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How can I best comfort him? He told me, before he was diagnosed, that knowing he had ALZ would only depress him, so we call it memory problems, and try to joke about them or ignore them. He has progressed to stage 5. He can go for walks by himself, and usually finds his way home with no trouble.

A few times lately, he has wandered into the next town, and called on his cell because he has no idea where he is. I get him to find a street sign or two, and a business name, then I google it to find him, and go pick him up. Some people might feel that this is too risky, but we live in a very safe area, and his ability to walk out of the house is very precious to him, and I believe that it is still safe for a little longer.

The problem is that he is noticing that he gets lost. He talks about landmarks that disappear, change, or reappear in front of him. He wants to know what is wrong with him. Well, I know, but I've tried to tell him a few times in the past, and it doesn't go well. How do you think I should handle his awareness? What could a doctor say to him?

I have set up an appointment with a geriatrician, as a first step towards seeing a geriatric psychiatrist. Since he started worrying about his mind, he has stopped worrying about a cousin who probably didn't really steal from him 40 years ago. That is a relief, since he was talking about getting a gun. There is no gun here, nor is there a nearby gun shop.

It was easier when he was denying that there was anything wrong! What can I do?

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Hi Jinx, all I can say from what I'm living through at the moment in not entirely dissimilar circumstances is feel what you feel and acknowledge it.
Bottling emotion never does any good, it will out somewhere, sometime.
I try not to think of what M is losing, and as my condition worsens what I will lose.
I try to concentrate on what we have right now and enjoy the tiny glimmers of who he was and enjoy the positive moments in now.
When I'm alone ( all the time I'm not at the hospital with him) I can let go the feelings and start again.
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What about the emotions? I think I'm scared to let myself feel sad at his situation. If it was a condition that could be cured or improved, maybe I could open my heart more. As it is, I try to be kind, and I try to do what needs to be done, but I gloss over how tragic it is for this intelligent man to start to lose the ability to read. By the way - assisted suicide for me when I can't enjoy reading any more! I'm only half joking.
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I'm with you on that one Jean!
Perhaps people could start their own area on panhandling, nicotine and other addictions.
As someone with dementia and acknowledging it, while dealing with someone with dementia who can't/won't acknowledge theirs or mine I'd like to follow the original topic.
As it is I'm tempted to skip this section now as I cringe at some of what I read, and I don't right now how the wherewithal to get into discussions that take time.
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This post is not about giving to panhandlers! Could we please get back on topic, one how to deal with a loved one who notices his cognitive lapses but hasn't acknowledged his dementia?
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1RareFind: Yes, nicotine is a kilker and a terrible addiction! It's no wonder the person you knew still went back to smoking after having what should have been the wake-up call of a heart attack! So sad! These recent ads on tv about smoking should be enough to a scare anyone, but sadly people can't kick the nasty habit!
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I strongly agree that nicotine is really not good for anyone. I once knew someone who smokes like a chimney no one could get through to him. He was always someone stuff for cigarette money, and no matter where he got the money, he always smoked it away. This person was really not a true friend to anyone, he was a greedy narcissist who only cared about himself and no one else. Lo and behold, a heart attack with a bypass was not enough to get him to quit smoking. Lo and behold he suddenly died at age 52. Knowing the inside scoop on him is why I didn't want to go to the memorial. I even opened up to some close friends about what this person was really like and we all know he smoked himself to death. Yes, he killed himself smoking. I hope this serves as a warning to others because smoking really does kill. An elderly friend of mine smoked for 50 years and develop COPD. He was a retired Army medic. What must've been extra scary is having asthma with COPD. Knowing little or nothing about COPD, I thought when I heard him wheezing that it was part of the COPD until I one day realized it was asthma, a narrowing of the airway. Again, I'm smoking really does kill people sooner or later. I must also warn about secondhand smoke, because if someone smokes around you even just a little bit, that gets into the same error you breeze, and you're inhaling secondhand smoke that can cause respiratory distress and even further problems. There are various respiratory problems that often develop from secondhand smoke as well as actual smoking.
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erinwright: You DO NOT support a person's nicotine addiction! Nicotine is a sin.
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1RareFind: So true, that's why I stopped giving the panhandler two cents or a penny!
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I think it's pretty normal to be aggravated with yourself if you can't remember something. I was just speaking with a friend yesterday on how my mind just goes blank and it just won't work when I most need it. Her mind malfunctions when she's hungry. In fact when she's hungry and angry at the same time she came up with a word called "hangry". Now compound that with inability to remember something and if your mind just don't work when you most need it, I guess you could call it deadhead. I guess it doesn't pay to get mad at yourself though you may get very mad because you know something's wrong and you just can't put your finger on it. I found the best thing I could do despite anger during these times is to just let it run its course
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I don't care what they spend the money on---not my business to rehabilitate anyone.I can picture myself easily becoming homeless---I've definitely been hopeless.If cigarettes give them some comfort,so be it.I figure God's love comes without strings,so who am I to put conditions on things.I don't give money for the thrill of virtue I get,but because I want to give.I'm not a sap,but I'm not a stone,either.Fearing each other doesn't seem like a philosophy that works well,but each person has to decide for themself.Free will etc.
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When you're used to giving money to panhandlers, taking the first step to stopping it is probably going to be the hardest. You're trying to break a habit, especially one of many years, it's going to be hard. The longer you had that habit, the longer it may take to break, but it is possible with God's help. The more steps you take towards breaking a habit, the more likely you'll succeed
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The one panhandler I have seen has a nicotine addiction, so, no, you definitely don't support that! A BIG NO!
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1RareFind: I'm with you on that one! We all know, (perhaps some of us don't) so here's the deal-once you give money to panhandlers, whether it will just be a penny, the response is that they WILL keep hounding you!
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I strongly agree that it's not a good idea if you have money to panhandlers. For starters you don't know what they're going to do with it. Next, you don't know just how bad they really need it or don't need it. I can see giving money to a good cause for someone raising money to help someone with medical expenses, that I could see, but definitely not panhandlers, or bums may I say. We never know how many of those panhandlers are actually dealers, I personally really wouldn't want my money going toward that. Cannabis for instance is becoming legal in more states, you must be very careful where you get the medical cannabis, and definitely not from a panhandler! Definitely be very careful who gets your money because you never know who you're giving it to or what they'll do with it
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1RareFind: Jinx says it's okay to give money to panhandlers. Wrong!
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You need to get him on some type of medication to slow the process, also have his amonia levels checked. There is a strong correlation between high levels of amonia and dementia.
Its not a death sentence, but if you continue to denybanything is wrong you are taking away hisbquality of life.
My dad began the symptoms when he was in his 50s but we didnt realize at that time what was going on. This was way back when no one talked about it.
This is one reason why I educated myself when my mom showed signs of dementia. She is 90 and still is able to cope and exist socially.
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By far, the most serious danger posed in the earlier stages of the Alzheimer's disease is when the individual may decide they want to go for a walk, go searching for "home," or maybe just walk outside to get the paper. In a restaurant they may go to a rest-room. When they turn around, the place they expect to see is gone and they find themselves standing helplessly confused what they see is totally unfamiliar to them.

