My father is almost 94. He can't hear, has practically no teeth, and has amazing short-term memory problems. I don't think he has Alzheimer's. He has diabetes, mostly under control w/ meds. He lives at home and has caregivers 4 hours Mon-Sat and 6 hours on Sunday. Two sisters are in town and 1 brother in L.A.
We decided 1 sister would cook/grocery shop. The other was to manage, balancing check books, paying bills, taking care of taxes. I volunteered to take care of his medical needs. My brother does nothing.
However, we did not officially divvy up what I call the "everything else." Managing the caregivers, caring for the house and yard, taking care of his car, etc. I realized a year ago that I was the only one taking care of the "everything else."
My sisters work as teachers. I trained as an attorney but haven't been able to work because of difficulties with my mental health. I finally asked them in an email to pay attention to things that needed to be done in the house. I said that if they didn't have time in the day or on weekends or during school breaks or in the summer to figure out what needed to be done and I would do it. They both ignored this and one sister said that I should take care of everything because "you don't work." I screamed at her and we haven't spoken since.
The worst part of this is that I don't agree w/ how my sisters are handling their duties. The cooking sister makes non-diabetic dinners. I asked the financial sister to ask her to cook diabetic food. She said she did but the food hasn't changed. The only thing I can think of to do is do the cooking myself, which I resent.
The financial sister is more worrisome. She's admitted she doesn't want to do it but refuses to hand it over to a bookkeeper or accountant. Bills go unpaid. The credit card I use for his health stuff has been refused twice for nonpayment. I've watched her pay a bill 60 days overdue. Despite our pushing her, she didn't take care of his taxes until the IRS penalty was over $21,000. There are many other examples.
Having my father's finances entirely in her hands worries me. If she screws up his money, we may not be able to pay the enormous caregiver bill and all the other bills. We could sell the house but there will be capital gains, and he will end up in assisted living.
Taking care of my father's health over the past three years has really stressed me. He's generally healthy but I am proactive and track his BP and glucose. I work w/ his PCP to manage his meds. He broke his hip so I had to handle that. He broke the top of his tibia a few months ago and I had to take care of that. COVID has been horrible. Despite living half an hour away, I had to be at the house whenever a workman, etc., arrived to ensure masking. I got all his vaccinations. He did get Omicron and I moved heaven and earth to get him the monoclonal antibodies. The worst lately is that he was diagnosed with a fatty tumor 1.5 years ago and we've monitored it w/ MRIs every 3-5 months. Now, I have one oncologist saying he doesn't have cancer and another saying he does. So I have to figure out what is going on so I can advise him.
All of this has stressed me out so much that my regular bipolar/anxiety medication isn't working. I feel trapped all the time. I am on Valium today because I can't stand the stress and the fact that none of my siblings care about me at all. I am just the eldest whom they have decided should just take care of everything. Just writing about this has been good, but if anyone has any thoughts I'd appreciate them.
I had lots of mixed emotions because growing up my mother just verbally abused the dickens out of me for 18 years until I moved out, but my brother was their golden child. Yet their golden child had basically abandoned them when they needed his help the most.
When my parents passed, suddenly my brother had the time to take off when it came to his inheritance. Actually he left me to do all their taxes and etc but then my hands were tied because my brother was the executor of their wills.
Anyway I have had to work on all the resentment that built up over those years. My brother is doing great health wise. I developed autoimmune problems because of the caregiving - that’s the price that I
paid.
Just take care of your self and vent the resentment if you can. Easier said than done- I know but you are worth it.
My two cents.
temper13
There are others in this forum who have more experience with assisted living, but I would not be surprised if you were able to manage everything adequately by yourself if your father were in a residential care setting. Just something to consider.
Or, you can move to Switzerland or South America or wherever you want and send them postcards from afar.
Your dad would decide to do something different if everyone stepped away and let him see what reality looks like.
That is the hardest part for family caregivers, stepping away and letting the senior fail or get it together and pull it off. We don't know, we have a pretty good idea, which way this will go and that makes us worry, feel bad and stay in these terrible situations.
