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Simple answer: YES
You will fell guilty, shameful and a long list of other feelings.

However you will be relieved of the stress that is eating you alive. You will live much longer and be able to enjoy your retirement.
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Wow can you turn your brother over to family services for elderly abuse? Is he getting into the shared account he set up with her & using her social security check? Also how did he route her check there without poa? I've been the sole caretaker for my mom with dementia for 10 yrs, my daughter helped some but is now 19 & moved. It sounds to me like you need organization. Get your brother completely out of the situation. My brother stays out, he also used to think I just enjoy it & that's why I got a divorce, left my career, sacrificed my entire life for my mom. It's a stupid rationalization so they don't have any guilt while they travel & have a great time. I'm paying my mom back for all she did for me. I'm obligated, responsible & she deserves it. Your husband probably doesn't like the burden, the time you give to your mom or the stress you have. Mine wanted her placed in a nursing home immediately. I say do what's in your heart. If your husband loves you unconditionally he will support you. Organize your docs & legal support and make sure your brother has no rights & get him out of the picture. Use daycare at nursing homes that offer it to give you breaks, if any offer it now with covid. Some of her social security could go towards a home health aide to also give you time off. After things are straightened out & you get an understanding of how to make it work, it will become routine & much much easier! Good luck :)
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First of all, take a breath. I know how stressful it can be to be sandwiched between the right and wrong of the issue. Regarding your brother, you can prevent him from using bank funds and food stamps. Since you are POA you can delegate the access to those accounts making it possible for you to use them for your mom. If you dont have finacial POA, that might be a little more difficult but there is a way to do it. You can keep the debit card and food stamp card and shop and pay bills online. You only need her account information and social security number. I pay my mom's bills online and shop for her online using her debit card. No questions asked. The groceries or whatever she needs is delivered in a timely manner. Regarding your mom asking for bank cards and the food stamp card, just say "Okay mom. I'll get it for you". If she has memory issues, she will most likely forget that she asked for it. Its not being dishonest on your part. You're doing what is best for your mom. Dont leave checks or anything laying around the house for your brother to get his hands on. The less ability to gain access to the bank account, the better. Make the decisions that you know are the best for you and your mom and dont worry about your brother or anyone else. I wish you the best, and know that you aren't alone.
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Per my 2019 experience APS will only get physically involved if an elder parents admits there's something wrong. They will take the person who is harming her name and put out a statewide (maybe national) warning about this aggressor.
That happened to my younger sister who went to go visit mom in the skilled living facility I put her in. The offices are in front and see everybody that comes in the front door. The blessed staff checked an internet site to see if mom had listed under her file that should not be near her.
They escorted sis out the door.
Skilled living places can handle someone's SS unless the person objects and has a responsible family member willing to do it. I have mom's POA and handle her SS.
If the place handles her SS check they receive all but $60 which they allow the resident to use as an allowance, every month.
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What a brother! The golden child strikes again and is sexist at that. How unfortunate for you. I would be asking some generalized hypothetical questions for guidance from APS and what they can or cannot do. ANd I would touch base and have a consult with a certified elder law attorney for guidance. I just went through something in the last few months, and it has greatly impacted my life, so I will share again the illness and damage this kind of caregiving stress can engender. Your life has value as well. I'm telling you from one loving daughter to another, you really COULD be dead before your mother. I can't imagine either of us not wanting to care, or being able to stop caring, but you need a better plan in place to give you peace and protect your own well -being.
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I think you should turn Mom and her finances over to your brother. Just hand him everything and go about your business. Don’t need to answer calls or emails for awhile. They’ll have to figure it out and whatever will be will be, difference is your health and sanity remain intact while there is a slo-mo train wreck. Too bad so sad.

This is a no win situation unfortunately. There are consequences for actions, and they need to feel them, without you and daughter sweeping in to rescue.
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Get a restraining order on your brother. Don't take your mother's calls.
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I AM A LOYALAND FAITHFUL READER, BUT BY TIME I GET TO YOUR PRESENCE, THERE ARE TOO MANY REPLIES ALREADY IN PLACE!

