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I am my 83YO moms main care taker, I was told by my older brother that since I’m the only daughter in the family, mom is my “cross to bear”. I have POA and am health care proxy, my younger brother will only help when it benefits him, for example, he did her grocery shopping for her with her food stamp card and bank card. So far he’s helped himself to $1,700 of her money, guess who goes to the bank and straightens out these messes, me! My daughter and I do all of moms appointments, cooking, cleaning, ER visits, phones calls to docs, insurance. It’s gotten to the point where I have no life, hubby and I retired 4 years ago. Her lawyer told me to take over her finances, well, mom has dementia and doesn’t remember why I took over the finances, so she gets angry with me, brother opened up an account with mom and had her SS rerouted to that account. I had it closed but I did not know her SS was rerouted, now her SS is froze because brother messed with her account and I have to fix it, this is never ending. I’ve called the police, APS and they seem to think because I have POA and control of her finances, she’s protected. But my brother calls her and badgers her about getting her cards back, then she calls me and she’s angry. It goes on all day long sometimes. I can’t sleep, I have headaches, depression, I’m in a bad place mentally and physically. I’m constantly am trying to stay 2 steps ahead of my greedy brother. And to add insult to injury, he’s revered and I’m just the medical/grunt person, it blows my mind but it’s always been like that. Today she called and demanded her bank card back again, my husband, who is supportive, told me to give them back, take myself off POA, the stress isn’t worth it. I’ll be dead long before my mother. Should I wash my hands for my own sake?

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Hoping some people will answer your questions in the morning.
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I'm with your husband.

Since you clearly come from a dysfunctional family in which greed is rewarded and your hard work is both expected and despised, I would resign POA and let your mother be brother's responsibility.

If brother cleans mother out and attempts to dump the responsibility back on you, allow the state to take guardianship of her.

It is pretty clear from your post that mom should not be living alone, unsupervised. Are there Assisted Living or Memory Care facilities in her state that accept Medicaid?
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Dear Owlady,

I'm terribly sorry to hear about how your brother is behaving and causing you more grief and pain. So many daughters find themselves in this thankless role of caregiver, accountant, cook, doctor, lawyer and accountant and the list goes on.

You sound like a very careful, dutiful and loving daughter. Because your mom has dementia your brother is clearly exploiting this for his own financial gain. I wouldn't listen to her. I would cut your brother off and just block him from contacting you.

Is your mom already in assisted living?

I too wanted to walk away but sometimes as the oldest and responsible one it was hard for me.

Is there a social worker that could help?

I know others will have more advice.

(((hugs))) You have to look after yourself too. I hope you make the best decision for your own health.
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The police and APS seem to have missed the point, which in turn makes me suspect that perhaps they didn't get the full story.

Your brother has stolen from your mother. $1700, apparently. He has acted fraudulently in diverting her social security income. He may be doing these things - bear with me - in good faith, believing that he is supporting your mother in her wish to support him and to evade your control; but she has dementia, she is incompetent to do such things as open a bank account and give financial directions, and he is therefore acting without legal authority and benefiting financially from it. This is financial abuse of an elder, plain as the nose on your face.

Go back to the police and make a formal complaint. Somebody he'll listen to needs to explain the rules to him.
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I suspect that since this 83 year old lady is living at home on her own, both APS and the local police are making this out to be a "family dispute" and are not willing to get involved.

I think, Owlady, that you need to go back to mom's lawyer (and you pay for that visit with Mom's money, not yours) and ask her/his advice about how to stop your brother from absconding with your mother's funds.

And since you seem to say that your mother has NEVER treated you well, you need to ask yourself why you are killing yourself to take care of her.
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I hope you are now sleeping & getting a solid rest.

Hang in there.
The choices are more than all or nothing : burnt out caregiver (as you are becoming) or resigning & walking away (as your DH suggested). You could even call it enmeshment at one end & estranged at the other. But there is a long scale with many many options in-between.

Reaching out for help is a great first step.

Next will be getting more help. Getting a bigger team for Mom than your team of one. Finding the right fit for care duties for YOU.

