I feel terribly guilty feeling like this but I had to sell my house, leave my job, move a hour and a half away from my kids and all my friends. He is 98 and going strong. I have no family help and I'm starting to get resentful. I keep asking myself when will I get my life back? I promised my Mom and him I wouldn't put him in a home. I am now regretting it.
Oh that's enough ranting for now!!!
Would your mom want you to keep your dad safe?
It sounds like keeping him in his home with you as a sole caregiver is not mentally safe for you.
He is going to need more care, are you physically able to care for him as he needs more help? Is there a possibility that you could get hurt caring for him? Is there a possibility that he could get hurt with you caring for him?
If you were to place him in a Memory Care facility with staff trained to care for him you could return to being his daughter and not be his caregiver. Let the last years of his life not be ruined by resentment that you feel. Let your last memories of his life not be ruined by remembering the soiled bed, the task of cleaning him after a bowel movement, the everyday tasks that you do to keep him well.
Placing him in Memory Care is not giving up, not a failure to keep a promise it is admitting that his care is ore than you can do at home.
Another option would be to hire a full time caregiver that can relieve you of much of this burden.
Maybe if possible start with some respite care, adult day care, whatever will offer some relief, look into anything in your area.
I am caregiver to husband with Parkinson diagnosed 7 years ago, but totally self sufficient except for last 2 years and he is easy going, but, if I don‘t get relief/ respite I would scream.
Actually, I am going to get more, as disease progresses.
Physically, I am strong and healthy but, realistically my 120 pounds to his 180 is no match, if more lifting is required. Mentally, I developed total resilience, self preservation, no quilt.
Realistically, entering 60s and judging by family history of females living well to 90, I need to create life for myself.
Abolish any guilt first, resentment and any other emotions are normal. Caregiving is roller coaster with no escape and no perfection required, it is no regular 9-5 job when we finish and feel good when we accomplished everything for a day.
We never accomplish everything as caregivers. Accepting and putting yourself first is not selfish but necessary.
Well, As Poet and author and Undertaker Thomas Lynch says "The dead don't care". He says that once you are dead there is nothing that can be done WITH you, ABOUT you, TO you, or ABOUT you.
Now on to the living. You should not sacrifice your own life, and the life of the family which is your FIRST obligation, to the needs of an elder, in my humble opinion. You have already made many move I never would have considered for a second. What of the abandonment of your own nuclear family? Parent are obligated to care for children and those children are obligated to care for THEIR OWN children and so on down the line.
Your father has had 10 years of your care. It is time to either move him with you to where you can care for him by visiting him in a Nursing Facility or to place him in his own area if he might prefer that. You don't mention if he is mentally competent to understand when you explain to him the facts of your life; that matters, but it isn't a deal breaker.
You mention guilt. Please change that to another G-word which is grief. Grieving our parents losses is right and proper and their losses are worth grieving. However, you are not an evil doer. Guilt infers that there is something you can do to change things, to make them better, and in fact you are a human being with limitations. Please embrace them and make the right decisions for your own life and the life of your children. Your father has had his life. You still have one. And yes, he may well live another 5 or more years. Do know that.
I wish you the best. Your choices are your own and only you can make choices for your own life. They are the choices and the repercussions of which you will live with ongoing.
You won't get your life back until dad passes away, in reality. Unless you place him in managed care. If you are resentful and burned out, what level of care are you able to provide dad at home? Is it the best care he can get? That's an honest question to ask yourself, not one that requires an answer or that you get self defensive about. You can also hire full time paid caregivers to come into the home to relieve you of your duties and give you time off; that is the most realistic option for the immediate moment. You can even hire 2 people; one for the daytime hours and another for the night shift if dad is up a lot in the night.
"Putting a parent in a home" is often the best answer for BOTH of you, since there are two lives on the line, not just one. My mother was cared for by teams of people in her Memory Care ALF who genuinely loved her and went the extra mile to see to it that all her needs were met or exceeded. Plus she had my DH and I visiting her, along with her grandkids and great grandson. It worked out very well, and I have no regrets. I honored my promise to my father to make sure mom was cared for, right up until the day she passed in February. I did not have to ask family to step in and help me, as an only child, either, and there was little resentment or burn out to deal with. Not that it was easy or a cake walk to manage my parents lives in AL either, it wasn't, there was still a ton to do on my end. But it was easier than having them living with me.
Remember that you didn't 'have to' do the things you did, you chose to. And you can choose to change your situation now or at any time down the road, too. It's up to YOU. Good care is out there for dad that's not inside your home or at the expense of your mental health. Your life matters too, regardless of any promises you made to your mother on her deathbed. Circumstances change and we need to be amenable to making changes accordingly instead of holding onto promises made under duress.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
I know I sound defensive but a promise to both of my parents is a promise and I take that to heart. I appreciate your input maybe this isn't the right site for me...
If you can, get a counselor but make sure they have experience dealing with adults taking care of their parents. Otherwise there are some great post here.