I MAY HAVE AN IDEA OR TWO, TO ASSIST YOUR WONDERFUL EFFORTS. AND, FOR A NOVICE, I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF EXPERIENCES!

MY PHONE IS, LIKE ME. GETTING OLD, SO IF YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHAT A BIT, LET ME KNOW
NAME AND TELEPHONE AND EMAIL FOR PERSON TO COMMUNICARE WITH.
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It would be worth it to consult with a Guardianship attorney in your area.
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I too cared for my mother. I have 5 brothers and none of them lifted a finger to take her. I found out she had a credit card with one of my brothers who continued to charge stuff with out paying a penny on the card. I finally called my younger to tell him I couldn’t handle it anymore. He took her in and it only lasted one month before his wife told him she couldn’t do it anymore. Her daughter took over but she had children and my mom was neglected. Short story she ended up in the hospital with bed sores. I prayed a lot and brought her home from the hospital. When I took back mom’s financial account it was empty. She didn’t talk or smile anymore. I contacted Social Services and found out she qualified for a in-home caregiver. It was only for 5 hours a day but I said it would be worth it. After all she had her Social Security and we didn’t need her to help pay for anything. Her out of pocket co-pay was over half of but it was worth. Although social services provided the name of caregivers. It took 3 women who I felt treated my mother as I would want to be cared for. She was wonderful lady and loved her job and it showed. Mom has been gone now for a while but I’m so glad I got help. It made my part of the job so much easier and pleasant to be with my mother until she went home. I suffered the depression and heart ache of accusations. But you know she was much happier with her caregiver. Get help. You’ll going to be okay. Believe it.
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First of all, ALL members should share the burden of elderly parents or place them somewhere. Second, your mother has dementia and is causing all kinds of problems which are having horrible negative effects on you (and also what your brother is doing in the matter). You CANNOT AND MUST NOT CONTINUE TO ALLOW THIS TO BE THE CASE. I would talk to an eldercare attorney and immediately RESIGN officially as the Power of Attorney but also be prepared to place her somewhere that she is taken care of. Let the attorney work and handle the financial problems - I think you will need help in that area. But - RESIGN AT ONCE, PLACE HER and start living the life YOU deserve. Good luck.
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TouchMatters Jan 2021
I totally agree. Thanks for the support.
TOO many excuse male greed and whatever else one wants to call it due to the OLD OLDEN days when sons were treated like kings. I think that is changing, if slowly. Although, these ... belief systems could also be based on traditional religion. Either way, gotta nip that in the bud.
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Firstly ..I want to point out to some who answered here ..that she has two brothers ..older made the cross comment and younger is the fleecer. The older bro might just be continuing in what his parents have always raised them to think ..my parents raised their sons to just be waited on by us girls ..and they feel entitled. Both are now living in my parents home and contribute almost nothing other than being there. Also the older one will get all the life insurance free and clear plus his part of house , and this only because mom finally realized she needed to do something for the girls too. However almost nothing will be left if anything ..the boys living there still are to my mind getting their inheritance now ..but in reality the rest of us will get little or nothing. They don’t even do the care ..parents have paid for that, and those who live there are too lazy even to see if VA or insurance will pay any of this.
Anyway for my answer to poster. First , likely mom is just picking up on what yb is manipulating her to do...plus with dementia she is not fully responsible. First , have a meeting with both bros and get the issue out in open...do they both know what is happening with this? If mom can’t live on own then put her in a home ..they likely will insist her checks go into their banks account and then will have only a bit allowed for her use anyway, plus will make it pretty difficult for your yb. If anything valuable in house change the locks and don’t allow yb in...clean and sell home to help in mom support . Do a round robin to distribute goods ...make sure to include your daughter who has helped out.
Dont just abandon mom to your yb who does not have her best interests at heart. He might even be lying to himself that he is just helping her out , perhaps she lies to him due to dementia, sometimes they get strange ideas in their heads especially with paranoia concerning money. She may have told him to buy himself stuff. My mom knew my sister was using her credit card and buying herself stuff too but said she was okay with it ..and she actually was willing to put up with a LOT in order to stay in her own home.
If the family meeting doesn’t help and you won’t put her in a facility then at least change acts , get yourself set with being ss rep payee, and only allow mom a debit card with small amount in acct. I wouldn’t even allow bro to shop for her anymore unless you control this to an acceptable amount ..he could also just buy all his groceries with her credit. In my siblings case ..this is another area that they don’t pay for themselves ..parents account pays it all despite that they barely eat, meanwhile three adult men have it all.
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As POA, you are in charge, period. You are acting as your Mother, since your Mother no longer is able. So legally, you are the only one allowed to do anything with her finances.