You have to take care of You first and foremost. Your dad has resources to take care of himself. These resources come in the ability to pay for assisted living. You need to have a frank talk with him about your situation and the mishandling of funds by your sister. Show him the bills/correspondences so he understands you are not making this up. What is more important—your mental health or paying capital gains. Do you really want a mental health breakdown over taxes? If your father is reasonable, he will understand.
Finally, you said your “father has amazing short-term memory problems.” His inability to take care of I ALs and his short term memory problems are a recipe for a serious accident and pain and suffering for your father. He clearly has some form of dementia and should be evaluated by a neurologist who specializes in age related dementia. He also SHOULD NOT BE LIVING ALONE. Your dad has a serious medical situation going on as do you. Your health and your father’s health take priority over your siblings opinions.
If you are mentally unable to handle his affairs, it is in your best interest and your father’s best interest to step away from the situation. Stick with your counseling and meds. and tell your siblings you are no longer able to participate in his care because of your health. It is hard to walk away, but you have to take care of you first.
This is what I've settled on: I am walking away from the house and car maintenance. I will only step in I see something that would harm his health.
I'll continue with managing his health care. I simply cannot leave that to my sisters. If I find that I can't do it anymore, I will figure out some way to make sure he's being taken care of such as regular nurse visits, or something like that. I can call the local aging office in town for suggestions.
If your father refuses assisted living or nursing home and he is "with it," next time he is in the hospital you can refuse to take him back.
Your father is not going to last forever. You need to talk about advanced directives, Will, prepaid funeral and estate planning. If he had a stroke and can no longer swallow, does he want a feeding tube? What about code status. Full code means do CPR which is chest compressions and tubing him. Chest compressions can break ribs. DNR also means to treat conditions--but no CPR.
We went through the same thing with my in-laws... lots of siblings in town, but most of them thought that since my husband had (recently) retired and they all worked that he should do everything. One of his sister's was a retired LPN so they all pushed a lot of health care duties onto her, even though she was in her 70s with health issues of her own.
Time for another meeting and for firmly establishing household duties and when each person is expected to be in attendance on Dad. And consider starting a checklist of things the absentee brother can do whenever he visits... it makes him feel included, if nothing else, and might make the other sibs feel a little less resentful (if they are). We did that with a brother who was out of state and it worked out well for everybody.
And above all don't let them try to guilt you into doing more than your fair share... just because you are not working doesn't mean your time is any less valuable than theirs. Perhaps try setting days off for yourself and tell the sisters 'I won't be available on Sunday, somebody will need to do Dad duty.' The first time you do this is the hardest (again, from personal experience with my husband's siblings) but nobody is going to let Dad go without eating or helping him to the bathroom. And the key is firmly *telling*, not asking them for permission.
It's a tough situation but I hope you find something that works. Take care of yourself.
Have you considered consulting an elder care manager to help assess
all your dad’s needs and then create a care plan? This might be done in coordination with the mediator. What you want is a more equitable division of care, yes? Or in the case of your sister who is cooking, care that is medically responsible. This could be a way to get your brother involved—you could specifically ask the care manager to identify things your brother could manage remotely. Could you brother do some of the bill paying? Like could he take on job of preparing taxes and paying the mortgage and you sister pay the monthly bills?
That being said, I think you need to take a step back and re-assess what it is you really want. It sounds to me as if you are generally okay with the division of care except for the non-diabetic meals and your sister staying more on top of the bookkeeping. What really bothers you, it sounds like, is the lack of acknowledgment or appreciation on the part of your siblings. And perhaps your dad. That is much much more difficult to get.
I agree that their comments about you “not working” is one of those judge-y, red herring arguments. Whether you work or not isn’t for them to say. You contribute your time to caring for your father as you are able and as you decide.
However, this is a two-way street. You can’t expect respect for your time from your siblings if you do not give them the same respect in return. Has your brother offered to help out and then not? (That is different. That is not keeping an agreement.) You can *ask him* to help and your brother can agree. But you can’t demand that he help and then, if he doesn’t agree, make him the bad guy. His helping is just like yours—voluntary and as he is able.