It is IMHO the host accompanying the person should understand the individual has Alzheimer's Disease, be aware of the danger, and treat the person with patience. Also,

Confabulation is common. The person will say things to people containing information that is blatantly false, tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations. The added danger is the answers are coherent, internally consistent, and appear relatively normal.

Conversing with a LO who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses. Show respect, your therapeutic fictional responses are allowed. ~DLMifm

Too many people with AD have found themselves in exactly this situation after stepping out, only to wander the streets in hope of finding the ever-elusive home of their past. Others may be trying to escape imagined abusers or an unfamiliar person looking back at them from the mirror, but whatever the reason, leaving home also means leaving the safety and security that also resides there.
IMCO you can not keep the AD hidden
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1RareFind: That was my daughter's mother-in-law who pulls out her wallet in front of the panhandler! Very dangerous! That wasn't my sister-in-law. I just can't understand why she would do that! I told her that the next time she does that her wallet will be taken by the panhandler. My daughter and son-in-law (her son) live with her. She lost her husband on December 23, 2011. He was only 66 years of age and had a massive, 7 centimeter brain bleed, e.g, stroke. Now my son-in-law tells me that right before his dad died that he noticed small changes in him, such as his gait...he walked slightly with a limp. Now my daughter and son-in-law are having issues with his mother, such as she will start screaming at my daughter as soon as my daughter gets home from work. B (name withheld for privacy reasons) screams "I got this phone call and I don't know what to do about it." etc. Simple answer=you place a block on that phone # through your phone...I get them all the time and they are nothing but scammers. Interesting enough, B and I are 8 months apart in age. (B just turned 70.) My son-in-law recently gave me a wonderful compliment saying, "you do so much better than my mom does." So right now he is looking for small, incremental changes in his mom's health and they are there! Yes, there are problems with her...her thinking if off. She will just as soon give $$ to the scammer on the other end of the phone line as not. Her old cell phone died and they recently got her a smartphone...what a MAJOR CHALLENGE! PHEW! Her son will answer her questions perfectly, leaving no doubt or concern. But then she doesn't want to believe him and calls a relative 600 miles away! At Christmastime, my husband and I were there visiting. I had asked B a question, but she just got up and walked away. My son-in-law said "mom, Nancy was talking to you!" I said if she causes my daughter's health to decline, I WILL STEP IN!
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Llamalover47, does your sister-in-law possibly have dementia or other cognitive disorder that may be causing her to not only squander her money but maybe put herself into dangerous situations? Depending on her age may actually depend on whether or not she should be tested for age-related decline. Apparently there must be some kind of disability somewhere if she doesn't listen to the guidance of her love ones, not even her children.