Let's keep the chat going. Many folk here have been through similar with elders with increasing needs & 'teflon' sibs (no responsibility sticks to them, just slides right off!)
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NavyVet90 Dec 2020
'Teflon Sibs' ... Oh, I love that! May I borrow it? LOL
It is so discouraging at how incredibly common this 'disorder' is, especially in toxic or dysfunctional families. I wonder if it has anything to do with how people are raised. What does it say about society that so many people seem to dump all the responsibility for parents on one sibling? I went through this myself as well, 2 brothers, both younger than me and both were aware that I've been on disability for PTSD since 1997. They both had a better childhood than I had. (Dad's favorites no less.) I never had children as I could barely take care of myself and yet caregiving 2 toxic parents was dumped in my lap. No choice, I did not volunteer. My caregiving nightmare is done and I'm in charge of the trust estate. (Thanks Mom who knew I was the smart one.) Thanks to my efforts, there is actually money left over and I'm doing everything by the book as per the attorney. Nothing had to go through probate and the best part is I get to wait until May 2021 to disburse the 1/3 each inheritance after filing a final trust tax return. Once I send the check with a final letter telling them off via registered mail so their wives don't get their grubby hands on it, I will be severing all contact with them permanently. They got to live their merry lives for the past 15 years while my health was ruined and my retirement years were stolen from me. I am so done.
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Owlady, I looked up your local Area Agency on Aging. Oneida County seems like they offer a wide variety of services for elders and their caregivers.

https://www.ocgov.net//oneida/ofa

At the very least, try to get a case manager for your mom. That will help you help her without being quite so hands on.
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Doug4321 Jan 2021
Yes, and this makes sense as a first step rather than paying for an elder law attorney, unless funds are no issue (which I imagine is rarely the case).

Third party intervention is required, I think, because of the possible elder abuse behavior by the younger brother.

If no satisfaction from the elder services agency, then the lawyer is the next step.
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Another vote agreeing with your H. Resign your POA and health care proxy, and let her become the responsibility of your brothers. If one was raised to think daughters are less and another one was raised to steal, then your mother didn't do such a great job with them, did she? And she favors the younger one over you.

She doesn't deserve your help. You've put in enough of the caregiving -- time for the boys to step up the plate!

It's just going to get worse and worse. What is the current plan for when your mother can no longer live alone (she is probably already to that point). Will the boys insist that dear mama can't be put in a facility? And then what? Do you move in with her, or does she move to your house?

If you are not willing for this to happen, step out of this muck NOW.
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missingjim Dec 2020
Her mother has dementia. She should be protected because she is not thinking right.
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A lot of times the advice in situations like is to walk away but I can foresee a future where your brother cleans out your mother's bank accounts and as a consequence she can't afford a memory care/nursing home and because of the financial shenanigans doesn't qualify for medicaid, unless you are willing to allow her to end her life alone and indigent that will all hit Your fan some day. I think you need to find a middle ground where you protect your mother yet are not at her constant beck and call: hire a geriatric care manager or simply limit the amount of interaction you have with her, and begin to make plans for a move to a more supportive living facility.
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Your brother has no legal obligation to “do” anything, but also I right to steal from your mother or harass you.

Whether your mother is “angry” or not angry or thinks you’re stealing from her or thinks you’re her sster-in-law is something you need to hear as aspects of her increasingly damaged brain. She cannot filter what she says, and she will not understand that ANYTHING she says to you might upset you.

If your mother is living with either of your loser brothers or living by herself, she is not safe. You may place her in an Assisted Living Facility. Begin researching g this move IMMEDIATELY. Whether you decide to do this or decide not to, JUST having the information you need will give you a greater sense of SELF empowerment.

NOTHING that either of your loser brothers says is IN ANY WAY relevant to who you are or what you do or any obligation they wrongly think they are entitled to impose upon you. NOTHING.

If you, as her lawyer suggests, are the legal controller of your mother’s finances you need to manage her demands by ignoring them. Once again, your mother has DEMENTIA, and her feelings toward your brother(s) and you are all subject to the functioning of her broken brain. If your brother is “revered” it’s because your mother in her broken thinking, has misplaced her trust. You and your brother are no longer children, quibbling over Monopoly games. This is yourmom’s health and safety those “gentlemen” are playing with.

If her ravings distress you (understandably) DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE when she calls. Once or twice a day calls are fine, keep them brief- “Oops there’s someone at the door, Mom. Gotta go!”

Do not allow yourself to be badgered. You have absolutely NO REASON to be. In a similar situation, I did much better after I achieved a quiet but unflinching pushback.

In your situation I would hold EVERYTHING having to do with your mother’s finances, keep fastidious records concerning her funds, and IGNORE EVERYTHING she or your brothers SAY to you (“sticks and stones.......”).