If you aren’t already, please find a therapist to support your own mental health. And work on figuring out what your goals for yourself are within this care agreement. If your goal is about your dad and making sure he stays happy and at home until the end, that means sacrifice on your part and your siblings. If your goal is equitable division of labor between siblings, you have a difficult road ahead. I’m not saying at all what your goal should be, just that you get really clear on what *yours* is and then align your actions to that goal. Your siblings all have different goals - obviously- and you cannot make them do anything. You will drive yourself crazy wanting them to have the same goals. To put it bluntly, they aren’t you—you cannot make them want what you want, do what you do, etc. Even if that goal is about your dad and his well-being.
Good luck! It sounds like you are a loving and supportive caregiver to your dad. I do hope you can find more balance between your siblings.
I have decided that if the others won't do anything, I'll only take care of things that would endanger his safety. The yard, the trees, the car, the fence, the state of the carpet (I had it cleaned once), the gutters, the broken curtains, appliances that aren't working, and things like that are not mine anymore. I'm done.
My brother is a very nice person normally but he is a workaholic, I think, and lives in CA. A CM might come up with ideas for what he could do remotely. I'd like him to ride herd on the finances sister -- have her answer to him about how she's handling the money. Whenever I have tried to talk to him in the past, he ALWAYS get a phone call while we're talking and has to take it. Every single time. He gives the impression he never has time for anything other than his business; however, there's no harm in asking him to take care of taxes. He also never calls to find out how things are going. In essence, he has checked out and left the caregiving to the "girls."
What I really want is for my sister to take care of the financial aspects correctly and in a timely fashion or give the duties up to a professional. So far she has refused to do it. I want my other sister to cook meals that will not raise his blood glucose. I will be at the house today and check to see if she's doing that. If she isn't I have no choice but to take over the cooking myself or hire a service.
I would like my siblings to have a similar interest in what I'm going through as in the recent past I have for them. Before now, I've been cognizant of the trials of the sister who takes care of the meals and is a full-time teacher. I also have been protective of the financial sister who has chronic headaches and lives 45 minutes away (although I live 30 minutes away myself). She also is a substitute teacher and doesn't take work home doesn't have to work every day of the week. I have given consideration to the brother who appears to work 24/7. But I have never gotten any recognization of what I have to go through. Instead, I'm told that I don't work. Which suggests that because they believe they don't have a free moment in their whole year I should take care of things.
Taking care of my father's medical needs is complicated and time consuming and I always have to fight to get him to go to appointments. I've had to come up with of techniques to make sure he takes his pills and that his BP and blood glucose are measured. The caregivers are take care of those two things but I have to work with his PCP to make adjustments, etc. I order the pills, inventory then, and package them. I do what I need to do and I don't push it off on either of them. Once, about two years ago (I can't remember exactly) I was out of town and asked the financial sister to take him in for a followup MRI and she didn't do it. The pandemic has been hell for me because of what I have gone through to protect him from exposure.
I have talked to a therapist and she was not very helpful so I am looking actively for a new one. However, I refuse to put up with their incompetency and selfishness as things stand now. I will not sacrifice myself for my father. My desire in the end is for him to go into assisted living. I think ultimately he would like it and benefit from it (though I would never force him). Thanks for your thoughts.
You answered:
"As for a goal, my father's goal is to stay right where he is because he is very comfortable".
Reallyfedup, can you separate your goal/s from your Father's - or is it the same goal?
If staying in his home IS the shared goal, consider hiring some sort of overseer: a Care Co-Ordinator or Case Manager to work with Dad to co-ordinate all his services, appointments, meal delivery, home maintenace. To lighten your load. Delegate the tasks.
List everything he needs. It IS a lot, right?
This is because he is no longer fully independant. He just doesn't know it.
While I am sure he is comfortable where he is - the crux is - he is VERY dependant on family to maintain it all. It is getting too much.
If you all left for 2 weeks, could he shop, cook, pay bills? Arrange his meds? Appointments?
If no. Then it is time for everyone to accept he has already lost his independence. Staying home does not mean he is living independently. *He is living at home alone, DEpendently*.
Look up *Anosognosia*. The medical term for lack of insight.
This happens with brain changes, mental illness, stroke, TIAs, vascular Dementia & I would also guess short term memory problems too.
