My siblings have left a lot of the responsibility on me caring for our mother.
Making appointments for GP, finances, etc.
My mother is now in care for the past few weeks. My siblings and I have been chatting about my mother's well-being since going into care.
I feel my siblings are taking over without my input, which makes me furious to the point I start to verbally abuse them.
I guess my resentment is very deep towards them, it's creating alot of stress and anxiety in my day to day life.
I have lost respect for them on all levels.
This has caused a lot of resentment with them towards me. I was pretty rebellious and wild in my youth and did things which I knew would anger him and still he turned a blind eye, while everything my sister and brother did was dealt with in the harshest manner. So maybe this is payback on their part and why I suspect that I was the given the job.
It’s got to the stage that I don’t bother ringing them to tell them anything regarding our father and would be happy to have no contact with them at all. I can’t be bothered because they simply don’t care. Sorry about the rant.
anecdotally, it seems like most of the burden falls on one person and that one person more often than not is a woman.
I had a knock down drag out fight with my two sisters and brother over my father's care and the burden of keeping up the house and yard. I just blew up at them and I must have hurt their feelings quite a bit as we stopped talking.
Then about a month ago he fell and hit his head. He died a week ago. His death was unnecessary and the result of the two sisters' refusal to even consider assisted living or adding caregiver hours. At least I was there when he died. The other two had gone home even though the hospice nurse advised he would probably not last the night.
I too have lost respect for my siblings, something I could never have imagined before all this began. We came together while he was ill but now we are in the probate preparation phase and planning the funeral, so the hissing and spitting is starting up again.
I so look forward to getting on with life after this is all over and accepting that my siblings (and I include myself) are not the people I thought they were.
I think my siblings didn't know how much I did to take care of my father. I devoted myself to protecting him through the pandemic. I worked with his geriatric physician to make sure that he was as healthy as he could be at 93. I could have made a list a mile long of the time and effort I took to protect his health.
I imagine that sitting them down and laying out to them what you've done to successfully get your mother to this point might trigger them. Then again, maybe they don't have the wits or the interest in understanding how much work it is and how exhausted it can leave you. On top of that, you're feeling slighted and maybe you should tell them that.
I have a feeling your mother does not have durable medical or financial powers of attorney or you would have mentioned it. If she is still competent enough to manage her affairs, this is a good time for her to get all her estate planning documents drafted.
Suggestions, not legal advice.
I don't know anything about legal action or services that might be able to guide you properly. I just wanted you to know you are a saint, struggling through a very difficult season. You are not alone. ~ VV
I have been responsible for my parents care for almost four years.
I find that when my sibling and their family comes on the annual guilt trip, I am left with a pile of unfinished ideas and applications to complete that will make mom and dad's life easier.
In the past I would be filled with resentment and rage and be filled with stress and anxiety and I needed to find a better way for myself and my family. I used to feel obligated to follow through to make my sibling happy with their requests.
So now I look through the paperwork and shred it and do what I think is best which so far has been nothing. In a few weeks everyone will settle into a new routine and just go back to living their lives. Don't defend yourself you've done
enough.
I no longer dwell on it, because the anger was eating me alive. I will never forgive him, but I don't focus on it. I have had to move on. That is my advice to you....let it go. You can't control them and you can't get that time back.
A friend once said the more enlightened you are, the greater the burden. That said, I’m awestruck but the ignorance and narcissism of the clueless.
CaregivingNYC - You might change your mind if you met my parents. Dozens of friends, neighbors, family and co-workers all backed away from these people, that is if they weren't dumped first by my folks. That many regular people can't be wrong. There was a big problem with them...Toxic with a capital T.
You see from what I quoted above, I did help them. I helped so much that I lost 5 lbs in a week, my friends told me I looked haggard, unwell and wanted to help me in doing for my parents. I'm glad you worked out your family matters in a way that was good for you. I did too but I don't blame anyone else for not stepping in when these parents caused so much chaos and drama.
I don't go for the standard "but they're your parents and you should do for them" thing. Sadly because there are many unkind and undeserving people in this world. Not everyone who can reproduce should reproduce.
many, many families. consider this carefully when you are feeling "sane"...you know what i mean. i send you warm hugs.
Vinnie, please accept any help offered and try to accept it graciously. Maybe they just now realize they need to do better to help you out. Obviously none of us know the entire story from your short post but from an outsider looking in, step back and let the other children take some responsibility if they are willing. It doesn't have to be all on you and it shouldn't be all on you.
If I have it all wrong, write more so we can pinpoint and narrow down our advice and opinions.
Your relationships are being tested snd some (or all) might not pass. As your mom ages and more stress is introduced (and issues like money come into the limelight) the relationships could deteriorate further. You could see ugliness that is downright heartbreaking in people you previously trusted completely. In the future, you may not feel loving and close (or even talk) as you once did, and if that happens you will still be okay.
Lean in to friends (your chosen “siblings”) as these relationships may prove more lifelong lasting than the biological ones.
Protect your mother and her wishes as best as you can.
You are absolutely not alone.
I'm sorry to say things between you and your siblings may be tense for the foreseeable future. I put my parents into LTC in Sept 2018 and lost Mom in March 2019, The last time I saw or spoke to my brothers and their families was at her funeral. In Jan 2021 when I lost Dad to Covid they received texts from me which imho was all they deserved since neither brother nor their spouses or adult children opted to visit him in the last 18 months of his life.
Generally when I read stories like mine I assume there was a very dysfunctional family dynamic so I'll take the time to be clear up who my parents were. They adopted the three of us, moved us out to the country, bought us puppies, ponies, and bunnies, got me braces, sent us to summer camp and college and were both hardworking people. They were kind and good and sweet and deserved better than what my brothers gave. In fact they would have been far better off to not haved adopted twin boys and instead enjoy their life together with a daughter who adored them.
I only hope you fare better than I because obviously I'm still furious.
Continues to boggle my mind that most treat their pets better than their elderly parents.