Caring for my mom for past 20 years. She lives alone in her home. Her desire. I have taken care of everything from groceries to medical appointments to her bills… everything. Now that her health is being more challenging, I look to my siblings for help. But because Mom is not confident in anyone but me to help her, she prefers my siblings not to help. This is fine. My mom trusts me. I get it. But I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years. They figured if I didn’t ask for help, then I must not have needed it.
I will continue to care for my mom with all my heart. But how do I cope with the pain and disappointment I have with my siblings? In my eyes, it is NOT ok to be so self absorbed and take it for granted that I will take care of our mom by myself. I hate to say it, but today I actually started wishing I were an only child. That way I would not be resenting anyone for not helping. I feel bad I am thinking this way. But I am being honest, any advise?
Mom doesn’t have as much trust in them as she does with me, so I will continue what I am doing. Just dealing with disappointment. But I am hoping disappointment will be easier to deal with than resentment.
I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.
I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.
I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.
I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.
I never thought by taking on this responsibility 20 years ago, that my siblings would then hold me 100% responsible and leave me with no support.
And I am assuming they are conveniently forgetting that this is their mother too. I am not just asking help for me, but for OUR mother.
Just very disappointed.
You cannot expect anyone to help you, you have set the stage for her caregiving and now you are still saying the same thing "I'll be the caregiver for her the rest of her life...I can do this".
This is of course a choice, you have chosen to do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see what they have to say call a family meeting, are you ready to relinquish some of the caregiving activities? You have dedicated your life to caring for mom. If you are not ready to relinquish some of this control, I would not fret over what you have chosen to do, just keep doing it.
My challenge is now in the present. I have asked both siblings for help. I specifically said I am feeling overwhelmed and asked for help on days I could not. I got excuses that those days would be inconvenient or that they already had personal plans. (Would be nice to have the ability to make personal plans! Right?) You are right in that I made the choice for many years to help. Just wish I had siblings who would jump in to help when I needed it. Especially since I did not ask for their help for 2 decades. After all, this is their Mom too. I personally feel I would not treat them this way, and I am just disappointed that they would do this to me. But I guess that is their choice, and with that said, I am more disappointed than resentful. My bad for having such high expectation of my siblings. And so I move on….
Thank you again for your reply. It is much appreciated.
I'm a 6 year daughter caregiver so I understand.
Can one of your siblings be tasked with paying the bills?
Can a sibling be tasked with being in charge of meds?
I find both of these tasks to be a hassle. Like you I'm doing it all.
Some very interesting words have been mentioned.
Resentment.. are you giving too much? Feeling weighed down & expecting others (siblings) to lighten your load. Why?
Expectations.
That family should help family?
Any other reasons?
Relinguish.. are you ready to let go of some tasks? Of letting others do some tasks, in their own way?
Trust.. your Mother trusts you. Only you. Is this fair? Reasonable?
Is this practical? Is this a hurdle Mother must learn to get over?
What about your trust? Do you really trust your siblings to help? Or will you want to oversee,
direct when & how they help?
Maybe your siblings are resentful?
Of being presumed (even if asked nicely) of being your backup service.
Lots to think about.
Hoping for the best for you.
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.
I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.