rational, objective opinion about your situation and get wise advice on where your boundaries should be and how to defend them -- especially if your other siblings will also be using a battering ram to break yours down.
Your mother is a fully mature adult who had her whole life to work on being independent and having a plan for her aging years. You are not her plan unless you agree to it. You are not responsible for her happiness. You can't choose your biological family but you can choose whether you engage with their toxicity and manipulation. You are in control of your own life. Blessings!
i was telling a friend today rhat I am thinking of seeing a therapist about her. I am planning on opening a coffee shop in another state bc I want to get away from the snow and I am planning my retirement. I told her my plans akd told her if she wants to be with me during winter I can find a way to get her there and back. I figured I could help her part of the year since she hates the winters and my sis could help her warmer times of the year if needed. My mom told me she doesn’t want to go with me. She wants to stay out which means my one sis will be doing everything. I think it’s time I have a talk with my sis about me stepping back now. My sis also knows my plans of moving to a warmer state to start my own business. I told her I want to retire there as well wjen it’s time. So my family knows I’m working on this plan. I don’t want to be the evil daughter who just leaves but I have offered my mom to stay with me during winter when I finally make rhe move. I just feel like I’m in a rut sometimes
Seems to me 2 of your sisters help out a lot. Does Mom really need to go to 5 different places. If I was working f/t, no way would I be carting someone from store to store after a dinner. Make your plans. Do not ask your Mom again to spend the Winter with you. It could turn out to be permanent. Parents can have accidents get really sick. Then that 3 months ends up permanent. Could you really take your Mom 24/7 living in the same house? Do what you need to do for you. I am 72 and yesterday spent the day running errands. You do not want to disable Mom and all 3 of you are doing it. If she is capable, she should be doing for herself.
NO, is a one word sentence
When you say NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
We are the ones who get all the negativity, complaining, and gaslighting. We are the scapegoats who get that blame and harsh treatment. Yet we are also the ones who are expected to live our lives in loving service. Start ignoring her. When she threatens to cancel doctor's appointments because you won't take her, tell her to go ahead. It's her health she's risking not yours.
When she starts up about driving her to run all these errands tell her to call one of your siblings and let that be the end of it. You are her enabler and she knows exactly how to hurt you. She knows every button to push and every trigger to pull because she installed them.
You have to stand up to her and be strong about it. I had to do this with my mother and I'm her caregiver now. I do not play the game anymore and she knows it. I know that she will never validate my feelings or have any real respect for me as a person. This doesn't bother me anymore. She does know that if she's disrespectful to me or tries to instigate that I will ignore her completely and she will go without things she needs.
I think this is what you need to start doing with your mother. Stop tolerating her disrespectful behavior. Say no to her. She'll get the message when you're no longer at her beck and call.
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
My mother was a very passive/aggressive person herself, so I learned to set boundaries with her long ago. I'd go over on X day for X amount of time to do X amount of things. We'd go to the grocery store & Walgreens PERIOD. I was an only child and 'all she had' and she too refused to drive anywhere, so for me, the key was to do what I felt was reasonable, b/c to her, too much wasn't enough. She lived in Independent Living with dad, then Assisted Living, then Memory Care. I can't stress this to you enough: DO NOT MOVE MOM IN WITH YOU. Women like this need residential care b/c they're not equipped to live alone OR to live with a son/daughter. Managed care gives them a social outlet AND a place where all of their constant needs are TAKEN CARE OF FOR THEM by others. That lets their children off the hook (to a degree) and allows them to live their OWN lives w/o bowing & scraping to mom's needs 24/7.
Passive aggressive behavior is sometimes also combined with covert narcissistic traits which is a truly ugly thing. Read this article which is the 25 signs to look out for:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
The article provides some great tips for dealing & coping with such people.
Best of luck setting down some boundaries of your OWN to deal with mom!
But with you at her side-joined to her hip- you can do everything together & so she feels ok.
Except you don't. You will lose your own life that way & be living HER life with her. Won't even get your own air to breathe. Just a few gasps while she naps.
The Dear Feeble Smother-Mother.
She wants company. To feel reassured by the presence of others. To not have to worry so much about banks, groceries, errands.
She's ready for Assisted living.
Find one. Help her pack her bags.
It is not Mom who is the problem here. It is you. It is not Mom's manipulation that is of concern, but you insistence on falling for it over the years.
We tell people who we are; they treat us accordingly. That is to say, as Beatty on Forum often says "There will be no solutions as long as you are all of the solutions".
In my own humble opinion, as an elder who has given up driving, I don't know that I would suggest an elder take out a beginner's permit. But you don't tell us how old Mom is. If she's still in 50s or 60s she may decide to go for it.
Now on to solving all this. That is entirely in your own hands. You may need help in learning to set up your own boundaries, in saying "no" with kindness and gentleness, and in refusing to argue the issue. Try to start with a fun and easy book called Boundaries. Tons of used copies on Amazon. Lots of anecdotal stories. While a bit religious based for me it is of great value to see "how all this works".
Again, your life is in your hands. Your decisions are your OWN decisions for your own life. You simply have to state your limits, and smile nicely. Get on with your life.
Usually this sort of co-bonding isn't one sided. It is a two-step dance with a partner.
Remember,Mom is not going to change. This isn't about Mom.
You CAN change. This is about whether or not you make the decision to do so.
I was once caregiver to the world. When I learned to tell the world "No" that I could not, it became angry. But it adjusted really well, and is getting along great without me!
I sure wish you the best. Seek help for this particular issue and the work can go quickly indeed.
Your helping sister should NOT be left to take over all of mother’s ‘wants’ when you go interstate. And you should NOT have mother to stay with you for months over winter. Each of these options will work very badly for you and your sister, and quite possibly ruin your relationship with each other. Mother will NOT become independent, pleasant, grateful and reasonable. She will NOT leave your new house if she wants to stay permanently. She is and will stay manipulative.
At 69, your mother needs to make her plans for her own old age. Her plans should NOT depend on you and your sister doing exactly what she wants.
You are fed up now, or you would not be posting like this. If you don’t make a radical change it will get MUCH MUCH worse.
Also one thing I learned during the pandemic is you can order literally everything. There is no real need to go to the store unless you enjoy it. Sounds like her mind is sharp so maybe get her setup up on some apps to order groceries etc…
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