The best coarse of action may be to open new accounts at a different bank, transfer all of her money there - but one card only, that is in your possession always. Then straighten out the Social Security deposit, by becoming her Representative Payee. Tell your Mother a white lie that the Bank or Social Security made you do it.

Completely block brother and your Mother from being able to access the new accounts. As POA, you have that authority. That will also allow you to track all expenses for that point on. (You can even use that as an excuse if you need one).

As part of you taking control, you should absolutely report your brother to APS. You will have to account for the funds he took down the road, when she needs to enroll in Medicaid - so you will need an official report of some kind.

Once you do these initial things, the bumpy road will smooth out. You mother and your brother will no longer be able to argue about money, and he won’t be able to steal from her any longer. It will all be legally locked up where he can’t get to it, which will be a huge burden off your shoulders.

I think the you may feel better about being POA. You will know you’ve protected your Mother and be proud about that.
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TouchMatters Jan 2021
Yes Becky T - good suggestion to report brother to APS.
Good suggestions overall. Thanks. We all need to hear sound thoughts (even though I was in the camp of stop being the POA ... that isn't so cut and dry) and certainly not an easy decision.
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Owlady,

My heart goes out to you!!

Your first priority absolutely needs to be your own health!!!
I didn't heed that warning and my health has suffered severely over the last 15 months!!

Having said that, it seems to me that you have a few options.
1) Do everything you can to prohibit your yb from anything related to Moms money! Speak to an elder care attorney. Threaten him with an injunction if he persists.
2) Hire an in home caregiver or consider ALF. As you know, her dementia is only going to get worse. This would take some of the pressure off of you and give you the energy to monitor Moms finances.
3) You can pass on POA and caregiving to your yb.
I think you know what will happen with that!

I wish my brothers would step up, but I know now that it will never happen!

Please, please take care of yourself!!

(((Hugs)))
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GET WITH AN ELDERCARE LAWYER RIGHT AWAY SO YOU CAN WORK OUT THE BEST PLAN OF ACTION. EVERYONE HERE HAS SUGGESTIONS- MANY OF WHICH ARE GOOD, BUT ATTEMPTING TO GO THROUGH THEM CAN BE VERY CONFUSING. YOUR LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING SHOULD BE ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
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Wow! What a bad situation! Your first priority is to yourself and your husband. You shouldn't be doing things that make you sick. Consult with her attorney about your financial issues. Perhaps he can help. Many grocery stores and now online as well have delivery service, so perhaps you can arrange for deliveries if you can't shop for her. As POA all statements and bills should go to your address, including Social Security, when you get that straightened out. Your brother should not have access to her credit cards, checkbook, or any financial information, etc. Can you hire people to help with cooking and cleaning? Also, if you have "strangers" in the house you should lock up all financial papers and valuables. Do you think she would agree to living in assisted living (don't call it memory care when you speak with her, but if she has dementia she should be in memory care)? If so, she'd be more protected from your predatory brother and it would take some of the burden off of you. Remember that dementia usually gets worse over the years. If she moves to assisted living she'll need help with downsizing and moving. At some point she may need much more care. A social worker might also be able to advise you on the more human aspects of your relationship with your mother and also on her options. Good luck! Take care of yourself.
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Sounds like you need an attorney and a therapist. Really. You need to take care of yourself. Maybe your husband is right. If you don't make some decisions in YOUR best interest, you will go down with a sinking ship. I would expect ALL adult children of a parent(s) to take equal responsibility for the care of a parent(s). Since this isn't happening, and it is worse, you need to legally protect yourself. And emotionally and psychologically too. Keep talking to us here. We will give you the support we can although you need to get a major handle on your life and the situation you are in. I'd likely go with your husband and get off the POA, however that is a very personal call. Light and clear thinking to you, Gena.
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Imho, seek out an elder law attorney now. You require respite badly, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one. Prayers sent.
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Similar thing happened in our family. First off contact Social security and report fraud. Tell them all you know. Hire an elder care attorney. Get guardianship or give guardianship to the state and let them handle her finances. You have a POA, but is it a DPOA and is it medical or financial or both. Is there a back up POA listed?
Hhopefully you will get social security to get things straightened out for you. Someone with dementia should not have bank cards. Does her doctors recover kse her as a demetia person? Does she live alone? Is she in a senior living center?