It is BRUTALLY HARD to ignore, and I too wasted MONTHS of sleepless, worrying nights, but if you are in the right, you really have nothing to lose.

Be strong, for her sake, but above all, be good to yourself and your husband, and especially at peace that you are doing right by her.
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Maybe look into a fiduciary as well for your mom’s financial affairs? I don’t have any more details on this front as I’m going this route in 2121 so have no extra info yet.

In my case it was suggested to me by a financial advisor due to greedy relatives poking their heads out of the woodwork and asking around, my sibling in particular is really bad. It’s not that I can’t or won’t do mom’s financial stuff ( honestly it’s the ‘easiest’ of the tasks ) but I need a firewall between myself and these people. This whole dynamic makes me sick. Maybe you need a firewall of this sort between you and your brother? Just another idea for ways to extricate yourself from this situation...

I really feel for ya. My mom actually thanks me SOMETIMES, but my sister & hubby call ONCE in several months and my goodness they are the most fantastic people in the world. Meanwhile guess who does virtually all the grunt work. We’re not Cinderellas and deserve better treatment than this!

Truly wishing you a way up and out into a better place!
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You have your mother's POA which means you have absolute control over all of her finances and assets. She does not even have authority over her own finances now. Transfer everything into new accounts and do not allow mom or your brother to have access to this money.
It is not your "cross to bear" unless you want it to be. You state that your mom is on food stamps. If she qualifies for that then she is also on Medicaid which means you can put her in a nursing home, and you should.
If she wants to let your brother walk all over her and spend her money then transfer that POA over to him and let him become her caregiver doing all the chores and taking care of her. You can make it his "cross to bear" if you want to. The alternative being a nursing home. This might get him to clean up his act.
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cwillie Dec 2020
Uhm, that's not true at all. POA is not the same as a court appointed conservatorship or guardianship, it is simply an authority to act on the grantors instructions, in many cases there is no requirement of proof of incompetence before it is in force (I acted as POA for my mom for years simply for her convenience)
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POA is not same as guardianship/conservatorship. Has your mom been declared iincompetent? If not, then I would resign my POA and I would make it very clear and blunt to mom what is going to happen if your brother controls her money. Also, who is Rep Payee for her Social Security? This is an SSA requirement and they do not honor POAs. If he is stealing her social security monies than report him to APS for financial abuse. The way they see it is that you are in charge, which factually you are not, because your mother does not cooperate with your requests and attempts to protect her. Make if clear that you do not have the authority to act as guardian/conservator. If you resign POA that might make it clear to them. There is no one to protect a vulnerable senior from your predator brothers. But mom needs an honest, blunt warning about what is going to happen and that you will not rescue her. It is not your lot in life to care for an ungrateful, uncooperative parent. And you should not accept responsibility without the accompanying power.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
"Also, who is Rep Payee for her Social Security? This is an SSA requirement and they do not honor POAs."

So many don't understand this. By SS rules NO ONE is allowed to "manage" any one else's SS funds unless they become rep payee. I wasn't aware of that when I took over mom's finances. I was able to have hers redirected to her primary CU account through the bank (she had opened an acct in a local bank and had her SS sent there, for easier cash access, but all bills were paid with the CU acct,) I unknowingly just used the SS and pension funds (federal, so another goodie to fix!) from that CU acct, until we were going to sell the condo. The only way to do the address change was to sign up for rep payee - all the paperwork says it is NOT legal to manage the SS funds unless you become the payee!

"If he is stealing her social security monies than report him to APS for financial abuse."