So that's my lived experience of others to explain WHY he can't see how much pressure & stress this causes onto the people supportong him.
As to the siblings that fly into "No! No assisted living!"
Yeah.. heard that too. Seems their own guilt at not doing more kicks them in the middle - then they turn on you.
I booked a family member into respite care as my family & I needed a holiday. Had asked a sib to cover. Nope, can't do. Prob be away/busy/not my job. Lo & behold once I went away sib went there visiting! Felt soo bad for them stuck there..
And sister 1 and 2 can suck it since those two lazy dumb azzes arent even doing the jobs they agrreed to do correctly. (This is in response to them exploding when you wanted to talk about placing dad in assisted living)
And, yes, it shocked me to the core that my sisters (Thing One and Thing Two for all you Seusians) actually screamed at me about assisted living. In fact, I would probably just be happy if he sold the damn house and bought a condo. The house is around 70 years old and the yard is relatively large so we're talking a lot maintenance for me. At least a condo would be taken care of by the management company. I could put that on the table if I'm able to arrange for a family mediation.
First there is no reason to monitor a 94 year old for cancer every 3 to 5 months.
It is possible he had a mass or tumor and it went away. It happened to my husband's grandma when her cancer came back at 80. She refused chemo and lived to 90. She did not die of cancer.
Are you going to treat dad for cancer if he does have it?
Second the caregivers your dad has are not enough to keep him in his home. Your siblings are phoning in their delegated responsibilities more than likely because they dont want to do the work.
Selling his house and using the money for his care in a nursing home is what should happen at this point. Unless you want to make yourself physically and emotionally sick trying to live your dads life and your own life.
2. Ignoring the liposarcoma is a no go. Just not going to happen. It isn't going to disappear and it has strange ways of metastasizing, i.e., lung and bone. He may not have surgery but I want to know what's going on.
3. My sisters do not want to do the work. Neither do I, when it comes down to it.
4. So far, and this may change, his caregiver hours seem to be working fine. At this point, and it may well change, his health (except for my sister's cooking) is not at risk.
5. I can't tell you how much I would love to sell the house. In fact, I'd love to burn it to the ground. But I don't have financial POA and no one else, including my dad, wants to sell it.
6. You are so right that I can't live my father's life and my own. That is exactly what I need to fix.
So it needs to stop.
Your elder would be much better in care where needs can be met without all this chaos. You can hire a financial Licensed Certified Fiduciary to handle the finances.
You cannot have a myriad of persons doing a bunch of jobs that are ill defined and all the others messing in what they are doing, and not knowing if ANYONE is doing a good job at what is being done.
You can consider family mediation; but I would venture that no one here is going to agree to what any/all others want.
The person who is doing financial needs to be the POA, and if not this is far far too loosey-goosey to pass muster legally at all. Without meticulous record keeping this would end in a total legal/financial mess. Forget about the grass growing! This is not going well.
I myself would back out of this situation completely.
Three bickering siblings trying to do a bit of this and a bit of that with no defined duties and agreement is a walking-talking-nightmare.
Clearly your own mental limitations are causing you stress; that won't change and in fact will only get worse. For your own good, suggest that there be one POA, and that your 94 year old father be safely (and likely happily) placed in care. If they will not do this tell you siblings that you are sorry, but you cannot continue in caregiving.
As to what they think or say about you, that's on them; you can deal with it with your talk therapist. You will be all the healthy for recognizing you have a right and a NEED to live your own life. Your father has had his life. Now is the time for you to be responsible TO yourself FOR yourself. I wish you the very best. This all sounds like a daily day-and-nightmare.
1. I have talked several times with my father and he is adamant that he will not go to assisted living. He refuses to even have lunch at a very nice place that I found. I have his medical POA but I doubt that will allow me to remove him to assisted living against his will as this is not related to HIS health.
2. About six months ago, I brought up assisted living for dad because I thought he might benefit from being around people rather than alone with caregivers as the only company. Sister 1 and Sister 2 exploded at me. This is not an exaggeration. They knocked my socks off. I was screamed at.
3. Sister 1 handles the finances. She has financial POA. I don't know how I can do anything about this without going to court.
4. I have a phone meeting tomorrow with a mediator to talk about how to get everyone together for a video mediation.
5. Duties are defined regarding cooking/shopping, financial, and medical. What is not defined is everything having to do with the damn house. I am just now throwing house maintenance things back on them. I just forwarded to all the siblings the electrician's estimate for installing an integrated smoke alarm system. I received no response. Because this has to do with his safety, I am compelled to follow through on it if they haven't already.
6. I would love to walk away from managing my father's medical care. I cannot do it because he has several conditions that are under control because of me. He also may have a cancerous tumor that requires regular MRIs. I know that Sister 1 will not do this because I asked her to do it when I was out of town for Thanksgiving and she did not. Sister 2 might take over so that might be worth asking.
7. What I can walk away from is all the stuff that comes along with the house. Except for things that would affect is safety, such as the smoke alarm system. If they don't care about the lawn, cleaning the gutters, shoveling the snow, fixing the fence, replacing broken appliances, etc. then I guess I shouldn't either.
7. You are right on the money when you say that I have to take care of my mental/physical health.
8. I know this doesn't make sense, but the best thing for my mental health right now is to get more involved rather than less.
9. If I can't come up with anything better, I may need to take Sister 1 to court and remove her as his financial POA agent. I would then hire a Licensed Certified Fiduciary or someone along those lines. If Sister 2 does not make him diabetic meals, I will make them and throw away anything she puts in the freezer.
10. Once I get a good therapist, I may come up with better answers. The last one I saw (twice) was okay but I didn't think she was a helpful sounding board.
11. I have to admit to myself that I am a perfectionist and get a grip on that. Thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts and suggestions.
You may be able to find an AL that will take him but he pays privately for that. Another option would be a nice LTC with Medicaid helping to offfset the cost.
If you all have to do what ur doing to keep Dad in his home, you are doing too much. You are expecting too much out of sisters who are tired of holding Dad up. They work at demanding jobs. They just don't walk in and teach and leave. The State requires certain things out of teachers paperwork wise. My SIL said it took her all Summer to get ready for the school year.
Please, look at this thru their eyes. You are expecting too much out of them. You are lucky they do what they do. Special diet, maybe sister doesn't like to cook especially for one person.
Time to talk about placing Dad.
I had a situation over thirty years ago where my mom became terminally ill from pancreatic cancer. I took on the responsibility of setting of hospice and did the running around for groceries, medications, and staying in contact with the hospice nurses. The nurse they sent was excellent. She came when mom was in the dying process and returned earlier that morning to dispose of medication, and finish up the process. The funeral home had been called and the body was picked up from the home. It was a process. Siblings did not have any hand in it. They all had jobs. I had a job too. According to them, it wasn't important. Then I had to go back to work as a Home Health Aide and pick up where I left off. I was left with the responsibility of taking care of my younger disabled sister. Nobody touched that with a ten foot pole. I got stuck with the care as well. I finally had her placed in a group home. Dad was dragging his heels on this one, but he had no choice but to move back to the family home and take over the responsibility. Of course, I got blamed for some imaginary problems when I moved out. He was mad because I refused to take over his house and take on a $30,000.00 house loan so that he and his new wife could move to Florida. That didn't happen. I moved a couple of weeks prior after my sister was due for placement. He wouldn't let me live that one down. Selfish people need to be taught that you cannot eat up someone else's time by inaction. Luckily for me, I had a support group, and good friends that helped me through this dilemma. Sometimes, you need to save yourself in a situation.
If sister is not paying bills in a timely manner, she is costing him money. Interest rates increase, penalties and late charges add up quickly, so a bookkeeping service would be ideal and cheaper then 21k in IRS penalties.
I would check into a personal chef that comes in every 2 weeks and prepares frozen dinners.
I would also find a handy man service and a housekeeper.
Dad obviously has some money, so use it for his care and needs.
One thing you need to remember, when others step in and do chores, we need to let them do it their way. We run people off by micro managing their actions and we give ourselves added stress.
Dad is 93, maybe he would rather enjoy some good food instead of keep his blood sugar at certain numbers. I am less worried about that then I am the sister not taking care of his finances in a responsible manner.
