Follow
Share

I have been reading on this forum for a couple of months. I just don't think I have it in me to care for her. Our relationship is very strained and I feel very distant from her emotionally. She can be very difficult to be around. She can make everyone hate life around her if someone upsets her. I now know it will only get worse as time goes on. I know there are people who will think I'm a awful daughter and that's okay. She never wanted to take care of me when I was young and sick as a child. (nothing serious, just kids being sick) She would leave me alone, or tell me to get away from her...she did not want to catch it. She is larger than me. And she expects too much. She expects everyone to change their life to fit her life. (move to her and quit my job, she's in her mid 70's and pretty healthy) I know this would just be the start. She wants me to be her personal assistant or her be the big dog and I would be the little dog. She does not like my husband and this would become an issue. I'm afraid after a while I would not be nice to her. I don't want that to happen, I love her. But I need to make sure she is safe and being taken care of each day. I'm thankful for this forum and going to counseling to help me see what I need to do for BOTH of our mental health. Thank you!


Who else feels this way?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I would never consider caring for my parents. They set the tone of our relationship and I am a grown woman that has a happy, loving home. I refuse to bring toxic people to live in my house and ruin my life.

I don't care what others think, they haven't walk in my shoes. If it bugs them they are welcome to take care of them, I won't.

I will make sure, to the best of my ability that they know the resources available to them and what choices they have based on their circumstances. It is more than they ever did for me.

I think it is great that there are people that can and want to care for their parents, they obviously had different dynamics then you or I did.

Don't worry what others think, you have to protect yourself from people that would devour you, even when their names are mom and dad.

Hugs and cheers for discovering this before.
Helpful Answer (20)
Report
bettina Dec 2018
Well put. I think it's interesting that although my parents expected me to
be their slave, they both abandoned their own parents. One to their care of a
sibling who was exhausted, and the other in a NH, rarely called and visited
once or twice a year. They, however, made it clear they expected daily help
and constant attention. The weirdest thing is that I never thought about how they treated their own parents until I came here on this forum. Never
occurred to me how insanely hypocritical and exploitative this double standard was.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Thank you, isthisrealyreal.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Ronica Dec 2018
Until a week before my mom passed, she expected me to change my mind about taking care of her. My mom was very ill, on dialysis three times a week and in a wheelchair. She had a hired aide 6 days a week but only daytime hours. The rest of the time she managed alone. I have a full time job, family and a life. I have a brother but she never expected anything from him as he is a man. I made it very clear that I was not going to change my life and take care of her full time and have her live with me and my husband. I did what I could. I have no regrets, I knew that it would never work for me. Stay strong, know what your limits are. Don’t let anyone bully you into a situation that you would find untenable. Peace to all.
(0)
Report
You say your mother is in her mid seventies and pretty healthy.

So, why is this an issue for you at all?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
mathisawesome Dec 2018
Because she has been reminding me of my obligation to her care since I was in my mid 20's. I'm tired! She has brought it up every month for 20 some years. Tired of hearing about it, I have never made any promises to her about her care. I have told her on many occasions I would not move to her are and quit everything to care for her. She thinks she can push and get her way about everything. People usually give in just so she will stop. I think she has finally come to peace with my choice.
(3)
Report
Don’t ever feel guilty or that you need to have a reason for not being able to tolerate caregiving. I could never have had my mother live with me either for much the same reasons.

Now, you know this going in. You are aware of your own limitations and needs. You know you don’t want to do it. If she is already requiring care or will be in the near future, make a plan. Involve family members. Get POA. Get her finances in order and research how to file for Medicaid if necessary. If she’s living in her own home, ask an attorney how to handle that process.

We support you and understand your not wanting to do this. So, we shouldn’t get a post in six months from you saying you caved in, Mom is living with you and you’re at your wits end and burned out. Do what you feel is right.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

That's a coincidence: for fourteen years my son has been reminding me that he plans to place me in an old people's home - the sooner the better, to listen to him.

You don't think your mother has repeated this at monthly intervals over a twenty year period more for the fun of getting a rise out of you than in the expectation you will agree to be her caregiver?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
mathisawesome Dec 2018
She thinks she can push/guilt me into it. She is huge on guilt trips. She has told me she will be raped in AL or NH. She wants everything her way.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I like the "getting a rise". Stick by your guns. The next time she brings it up, tell her this is the last time you will say this "I am not caring for you. I am not going to fetch and carry for you. There are County resources that you can use when needed" (u can research. Our O of A has a booklet of services) "you are not moving near her or in with her, not happening. If she brings the subject up again, you won't be calling or coming around."