I wouldn't waste time with APS - report him to SS along with signing up for rep payee!!!
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Thank GOODNESS the Federal Government has Frozen your Mom's Social Security, because it sounds as if NO ONE has the slightest idea what is happening to these monies and accounts, nor what to do about criminal behavior.
Social Security doesn't use a POA. They require a representative payee.
If your brother made himself the representative payee on Social Security and added himself to her accounts then you are in some serious trouble if in fact YOU are the financial POA. You need a Lawyer. Your mother's accounts need to be in only YOU control and there needs to be no cards involved whatsoever. NONE. Cancel them at once. You need also to go to Social Security and file fraud charges against your brother if you are her POA.
Moreover, if you are in care of your mother you should likely now have her placed. Her Social Security will then go to pay for her care. This money she is paying out will be considered gifting. You say you are losing everything because of assuming care of her with no thanks from anyone and only stealing by the brother.
I question actually whether or not you feel you are capable of assuming POA for your mother, because this has got into a dreadful mess that no POA would have allowed to happen, and certainly no bank. I can't know what is happening, has happened, but yes, you need a lawyer, and your Mom's funds CAN pay for that IF you are financial POA.
Meticulous records need to be kept by a POA regarding ALL money paid out to anyone or taken in from anyone. This is no easy job. Please seek help now, get this ironed out, have Mom placed in care and resume a somewhat normal life.
These sibling wars, especially when it involves criminal behavior cannot be won. Consider contact APS and having them open a case to examine what is happening with your Mom's social security payments.
In all truth I thank goodness that the Social Security is FROZEN. You will need the help of a Lawyer now. And in all truth frozen is what it should be before it gets ripped right off and then the Government refuses medicaid help because of "gifting" of monies to your brother. This money will be returned when this is ironed out, but it needs to be done legally and without putting your mother's money in jeopardy.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
I concur with the need for SS rep payee account to manage OP's mom's funds, but this seems a bit harsh and possibly wrong:

"If your brother made himself the representative payee on Social Security and added himself to her accounts then you are in some serious trouble if in fact YOU are the financial POA."

WHY would she be in trouble for something he did? She wouldn't have known until after the fact, so it isn't her fault. POA just means you have the power to oversee her finances, manage things, sign paperwork. It doesn't give her ultimate power over everything! Conservatorship yes, POA not really. But, she tried to correct it by closing the account, which means SS had no place to deposit the funds. That probably led to freezing the account.

It doesn't sound like he did the rep payee. She said he took her mom to the bank, opened an acct and had her SS redirected there. Banks can do this, it's how I changed mom's direct deposit from a bank to the primary CU (before I ever heard of rep payee!) Then he had her add him to the account. HE is the one doing nefarious things and should be charged. HE should be reported to SS, not APS. It would be a federal crime to mess with SS!

Someone else suggested going to APS. I wouldn't waste my time there. Make appt with SS, to straighten this mess out AND sign up as rep payee. OP shouldn't need a lawyer to do this. I signed up to be rep payee for my mother, alone. I didn't even bring her with me and though I brought a lot of paperwork to show I'd been managing her affairs, they didn't look at one scrap of paper I brought! They ask their Qs and file the request.

If that's her only income, that would shut him out as OP and ONLY OP can access the special rep payee account that will need to be set up. If she has a savings acct associated with the card, find a way to lock access to most of it, get rid of that card and get a refillable debit card with a minimal amount for her to use, if she really needs one. Otherwise, it is easy pickings for brother.

Does she even need a card? If it's just a want, give her a cancelled one. She may never even use it (he might), but just having it would be good enough (my mother thought she lost her D card, and asked me to cancel it - why she didn't call them, I don't know, I wasn't stepping in as POA yet. So I did, but to order a replacement, the call had to be from her phone and she had to agree for me to talk to them. When I got there, lo and behold, there's the "lost" card! She just didn't put it back into her wallet when done with it. I used it to call them, wrangled through the "okay" process - fun with her bad hearing! - and tried to "palm" the cancelled card. She got angry and wanted it back, it's HER card you know! I had already partially bent it, because it was no good, but tossed it onto the table. Have fun trying to use it mom, you had me cancel it!!!
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It's a tragedy when family members try to fleece the elderly, especially those who are not mentally competent. Cut your brother out of your mother's life. It may also mean cutting him out of your life as well. Get a restraining order from the police. Let him know that he is not welcome and that there is a restraining order. You may also have to take mom's phone away and only let her use your phone when you are present.

Please consider adding additional helpers for your mom: reliable family members, long time friends, members of faith community, and paid help. The goal is to create balance between caring for your mom and caring for yourself and your marriage. You'll know the balance is pretty good when you have time to sleep 7-9 hours, eat regular meals, get exercise, and have time to nurture your marriage, other relationships and your favorite hobbies/activities. Make sure everybody abides by CDC or WHO protocols for COVID until CDC or WHO tells you it is ok to loosen restrictions.
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Becoming your mother’s Representative Payee will be the most secure way to preserve your mom’s Social Security benefits. She will need a diagnosis or a letter from a doctor saying she’s not capable of handling her money. The the money will come to you for her and you’ll need a separate account for this purpose. The name will read something like Mary Smith for Susan Jones (who’s receiving the benefits). You do have to account for how the money is used to show SSA. I’m waiting on pins and needles for a diagnosis for my brother (probably early onset dementia) so I can set it up. I would also consult an elder law attorney to see what you can do. Good luck.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
Not only the most secure, but really per SS the only LEGAL way to manage someone else's SS funds.

