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The paranoia is getting so bad they think I’m taking & hiding things such as their TV remote control, ice cream scooper, set of keys, etc and they are starting to think I’m just here for inheritance. My mother is the one that’s misplacing the items but she won’t admit it. They are both severely delusional, they both hallucinate and they are super paranoid, with all of these they just continue to get worse.
I’ve put my own life aside and I’ve been here for 7 years. I drive them to Dr appts, make meals, clean, laundry, taking care of my own dog plus theirs, etc and now that they are getting so bad to the point where they absolutely cannot take care of themselves and need me or someone (dad refuses anyone he doesn’t know to come inside the home) they want me to move out. They need to sell their home because they have two sets of stairs with the longest, worst one being the one they have to use to get from their bedroom down to the front door, kitchen & dining area. My father has fallen down them twice. I just keep praying my mother doesn’t take a tumble, she’s come very close a few times now. It scares me because of her osteoporosis and her being so frail and off balance. I’ve been here for many accidents and the ones that are really bad my dad goes into shock instead of calling 911. My mother would not be here if it weren’t for me being here during two different falls and me knowing the need to call 911. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do, I’m so burnt out but yet I’m so afraid to leave them here alone. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

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Have they been evaluated for any type of dementia by a healthcare professional? That would probably be the first step. You would need to give the doctor a "heads up" before bringing them.

Also, check into elder care agencies in your state. Texas has "adult protective services" and they can do welfare checks.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
My father has been diagnosed and is on meds (they aren’t helping) but my mom isn’t even though her Dr is aware of her mental state, she has told mom that she thinks she needs to speak to a psychiatrist and all that did was make mom very angry so she is now looking for a new family physician. I need to speak to dads neurologist ASAP, just not sure who to speak with for my mother. It says on my profile I’m taking care of my mother but as you see I’m taking care of both so it’s been a double whammy for me. I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind most days now especially now that dad told me to get the hell out of here. Btw, I hadn’t done anything for him to say this, he’s just very mean and is getting more mean by the day, to both my mother and I but my mom can be just as hateful as him now, I guess it’s all part of having dementia. Thank you for your advice, it’s much appreciated.
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I'd call ADP and give them a heads up; tell them what you wrote us. If your folks get mad, so what? They want you out anyway, right? Tell ADP they are non compliant and refuse other help, want you (their only helper) out now, and are at risk.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you. You have a point, they are already mad so why care if they get upset, I’m only looking out for their welfare and know they cannot be left alone. I will make a call tomorrow.
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Take your life back. They need more help than you can give and their home is no longer safe. I wish you well and hope your parents find a safe place. Then if you wish to visit them you can.
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rovana Mar 2019
Yes, it sounds like they really need memory care or at least some kind of assisted living. Things get to the place where "aging in place" is just not realistic. They may resist, but seriously how good is their judgment? You would not let a toddler drive your car would you? They get made? Well, a toddler in a tantrum does not therefore have improved judgment.
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First are they on medication? it sounds like they need to be on medication because if they’re on medication the dementia will subside , they may still have a little bit of it but not as much I know it’s hard and I know it’s very nerve-racking for your parents to be saying that you’re stealing this is stealing that but just stick it out. They need you !
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Where are you getting your information? That is almost liable to say meds will get rid of most the dementia, it also provides false hope.
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Oh, I feel for yoj, it totally sux, my mom kicks me out probably 4x a week and is sooo hateful. Ya I'm beginning the process of putting her in a home, it will not be fun.
Definatley call adult protective services, I wish I'd have reached out to them before they reached out to us (due to my brother stealing money) but turns out they are SUPER helpful, but ya gotta ask them for help and they understand believe me I was actually shocked how much they were concerned about my health caring for my mom.
Icannot believe there's 2 stairways, ya APS should come and check out the hazards there at the house.
I gave up my.life too, I feel for you. I feel so isolated and an unproductive member of society. I miss my own place, car, job, social life. I guess just know you're not alone. You can msg me anytime if u want to vent
Good luck xxx
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gdaughter Mar 2019
LOL..only 4 times a week! Well, 3 days you're safe! Glad to hear something positive about APS. At this moment all is well at our home but due to stories I have heard I am anxious that my stress-reduction plan to get help may open us up to the judgements of outsiders who could report if they think something is off and that is making me wonder about leaving things as they are and not rocking the boat, so to speak.
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I commend you for taking care of your parents.

Maybe its a good idea to move them to the first floor?

DO NOT focus on what they did to you,. This will hold you back in life. Focus your attention on the issues at hand. In the end, when they are no longer here and you reflect on the time spent with them, there will be no regrets.

Just agree with everything they say and change the subject to something more pleasing...

I know it is not an easy task for you. It also was not an easy task for our parents taking care of us when we were children.

My father passed when I was Nine. Today, I wish I could have had more time with him. Your parents [regardless of how much of a burden some find them to be] are our earthly Gods and we MUST do everything we can for them. In the end, you will be blessed in abundance... Money cannot buy the best of health, joy, laughter, happiness and a heart which overflows with contentment.

All the best.

If we approach anything we do in life as a burden. A BURDEN it will become.

It will get better.
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rovana Mar 2019
Parents are not Earthly Gods - only God is God.  We do not have to do everything we can for them - we matter too and should never be expected to put up with abuse. This is not good for the victims, but it is not good for the abuser because I believe they will answer to God for the evil they have done. Better to honor your parents in a reasonable way, but to also honor other people. Nobody is ever anybody else's legitimate prey.
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Do you have POAs in place for both of them? If so, it maybe time for a LTC facility for both of them. Its too much for you to handle. As their caregiver, you may be able to remain in the house. APS can help you with this decision.
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Put your POA in place. I think if you haven't started the looking for a MC facility then that would be at the top of your list. You don't want to deal with the combativeness, if it gets to that. It may be easier to move them now.
Redirect -- If you get accused of taking things try telling them "oh I move it and I will get it in a minute. They want you to move out tell them "I'm packing up but haven't found a place yet".
Take the knobs off the stove. Make sure the water heater is set so the water doesn't get too hot when running the hot water. Knives should be put away in a locked cupboard along with tools. Get a security camera inside the house so when you are gone you can keep an eye on them (Ring is good cuz it records sound).
I know dogs are part of the family but they require work can they be relocated to a friends house temporarily until mom and dad are moved?
blessings
hgnhgn
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you! I do appreciate all of this advice. The nanny cam and Ring are really great ideas and what I need. If you read through you’ll see my next of plans. It’s all going to be ok. 🙏🏻
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I would call 911... they'll be evaluated at the hospital...and after 3 days be transferred to a nursing home. Sounds like they need help immediately....Contact an elder lawyer...and start power of attorney and Medicaid forms ASAP, if you haven't done so....they will get worse as time goes by. Take care of yourself...
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you 🙏🏻
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barb, please let us know how you’re doing! There’s the adult protective services recommendation, and also the mode to use the next call to 911. You’ve done so much, you’re going to be okay, it sounds like it’s just time to escalate asap. It is SO very hard.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
I’m ok, thank you so much for asking. I’ve answered a few people on here but this week and next will come some big changes.
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I feel for you! I have been through the same with my 91 year old mother with dementia. She accused me of stealing, called her friends. Bank, and attorney friend to bad mouth me. I am her only caregiver. I live with her and take care of her 24/7. She tells me to leave her house every day, then she says I am the best cook and best daughter and thanks me for taking care of her. Her dr put her on an anti psych med to calm her down from the anger. The nurses and dr. Said that medication given morning and night will be my best friend. Since she has been taking it for a few months, she is totally aware of what is happening and she never accuses me of stealing. She still tells me to leave her house, when I insist she change her depends. Consult their dr about a med. Good luck.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
Old scripts huh? I almost laugh at this point since I know I'm the glue holding up this house of cards, so to speak. But it saddens me to realize this is at her core how she feels about it. And yet at other times she is appreciative. A real love-hate-love relationship. I've learned a lot from the alzheimer's assn support group specifically for sons and daughters.
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Are you their POA? If so, get them to a facility stat! Have them evaluated by a doctor and take it from there.
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I think this is the way some elderly folks are in their last years, unfortunately. All they have is what they see around them -- their things -- that's their measure of the life they have/had. Their world gets smaller and smaller and is reduced to their things and the rooms they walk through. My 86yo mother is this way, but she was always negative and suspicious. It blew-up with dementia. Drugs haven't helped -- they make her a groggy, paranoid person. This is who she is in the last phase of her life.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
So sad. I do think if a person has issues when young. It is magnified in their older years. Happened with my husband’s grandma. She died alone because no one could stand being with her anymore. A shame. I had asked my husband to go see her in the hospital one last time. He wouldn’t. Didn’t want to see her.

This hateful woman wrote hate letters to everyone before she died.
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Do not leave. You are the parent there.

Call Elder Services, an elder attorney and their doctor.

Perhaps the doctor can write a letter saying "unfit" without seeing them.

They are losing it, it's not about you...tough love is required, stand strong, and KNOW you are doing what's best for them, even though they don't get it!

My parents ended up in hospital and then rehab which really helped me execute moving them out of their house.

May it all go smooth for you. Let us know how it goes...
God-speed!
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
I will let y’all know ASAP! Gosh, I wish I would of reached out to you all sooner but I’m just grateful for all the love & support and the advice I need and have needed for quite some time now.
God bless!
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CHeck in with the local office on aging. Be sure you get a CERTIFIED elder law specialist; try to get one who charges flat rates for a consult and the paperwork that must be done. I hope you have POA for financial stuff so you can pay from their funds, not your own...although hopefully you can be reimbursed if you do. It will be a small investment in everyone's well-being.

If you get desperate there is always adult protective services, but at this point, I would say the suggestions to call their MD and a lawyer would be better. I'm sorry you didn't do so sooner, but the sooner the better, for your own well being.
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Today, as soon as you finish reading this, contact the office on aging, an elder attorney and agencies who help with the elderly. This is a situation beyond a true horror story. YOU CANNOT AND MUST NOT CONTINUE TO CARE FOR THEM . . . YOU CAN'T DO IT AND THEY WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR. Do not have any sense of guilt or obligation - you have demonstrated enough of that in caring for them so far. Both of these people MUST IMMEDIATELY BE PLACED INTO A SAFE SECURE FACILITY where they will be cared for and you can start having your life back. Get a Power of Attorney and do whatever you must to take over their affairs - there are people who will help with this. YOU are the BOSS, not them - don't even for a moment let them get away with anything or you are doomed. If there are financial problems, there is help available. Whatever happens, you must get them out of your presence at once and placed. Don't be afraid - the time has come - do it now.
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Wow, you have a lot of issues here.

First, has their primary care physician referred them to a neurologist to get a dementia diagnosis? That seems to be in order.

Actually, this is first - the falling down the stairs; and you've been there 7 years. Honey, you need emotional support like yesterday, because you need to install a stair-chair system, baby gates until you get one, hire a caregiver immediately to work with you - I'm going to cut to the chase, so though I may sound harsh, it's actually loving compassion. YOU stand the risk of elder neglect charges (which no one here is going to do, but listen to what I'm saying) because YOU are their caregiver and are not taking proper measures to protect themselves from themselves. Straight up, they sound like bullies and they are team against you. Now, the real hard way about this, is to have a social worker come to your home to evaluate them/the situation - maybe it'll take a trip or two, but I bet you the result is that they will be required to have 24/7 caregiving or you'll be told they have to go into a facility for self-protection. TRUTH: My little ol' mean tough lady got up to walk when I wasn't in the room (she knew she had to have help because she was too unsteady) & of course, fell, on a low table, and put a small fracture in her hip. Had surgery, went to rehab, and before she was released, the head of the facility & a social worker interviewed us (me, the son & her), and point blank told us - get 24/7 care or she goes to a facility. She wouldn't even be release until we signed a statement she'd get 24/7 care immediately. Later I asked her why she did that because she knew she needed help and this was her answer, "because I wanted to do it myself." So, no evil intent there, but reality is reality. We have to do what we have to do sometimes.

If you're too burnt out at the moment, which it sounds like you are, because you're allowing things that should not be..NOT to say you don't care!! There's only so much anyone can take. (Not to get religious on you, but even Jesus asked for the 'cup to be passed from him' if possible - he cried out to his father for help!). It's so good that you wrote & cried out for help!!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to care for them PROPERLY...AND YOURSELF! Whether they like it or not. You are right. YOU ARE RIGHT - this is wrong; with your parents acting the way they are. GET HELP. Get help honey.