BEST of luck
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I know where you are coming from, I took care of my 85-year-old Mom, who had Alzheimer’s Dementia for 4.5 years, but I had full time help for 6 months at a cost of $40,000. When the money ran out in May, the help was gone, and I was once again her full-time caregiver.
The 6 months provided me some badly needed rest and recuperation,
but not nearly enough and from May to November I struggled, and I searched far
and wide for some kind of help but help costs money. I found out that hospice
isn't for patients who have only 6 months to live, because some people actually
get well enough to leave and others are with hospice for years.
They furnished incontinence supplies, Ensure (which is very
expensive), bed pads, medicine, a physician, a RN 3 times a week and a health
care aid 3 times a week, who bathed and assisted in her hygiene.
In November she had a fall and broke her pelvic bone right up the
middle and they wouldn't send her to a rehab, so they basically sent her home
to die. There were so many days that I wanted to run as fast and as far as I
could from the situation, but I was the only family member that was available
to care for her.
You need to take care of yourself because 35-40% of people who
caregiver die before the person they are caregiving does and that shouldn't be
the way it is. You have to realize that family members, unfortunately will try
and make you feel guilty and the guilt is something that you shouldn't even
think about.
I was losing the compassion and nurturing care I started out with.
When my Mom passed, there was a giant sense of relief, I was sad, but I
realized how much of my life I sacrificed and will never get it back. Find a
way out for you own sense of well-being and mental health. Good Luck.
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Block his number from calling her phone. He can only talk to her through your phone. Let the police and APS know that although you have POA, this is what brother managed to do. Contact social security and see if they can put alert or something on her account to warn you if someone tries to reroute the money again. Or ask if they can make you Payee and put the money in an account that only you have access to. You would have to maintain good records showing her money was only spent for her needs, but it might help.

It sounds as though you and mom don't live in same house and that's how he worms his way in. You can call the FS office and do payee for that card - where you have her FS card and would have to make the purchases.

If he continues to take her money, when she finally needs a Medicaid bed, it will be considered 'gifting' and Medicaid will apply a penalty period where she has to pay out of pocket before they start paying.