Worry about her future care when it happens. If u do get her to assign you POAs, all they mean is she is giving you the ability to make decisions on her behalf when she can no longer make informed decisions. It does not mean you are her servant. Just makes things a lot easier when the time comes where she isn't paying bills or needs LTC.

All you owe Mom is like you said, to keep her fed, safe and clean. You don't have to be hands on to do that. Just tell her you will make sure she is in a nice AL or NH.😊
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

mathisawesome, read his article, it really helped me understand why I was not cut out to be a hands-on caregiver. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

But I was pretty good at being a logistical caregiver finding answers to my parents aging issues.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
mathisawesome Dec 2018
Thank you so much for the article.
(1)
Report
Neither my mother nor my MIL took care of aging parents - there was another DIL or sister who stepped up and was the caregiver - even though the elders where in assisted living or nursing home - they did all of the running to doctors, fetching this or that, beauty parlor etc.

Both my mom and MIL have indicated that expected to live with us - to which we consistently say as politely as possible - "no, we are not set up for that, but we will help you move to assisted living and visit you there". We don't want to fight about it now - but we don't want them either to think that silence is acquiescence.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

I think it's smart that you're thinking about it now, instead of waiting until a crisis
and stepping in without knowing how years of your life will be consumed with
one crisis after another. And just when you're catching your breath, the manufactured crisis begin. Which are worse. Give me health difficulties over
toxic drama any day.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
mathisawesome Dec 2018
Thank you, I am trying to get ahead of this situation. I have been very honest with her.
(4)
Report
Mom did take care of her mom for a few months. But her mom moved next door and did not expect mom to change fer entire life. Mom expects me to move 800 miles to somewhere I have never lived or even like and retire early to be at her every call. I have offered to let her move in with us once she gets sick and that's not good enough. She expects for us to change everything to fit her life. If I moved to her state I would be stuck there until I retire. I don't think its fair. But she does not think its fair to move during the last few months she alive. Who is right? I feel I did the correct thing and offer.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Leonine1 Dec 2018
You are absolutely right. Except, to be honest, it would be best if you didn't let her move in. I strongly advise people to not be a family caregiver. You just can't imagine how bad it is. On every level. Don't be a family caregiver. It's not fair to you, or your spouse, or any else in your life who loves you and wants to spend time with you. It will rob them of you. n
(12)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your mom is my dad. We didn’t ever have a similar conversation, but he suddenly got ill and has spiraled out of control with forcing me, my sister, and my mom to basically be his slaves. There is no medical reason he cannot use the toilet, he simply doesn’t want to, because a diaper is more “comfortable.” He won’t eat the food my mom cooks because he doesn’t like it. Yet he refuses to get out of bed and make his own food bc he claims the pain from his cancer is preventing him (yet when we go to the hospital, he ranks his pain as a 5. A FIVE, and he NEEDS to be walking around to keep muscle mass up and stop undoing what he got out of rehab!!!) you need to lay down the law NOW before your situation turns into mine and things happen so fast you find yourself being sucked in since likely someone has to help, and there is no one else beyond you set up to be that person. You get sucked in and sucked down into their horrible level.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
anonymous828521 Dec 2018
So true, hope things get better for you soon.
(3)
Report
Math IS awesome, isn't it ?!!? And so is science! I love math and science. I haven't encountered many other women who love math and science. Anyway, about being your mother's caregiver .... DON'T DO IT!!! It is such hard work - mentally, physically and emotionally. It takes an incredible toll on your life. It will most likely ruin everything in your own life ... your health, your career, all of your relationships across the board. You would literally be totally sacrificing your own life. Forever. You don't bounce back from something like that. And trust me, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. You will not be appreciated. By anyone. Your mother will probably forget everything you do for her. And you'll be the person your mom lashes out at and blames for her unhappiness any time she feels down. You'll be blamed for things and accused of things that you had nothing to do with. Don't ruin your life. Don't do it. You are smart not to do it. It's not selfish ... It's appreciating the gift of your life. Being a family caregiver is essentially committing a slow form of suicide. It's not valuing your own life. You could find yourself in need of a caregiver by the time your loved one passes. I cared for my dad for 5-1/2 years. I love him dearly, but it was, without doubt, the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. Hands down. At his house 1-3 times a day ... doing whatever needed to be done. Picking him up from the hospital 30 -40 times. Carrying him up his front stairs on my back. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking him to appointments, yardwork, etc. etc. Cleaning up disgusting messes everywhere in the house. Watching him having medical crises, and reading I was losing him. Missing work for his appointments or for other problems in his life. I couldn't take time off work for appointments for myself. I haven't seen a doctor for myself for over 6 years. And I need to And now, my dad doesn't remember any of what I've done caring for him. Oh, and it gets worse. But I'll spare you the rest of the details. I will never do it again for anybody. Nor will I expect or allow my son to be a caregiver for me. I love him too much. Everything I described above actually happened, and it is just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more - and so much worse. Nothing good can come of it.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
anonymous828521 Dec 2018
Great answer, bravo Leonine1.☺
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Lots of people feel the way you do, & you know what's best for your own situation. It's not wrong to choose alternate caregivers for your mother. Putting your husband first is wise also, cuz your own marriage cud be destroyed if you allowed destructive interactions with your mother to prevail. Good for you.✌🌸
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I can deeply understand your feelings.

