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I have posted on here previously and things are getting worse. I still don’t know what to do. I care for my 82 year old father who has Parkinson’s. His sleeping is worse; he’s up all night and sleeps during the day. I’ve hired a sitter but I could only afford 4 hours a day 5 days a week with two of those being at night. The cost is killing me, my dad can no longer get himself up so my back and shoulders and knees hurt, he can no longer clean himself after using the bathroom or pull his clothes up. I’m depressed and don’t know what to do. Because of Covid-19 I’m afraid to put him in the nursing home. Plus I feel like I’m failing him just thinking about it. And now I’m resenting being here. I love him so much but I feel I’m losing a battle.

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Dale
Could you call hospice to see if your dad qualifies? Under new Medicare guidelines, I believe he would. You would get some help and a regular period of respite. Up to five days each renewal period. This respite Might give you a chance to sort things out and find the right place for your dad. I have a cousin who cares for her mom with Parkinson’s and now also her dad who has dementia. I truly do not know how she does it but I can tell you she is not trying to work. She loves hospice. They have helped her so much. If you don’t already have them call them now. It’s a start and what Alva said about the helpers coming in already bringing a risk is so true. My cousin, her parents and two other family members have all had the Covid (courtesy of a helpful neighbor). Her dad was in the hospital twice. The all made it through. Her mom (who has been on hospice for three years) had the lightest case. You can’t predict what Covid will do, but we do know that what you are doing is unsustainable. Let us hear back from you. We care.
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Dale, unless you are independently wealthy I am terribly worried about you putting your own money into the care of your Dad to this extent. The cost must be enormous. There is no one who wants to put anyone into care right now. It is an ENORMOUS risk. But Dale, the truth is that the caregivers coming into your home now are going also to other home. They could be carrying this virus with them everywhere all unbeknowst to themselves. Quite honestly, with the caregivers coming and going his risk is not a whole lot different than being in care. I think you now recognize that you cannot continue long with this; covid is going to BE here a long time, even IF we get a vaccine. You are going to have to make choices, and there is no GOOD choice here. It just doesn't exist. Just today a poster posted that we MUST be cognizant of the stress 24/7 caregivers are under, was medivacted out for a major surgery to which stress may have been contributory. The things is, if you go down where will Dad be then?
I am so dreadfully sorry. There are so many now undergoing this dreadful stress. I know you aren't asking for answers and know there may not be any. I am just asking you if you will begin to explore your own human limitations, just in the hope for your self preservation.
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The worry about COVID is secondary to the worry about your own health. I'm afraid this pandemic will be with us for some time yet. The stress of caregiving, the financial strain of caregiving and the endlessness of caregiving already is causing you to “resent being there”. I find myself repeating this mantra over and over again to caregivers... Know your caregiving limits!! Don't let your caring be at the expense of your health. Continuing to care for dad in your present frame of mind can result in a downward spiral for you both that could cause you to become desensitized to your dad's needs. He requires more care that you can offer at this point. Seek out a care facility to improve both your own life and your dads.
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I empathize with you. My mom has Parkinson’s disease. She lived in my home for 15 years.

As you and I know, Parkinson’s disease is progressive and there is no cure. It doesn’t ever get easier caring for a parent with Parkinson’s disease. It only gets worse.

I got to a point where I became exhausted. I am no longer my mother’s caregiver. I felt instant relief when she moved in with my brother and is now receiving hospice care.

Have you contacted Council on Aging to help? Or hospice? Paying for care is very expensive. I don’t see how you can keep paying for caregivers. It has begun to effect you financially.

Can you do some research to see if there are any facilities that are protecting their residents as much as possible from Covid? I do understand your concerns.

I hope you find relief soon.
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You really sound like you are close to the breaking point. Nursing homes are not as dangerous as they were in March with regard to CoVid. It is the lack of visiting and resultant loneliness that is the bigger health issue now.

Start looking into home care and/or placement for your Dad. Call the local Department for the Aged in your county and just start getting an idea of what your options might be and how you might pay for it. If your dad is a Veteran, he may be eligible for some aid there.

There comes a point where the physical care is just too much for one person. You sound like you are there.
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I posted earlier and was thinking about you and checking in on you. Depression is heartbreaking and can be debilitating. It is not uncommon for caregivers to experience it.

Let us know how you are doing. Take care.
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Is there a reason he can't go to a skilled nursing facility? COVID is a risk when caregivers are coming in to the home as much, maybe more, than it would be in a well run nursing home. A good nursing home is now very much aware of COVID and screens their caregivers and also requires that they take precautions in their care of others.

Seems like he needs the kind of care a nursing home can best provide. You can't continue to take on the care he needs by yourself. And obviously the care you are paying for isn't enough despite the financial burden on you. He just needs more than you are possibly able to provide. No wonder you are depressed! You are attempting the impossible.

Please check into any assistance he may be eligible for from Medicare, VA etc. (Other posters here may suggest specifics) Even researching this may "get you off the dime" and provide at least some relief from your sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Don't feel guilty and don't let him make you feel guilty (if he is inclined to do so). It would be best for him and for you. Who knows, he may experience a sense of relief, too, discovering that he can get his care needs met without depending on you. (I've seen this happen). Full time care for him is the only reasonable solution, in my opinion.
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Please see your primary care doctor. You have physical issues that must be addressed. In addition, please consider seeing a psychiatrist. Depression is the common cold of mental health. Take time to get some weekly therapy time (there are online counsellors) to discuss new ways to manage stress and coping with caring for your dad.

I know that COVID is a concern for everybody right now. Residential facilities have gotten better about handling COVID and CDC protocols. Please consider getting your dad into one since you are having pain issues as well as not getting enough sleep.
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I can understand, my father had Parkinson's as will. I'm sorry, it is only going to get worse. You may not want to hear this, but I wouldn't advise draining your income/savings on his care. His funds should pay for his care. You will need your money for later in life. He belongs in a nursing home where he will get supervised 24 hour care. My father's NH took extremely good care of him, it was the absolutely the best situation for him. You will feel so much better knowing that his needs will be met much better than you can do at home.
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Ask a caregiver, Dear caregiver, you are very courageous in all you do as a caregiver. Yet, no matter how much you love your dad, you cannot give more than you can give. You are exhausted leading to depression signs that you are most likely be suffering from compassion fatigue. Most caregivers in your situation are grieving, called anticipatory grief, as each day you are loosing more of your father. Yet what you are doing is killing you. So, you have to admit you can no longer do this your self. You are not superwoman. It is apparent to me that you can no longer care for him alone. If here were alert, I am sure that he would want the best for you.
Your feelings of resentment are normal reactions to abnormal situations.
it seems to me he does need to be placed in a nursing home. Talk to his doctor about what nursing homes he would recommend. Your father is not going to know the difference.
So you may not be able to visit. This is difficult for you. But the issue is not his. You are not letting him down. You are not letting yourself down, just recognizing that this is just another step of your grief and the awareness that you are letting him go.
Start easy, talk to spouse, family, friends, pastor. They will support you during your grieving process.
Dr. Ed Smink Author of “The Soul Of of Caregiving a Caregiver’s Guide to Healing and Transformation.”
www.https:soulofcaregiving.com
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