I recall a news story a few months ago where a worker at a care facility was arrested for recording her sexual assaults and raping many male residents with dementia (late 80s, early 90s)
In another post, you say you are 53; your profile says that dad has dementia.
What you've done in the past-quitting your job, uprooting yourself--is water under the bridge.
In the here and now, you are getting older and dad is, even gradually, becoming harder to care for. Dementia is progressive and one person caring for a dementia patient adds up to burnout. It sounds to me like you're there.
You have a couple of choices. Evaluate dad's finances and figure out how much help you can hire.
Talk to your local Area Agency on Aging and find out what caregiver support might be available.
Look into Adult Day Care in your area.
Tall to dad's doctor about whether he's eligible for hospice.
Look into respite at local Assisted Living places.
If dad can afford 2 weeks of respite, either with in-home care or at an AL, book yourself a vacation and see if you can gain some clarity about a good plan that works for YOU going forward.
Caregiving is a two way street; it only works if it works for both people.
It is time you rethink your life. Do you really think it was your mother's intention for you to give up your life for your father?
You will not get your life back until your father passes or you decide to take it back. The only way you can take it back is to break a promise that was made many years ago in a totally different situation.
Look into the advice provided here and get back to your kids. Even if they’re older and don’t need you every day, they still need you, They come first!
I think the best way to get your life back (as you have asked yourself) is taking little steps - they eventually add up....whatever you think would help - whether it's getting some intermittent care for your dad at home - an aide for a few hours so you could find time for yourself - to go out - or to pamper yourself - whatever it is - to focus on you. Or maybe it's finding work remotely for now - or finding some activity to meet other friends in the area that you moved to ...whatever you feel will bring a lift to your spirit. Or if there's a senior center near you, perhaps your dad would benefit.
Wishing you peace and lots of happiness - and I hope you become easier on yourself - you deserve that! XO
Promises like no facilities for elders are
pointless, put him in a home and retake your life.
(((hugs))) It was so good of you to honor your mom's memory by stepping up and taking care of your dad. It's a hard decision to make. I know us women want to be helpful and tend to be selfless and unconditional but the emotional costs are high.
None of us know how we are going to feel till we are in the trenches for a long period of time. We even ignore our own feelings and keep soldiering on. It's so hard.
Please know you are valuable and your feelings matter too. It's all your love and care that has sustained your dad to 98 years young. But from everything you've said it might be time to take some other steps.
I know I too feel a lot of resentment about caring for my parents. I was burned out and so angry. Looking back I should have taken other steps and asked for more help. Trying to do it all was a mistake.
Please know we are here for you. (((hugs)))
Do you ever get a break?
You sound like you need a vacation in the worse possible way. Check with dads insurance and see if they cover respite care. Then you can get that scheduled and schedule a vacation for yourself.
It's great you are taking care of your dad but, you matter too.
Please find a way to get regular breaks after your respite.
First, I've come into an understanding that even credit agencies write-off past due debts after 7 years & that's if one doesn't file bankruptcy. One always has the option to file bankruptcy with any debt owed to a financial institution & you're speaking to caregiving as a promised debt to be paid.
What we're really talking about is "means" isn't it? For banks and credit agencies the concern is a financial means in the promise to pay. For the caregiver, it's that and more. The caregiver needs the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and financial means to meet the promise. 10 years is a LONG time to be paying on that debt in all those ways.
Understand that even as children, we grow to become more independent. A parent isn't having to deal with the "terrible two's" year after year after year. With the elderly, it's the inverse as independence reduces and demands greaten with each passing year & with no light at the end of the tunnel to indicate freedom on the horizon.
No break while the kids are at school or soccer practice. It's 24 hours non-stop and often times despite how tired or sick oneself might be while one's own needs and wants are continually put aside.
That's not sustainable for even a Saint. No-one can maintain that level of selflessness for reasons that they're own health will decline, and they'll be of help to no-one. It's to keep writing checks one doesn't have the funds in the bank to cash. The account's used up and depleted.
The guilt just builds more resentment and makes it worse.
Your parents shouldn't have asked you to make any such promise. That's selfish on their part and they took a lot for granted about your own health, happiness, and well-being as if it's in infinite supply abundant enough for 10 years or more of enslavement to a promise that capitalized on guilt.
I'd say your dues are paid, and you have to ask yourself how good is the caregiving of someone growing bitter, resentful, and plagued by guilt? Your parents also took for granted that you could and would always be the best caregiver when maybe other options would be better?
For myself, I have a real sense of duty, loyalty, and responsibility that's caused me to do too much for too long. Whether I and my grandma like it or not, I'm wore down and out. Denying the truth of that helps neither one of us and that's what I'm having to face.
My mother is 97, and in AL, she loves it, new friends her own age, activities, a nice dining room and a lovely apartment.
Moving him is not a punishment, it will be fine. Time to take back your power, your life.