First, let me say how proud I am of you for recognizing your own emotions surrounding this subject. And I do not feel you are a terrible person, nor a terrible daughter.

For anyone to judge you would prove their inability to support, direct, guide or comfort you.

I am not a professional mental health provider. But I am a veteran caregiver and disabled myself. With 17 years of medical background, and years of supporting others, I assure you taking time to heal broken bonds is far more important.

Anyone can empty a bed pan, but not anyone can be her daughter. Furthermore, you must take care of your needs to be any help to others.

My family tried to care for my grandmother, who was a bitter and angry woman. Much like what you describe. What it resulted in was a lot of abuse by her hands. In the end she was placed at a rest home equipped to help her.

The family damage was life altering. I have carried those wounds as others did. What I learned helps me to this day.

Not everyone is in the right place to be a caregiver. It's not a failing. You researching other options for her is just as loving. Some have nobody to even provide that support.

Maybe no one will say it to you. But with what you shared, it would likely be a terrible experience for both of you and perhaps put your marriage at risk as well.

Care giving is hard, thankless, time consuming, depriving at times and once locked in others are slow to come to your aid.

So no one should ever start that engine without the proper fuel. And that fuel works best in an environment of trust, unity and within healthy personal boundaries.

I offer the comfort that looking to professional guidance for your Mom is likely best. Spend time looking for resources for her and step back to be the daughter.

On a side note, and totally unsolicited. Maybe finding someone to hear out your pains would be life enhancing.

Dealing with that can allow you the strength to keep saying no when needed and yes when able. It is a gift to give oneself.

I am glad you came here and were open and honest. I hope others support you.

If I can support you further visit me at AngelsofOurOctober.com Where free support is offered for those looking at complex issues in the home.

And of course this site is brimming full of many resources I faithfully make use of myself and trust-sincerely PJ
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Amazing answers here from everyone. My mom was a good mother, a bit controlling at times, but overall, we knew she meant well and loved us unconditionally. And even with all that love and support that she gave to us, when I became her care person, it was extremely hard on me. My life changed. Many of my friends disappeared, I cut back hours with my own work, which lowered my income considerably, and I gave up my own house to live with her. I'm glad I did all that, as my mom is usually fairly appreciative. With dementia she did become suspicious and mean to me at times and that really hurt, but I knew her real self underneath did care and she would always come around and say she was sorry. Your mom, though, began her relationship with you on a bad note. There is a possibility she will change when she becomes frail, but she could also become even more self centered. I suggest you NOT move your life to her. Make other arrangements, which alone will take much time and energy, but keep an emotional and physical distance. Talk on the phone, send letters and presents, whatever else you can think of to stay in touch. I suggest also that you let her know now that what she expects cannot happen. You don't have to say why. It just won't.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I totally understand. After awhile, the whole situation works your last nerves. That's when I know it's time for me to go back home. But my mom is able to care for herself, dress and bathe herself and cook for herself. it's strenuous on her, but she can do it. If your going to undertake this you must have adequate ancillary help and assistance in order to give yourself breaks, otherwise you'll go crazy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Mathisawesome, I just spent 45 minutes typing a reply and hit some key that made it all disappear! Let me start by saying my mother always expected me to abandon my life to come live with her and care for her until the day she died (she is now 91). I always replied NO in clear refusal, I will not leave my husband and abandon my house and my life, and it's unreasonable for you to expect me to do this. She is now in her second AL. I do have all legal authorities; POAs, co-trustee, fiduciary duties, etc. I am her only child and live 1000 miles away. This year had the most stressful successive demanding crises so far, and I have learned a few things on my own, and from other posters on this forum (I thank God I found this forum a few months ago). Be firm! Be in control of the conversation as much as possible; mom has dementia so sometimes I can steer the conversation or distract her away from her demented stories (of people stealing from her). In addition, I now selectively tell her what I am doing because this year she manufactured a health crisis whenever I made plans for anything, so I don't tell her my plans. I say an emphatic "NO" to unreasonable requests, which she replies, "You have no right to tell me NO." And I reply, "No I don't but I'm saying it anyway," and she goes on to something else. We and our parents have no idea what the future holds for any of us. Please be encouraged to live your life as best you can without fear of your mother's threatened control over you, like I did for so many years. I have to say my mom did do all the legally necessary things to give me 100% authority for her - in that sense she did make me her caregiver, but without living with her. You are not financially responsible for your mother's care, she is. Research now what is required wherever you live for financial assistance for when her money runs out, legal assistance or documents such as POA for health care and financial decisions, bank accounts, etc. if you are willing to do this, or find professionals who will do these things for you/her. (One note about a safe deposit box at a bank, that when the person dies, the bank locks it up and you cannot get whatever is in there until probate is over - even if the will is in there - so make sure your name is on the account or close it.) Don't feel less of a daughter/person because your mom tries to make you feel that way. My mom is controling, manipulative, narcisstic (which I recently realized with help from this forum), rude and intrusive. She has no boundaries and probes for everyone else's boundaries, and because of that, I had to make sure my boundaries are solid and firm. And you can do the same.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I made the decision to care for my mother as I thought I was the best of us 4 siblings to do it. I had the space in my house and the excuse that she needed to move in with us to help us as I was a single parent and had a child with a disability.

