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Caring for my mom for past 20 years. She lives alone in her home. Her desire. I have taken care of everything from groceries to medical appointments to her bills… everything. Now that her health is being more challenging, I look to my siblings for help. But because Mom is not confident in anyone but me to help her, she prefers my siblings not to help. This is fine. My mom trusts me. I get it. But I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years. They figured if I didn’t ask for help, then I must not have needed it.


I will continue to care for my mom with all my heart. But how do I cope with the pain and disappointment I have with my siblings? In my eyes, it is NOT ok to be so self absorbed and take it for granted that I will take care of our mom by myself. I hate to say it, but today I actually started wishing I were an only child. That way I would not be resenting anyone for not helping. I feel bad I am thinking this way. But I am being honest, any advise?

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I get why people have told you that you chose to be caregiver to your mom and resenting your siblings only hurts you. But, I do understand what you are feeling.
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.

I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.
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Reply to Gershun
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I quite understand why you have this resentment toward your siblings for not pitching in and helping you with mom’s care. Twenty years ago when you took on the task of being the sole caregiver for mom you were young and up to doing those tasks very easily. Now that you are 20 years older, your siblings need to understand that you need help. You should have a talk with your siblings and tell them that you are getting up in age and you need help with mom as her care is getting more challenging for you to do. Your siblings can do the simple tasks of grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cooking, etc. while you do the more technical tasks of paying the bills, taking mom to medical appointments, etc. You are indeed a good daughter and you deserve help from your siblings.

Hoping for the best for you.
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Reply to Dupedwife
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Resentment. Relinguish. Trust.

Some very interesting words have been mentioned.

Resentment.. are you giving too much? Feeling weighed down & expecting others (siblings) to lighten your load. Why?
Expectations.
That family should help family?
Any other reasons?

Relinguish.. are you ready to let go of some tasks? Of letting others do some tasks, in their own way?

Trust.. your Mother trusts you. Only you. Is this fair? Reasonable?
Is this practical? Is this a hurdle Mother must learn to get over?

What about your trust? Do you really trust your siblings to help? Or will you want to oversee,
direct when & how they help?

Maybe your siblings are resentful?
Of being presumed (even if asked nicely) of being your backup service.

Lots to think about.
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Reply to Beatty
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It’s hard. Literally the only thing I asked my sisters to do was to ask me how I was doing, how my family was doing, now that we have mom with us. (I asked nicely). They stopped talking to me instead. I cannot begin to explain them. I try very hard to use this experience to inform my own behavior towards others, to try to show them I care and am thinking of them. It doesn’t take long to send a text asking how someone is. The respite caregiver recommended a letter exercise from that book Men are from Mars, where you write a letter to the person who has hurt you and write a letter “from” them saying what you wish they would say. I haven’t done it yet, but I will because I think it will help. I wish you the best. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. Say “I am going on vacation these days and it will this much of moms money to have a caregiver do what I do. If you want to do it instead and save that money, you must tell me by this date.” Quit hoping they’ll do the right thing and tell them they can do the right thing or mom (they via their inheritance )can pay someone else to. Good luck.
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Reply to BayPoodle
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Hi Daughter,

I'm a 6 year daughter caregiver so I understand.

Can one of your siblings be tasked with paying the bills?

Can a sibling be tasked with being in charge of meds?

I find both of these tasks to be a hassle. Like you I'm doing it all.
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Reply to brandee
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You created the situation by being the "Super Caregiver". 20 years is a long haul for anyone to be a caregiver, you have shown them how to treat you.

You cannot expect anyone to help you, you have set the stage for her caregiving and now you are still saying the same thing "I'll be the caregiver for her the rest of her life...I can do this".

This is of course a choice, you have chosen to do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see what they have to say call a family meeting, are you ready to relinquish some of the caregiving activities? You have dedicated your life to caring for mom. If you are not ready to relinquish some of this control, I would not fret over what you have chosen to do, just keep doing it.
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Reply to MeDolly
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DaughterSD Mar 30, 2024
You make some very, very good points which are similar to other comments, and I appreciate it. Helps me put resentment in its place regarding the last 20 years.

My challenge is now in the present. I have asked both siblings for help. I specifically said I am feeling overwhelmed and asked for help on days I could not. I got excuses that those days would be inconvenient or that they already had personal plans. (Would be nice to have the ability to make personal plans! Right?) You are right in that I made the choice for many years to help. Just wish I had siblings who would jump in to help when I needed it. Especially since I did not ask for their help for 2 decades. After all, this is their Mom too. I personally feel I would not treat them this way, and I am just disappointed that they would do this to me. But I guess that is their choice, and with that said, I am more disappointed than resentful. My bad for having such high expectation of my siblings. And so I move on….

Thank you again for your reply. It is much appreciated.
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I think it is a great mistake to expect others to want to do something simply because we have made a choice to do it.

I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.

I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.

I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.

I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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DaughterSD Mar 30, 2024
Thank you for your response. You have helped me put it in perspective that my siblings are not wired to be a caregiver. And I am now fine with that. Unfortunately my expectations of my siblings must be very different than mine. I would always be there for them if they needed help. Always! But when I asked for help (even to pick up her groceries) I am met with excuses.

I never thought by taking on this responsibility 20 years ago, that my siblings would then hold me 100% responsible and leave me with no support.

And I am assuming they are conveniently forgetting that this is their mother too. I am not just asking help for me, but for OUR mother.

Just very disappointed.
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The other siblings dont help because you have been doing all the work . Resentment doesnt get you any where . Have you asked them to give you a weekend off ? I have found Once we have grown our relationships with siblings disintegrates . Some people stay close But not from what I have witnessed . In seeing My Chiropractor and taking care of My Mother , Brother and My Father - he said " From My Observation the caretaking falls on one Person . " So you are not alone .
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Reply to KNance72
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DaughterSD Mar 30, 2024
Thank you. Yes, I painfully agree that resentment gets me no where. I am realizing that my resentment is really mere disappointment in what support I thought siblings would provide. Both of them live driving distance away. And yes, I have asked for them to help me on specific days, but it seems to always fall on “inconvenient” days.

Mom doesn’t have as much trust in them as she does with me, so I will continue what I am doing. Just dealing with disappointment. But I am hoping disappointment will be easier to deal with than resentment.
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