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I never had a good relationship with my mother. She emotionally and physically abused me as a child. I mostly ignored her and went about my life as soon as I was old enough to realize something was wrong with her and heavily relied on other family and friends for support. I moved out as soon as I financially could and have kept a very distant relationship with her until my dad died. Although my dad was mostly absent as a child, he tried to right his wrongs and we forged a very close relationship once I was an adult. But as a result of her narcissistic disorder and how she treated me I have suffered from depression and anxiety and have had extensive therapy to resolve my conflicted feelings. Fast forward to January of this year, her aggressive and abusive behavior escalated because of Dementia. I knew it was bad for my dad so I took FMLA to stay with them until I could find a suitable aid to assist. Unfortunately my dad could no longer take her abuse and he committed suicide at 80. I am totally heart broken and torn apart over his death. We had taken some steps toward planning for the future prior to his death and as a result I am her POA and healthcare proxy now.


I put my career on hold and moved in with her. The abuse I endure every day is wearing me down. I thought I' had resolved all these feelings from my childhood but they have resurfaced. And I am really angry at her for my dads death. I have an aid that comes in 2-3 times a week to relieve me but even if Im out she's constantly asking the aid to call me. I'm waiting for Medicaid to kick in and as soon as it does, I'm out of here. I have no kids, no husband. Just me. Its easy to say I'll leave but when I see her lost and confused, my heart breaks. How do I get over this guilt?

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"Guilt" there is no room for it when one is a caregiver. You do the best you can and move forward, with it. Guilt, is a self imposed emotion, she will be confused and dazed whether you are there or not, let her be handled by trained clinical people who can handle her without any guilt.

You are in what is called FOG...Fear leads to..Obligation..which leads to...Guilt!
Break the cycle, no need for you to put yourself under any additional stress.
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AlejandraS Oct 2019
Thank you so much for your reply. When you are in the thick of things it is hard to see things objectively. You've helped me put some perspective on it.
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My goodness, of course you are worn down. I am saddened and so sorry about your dad's passing. I keep reading that it is not uncommon for a caregiver to pass away earlier than those they were caring for. You matter and your happiness in this life matters. You are not responsible for your mother being lost and confused with her illness, and it is not your burden to carry. If you can, schedule more time for an Aid for sit with your mom and get out of the house. Let the phone calls go to voicemail. Do what you can to make sure that medicaid comes through so you are no longer the one giving hands on care. Once in place, you can oversee it remotely. Those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents tend to put our parent's happiness and well-being above our own, just as we were programmed at a young age without even knowing it. The FOG as mentioned by another poster here is very real. You do not owe it to your parent to sacrifice your own health and well-being for their benefit.
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AlejandraS Oct 2019
Thank you ❤
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How do you get over the guilt? I don't know for sure, to be honest. But I do know this: if you don't get yourself untangled from this mess, you're going to wind up in bad health, both mentally and physically. When the guilty feelings start to seep in, remind yourself of the daily abuse she's heaping on you. Remind yourself that your dear father took his own life rather than put up with one more moment of torment from her. Your mother is lost and confused because she's in the throes of dementia. If she wasn't, she'd put on The Look just to make you feel bad......to make sure you're feeling guilty & obligated to take care of her. Either way YOU LOSE. You cannot win with a person like this, and you know that.

So what's the answer? While you're out and about with the aid caring for your mother, turn your phone off. You are INCOMMUNICADO when not at home, period, so let the aid know that right away. If you don't find some quiet time for yourself between now and when you leave her home, your anxiety and depression will only worsen.

It's time to think about YOURSELF now, my friend. It's okay to do that. Your mother has destroyed enough lives already, don't you think? You deserve a fresh start and a new life without constant abuse; we all do. Make plans to move out the MINUTE Medicaid comes through, and don't chicken out! You can check in on her as you wish, by phone preferably, and get on with the business of living your life in PEACE.

Enough is enough.

Best of luck!
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AlejandraS Oct 2019
Thank you! ❤
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I can empathize with you because I'm single with no kids also. One thing you should do is to keep seeing a good therapist who can help you with your feelings. I have had to go to counselors to help me deal with family. One of the things I have learned to do is to have boundaries, and you need to let the home care people know that, unless it is an emergency, they are not to call you when you are away. Also look into your state's Department of Aging to see about respite programs also. Getting her into a facility that knows how to deal with abusive behavior is already on your list, I'm sure. You don't have anything to feel guilty about - there are plenty of people who would not even help at all if they had been abused. In fact, there are even kids who came from loving and supportive homes who don't help out!
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AlejandraS Oct 2019
Thank you for your kind words ❤
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Yes self car is a priority . And as one posted the FOG(fear,obligation,and guilt) can be overwhelming at times. There are a plethora of social services out there to help in these matters. I would also maybe find support groups to help in these cases. I personally am a member of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers( female only group) that has be immensely Beyond help in this. As In you are absolutely NOT ALONE. Mine has been intolerable since my Dads passing. The time has come for her care to be done. It is a shame that Society Still dictates the ol well she’s your mother, oh you only have one, blah blah blah,, we don’t tend to where T-shirts that say we’ll she was abusive To me, She was abusive to my Dad, she was abusive to everybody, so now she gets a pass. I would probably have to reflect on the way my Dad passed,as utterly horrific as it was ,,, and let the buck stop with me.
i am sorry about your dads passing.
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AlejandraS Oct 2019
Thank you for your reply. She has single-handedly alienated the entire family. Prior to my dads passing very little extended family kept in contact because she was such a pot-stirrer always causing fights for what she perceived to be major slights from others. This included alienating my dad from his own family. Some have now come around because of my dads death. Still others want nothing to do with her because they blame her for my dads death. So do I, to a large degree although the ultimate decision was his. He had other alternatives. I also have a sibling who is a narcissist who has called Adult Protective Services on me for abusing my mother. Those allegations have been determined to be unfounded. He has also made death threats against me and my other sibling. This is what I deal with every day. I have an order of protection but in my sibling's words 'a piece of paper will not keep me away.' He is beyond angry that my dad left me in charge and I have imposed a boundary by which his contact with her is limited. If I allow total contact, they will wreak further damage upon this family and eventually implode or attack each other. Sadly, the apple fell right near the tree and they have a sick twisted relationship.
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