It's been challenging but she has helped me with housekeeping when she was healthier. Now that her health is waning and I no longer have children home, it is getting hard. Resentment sets in when you see your siblings enjoying their empty nest years and visiting 1-2 times a year. I plan to keep caring for my mom until she needs nursing and then we will consider facilities.

What everyone says in previous comments is spot on. It's hard and it does affect your overall attitude and quality of life. But it seems to be the right thing to do. I have many moments when I feel trapped and my future looks so full of stress.

If you do go down this path, I recommend you join a caregiver support group that meets regularly and go and let your frustrations out. Spiritual support for you is paramount, too. If you put her in a far room in the house or build a small addition, ever better. When you are disconnected from your mother, there is no emotional love/feedback to keep you going. At least when caring for a disabled child, your natural motherly instincts and love drive you but not so with a negative mother (mine is).

It is also paramount that you keep your needs as high a priority as your own. Exercise and socialize and hire someone to be with your mother while you are out even if she threatens misery. My mother tells the help to leave, though, and if you find help that is clever and talk their way into staying, pay them well!

Anyway, that's my two cents worth. I hope it helps.

MIndy
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
peggy40 Dec 2018
Thank you Mindy 100%
(0)
Report
Regarding the "care and feeding" of elderly parents, my mother has said that's what daughters are for. The sibling & I both own homes that couldn't possibly be modified to accommodate Mom's eventual needs--for which we're thankful. I don't think we're being selfish. It's just that Mom, on any day, any time in her life, is anything but pleasant to live with. From things I've read on this forum, I can imagine what a live-in caretaking situation would devolve into.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Can I just ask: what triggered your decision to seek counselling about this situation with your mother? Was there a particular event, did you reach some sort of crisis level about it?

The thing is. There is no situation. Your mother is in her mid 70s and pretty healthy. She has been needling you about this topic since she was in her mid 50s; you have stood your ground; she's still needling you; and there is still no prospect of your actually becoming her caregiver. She's been pushing the same button for *twenty years* and it's still working?

So before there is even any direct threat, you're already devoting this much energy and worry to justifying your right to prevent a situation that cannot possibly develop without your active agreement.

If your mother did need care, and you and your husband decided that your home was in no way the right setting, nobody can even require that you show your reasoning. You say no. You can even, if need be, get your husband to be the bad cop - it might make a refreshing change for him to deserve your mother's disapproval.

I just don't think your anxiety is really about becoming your mother's caregiver or about justifying why you shouldn't. It's too nebulous a proposition to keep you awake at night in this way, for this long.