I hope we all help you to get started moving on this. You CAN do it. Get in touch with a local office on aging and go from there. Big hugs..go - go do this.
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Lizhappens Mar 2019
I agree with Riley2166 below. Let me clarify - true - you can't do this anymore, the way it is. I am encouraging you that you CAN change this situation - for the better; for you and for them. So, stop; & change it.
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Barbij81; Wow whew wee holy cow you got your full plate in front of you !! OK SO what I would do is ask their Dr. To have them both put in a nursing home at the same time to have medicine evaluated or start with the emergency room 1 at a time let their dr know before you do this and explain in full what is happening they can go to hospital 1st then instead of coming streight home put in a Nursing home for 100 days for rehab on their insurance !! You see this will get their medications in order maybe some anti phychotic medications are needed anti depressants and such then that will give u time to get the house lined up cleaned up and a much needed BREAK and then NH social worker can help convince mom& dad they need help ....and to downsize on their home maybe look at independent liveing You poor soul Please talk yo their DR. if that Dr does not work find 1 who will help you
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Lorraine, you can't just decide to put them in rehab for 100 days at the insurance companies expense. There is a whole host of things that are required for them to receive that much rehab.

My dad was almost dead and the insurance decided that since he could transfer from bed to wheelchair he was good to go home.

I just hate to see someone have false hope and thinking 100 days is yours to command, is false hope.
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Barb,

My husband’s grandfather on his dad’s side got very ‘irritable’ in his old age. He fired his caregiver and housekeeper every single day! When they were hired to help they were told they would be fired by him and to ignore it. Two minutes later, he would forget that he fired them. Hard to deal with, I am sure. His caregiver and housekeeper were angels.

I hope you get this worked out. So stressful for you. You don’t deserve this kind of life.

I don’t think I would even want to be with them. Look at this as an escape opportunity.

You know now that you cannot keep them safe every single minute. There are two of them and one of you. Double trouble! They will be safe. You will feel better about that. You will feel relief about being able to live life again. Ask their doctor if there is a social worker on staff that you can speak with. Social worker can make suggestions for how to have them placed as soon as possible.
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I echo Riley's post. YOU MUST NOT, YOU CANNOT AND YOU SHOULD NOT stay in this situation! Good grief; you'll go mad. I am sorry, but their living situation is NO LONGER YOUR BURDEN. Get a social worker to assist in relocating them. You've done "your just due and then some." If you continue to stay with and care for them, their behavior patterns will turn into your own. Do not let it!
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you 🙏🏻
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I agree with everyone here. You need to protect yourself. I know it is not easy to consider placing them in a facility. Yes they will hold it against you. Long explanations r a waist of energy for you. If I were in your position this is the lie I would tell them, " I understand that your memory is causing you to think that I am to blame for missing items in the house. I want you to know that I love you and would never take from you. If you are absolutely certain you want me to leave, I will respect your wishes. I need you to understand that your doctor has determined that neither of you can safely stay in your home by yourself, and because you refuse anyone else coming into your home that only leaves 1 alternative which is that you will be placed in a facility equipt with everything you will need to stay safe from falls among other things. Legally, I could get into trouble if I leave here without first putting something in place where you will be cared for in my absents. Since you don't have the financial means to have 24 hour care provided in your own home, your only option is to move to a nursing home. If you are OK with that, we can begin the process of admitting you into a facility.
Put it all on the doctor who is legally obligated to report elder abuse (which could happen if you leave them alone)
If you stay you must safe guard yourself as its very easy for them to fausly accuse and people who aren't familiar with their mental states could easily believe them. Accusing you of taking items they've misplaced seems trivial, the inheritance issue could snowball into financial exploitation accusation that could cause you a lot of issues down the road. Setting up cameras inside could help(nanny cams)keeping keys and other small things in thier bedroom could help too. Good luck.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Nanny cam is a great idea! Plus all else you’ve mentioned so thank you.
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This sounds to me like a job that's far too big for one person to handle alone. You've given your all to their care but this isn't going to suddenly get better. It's more likely headed downhill fast. I would suggest you move out and after moving, call adult protective services to do a welfare check telling them all that you've told us and providing them with doctors information but not agreeing to take any responsibility for their care. Then let those trained to deal with this handle it. This may sound harsh but it's the quickest way I can see to get your loved ones the care they obviously need. You are only one person, this level of care is physically impossible for you.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Good idea, as long as neither of them has been declared incompetent they are still free to make bad choices and barbij can leave without fear of legal charges. On the other hand if they have been declared incompetent it is not a good idea to leave, the law will not be kind to her.
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Barbij81

Your initial description of the paranoia, accusations of taking/hiding their items, delusions, hallucinations, and denials are all clearly signs of dementia - what type we can't say - that is why specialists come in.

The stairs are also a huge warning sign, even without dementia! I am surprised that no one has intervened when emergency services have been required!

In a later response you say: "My father has been diagnosed and is on meds (they aren’t helping) but my mom isn’t even though her Dr is aware of her mental state, she has told mom that she thinks she needs to speak to a psychiatrist and all that did was make mom very angry so she is now looking for a new family physician. I need to speak to dads neurologist ASAP, just not sure who to speak with for my mother."

  If the medication isn't helping your dad, he should be (re)evaluated and have proper medication prescribed. Dementia can't be cured, or really made any "better", but often symptoms can be treated. Not ALL symptoms can be alleviated, and sometimes it takes trial and error to find the one(s) that work best - also, some medications are contraindicated depending on the underlying cause of the dementia. We haven't had to do this, but others have posted elsewhere that this will require a stay in the neuro-psych ward. For our mother, who wasn't nearly this bad, a very low dose of Lorazepam will take the "edge" off if/when she has sun-downing symptoms. It does have a fall risk associated with it, but for us the low dose/low risk outweighs the harm she can come to when she is out of control! She also doesn't get it all the time, just "as needed", as it doesn't require build up in the system to work.

  As for your mom, the doctor was an idiot to say this to mom. Our mother, in her own mind, considered herself independent, able to do whatever to care for herself (not true!) When the doctor said it wasn't safe for you to be living alone, she went ballistic! If the doctor had even hinted at needing a psychiatrist, she likely would have ripped the doctor's face off! For them, anything to do with psychiatry is indicating the person is "off their rocker", which our mom thinks, but that isn't true. Unfortunately you aren't likely to convince mom of that, so you'll have to get creative in order to get through this appointment (if she did fall and/or somehow ended up in the hospital, I would *insist* they do the evaluation and prescribing before they release mom!!!)

Hopefully you already have POAs set up - in that case, work with the doctor to set up an appointment for mom, but don't tell her what it is for (or make up an excuse that might not be disagreeable to her.) Perhaps that doctor could examine mom at the regular doctor's office, so she isn't aware of what the doctor is! Also see what can be done with dad's neurologist to get him settled.

Meanwhile, work towards either getting help to come in (dad's refusal will require some subterfuge on your part - perhaps introduce the people who come as your friends who are helping YOU) OR look into care facilities where they can be together. A doctor confirmation of incompetence will likely be needed to move forward with a POA. If you do not have POA, you will need to seek guardianship/stewardship via the courts (Elder Care attorney would be best to use and if mom/dad have assets, they should be used to cover all the costs.)

For negative behaviors, don't try to reason/argue with them, and certainly don't try to correct their "reality." Agree as much as you can, as weird as their thoughts might be, and try to redirect their focus onto something else. It doesn't always work, but if you can do this, it can calm things a bit for you! Little white lies, like agreeing you misplaced whatever item they accused you of taking and saying you will go locate it, should help. Never take any criticism as some failure on your part. It is the condition talking, not mom or dad (unless of course they were like this before dementia.)
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you soooo very much, you have given me so much great advice, I can’t thank you enough.
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My god, woman, can't you see what the answer is? Based on their conditions and how you are being affected, you must place them somewhere to be cared for so you can have peace and a normal life. You cannot go on like this - it will kill you. There is no other choice. You may need to sell the house and then find a new place to live but you must, now, make arrangements to put them somewhere so that they, and you, will be safe. You can't wait any longer - you have gone far above what many people would have put up with. Good luck.
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Barbij81: I am just checking on you as your situation is of PARAMOUNT, DIRE importance. You CANNOT let this issue continue as it is now because you will have a medical emergency - if YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. As it stands right now, this is an accident waiting to happen! And of note to mention is that as one ages, they make plans to eliminate steps in their residence. That is a big NO NO for elders!
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
I am taking steps (baby steps) to stay and also to get their Drs much more involved. I have apppts set up for this coming week & next. My two sons are coming up to see them soon and to be of some support to me, help me figure things out for the long haul. I’m going tomorrow to look at a new senior housing down the street, it looks really nice from what I can tell.
Thank you for caring and being so supportive so quickly, this is a great place to be.
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Barbij81: Okay. Praying for you.
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