I don't know if they told you that you needed a letter, but I called my local office (not even in the same state that mom lived in at the time), made an appointment and answered all their Qs. They submitted the request and some weeks later I was approved. NO letter from a doc. I brought paperwork and bills with me to show how I was managing her money, but they didn't look at any of it. I also didn't bring my mother with me.

The accounting is fairly simple really. Keep records, but at year end they send a form to fill out - 1 page. Most of it is acknowledging you are still managing it, where s/he lives, how much is saved, but they lump things like food and shelter together, then have space for "other" expenditures.

IF you have your own SS account, they will link the information to your account (you don't make one in their name and should NEVER create any online account in someone else's name - it's in the fine print, big no-no.) If you log into your account, you can get online access to that form and fill it out online. It's not difficult at all!

The only issue I had was last year. Because mom was in MC, SS and her pension didn't cover half the cost, the rest was covered by trust funds. So, I applied the entire SS amt in one rep payee check to her place, and another check from her primary acct to pay the remainder, using all the pension funds and some trust funds. What remained from trust funds covered anything else. So, they questioned why I only used it for food and housing. Seriously? I filled that form in and sent it back with some rather testy comments - the pittance she got wouldn't even cover a cheap apartment, much less buy food as well! I also said she's 96 with dementia, in a wheel chair, almost no hearing and losing eyesight... where did they think she was going on vaca, New Zealand??? I guess they accepted it, I never heard anything back.
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Get yourself to an elder lawyer ASAP , protect yourself first. It will be worth whatever it cost. Take all steps necessary. Turn in brother for elder abuse and fraud. Lawyer will be able to direct you on all the steps you need to take. And in my opinion, do it to protect yourself first, your mother second.
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Your mother would not be taken care of good if you left it to the others. Take over her finances completely no matter if she gets angry and begin looking for a home to place her in. An elder lawyer, as others have suggested is a good idea. Get a doctor's approval and work behind her and her other children's backs to get her somewhere that will take care of her. That is what is best for her and you, I believe.
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worriedinCali Dec 2020
You think it is best for the OP to dive deeper in to this messy stressful situation when everyone else is working against her? Wow. And how do you know mom will get worse care if the OP steps back?
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Small Steps. You Are POA. Get onto her SS.GOV. SEE if you can talk with someone about it. If there is a ss office open near you, and next week, call, make an appointment. after reading your post, seems like you did that.. or SS did.

Then get a strict account, with just you and Mom, 1 ATM card, for you since you are taking care of the finances. Or, just say, no card needed, I will come in and take cash, and I want a personal PASS CODE ON THE ACCOUNT WHEN I COME IN OR CALL IN...

you love me, but she needs to follow your rules.. If you truly don't want to... the hand it over, and tell her there are no go backs, so if brother runs money down, MOM will LIVE WITH HIM.
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Question have you press charges against your brother? You can prove your mother has Dementia and you have POA and did not authorize any of these messes. Only other suggestion I have is change your mothers phone number don’t give it to your brother and get a caregiver in so anytime he’s there he will know
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It is not your cross to bear because your siblings say so. It is only that if you choose to. It sounds like the job is becoming more than you care to do, although you want to protect your mom. Without knowing what your mom's finances are, it seems advisable to look into the next level of care for your mom. Until then, have a talk with the bank to ensure that all changes to your mom's account must include your involvement. There are screening devices for your mom's phone so that you can screen your brother's calls when he goes on a tear. Your husband's suggestion of giving up POA might work, but it could just be kicking the problem down the road when your mom may face the possibility of being denied Medicaid for long-term care because she gifted (ie your brother stole) money. Maybe another meeting with the elder law attorney is in order. Whatever you do, you need to carve out time and develop healthy ways to release the stress you are feeling. This is hard during Covid, but just think how effective taking a long walk, a relaxing bath or noise canceling headphones piping in your favorite music might be. Anything that reduces stress (even temporarily) and makes you a little healthier is a win. Also, watch out that your daughter isn't burning out too. I tried to include my daughter in a way that was more enjoyable for her. She and mom used to go for pedicures together, for example. The other thing I did was make mom as independent as possible. She took the council on aging van to go to the hair dresser; one less thing for me to do and her independence was sustained which she liked. My responsibility was to make a reminder call to her to be ready for pick-up time. Your husband is recognizing the stress that caregiving is causing you. His suggestion may or may not be wrong, but just know there are many solutions to improving your outlook that don't necessarily have to be as drastic as walking away completely. Last, there are ways to report what your brother is doing. It is called elder abuse. Contact your council on aging and discuss it with your lawyer so that you can get professional advice about this topic.
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No, just tell your brother that if he persists in making trouble that you are going to report him for spending the mom's money.