Depending on what maybe going on, has anyone thought of getting POA or even guardianship? That way the more power the caregiver has, the more likely they'll be able to make sure that proper changes are made to the person under their care. Guardianship give you all powers over the person's affairs, including finances. Guardianship will also give you the power to make decisions as in living arrangements and even medical decisions among many other things. It's kind of like taking care of a child except this particular task is an adult instead of a child, so you may almost say kind of like an adult child. I've seen guardianship be obtained over my foster dad despite him still being able to make some decisions. He would come and go mentally, but early stages of dementia may not even be noticeable or even recognizable to some outsiders who never even dealt with this kind of thing before. It's not until the person starts showing more obvious signs that those closest to them start noticing something is just not right. It takes the right kind of person to become a guardian, medical POA, or take any other kind of position over a person because not everyone is cut out for any of these because not everyone knows how to do them properly. The highest one is guardianship though, because it has the highest level of responsibility and you have to account for every dime of that person's money at sometime or another. It can be a very stressful job I'm sure.

Right now i'm helping an older friend of mine of many years to try and get some kind of income. I already got his medical and his food stamps for him. Even being an authorized rep has a level of responsibility and sometimes you learn along the way. The trickiest thing to do is to try to get him some income and get him on his feet. I don't know whether or not my friend will ever develop any kind of age-related mental decline, I hope he stays healthy to the end.
Anytime someone gets dementia though, it can be kind of aggravating at times when they tend to forget after being in there mentally, only to find they left mentally. No, my friend does not have dementia, but my foster dad did. It was hard until he obtained a guardian. I can't say I completely agree with the guardian on some things, but at least someone took over and took a huge load off. All we can do is remember the good times we had with someone who becomes demented. Reflection is sometimes key when times are hard. 😇
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Following his stroke my spouse more readily acknowledges he doesn't recall everything. Post-stroke he can not transfer himself to/from bed/chair/ bathroom. The up/down movement was hard enough before the stroke. While we were still getting him out once a week to appointments and a luncheon, it became increasingly hard for him to transfer to/from chair to car seat and into/out of the various settings.
By the time of the next appointment/outing - usually a week or so later, he forgot he could not manage the situation. He used to be good at finding places but now says he does not know how to get to the doctor's office nor how to get to his favorite restaurant. He was diagnosed with a cognitive impairment secondary to the stroke.
Now he has to be transported by wheelchair van which means he can not experience any fun activities the day of his appointment. He understands why the van ride. He forgets why no outing and insists he can walk and transfer himself.
After the stroke he denied he could not swallow food - so a non-solid diet. Meds were crushed/pulverized too. He's back to regular diet and pills. He I think denial keeps some spiritual or survival mechanism functioning. If your husband accepts what is happening now, he will also have to accept giving up or becoming disabled. Any activities you can still enjoy together is safer and more helpful. It gives him less time to dwell on his diminishing capacity. But you do need to walk a fine line as so much is at stake.
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I told the Hallmark staff, i meant.
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1RareFind: Halfway joking and mainly serious, my SIL is hunter...my daughter has learned how to handle firearms...I told them I want to go to the shooting range.
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1RareFind: One more thing thst you mentioned is yes, I have told the staff who know me about the man and also told staff at Wendy's about 7-8 times about him.
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1RareFind: Three times now i have turned my car ignition off (while I am in the car, doors locked) and have sounded the car alarm, which made the man run! I don't care who else heard the car alarm or thought I was nutso...I was just protecting myself!!!!!
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1RareFind: I do have to replenish my pepper spray...I had to toss my old when I was about to board the plane to take care of my Mother....it happened so fast when I had to take care of her and forgot pepper spray was in my purse...I would have been detained by TSA agents so had to quickly toss it in the trash can.
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1RareFind: Aww...you're sweet to try to give me some tips! I actually found out that this man is really just an annoying pest. He won't cause you any harm. H3ll, the man can't even speak; he just mutters! He makes gestures like rubbing two fingers together to indicate that he wants money, but no more from this woman!!! I am a really fast walker/mover. However, at 69-1/2 years, I don't plan to take Tae-Kwon-Do or any martial arts classes. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE COPS ON HIM, THOUGH! Also, I am VERY aware of my surroundings and I don't put myself into situations where I could be in danger of robbery, etc. My daughter's MIL pulls out her wallet in front of the panhandler. When I found out that she was doing this, I pulled her aside and said "PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN." However, this woman never follows through with any advice so it's worrisome for her one son (my SIL) who cares about her.
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Llamalover47, Glad to see you got this incident taken care of. Here are some tips for you to follow for the future:

First, really watch your surroundings good and close. That way, you always know who's around you and where they are. You mentioned coming out of a store and seeing this person coming, also will just use the past scenario to help you through any future ones that may come. If you come out of a store again in the future and see something like this again, turn around and run right back in the store and get a worker. If you can get the manager, do so. Don't go to your car until you're sure it's safe. If you see any panhandlers lurking around, Don't go to your car but rather to a populated area with other people. Definitely carry some pepper spray in case you're attacked. What I would suggest is also taking self-defense classes such as karate or jujitsu or any similar self-defense classes. That way, you'll know how to defend yourself if something happens.

If you ever are approached by a panhandler again, get very loud and draw attention, Especially if the person approaches you from behind. People don't usually mess with a mad person, if you have to, go mad on them and they should leave you alone. If you do this every time they approach you, they'll get the hint. I've had to come pretty close myself but under different circumstances, and I'm one of those kinds of people that most people know not to mess with because I will go mad and I will get crazy in order to protect myself. I guess you could call it a form of streetsmart if that's what you call it, but no one should mess with you if you know what to do

These tips are for you to follow because next panhandler may be worse than the last one for all we know. Not all panhandlers live in a group home, so this is one situation that turned out very well. I can't say all of them have proper placement because some of them are actually homeless. What I hope you do is to consider everything I suggested because you may one day find yourself in another situation dealing with another panhandler who may be far worse than the last one. This is where taking certain precautions is a very smart move. What you want to do now so that you're not taken advantage of again is to pay very close attention if there are any panhandlers anywhere you plan to be. If possible, try to avoid that area during the times the panhandlers are there. If you can't avoid the area for some reason or another, you can anonymously report the panhandling to the cops in such a clever way they should act to resolve the threat to other visitors to the area, especially perspective customers.


Special note:

It would be a very good idea to speak with other business people and express your concerns about the panhandlers because panhandlers can make people so uncomfortable that they won't want to do business in the area because they won't feel safe, and if customers don't feel safe, businesses will lose money because customers just won't come around when I don't feel safe. If there are too many complaints about the panhandlers, something will be done
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1RareFind: So what happens with this man is that he is VERY sneaky and somehow he gets in your face BEFORE you have QUICKLY shut your vehicle door and locked it. Or sometimes you may be coming out of a store and here he comes. So let me tell you since I got back from having to live 400 miles away with my late elderly mother, this man was still panhandling up and down the boulevard. Let me tell you that all I have given him is a penny and 2 jelly belly candies...about 3 times. He still continued to hound everyone. Even though I didn't think he could read,one time I handed him a piece of paper on which I had written "please don't come right up to my vehicle and alarm me like you have been doing." (That way if anyone else got involved, I could say I told this man in writing to stop.) Another tactic I used is to honk the horn continually at him. Then I found out from the local Hallmark card shop that he lived in an area Group Mens' Home. I thought, okay, good...I'm on the right track...the Hallmark staff said "he's well taken care of." SO I wrote to my community association to see where this man resides. Got it...then wrote an anonymous letter to the resident manager of said group home asking them to tell him to please stop this "scare tactic." Haven't seen him on the streets since!
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Llamalover47, if you ever see a panhandler approaching your car again, perhaps try keeping your doors locked and your windows up. You may also want to keep your phone handy and call the cops next time this happens. Definitely stay aware of your surroundings and try to pay a little closer attention and watch who is where. That way, you know ahead of time whether someone is headed your way. Most importantly, don't give this panhandler anything! You mentioned that you already have, which is partly why you can't get rid of him. Once you start given to the panhandlers, you never get rid of them and they'll keep coming back. Next time you're approached, definitely get a video to show the cops. Another approach you can also use to your advantage is to write to your local newspaper's editorial about the problem. People read the papers, including local authorities. You can put the heat on by publicly exposing the problem in general and also include your experience with the person with whom you have a problem
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Cubpiper: "Panhandlers can be terrific?" I guess I didn't get the memo on that one! My question is "how?" They are much less than terrific in the town where I reside. I would classify the one panhandler as "bothersome, scary, frightening, incoherent, menacing, et al." This individual comes right up to your car, two inches away from your face and "mutters" for you to give him cash. I have, on many an occasion, given this individual small amounts of cash and snacks. However, you don't want to give this this person cash of any value, as the person will use it to feed their nicotine addiction!
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