You can remove yourself if you want, but when he drains her completely and she can't get Medicaid to pay for her NH bed - are you going to feel guilty and bring her to live with you? Or will you be able to tell mom and the two brothers, her care is on them? It's possible she really needs to be in a facility now so that her income is actually paying for her care instead of lining brother's pocket. And as for the older brother - there's no reason that a son can't help to tote that cross as well. Pretty ignorant statement to make to someone. Hope his daughters are willing participants for his care. Would be a real shame if he only had sons.
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2021 Resolution concerning the situation. Division only yields confusion, resentment and frustration. Haven’t you heard? Doesn’t pay to be too nice if it’s not appreciated. Mama don’t want to play along? Release the legal bonds, and since she seems to be capable to demand as if in sound judgment, release your life, and the life of those close to you from financial and moral obligations. Life is too unpredictable at best, you have obviously attempted a job that is well known as tedious and demanding to sad results so far. Let brother and mama unite forces now, and like Pilate wash your once willing hands from further obligations. At best you will enjoy our beautiful world a little better, and at worst you will be able to breathe easier. Also sounds like you have a very decent mate. Happy 2022, and God Bless your family!
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You decision should not be influenced by all this past, present or outside 'messes'! Draw a line and step behind it the stand firm. I live by one simple value. What is the true motive of my heart one. What is the intended motive of any other person. With that clearly settled: do what is best for you and your Mom. If you are not well in mind and body you can not help anyone. If your Mom counted on you then only you can settle that you have done everything in your life to do just that.
often this option is left out.. If you have notor your not sure,, stand, get well, finish with your best effort.
Then or now,, Move on, re-evaluate your motive. Is it obligation, guilt, love or others? You can't live someone's else's convections. Answer for yourself. How do I know? You will have to read my novel when 25 on-going years (two with dementia turning my 88 year old Mother into a stranger) is finished. lol
I feel so much for what your going through. Motive is often the meaning of life.
PS: never loose the joy of humor...laugh now and then.
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I don't know the answer to this but your hubby is correct......YOU need to take care of YOU......and now before you have a heart attack or something.  Not sure how your brother got the SS re-routed when that has to be done by the person who has the SS. so he might have done something shady.  Speak with an Elder attorney, tell them everything and that you want off and how to get it done.  Then if younger brother wants to be in charge.......let him, but tell him that YOU are no longer to be contacted for anything.  Its seems mean to do that to your mother, but when the tough gets really going, then what is he going to do?  let him figure it out.  Also, let her know that you are no longer responsible for anything.  Its a shame that some people in the family are so greedy, but things happen.  I wish you luck on this, but call a good Elder attorney.
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Owlady,

One more thing occurred to me.

As Moms POA you are responsible for her finances.

The first warning I was given after becoming my Aunts POA was to keep meticulous records!!

If your brother is taking money from Mom, you could be held accountable!!

Misappropriation of funds is no joke!!

Please protect yourself!!
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Your story is very common. Fortunately for me, my two siblings abandoned my parents before things got really bad. Both had no interest in helping either of my parents, they were interested only in their inheritance. I was their sole caregiver, along with my husband until my Dad passed from lung cancer in 2017. We are now both my Mom's caregivers, she is 93 and will be 94 in April. With regard to SSA, you should be her agent, which is done with you and her in person at the SS office. You are set up as her agent, you are listed on her checks, statements and all correspondence. No one can access her information, contact SSA on her behalf, nothing. YOu can tell SSA of your brother's antics so that they will be on the lookout. Share that information with your Mom and let her know this is for her protection. That is first and foremost. Beyond that, you should maintain your POA and Medical POA. You didn't mention if your Mom lives alone or if she lives with you. I am guessing that she lives alone since your brother is able to get to her and manipulate her. We moved my Mom in with us into our upstairs, her own suite where she has privacy, we have ours, and we are able to provide her 24/7 care. That was a HUGE relief for us, not having to run back and forth between houses and run errands, etc. That nearly killed us. Now Mom is happy and well taken care of. She has dementia, which is progressing. But she does understand that she is safe and has everything she needs. Medicare will provide home health care a few times a week if her primary physician will order it for her. Her dementia diagnosis should be sufficient for HHC to be ordered for her. That will give you some relief in caregiving. If you want to get proper control of her finances, care, etc., it will give you the upper hand to have her living with you. After we did that, the relief was so immediate we wondered why we didn't do it years sooner! Now we have a daily routine that is liveable, and it ensures against caregiver burnout. Good luck with your situation. I have dealt with unbearable siblings for most of my life, and the best advice I can give you is to separate your Mom and yourself as much as possible, you will be so much better off. and contact SSA and inquire about becoming her agent.
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