I think with the threat, he will back off.

Don't give mom back her cards and tell her why. Tell her that she needs the money she has to live and you were assigned to manage it.

If you and your daughter need help to get a break then hire a Caregiver one day a week.
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I know exactly how you feel. The stress is unbearable. Sounds like you have a supportive husband that loves and cares for you. My husband and I have been retired about the same amount of time. It is a hard balance between caring for a parent and spending your retirement years with your husband.
I am just thinking this out
so bear with me.
You are the POA not your brother. Your mom has dementia. You can move her to a facility. You can sell her house. You can do more I’m sure. Your mother will need more care as time goes on.
Please talk to an elder care attorney about your options.
It would be worth the money to take a list of questions to find clarity. Check out all available facilities. Don’t tell your brother until you are about to move her. Or don’t tell him at all. Don’t tell your mom about the move. She has dementia and will not comprehend. When you are within a month of a move have a doctor check her out. Have dr do a memory test. Ask her doctor what he thinks about moving her. My dad is in a locked down facility. Get her vaccines. Get a TB test. Get a Covid test if needed.
Get totally prepared. Do it and don’t second guess your self. You mom is just moving to a new home (facility).
Your health is important
Your husband is important
Once she is moved and settled you can visit as often as you want. Eat lunch with her there. Do not take her out for anything except a hospital visit if warranted. My dad fell and broke his arm. So that trip was needed.
I feel your pain. You love your mom. It may take some time to get this ball rolling. Start doing your homework checking everything out. Pray a lot asking God to guide you. He will. Like I said before your mom is only going to get worse. You are helping her by doing this. Not hurting her.
When checking out facilities check to see which one has the least amount of emergency room trips. You might have to ask a nurse or someone who works at the hospital. You are not being selfish. You are caring for your mom and for yourself.
I have walked this road. It works out. I only tell my brother what he needs to know now. Updates on our dad’s health.
I put a Blink camera in my dad’s room so I can see him. A WiFi phone line called Ooma.
I go 3 days a week to visit. Other days are for my family.
To start get yourself a notebook and folder. Write down all notes.
Dr info. Lab work. Facility information. Keep it all together. It’s sad but you may need a “plan” the day of her move. I took my dad at lunchtime to the facility.
My son and husband moved her few items so she would recognize to her room. Hung pictures etc.
You are “the daughter” as your brother said. So do what you need to do.
Some will say that you are selfish. That your mom cared for you and now you should care for her. You are caring for her just in a different way than in her home.
I am cleaning my dad’s house out to sell to pay for his care now. Put that money where only you can use it.
Please take care of yourself.
Your husband needs you too.
God Bless you.
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You either are the POA and responsible for ALL or nothing. Your brother has not idea what he is putting you through. Dementia/alzhimers can last 10+ years and will destroy the caregiver unless there is a village to caring for the loved one. I would make sure my brother knows I M not emotionally vested and that I do not believe been a woman automatically makes me responsibility. Plus, your responsibility as a daughter/son is to make sure she is cared for. Not necessarily that you provide the care.
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It’s not “your cross to bear” your brother is just selfish and doesn’t want any of the responsibility. It’s also a double edged sword because of you don’t do it to spite him, your mother will be harmed. First hire a lawyer to help get a third party assigned as financial POA. No money will be spent without his/her consent and if your mother tries to berate you about the money, she can talk to the POA instead. Second check with your state or county elder services to see what help is available. My state has Telespond which has volunteers to come out for visits to your LO and also can drive them to appointments and shopping. This will take the burden off of you. You can also look into hiring respite care to fill in for hours when you can’t be available. This can be paid for with your mother’s funds. This is difficult but reaching out for help will ease your burden and protect your mom’s assets.
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Yes.
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I wish I had a good answer for you ~ my situation was similar with siblings. I did not mind at all helping my parents but when siblings were taking money, running around having parents sign legal documents behind my back to gain control, and undermining my parents trust in me, it became exhausting.

You are a “Concerned Family Member”, or CFM. It’s a real term for people like you, like me.

I explored so many options to keep my parents safe financially and emotionally and I failed. I went the legal route and it cost me dearly.

Our legal and social service systems are way behind on the elder abuse issues. Believe me, I have been thru it.

My siblings disrespected all my parents wishes that were made when they were of sound mind. They took control of their finances, their health care directives and their emotional well being - it wasn’t well at all - they fostered an animosity toward me that is painful to this day. My parents both died in the hospital alone.

By staying and taking all the crap, I thought I was setting a good example for my daughters. They too have been affected by the greedy family members. They are not more compassionate ... just bitter at how I was treated when I cared so deeply.

You need to take care of you and your immediate family. A greedy family member will never stop and the laws favor them. It costs you to protect you and your mother financially and emotionally.
There is no justice.

I hate how negative my experience has left me. I never felt this way before.

I wish I had hope but we are far away from legal solutions that protect both the elderly and their care givers.

Protect your heart, your marriage and your immediate family.
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Some of the advice here seems factual, others are just opinions not based on fact.
The first thing you need to do is get a consultation with a well regarded elder lawyer who can give proper legal advice and help you navigate through the process. This will take a huge burden of worry from your shoulders.
Once you have the facts from a lawyer - and if you want to maintain a less stressful relationship with Mom and brother, schedule a sit down and iron it out. It seems like there is a lot of finger pointing, with both siblings thinking he/she is "right". I am sure each one of you has your own version of the situation, and Mom is in the middle feeling scared and insecure. Lighten that burden by trying to talk it out in a non confrontational way. I know that will be hard, but you CAN do it if you keep in mind that in the end you will know you did everything you could to keep those relationships in good stead.
I am taking care of my Mom and my 2 brothers have different opinions about what her needs & limitations are ( one helps a ton less than the other). It is a huge source of stress on me, who does it ALL. However, going to the attorney has helped me in knowing that I am legally doing the right thing for Mom. I know your heart is in the right place - and the road isn't easy - so get the support you need NOW.
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Kelkel Jan 2021
I know I didn't post the question you're responding to but I wouldn't waste my time with a brother who says it's "my cross to bear" while he reroutes her social security check to a new shared account with him. He isn't trustworthy & is making her do all the hard work while he controls his sister & steals from his mom. That's where most of her stress lies. Get rid of him. Do what's best for the mom. Use her funds towards helping the sister through home aides so she can be there for her mom. The brother is no good. Sorry but we find this things out unexpectedly in life sometimes.
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I agree with your husband. Yes...and buy some wonderful hand lotion as a reminder you are DONE!
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Hi, I would never do that your mom needs you.
Can you hire care that is what I would do. My sister has POA and she is a controlling bitch. You can control your bother as POA you can block him from money put a restraining order on him to stop asking for money etc.
Very sad to see families like ours fighting but I would not leave your mom. Find help is that possible? We hired synergy home care in home care. I have no control I try to be supportive anyway my sister actually blocked me from checking in on parents online with the home care agency. Pretty sad but nothing I can do parents picked oldest sister and mom picked you. That means she trusted you. Good luck..
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gdaughter Jan 2021
In my case the sibling has made it clear I made my own choices to remain under parents roof and fall into the caregiver role. Yet the rare times she visits from out of state, she often says "I don't know how you do it" in under 4 hours of being them and this last time she expected to have her travel expenses and "incidentals" reimbursed. She was not happy when I, as POA informed her if she wanted funds it was up to her to ask her father for them, as it was THEIR money and I only took directions from him (mom has dementia). She had the balls to ask and claimed she paid bills in my absence. The only bill I am aware of her paying was for signing them up for a Rx delivery service and it was put on Dad's credit card! Oh, yes, she offered to take over paying their bills and relieve me of that burden, prefacing the idea with knowing I would never agree (LOL) because I had to be in control. She can't find 30 seconds to respond to an email from me, but if there were confusion or I needed to know if a bill had been paid or not, there would be no response. So that is why the mail and bills will continue to be handled by me as the local relative while she continues to live her little life states away. She has no idea how our father thrives within his home and community and that forcing him to move would be the death of him, or the costs of assisted living or a nursing home and how quickly the funds would vanish.
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