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I have POA with another brother. We both live very close to Mom who has dementia. Another brother who lives 5 hours away is micromanaging my every move in Mom's care. I can't get things done fast enough for him and he's constantly sending threats that he'll do something if I don't. I'm hiring full time care for my Mom to care for her in her own home. He'd prefer she is in an assisted living facility. She loves her home and has expressed to me on several occasions that she wants to stay at home as long as possible. The industry for caring for elderly is severely short on good help. I want a long term person and am taking the time needed to get the right person to spend a lot of time with Mom. I already have a nurse living right next door to her for the overnight and weekend shift. I'm interviewing for a full time day person with the skills needed to help with Mom's care. The stress of dealing with a controlling siblings is far worst than that of caring for my Mom. My health is suffering as a result. What should I do to get him off my back? Thank you.

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Since you are POA, you are a team lead designated by mom (your customer) to manage her affairs (the project). As a manager, you set the agenda, decide who’s on the team, what decisions to make and so on. You decide if the micromanaging brother is on the team and what role he should play.

My impression is that your brother views you as the assistant, not the leader. But perhaps you’re giving off that vibe by letting him make demands. Managers don’t argue with subordinates and they don’t take orders from subordinates.

In your shoes, I’d take off my sister hat and put on my manager hat.

First I get the POA brother on board so micromanaging brother can’t play you against each other. Instead you double team him.

Then I’d email him to
- avoid him questioning you and debating decisions with phone calls
- acknowledge that his concern for mom is because he loves her and wants what’s best; so do you
- remind him mom chose you to have POA and placed her trust in you
- remind him it’s not his place to challenge or direct. You’re the team lead; he’s on team as a courtesy and by invitation only
- tell him he can email suggestions that you will take under consideration in your decision making process. (I love how email is on my schedule where a phone call is on the callers schedule.)
- if he’s unwilling to accept your role as manager and decision-maker, explain that’s unacceptable so no more calls; you’ll email status updates for his information. (You decide how much to share because emails create a paper trail that’s useful and/or damaging)
- be cordial and logical but emphatic about boundaries and ending/ignoring fruitless calls.

Maybe once he realizes you won’t put up with his behavior, he’ll back off. If not, stay the leader.
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Tell your brother that you are your mom's POA for a reason and Mom will be staying home as long as she can as that is mom's desires.