So what is going on? What are you really afraid of?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
cwillie Dec 2018
I checked in to this thread to ask the same questions - most of us aren't so proactive when it comes to caregiving, it either sneaks up on us gradually or we are thrown in when there is a crisis. All this pre-worry for an eventuality years (decades) in the future seems kind of strange to me. (But bravo for thinking ahead!)
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I feel this way. That's exactly why I joined this forum. Mom refused advanced directives and end of life care before her near fatal stroke 6 months ago.
I had to become her legal guardian because the stroke left her paralyzed and unable to speak.
Being thrust into her life when she's in this condition has taken its toll on me because its all very confusing. Everything from family members, medical, financial, domestic, etc. all her issues have had to be dealt with on a daily basis.
Care giving is very challenging.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I don't think that any of us think you are a terrible daughter for feeling the way that you do about being moms caregiver.
I believe not all people have it in them to go thru a stressful
situation as caregiving.
I would say to you
if you feel very strongly that you will not be able to handle the situation for an unknown amount of time, than do everything you need to make sure that when your loved one comes to the time
where she requires additional help in life all of the arrangements are made to secure that your loved one is taken care of by someone, some place, whatever, as long as she is taken care of.
in your cause it might be better to visit mom often and leave the care giving to someone else you trust.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

To mathisawesome —- My mom admitted that she was not cut out to take care of her Mom so she left it to one of her sisters. My mom was financially able so she foot the bill for her care and kept her at her my Aunts home and my aunt did not work. My mom has also told me that she does not want to be a burden to me. So, being the only remaining child, and no other family members to step up, my Mom is in Memory Care Facility, was at home until husband could no longer care for her. Fortunately Mom has left enough money and made me POA to take care of her needs for a awhile. I am not cut out to be caregiver to my Mom as we did not have a mother-daughter relationship - ever. I completely understand how you feel. Even though I appear cold-hearted- no one else has walked in my shoes and therefore cannot judge me. I am doing what is best for my Mom. Some of my family would put her in a terrible place and take the money if they could. She is in a great facility and getting the best care she could possibly have. Hang in there, you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I feel similarly about my dad. He moved in with me 9 months ago and goes crazier every passing day. He’s pretty healthy physically for an 85 year old but mentally he’s just gone. He gets paranoid fits and runs out of the house and I can’t chase him bc I’m alone with twins. Medicaid wants so much paperwork I can’t locate and I can’t afford to put him in a facility. I feel our relationship is very strained bc every day he comes up with these crazy (and I mean CRAZY) scenarios of what’s going on with him and I just want him out of my house. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I wish he’d just die already (omg that makes me such a shitty daughter but it’s just honestly how I feel at the height of stress) and I don’t want to feel that way bc I owe my dad everything. He was always a great dad. I feel like there’s many people out there to judge but I’m only one person with no supports but many dependents.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

While not everyone may be "cut out for caregiving," there comes a time when it's necessary.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

However, there is no "written in stone" rule that you must provide care to your mom. My prior post seemed rather wrong once I relooked at it and I'm sorry.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

HI Mathisawesome , You hang in there girl , you hit the the nail on the head sounds like my situation and another 50 million other ladies around the world ! Boundaries ,boundaries, boundaries , make sure you take good care of yourself mentally and physically because she will SUCK you dry ,I know being an only daughter with 4 brothers a lot fell on me to do my daughtly duties whatever that means .....my brothers only had to show up but I had to do backflips for her ,please be kind to yourself and I wish you the best .
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I don't see a problem,,,get someone to take care of her. You have to take care of yourself, first....assisted living, many options, start looking around.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If you already know you can't do it, then I don't blame you at all. It consumes your life......And it's like your life just stands still. The most stressful, roller coaster of emotions I have ever lived through. Taking care of someone can be done in so many complex ways these days, that doesn't involve living with them, and tending to daily care and\or needs. Once your completely engulfed in the situation, it becomes much more difficult to make other arrangements. I'm glad you came here first. Wish I had known of this forum ten years ago. Meanwhile, my life is on hold in a lot of ways and just not my own, for sure. It has taught me a lot however, especially that I will never be a caregiver for anyone, after this, ever again. Not worth the negative toll it has taken on my own health and life. I'm 38, so I hope to have my own life, privacy, home, etc. A little later on. I love my mother of course, it's the situation I'm not pleased with, and how it has changed my core being. I will find me again!! -Determined
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
peggy40 Dec 2018
I hear you. I was forced to stay away from daily NH visits to check on mom. My blood pressure was out of control. Its better now since I've changed to around 2 to 3 times a week.
(0)
Report
Dear MathIA,

I wholeheartedly agree with Leonine1 and many others below! You have only one life to live, so set your boundaries, get psychological support for yourself and physical help for your mom outside your home. And do your best without making yourself guilty and anxious! Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter