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I'm 57 and had been caring for my mom (paid) for the last 12 years. I lived with her. I had been caring for her unpaid as well as holding a full-time job for many years prior. I have a 38 yr old daughter and a son that died in my arms after a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. He was 27 and a true momma's boy. I am still in denial over that and pretend he has moved away and may be coming back any time now. My mom just passed away a little over a month ago. I now couch surf as I no longer have a home, a job, my mother, or my best friend. There are 4 other siblings in the area who never had any real time to help with her care or even visit her for more than a half hour here and there. I have 2 granddaughters, one who I have had no time with because all of my time was spent caring for my mom. I could barely leave to go grocery shopping without her needing me back with her before I would even finish shopping. My other granddaughter I practically care for full-time as well. I don't get to see her enough now as I don't have a place to call home where she can come stay with me for days at a time. I have no idea what I want to do for a job at my age. I do know I do not want to be responsible for caring for another human being ever again. I still can't seem to catch my breath from caring for my mom. I was sleep deprived and exhausted in every way possible and constantly felt and still feel under extreme pressure. I gave up my social life completely. My relationship with my siblings is strained at best. I have some resentment toward them for not being there for me or my mom. I walk around in the forest in circles for most of the day. Even when I have a place to sleep for the night, I find myself sleeping in my vehicle so I can avoid interacting with others. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life financially, socially, mentally, physically, etc. I have not been to a Dr for my own health in 12 years. I don't even have a family Dr, I exist in the country and there are not many resources available that I am aware of to help me in any way. Even if there was I don't like asking for help. I have always made my own way and provided for my own needs.. Right now, I don't really know what I need other than some direction I suppose.

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I hope you are feeling better
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Sounds like you need some mental health care NOW. Please go to the nearest emergency room and ask for evaluation and treatment for what you have described.
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<3<3<3<3<3 Hi Red, it sounds like what you need more than anything right now is support and like you feel completely alone and that your scared to get close to anyone because of all the pain and suffering you have been through. You took the first step by coming here and reaching out. Talking to people about your experiences and reaching out for help and accepting it is the first step and your doing that now. Keep reaching out, keep asking for help, keep asking questions. You are a truly loving and compassionate woman who has given up everything for those she loves. Let people give back to you now. You deserve help and you need it. It makes people feel good to help others.

I am so very sorry for your losses and the grief and depression you are experiencing. There are services everywhere to help people with housing, through grief and depression, to get back onto your feet. Keep reaching out and asking for help. A social worker in your area will be able to help you find the resources you are looking for. Let people give back to you now. You have given everything and it's time to receive. You deserve help and you need it. I truly hope this helps <3
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Also, I forgot to add in my original reply that if you feel up to it, try volunteering at one place of your interest, one time per week . This will give you a new purpose and allow you to develop relationships and skills that you can use on a resume. For example if you like books, volunteer at a library; lots of good opportunities for learning and relationships there. If you feel like you would like to stay in with healthcare, volunteer at local hospital. Volunteer work has immediate rewards and long term relationships that can last.
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Give yourself 2 days to process without doing anything, just sit tight and think about it, breathe… talk to your inner self, she needs you to stand up for her, she’s also vulnerable and lonely, so stay put, close your eyes and feel yourself, dear, after enjoying the serenity for a couple of days , you and yourself can start planning for the next step, give yourself a schedule.
plan 3 meals a day, figure out what you and yourself want to eat. Let’s say 8 o’clock for breakfast. Have a cup of coffee if you like…. etc.
lunch should eat something more elaborate, like a piece of chicken, some water , that’s important.
dinner should start around 5-6 , that way you have enough time to digest so you will have more time to break down all the food and be prepared to go to bed around9:30pm .
Between 3 meals, you and yourself should partner and start getting ready to find groups to join. I like what other people are suggesting here , of course, you have to stick with 2-3 groups for now.

as soon as you start talking like what you are doing here in this forum, you both( you and yourself) will get help soon, if it doesn’t happen right away, it’s ok, it takes a little bit of time , love your inner self because she REALLY needs you to take care of her. If you can take care of a person for 12 years, you can do it. And I suspect you probably don’t know how great of a human being you are.

keep this schedule for 2-3 months. Meals are the first and foremost priority for anyone because without nutrition one cannot think straight. After you energize you both daily for a period of 20-30days, you will then have to plan accordingly with social workers who understand your situation. Fill in your hours between meals one slot and a time.
please come back here , we all want you to do well. But first thing first, eat 3 good meals… that’s your starting point.
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You are grieving.
Get grief counseling / support.
Perhaps see a medical provider for short-term anti-depressant or something.
And/or exercise, eat healthy, surround yourself with beauty: nature, gardens, parks, museums. You need positive uplifting deversions ... as you learn how to cope with reality.

Pretending is a coping mechanism.
With professional help, you will learn to confront your feelings and situations and stop pretending. Right now, perhaps pretending is a buffer you need to cope. Realty often hurts. Life is hard and difficult at times.

Gena / Touch Matters
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My heart breaks for you with the stress that you are going through and the loss of your mother. After caring for your mother and experiencing the ups and downs of caregiving, I can quite understand your feeling of never wanting to do this ever again. Caregiving is a very stressful job.

I am encouraging you to go down to your county social service (Welfare) office ASAP and see what benefits you can apply for. It seems like you will qualify for many, many benefits including housing. Also, they will assist you in getting Medicaid since you have no medical coverage. Just know that the help you will be getting from the social service office will only be temporary, if this is what you want, until you can get back on your feet again. Please also know that it is OK to ask for help, and it is OK to receive the much needed help that you deserve. Social service has helped many, many people to get back on their feet and they will help you also.

You were a good daughter to your mother and you will be rewarded for this. Do not give up as great things will be happening to you to help you get back on your feet. Praying for you that you will get the much deserved help that you need.
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Red1965: Seek out a therapist and also perhaps a women's shelter.
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<((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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Like so many others have said, my heart breaks for you. Start with a grief group and then, if you can manage, a good therapist with whom you can discuss your past and your future. You are deeply sad and need someone to talk with.
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God bless you.
You are surely suffering from
" caregiver exhaustion" , several layers of grief, past, present and anticipatory. Here's a few suggestions,to consider:
1. Please see a PCP right away. You need to begin by getting your own health assessed.
2. Ask your PCP for referral to a Licensed Social worker who should be able to offer you some options going forward. The SW should also be able to offer some services to assist you with housing, food etc etc.
3. Sign up for grief support either in a group or 1:1. A local funeral home should have some referrals. Or some hospice care may give you info.
4. Attend worship of your choice. Confer with senior pastor after and schedule some time to speak with them.
Eat balanced meals. Take naps. Get outside in nature.
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Please don’t be afraid to ask for help, we all need it at some point in our lives. I didn’t want to ask for help when I was younger but finally I reached a point where I had to. I am really glad I did.
I can’t add to the advice everyone else has given but I can say this, there are many people who care about you here. We believe in you and want to see you get past this stage. You are not alone!
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Red,
I think one of the first things you need to seek out is a Therapist that can be a neutral sounding board for you and all that you have gone through.
You say you do not like asking for help but you need to.
I have said 2 of the most difficult things in caregiving are 1) Asking for help and 2) Accepting help.
You need to do both.
You should also find a Bereavement Support Group. Not just to deal with the loss of your mom but of your son as well. There is no timeline on grief.

Please contact a Women's shelter in your area.
Catholic Charities is also a great place to connect with. Despite the name they will help anyone, any denomination they will not deny services based on religion.
You say you like to provide for your own needs...part of that is finding a way to get your needs met. What I and other people responding to your post are doing is trying to help you find a way to get the needs you have met.
If you were drowning and someone tossed you a lifejacket would you not take it because you did not get it yourself? If your house were on fire would you stand there with a garden hose and tell the firemen..."I got this, I want to do it myself?"
Accept the help you find.
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Grandma1954 Aug 2023
OOPS..forgot again. Grandma1954 August 3, 2023 10:30 am
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call crossroads 570 476 9228 in u s a or catholic charities are all over the world.
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Just a thought - there is something called "workaway". The website is www.workaway.org.

One of my mother's sitters travels extensively through this organization. There are opportunities in the US - probably every state - and throughout other countries.

Each host has some work that needs done - could be gardening for 4 hours a day, painting, helping on a farm or in a business, etc. The worker has to get themselves to the place and the host provides food and lodging. Some will offer small hourly wages in lieu of providing meals.

When this season of caregiving is over for me, I am planning on traveling through this organization. I'll be a solo traveler, so having a "home base" and hosts that can be of assistance will be invaluable.
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southiebella Aug 2023
What happened to the edit option on here? Ugh.

Anyway, the website is not .org. The website is www.workaway.info
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(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

If you have not already reached out to a mental health therapist, please do; it could be a big help
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Riverdale Aug 2023
The OP is sleeping in a car. How do you expect her to find a therapist?
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So sorry that all this happened to you. You write you have a daughter, she can't help you out temporarily until you get on your feet or perhaps another family member? It certainly would not be a permanent situation but this is an emergency and I just can't see your daughter or your other family turning their back on a family member who is homeless. That is cruel and shame on all of them if they feel they can justify this turning their back.
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You Can apply to Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe , NM for a work exchange Program . It is a Buddhist center . Joan Halifax Does a Lot with death and dying and Is compassionate with Caregivers. Lots of free courses at Upaya for Caregivers . You Can try Omega Institute In NY They go Until October . Kripalu Yoga center in Stockbridge , MA . Usually Needs help and has rooms . Mount Madonna in California does a work exchange program . I Know In Maine I see Farms That Need help . I recently learned That The Northhampton Housing authority Has Many Senior Housing Units in Massachusetts they Have a Federal Form you can fill On Line . You Need to get grounded and feel safe again and heal .
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First, I would contact a mental health organization and have them plug you into a shelter. From there, you would be assigned a Social Worker who can assess your needs. Their are housing programs that can you can apply for. Seek out the free services and counseling.

You have sacrificed yourself and your well being which shows that boundaries were not created. It happens to us all. I sought out counseling to get me through the crucial moments of securing a job and moving out of the family home. It was an adjustment at first especially without a car, but I eventually worked through it. My relatives vicious. There was no other way to put it, and I was estranged from family for over twenty-five years. Even when I tried to reconnect, there just wasn't enough to keep me connected to them.

I'm sorry for your loss.
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Hello Red , I have been homeless due to a accident and it is a terrible feeling . I am sorry for the Loss of your son and Mother - You Need grief counseling . Please find a clinic and Make a appointment for a Primary Care Physician who can help you find a social worker who can Help you Navigate the system for shelter , food , grief counseling , fuel assistance - Thats what they are there for . Then go to your Nearest Housing authority and explain you Need Housing due to Caregiving and a Loss of your son - This is where the social worker can help and Doctor write a Medical Letter . I would also ask the Doctor if they have a Psychiatrist to diagnose you with depression and PTSD . The Doctor can diagnose you also . Are there any type of support groups for the Loss Of a child ? You Need to get reconnected to the world and grounded . You are dealing with a Lot and should Not be embarrassed . Go to your Local Library If you Need internet and a computer . You are stuck - Get Unstuck and get Help . The grief counseling will release the sadness and Pain . You are Young . Its warm Out this is the time to get things Done before the cold sets In . Focus . Once you get a Letter from your Physician that you are clinically depressed go to the Social security Office and apply for SSI ( Disability ) . Get SNAP ( Food stamps ) Find a farmers market . Go On Craigs List - Are there any Farms That Offer work exchange programs ? In Boston we have Nesterly .com That is Low rent In exchange for People who Need help and Have extra Room In their House . I Know in Maine and Hawaii They have work exchange Programs . Are there any youth Hostels Near By sometimes they Need workers in exchange for House Keeping or the Office ? There are groups on Facebook where woman Meet up and camp Out . Usually In Arizona In the winter . Sisters on the Fly Has a group . They gather together . Are you close to any Community acupuncture centers ? They Offer support , meditation and Reiki . Holistic centers will Usually Offer work exchange Like Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY . You Need healing , someone to Listen to you , Financial support , a Roof Over your head and some friends . # 1 - Find a Doctor and a Clinic and get started On Your Journey Of Life again and get some grief counseling .
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I am sorry about this. However, your post is a word to the wise, what can happen when you give up your life for another.

Honestly, I do not understand why you have no place to live, if you always provided for yourself and made your own way.

You still have many years left, time to make a plan, if you need therapy to help you get through this change, go for it.

Good Luck!
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ventingisback Jul 2023
After death, mom’s house must have been solved: inheritance split also with siblings who didn’t lift a finger to help.

So OP has no home. House was sold.

In order to save on rent, OP sleeps in her car, and couch surfs.

(Ventingisback)
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You gave the best years of your life: age 45-57 (12 years caring for your mom 24/7).

Even better years are ahead, waiting for you! It was very kind of you to help. Please make your 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s…etc…the best yet. You deserve it.

Time to think about YOU. Lead an awesome life for you.
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Hello, Red. I am so sorry for your losses, in particular the sudden loss of your son. I also lost a young adult son suddenly (12 years ago). No one understands if they haven't gone through it. (People say, "I can't imagine"...and I think, "And how lucky you are.)

Your siblings didn't even help out at that time?!

Did your mother own her own home? I'm not understanding why you've now lost your home? Someone below said your mother paid you?

"I was sleep deprived and exhausted in every way possible and constantly felt and still feel under extreme pressure. I gave up my social life completely."

I think what you are going through now (besides the grief of mother loss) is a kind of PTSD from the years of unreasonable caregiving.

I am curious as to how/why you came to be your mother's 24/7/365 caregiver.

I also recommend Griefshare, although I understand they made some changes to the program from when I did it over a decade ago.
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KNance72 Jul 2023
Yes my Mother Joined a support group for Mothers who Lost their children .
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Im so sorry, that link doesn't work. Google Wyoming County Human Services.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Oh, that’s a shame…Barb
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Welcome, Red!

I'm so sad to hear about your many losses; I think you come by your sense of disconnection honestly.

Right now, the only person you should be trying to care for is you. To that end, can you either see go to our call the County Human Services office this morning?

https://www.google.com/search?q=tunkhannock+pa+social+services&oq=tunkhannock+pa+social+services&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQIRigATIHCAIQIRigAdIBCTIyMjk1ajBqOagCALACAA&client=tablet-android-samsung-nf-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#trex=m_t:lcl_akp,rc_f:rln,rc_ludocids:3279085792937029397,ru_gwp:0%252C7,ru_lqi:Ch50dW5raGFubm9jayBwYSBzb2NpYWwgc2VydmljZXNI7OTusOaAgIAIWjAQAhADGAAYARgCGAMiHnR1bmtoYW5ub2NrIHBhIHNvY2lhbCBzZXJ2aWNlcyoCCAOSARxzb2NpYWxfc2VydmljZXNfb3JnYW5pemF0aW9uqgFoCgovbS8wa2cxZnB3EAEqEyIPc29jaWFsIHNlcnZpY2VzKAAyHxABIhtG-y3ZSrChxiu4QGF9fb9X3-I8Kbft2pFKns0yIhACIh50dW5raGFubm9jayBwYSBzb2NpYWwgc2VydmljZXPgAQA,trex_id:gbQUUb&lpg=cid:CgIgAQ%3D%3D

Please check in with us tomorrow and let us know how you made out.
((((Hugs))))))
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Tackle one thing at a time. Not necessarily in this order:

1. Your financial situation. Your mom paid you, so hopefully you still have money.
2. Your grief.
3. Your health.
4. Finding friends whom you meet face to face.
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Hello, Red

First of all, I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your son and your mom.

Your story is absolutely heart wrenching. Do you have NAMI in your area? If so, please make an appointment to speak with someone.

I am glad that you reached out. You’ve been through so much and it takes courage to speak about hurtful things.

I wish you the very best and hope that you find peace in your life. You deserve it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Adding to my post. There is a group called Grief Share. They are a grief support group. You may want to go to their meetings. www.griefshare.org
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Go to a hospital.. ask to speak to a social worker... tell them what you are going through and had been going through... I don't know where else to tell you start your new journey in our new life... I am so sorry about your son and mother.

How old is your granddaughter? If she is an adult... perhaps reach out to her....

I know.... she is your granddaughter.... but this is a connection.... reach out to someone.... She will let you know if she can "handle" this situation... she may be able to actually help... only if you trust... and care...

You do have family.... reach out to one of them.... please.
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Red1965 Jul 2023
Thank you for your answer. My granddaughter is only 5. My daughter has her own set of issues which is why I was caring for my granddaughter as well. I do have a family when they need something from me. When I need something,,,,well not so much family anymore. Thank you again for reaching out, it is nice that someone takes there time to that that for a stranger. It really is appreciated.
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