Tell him there is nothing he can do about it and to get off your case.
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You were chosen POA for a reason. Tell brother to back off. It is unbelievable when loved ones want to dictate but do not lift a finger to help out. You really have to ignore him so you can do your job well for your dear mother. My brother wanted both mom and I to move to elderly housing last year and I could not believe what I was hearing. You really have to deaf up your ears to these people. I too found it more stressful when my brother and family with 2 dogs lived with us for almost a year and after all said and done he does not communicate with us at all. Feels entitled to an inheritance even though it is my moms money for her to do as she pleases. Do not answer the phone if he calls but let it go to voicemail. Document on a daily basis in case he tries to cause trouble with his threats and all.I feel for you and hope things get better. My brother is 3000 miles overseas and he was still causing disharmony with us. We were always supportive of him all his life.Bummer but less stress. Be strong and keep your distance otherwise your health will suffer as mine did.
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To overstate the obvious, your mom is very blessed to have you in your corner. But absolutely cannot allow your own health to be destroyed, and yes it can be, by this blasted sibling(s). Contact an elder law attorney to get a clear understanding of your rights and authority in these circumstances. ANd you need to decide: do you want to continue or dump it on the all knowing ignorant sibling? That could potentially kick you out of the picture so that you couldn't see mom as easily and I suspect you are so caring you would not want that. YOU are POA so that should give you the powers it comes with. YOu also may need to take some drastic measures that will allow you to cut off communication and stress from this brother. WE used to have a wonderful local support group sponsored by the ALzheimer's Assn for adult children who were caregivers...the facilitator resigned and the volunteers who took over just didn't have the knack of the former person so the group rather fell apart...but it was a huge comfort and help and we heard a similar story...it's unreal. Sort of like the do nothing sibling projects their guilt by blasting the sibling(s) doing it all. ANd then some...I remember this person, one of several siblings....she was scheduled to go out west for an extended period of time, and she was encouraged to go do it. I believe she changed her cell phone number too:-) I speak from the heart, literally about not letting it destroy your health....high blood pressure is a contributing factor toward numerous health issues, and last year I learned the hard way what an aortic dissection is. Please do not let it get to that point with you. You matter too! Take good care....
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caregiving1955: Do not buy into the demands of your brother, who lives 5 hours away. OR he can do the caregiving since he has so many issues with your stellar performance. I do hope that your mother's financials will suffice for the home nurses as per her wishes; that is going to ratchet up monies VERY quickly unless she is quite wealthy. As I had to perform out of state caregiving, when it was my sole sibling's turn, he responded "I will not do it."
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Hello, Caregiver 1955. After almost 5 years of living with my 90+ y/o mom and being a full-time caregiver (I'd been forced to retire and was living alone, so I moved into her house). My younger sis kept choosing to take contract work because she 'enjoyed the comaraderie with co-workers and liked to stay busy'. After five years of full-time caretaking, I had to physically remove myself to another state to completely disengag. Close friends and a trusted therapist kept telling me to leave, but I felt I couldn't leave mom alone. I could not 'handle' them and their nastiness, but if I'd had even SOME emotional support from either, I definitely could have 'handled' my mom, even on my own. I gave them 30 days notice and never said an angry word to either sister (to preserve my 1/3 of my folks' estate for my own old age). One sis would go from one gig to another (she could work anywhere, anytime and did NOT need the money), I'd feel like a ship was sailing away from me on a deserted island. Older sister played the role as the One-that-can-do-no-Wrong (she was the first, so I get it), but she's completely self-involved and self centered, lived 200+ miles away, and never ever 'visited' mom unless she came into town for a special gala event and wanted to stay at my mom's, then she'd leave immediately (after dragging mom around town for 8 hours doing 'fun' stuff, because 'I never took her anywhere'). Mom usually slept for 2 hours every day after breakfast and lunch), and was in bed at 7:00. Mom would sleep for 24 hours after sis left from 'taking care of mom'... ). The only contact either of them initiated was to criticize me for calling them whenever mom had a medical emergency (countless times and mid-night/early morning (1-2 a.m.) ambulance rides; they both said I was too high strung and 'couldn't handle it'--so I had to let them 'handle it'. Well, they didn't expect that! Within a year, they'd hired a caretaker 4 hrs. a day, 5 days a week, and installed a young adult niece to live there (she was working full time at a great job and saving for a house). Within a year, the niece announced she was moving into an apt. with her bf. Neither sister ever let me know. Seems that suddenly, they decided it wasn't practical to have someone there for 24 hours a day. Even though I was chastised for leaving for 1+ each morning before mom even got out of bed ... ANYWAY, I've been gone now for 2 years, and have healed and recovered emotionally, at 66 y/o. LONG story, but that was my experience.
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Don't answer his calls
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Chose when you want to answer him. Let the call go to Voicemail. Leave the text or email for when you want to read it. He is not involved, therefore, he is not involved. You and your other brother have POA for a reason. Brother #2 can stomp his feet all he wants, he isn't there and has no input. It's one of the hardest things to manage in caregiving but save your energy for what you need it for, not him.
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Tell him to come and stay with your mom full time for a couple months because you need a break.....then time will tell how he will handle things. its always rosy when the other person doesn't have to deal with things, but let them get into the thorns then they change their story. Or ask him to come visit and when he gets there, let him know you are going on vacation per doctors orders due to over stress, etc., then walk out. He will soon find out how hard it is in caretaking. wishing you luck.
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To make it simple...if you can deal with it emotionally...disengage and keep your boundaries...I learned from experience..Good luck.
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Davenport Jul 2021
Thank you for your perfect--and perfectly succinct input, skyresq1. I just sent a laborious response of the details of my situation, but you nailed it : )
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"Another brother who lives 5 hours away is micromanaging my every move in Mom's care. I can't get things done fast enough for him and he's constantly sending threats that he'll do something if I don't."

As POAs, your job (you and brother #1) is to manage mom's finances and medical care as she would have wanted. What brother #2 wants is irrelevant. If you are honoring mom's wishes, then brother #2 can threaten all he wants, you don't have to listen or respond.

Also, as others have noted, mom's finances and medical care are HER business and don't need to be shared with anyone else, esp those who have no POA. While it's always nicer if families work together and can share information, when cases like this arise, then it's time to cut him off from any notifications, at least none of the details. Simple responses can be mom is doing well, mom is happy, mom is well cared for. NO information about her finances or how her care is being managed. It is really NONE of his business.

While it is generally more expensive to hire in-home care 24/7, if mom has the assets to pay for this, this is what she wants and all is going according to plans, then by all means continue. In-home care alone usually exceeds what a facility costs, but one also has to calculate in the cost of maintaining the home - rent/mtg, taxes, utils, maintenance, etc. However, if mom wants this, can afford it, is safe and well cared for, then brother #2 needs to be left out of the equation.

About all he could do is apply for guardianship. This is expensive and time consuming. If he can't prove mom isn't being cared for, then he might win, but if she is safe, happy and cared for, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Ignore him. Refuse to take his calls. Refuse to respond to texts or emails. Block him if necessary. What does brother #1 have to say on this? Is he aware of the harassment? Is he also harassed? If he's on board with status quo, then enlist his help in shutting up other brother.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
"If he can't prove mom isn't being cared for"

That should read "...If he can prove mom isn't being cared for..."
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Consult the elder care lawyer to understand exactly what your POA allows you do to. Then, spell out your responsibilities and plans as holder of the POA to your siblings. Let them know you that you appreciate any information that they pass along to you. Firmly state that you are the one who will be managing mom's car per her wishes and POA.

Ignore threats unless they make you or mom feel frightened. If you or mom do feel afraid, then file a restraining order with the police
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Please consult with an elder law attorney on what your POA covers - it should spell things out - as well as what your state’s statutes are. I had to do something similar with the sib who did nothing to help and dictated terms and conditions, or tried to. Once the elder law attorney reviewed both the POA paperwork and my state’s statutes with me so I had a clear understanding of what I could and couldn’t do, and what my sib could demand (not much, as it turns out), the attorney wrote sib a letter stating all communication goes thru the attorney now. Your POA and state statutes may differ from mine, but I will say my life is so much more peaceful now.
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I have a brother just like this. Awfully concerned about mom's money, less about mom.

I blocked him from communicating with me. I have enough to worry about without adding selfish greedy siblings to the mix. Suggest you do the same.
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Momzcaretaker Jul 2021
I did the same thing except when he got Lung cancer. I made amends with him & am glad I did as he passed. BUT what happened next was that my mother took his name off of everything and added his wife - my SIL! UGH... what a mess. But after 2 years, I have my mother living with me and all has been transferred. And I didn't tell my SIL about it. Have blocked her calls & refuse any mail she sends. She did not take care of her at all. I set up Meals on Wheels for her & paid a restaurant for delivery on wkends. She was starving to death & all my SIL was interested in was putting her in a home & selling her home as she would get 1/2 of proceeds. I am at peace with it & my mother is relaxed & enjoying her life. Good luck!
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So many good comments here. I agree - you do control when you answer the communications. Don’t pick up. Don’t open the email/or at least respond. Sit on it a while, even a couple of days. Be respectful of the family unit if at all possible but don’t be a punching bag. You also do not have to engage in the conversation. Thank him for his input/thoughts - then HARD STOP. Repeat. Don’t engage. Don’t feed it. He can’t have a one way conversation. You have to decide whether you want to build some personal boundaries with that brother or use the advice and let the other brother, if he has the canones, take on that fight. Sometimes men with men is just easier/better. That doesn’t offend me. Viva la difference in approaches. Good luck honey!
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Home care at a $20.00/hour rate is $3,360 for one week of 24/7 care. Bing, bing, already more than 12K a month. That is a conservative rate for a contractor, which is beside the point, IRS article after article states caregivers cannot be contractors, they are employees.

An agency is likely to charge 25-30 an hour ($4,200 a week). An independent contractor that should be paid overtime for more than 40 hours and the cost skyrockets. Caregivers, especially those that are independent are often taken advantage of. Deals are made that if the department of labor were to look into them would leave an employer in violation of labor laws.
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Many of us have been in your shoes. We have all handled it in the best way for us. Some of us ignored our siblings, easier said than done, but entirely possible. Some of us said, “Have at it! You take over now!”

There were times that I wished that I had been an only child. Fortunately, some squabbling works itself out. It did for our family.

I am in full agreement with Glad, your interfering brother may not be ragging on you at all, He may not be attacking or criticizing you personally. I completely understand that it is annoying and frustrating!

He is in support of ‘facility’ care instead of ‘home care.’ Here’s the thing, though. He ISN’T in charge! You are! Your mom gave YOU and your other brother authorization to handle the matter. So, he can run his mouth and blurt out his idle threats all he wants to, and you can hang up the phone or block his calls.

Some of us have had or have situations where mom is playing siblings against each other. Thankfully, that isn’t the case here, Your mom has made her wishes known to you and your other brother.

I am curious. Has he made these same threats to his brother? Or is it just you? Has he tried to manipulate your mom in any way? I sincerely hope that he isn’t harassing your mother.

Are you satisfied with the caregivers that are helping you? If so, what’s the problem? These decisions are yours and your other brother’s decisions to make and he really shouldn’t interfere with them.

He is entitled to his opinion, but it doesn’t mean anything, because you hold all of the cards. So, he can babble to himself. What kind of threats is he making?

I am very sorry that he is getting on your last nerve. Some siblings specialize in that! If his complaints aren’t legitimate, then I seriously wouldn’t give them another thought. I absolutely adore the ‘block’ feature on my phone. It’s fantastic for eliminating nuisance calls.

Have you tried to reassure him that when and if your mom needs facility care, you will handle it? You know your brother and what he is capable of far better than any of us, but we are happy to help if we can. You are welcome to vent all you like. I can assure you that most people here have done lots of venting.

Wishing you the very best and I hope that this situation will work out in your favor, and that your mom will be at peace with what she and you and your other brother have decided on that is in her best interests.

Sending hugs and prayers your way. Take care.
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It seems that 5 hour away brother disagrees with your mother's choices. It seems to be a bit of a habit, because no doubt that is why she appointed you and local brother to act for her, and excluded him.

He isn't controlling you, he's just arguing and giving you earache. To relieve the earache, take control of how you communicate with him. Is he calling you, or emailing you, or what?

I very much like Margaret's idea of delegating communication with remote brother to local brother, would that work for you?
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Micro Manager Brother.. well it's not easy being a backseat driver I suppose.. He has no POA, cannot drive this situation. Seems his choices are to sit back & enjoy the view out the window or get out of the car. Before you throw him out.

Seriously, what are his reasons to prefer AL? Is it because he is worried? Then that is his problem to deal with really.
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Your ‘other brother’ lives close, shares the care, and shares the POA. It sounds like you are doing most of the legwork to arrange things. Ask your ‘other brother’ to take over dealing with the Micro-Manager brother. It’s a very good way that he can help. He may also find it easier to stand up to the Micro-Manager, just to ignore him, and/or to tell him to get off your back. Tell MM that ‘other brother’ has taken over keeping him informed, so you should call him not me! Then hang up!
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You have the POA, you have the control. He is just upset that he has no control. And maybe that is why you have it, Mom saw that he would be controlling.

You need to stand up to him. Tell him you appreciate any positive input he has but YOU are Moms representative. She assigned YOU as POA. As such, you are doing what she wants or made you aware of what she wanted before the Dementia. So, he needs to get off your back. Sorry, but he has no control here. Only you and other brother.

You do realize that you don't have to keep him informed about every move you make and penny you spend. Especially the financial part. If Mom would not divulge her finances to him then as POA you don't divulge them either. Same with her medical. You don't have to divulge anything especially if Mom was private about this too.

Threats, let him threaten. As long as you have kept good records. All her money is going to her care. Then he has nothing to back up the threats. He could go for guardianship but thats expensive. If you have been doing a good job as POA, then I don't see where a Judge would rule in his favor. APS would investigate and find everything is in order.

Don't tell him anything. When he starts to be controlling or threatening, hang up. Tell him you are not obligated to tell him anything concerning Mom. And if he doesn't stop micromanaging you, you will not keep him in the loop.
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againx100 Jul 2021
EXACTLY!

Try to be nice and give him info. BUT when he comes on too strong and threatens, set him straight. Tell him you're doing your best and do not appreciate being challenged all the time. I would hang up. I would not answer his calls. Unless he can be civil and reasonable.

Who needs this nonsense??!!
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He's a sibling - tell him to butt out or to turn up at times you are interviewing for the person you want and to do something useful rather than trying to micromanage you. You are your brother's equal - just tell him to quit being a pain.
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First of all you and your brother who lives near by have mom's POA. So you two are the ones with the legal authority to make her decisions. Your other brother five hours away who doesn't have this can threaten to "do something" all day long. He's blowing it out of his a$$ and he knows it because there's nothing he can do. The next time he sends a threat about "doing something" and getting on you about not handling things right, tell him to go pound sand. You and your other brother have enough things to take care of already with your mom. Neither of you needs any of that nonsense.
If it is your mom's wish to remain in her home and you're making it possible for her to, then no one should have a problem with it.
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But are you really “being micromanaged”, or are you just sick and tired of listening to his complaints? How is he “controlling” if YOU have

Solution? STOP LISTENING! Difficult? YES, but NOT impossible. Myself? Still “a work in progress”. Mine made me physically ill. YOU have POA.

He can say (or do) ANYTHING HE WANTS.

One thought- none of us have any real, provable way to know whether our LOs will do better “at home” or in residential care. If mom does in fact have dementia, she might WELL be better served in a facility in which she can receive round the clock supported care with any equipment or supplies available at a moment’s notice.

No matter how many times she had told you she wanted to “stay at home as long as possible”, SHE no longer has the capacity to make good decisions for herself. So- VERY IMPORTANT- there MAY be things that Bossy Pants says that are actually BETTER in the long run for your mom, than what you and POA brother have been thinking about.

If you’re keeping your mom safe and comfortable and you and POA brother also have plenty of time for yourselves, keep on keepin’ on. If something changes, consider other options. Don’t brood about the meaningless gripes.
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Is the issue home care vs facility care?

Could it be that bro is concerned about the cost of home care? In my area, the care you are describing would cost in the area of 12K a month. How long will mom's assets last at that rate?

Are you hiring independent contractors? IRS does not consider home care workers contractors. They are employees so you pay overtime, medicare, social security, workman's comp, deduct taxes, etc. Overtime for more than 40 hours. Setting up home care is quite an exercise to do correctly to protect mom and any future Medicaid benefits should she need them.

You need to consult with an elder law attorney to prepare caregiver agreements and to make sure this is done correctly and legally. If you were to end up with a disgruntled employee you sure want to protect mom from lawsuit.

To avoid all this and mom's assets facility living will cost much less.

Get him off your back? Do your due diligence find out what is required to do this legally. Then sit down and calculate the cost per year, how long will mom's assets last? Then sit down and chat with bro to discuss various options.

Who has POA? Is mom incompetent as determined by her docs? if not, your power is actually quite limited.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
gladimhere,

Either way mom's care has to get paid for. If she stays in her house which she wants homecare will have to be paid for.
If she goes into an AL facility it has to be paid for. There's really no way around it. If the elderly person life exceeds their assets, then Medicaid will have to pay.
So, if the family is making it possible to honor the mother's wishes of staying in her home, no one should have a problem with it.
As for homecare employees and the IRS, we are self-employed. We pay income taxes, social security, Medicare. I've had many different jobs who had a no over-time pay policy. If you had to stay more than the hours you were hired for, you had to take those hours off without pay to prevent the need for over-time pay. The risk of an employee becoming disgruntled in this line of work is pretty low if their employers pay and treat them right. I would know.
I've lived in California and now in Connecticut. These are the two most expensive states in the country. I have never in nearly 25 years of doing in-home care ever known a caregiver who earned 12 grand a month. Even a live-in.
If the brother is worrying about mom's money he should stop and remember that it's her money and not his.
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I think the real issue is control, you and your other brother have a POA which he is not part of. As for his threats of doing something, just what would he do? Tell him firmly that you are doing all that is possible in this situation and will continue to handle things. I would limit contact with him. You are doing what needs to be done in a very difficult and emotional situation. As far as I can see from your description you are doing a very good job!
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