Step back and give yourself a break. You are making yourself sick and that is no good for anyone.
I also like the idea of hiring a company or person to cook better meals. Finding a good handyman is excellent too. I don't micro manage but sadly I admit that I'm a perfectionist and do need to give people room.
As for his blood glucose, it is simply not acceptable even at his age. And it's not high because she's giving him luxurious meals. It's because she her eating is poor (high in carbohydrates) and she gives him what she makes for herself and her boyfriend. The diabetic diet is a deal breaker.
Hiring people to take care of his needs is a great idea. The only drawback is that all of them will need some degree of management, though maybe not a lot. So, I cannot completely walk away.
I have some severe mental health issues but in addition it's hard to realize that my siblings have so little care for me. They just don't care what I'm going through. Plus I was not extremely fond of my father before he needed care. He always paid the bills, some which were quite high, but that was about that. So rage is buried in here and it's my responsibility to deal with it, and I'm trying.
People differ, siblings differ, where they live, time availability, finances, their other responsibilities. Caregiving aptitude or desire to assist others differs too.
So at present you & your siblings are running your Father's *Assisted Living for One*.
But his health needs keep increasing...
I'd say forget splitting the workload for now. Go back to basics. Put your Father back into the centre of this plan.
Can I ask: what IS the goal?
To keep things the same?
To keep your Father in good health? To keep him comfortable & looked after?
I've seen families trying to move heaven & earth to keep an elder in their home, when the elder was happy to move where there was a comfy bed, a hot meal & staff.
Re-examine your Father's care needs. Then re-work the care plan. Siblings offering help need to be honest about their level, this needs to be respected. Then you get a clear picture of how much non-family help is required.
*This is critical* This will show if the plan can work or not. If not, it is time for bigger changes.
Change is hard. But I believe it is worth looking at the situation with honesty. Moving from 'wishful thinking' that siblings do more to getting a new plan is the way forward.
But if you really are interested, you need to more carefully read what I wrote in my original post. No one is giving up her duty but each are doing their duty badly enough to cause my father harm. As for a goal, my father's goal is to stay right where he is because he is very comfortable. He is oblivious to what goes into making him comfortable and safe. He is adamant about not even visiting an assisted living facility. He doesn't care. My sisters don't really care. My brother, who lives in California, really doesn't care. He has never lifted a finger even to the point of even calling to see how things are going. So, I need to figure out a way not to care, I guess. Again, thanks for your thoughts.
By the way, some siblings on purpose are messy, incompetent, difficult, not listening, ignoring…so that YOU decide to do it, instead of “incompetent” them. In their own work life, they’re probably very competent. Meticulous. Some people intentionally do things badly (your siblings), so they won’t be asked to do more, and maybe you’ll even take on their tasks. In fact, it’s already working: you’re thinking of responsibly doing that.
Some siblings are awful, and nothing will change them.
But I think, it’s a good idea for you to express your anger towards them. They deserve to hear it. In fact you screamed. I think it’s good.
Don’t bottle up the anger.
I know lots of families where the siblings dumped it all on one sibling. This destroys the adult child’s life. The siblings don’t mind. They’re overjoyed it’s not them. They have peaceful days, while the other is totally stressed out.
I don’t know how you can get out of the situation. But please find a way.
Your life must not get sacrificed. Please.
by the way OP, you wrote, “has amazing short-term memory problems”. that sounds like dementia.
but there are many degrees of dementia. little bit…a lot.
i hope you’ll be all right OP! it’s a terrible situation to be in: exploitative siblings, who sacrifice your life.
explore all solutions, to avoid destruction of your life (stress, lost time, etc.).
Why does your brother do nothing ? Doing yard work and maintenance on your father’s house sounds like something he could do to help. Give him a list. Especially if your health is negatively affected. You may need to take a break or wind up in the hospital. Then what will your siblings do? I can tell you right now as the person in my family who does most of the work, it will never be even. Never. Sorry. But if they can at least come together to find a solution. Why not find a care facility? Why are you against that? No judgment, just curious.
Who has Power of Attorney for your father?