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My father-in-law is cussing everyday from dawn to dusk. He's very controlling and has a overpowering personality even with dementia. He's 88 years old. I'm getting tired of him cussing us out every day for 365 days. He's nice and cordial when he wants something or especially when it's time to eat. When the last bite gets in his mouth and he gets up from the table, there goes the cussing. His son is fed up and we are currently making plans to place him in a facility as soon as possible. The stress level is over the top especially for me. I am one year from a triple bypass heart surgery. Does anyone have any ideas for us until he can get placed in a facility?

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My maternal grandfather (so i was told; I only saw him a few times a year) got progressively worse at this till the end and now my mom is getting the same way. Neither did at all prior to their mental decline. I can't offer anything to help, other than my observation is it's part of the standard playbook.

Roger
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Yes, it is. No, you can't change his behavior but you can adjust how you react to him and his outbursts.

Here's a helpful article right from this forum:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-and-undesirable-behavior-changes-how-do-i-handle-dads-profanity-112079.htm
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Placement can be beneficial for all 3 of you. Your FIL will have more stimulation in his environment, and caregivers have an easier ability to 'tune out' the words when the person is not someone that they had a relationship with. For families, this sort of behavior is hard to live with..even though the brain knows that the language is due to the disease, those cusses still sting.
Placement does not mean you are abandoning him, but that you are no longer the first responder and 24 hour care giver. It does mean that you and your spouse get to have privacy, and conversations without his 'contributions.' You still have a role in his care, visiting and keeping track of his well-being, providing clothes, etc.
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Obviously, your FIL stimulation arises when he eats. When he finishes a meal, fun is over for him. Memory care would be a great place for him. They have activities and socialization for him AMF perhaps there will be less cussing. Also remember that he's losing his filters. It won't just be cussing. There will be other things as well.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
Nice and cordial when he wants something or when it's time to eat. Then the minute he gets what he wants or is done eating, the cussing and nasty behavior starts right back up.
His dementia is not so far gone yet that he's lost the ability to control himself because he is controlling himself for things that he wants and meals. They need to put him in his place.
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My soft spoken Gpa began to cuss when he got far along in his dementia road. It was so unnerving for Gma, because I know he never swore.

There's no rules or rhyme or reason to why people do what they do as their brains slowly deteriorate.

I'm only 65 and not a 'potty mouth' by any stretch of the imagination...but as I have aged and gone through a few pretty rough life challenges, I find my language is not as 'clean' as I should have it. Am I losing it? Nope, not really, but I'm tired and sometimes a good swear word is the 'right' word. No excuse, just that I notice that I am often too tired to use 'pretty words', esp when I am super tired or frustrated. My filter is lifting, and I know it. Think of all the people whose filters are GONE.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2022
I’m with you on this one. My potty mouth comes out when I’m anxious or dealing with mom. Her dr asked her if she was having any memory problems and she turned around and looked at me wth pure venom and said” I’m not the one with memory problems, you are. I have an appointment with the dr in 2 wks and trust me we will b having a conversation about this and some of her other issues. We live in the same apartment complex but not together. Neither one of us could do that. Lol. Liz
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Oh boy, yes. My mother swore like a sailor when she developed dementia, and she'd flip off my poor dad, too. The worst profanity I'd ever heard from either of them before that was "hell."
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You cannot change him, so you will have to change you.

He is unable to change what he does.

He will continue to cuss because he has no awareness or control over what he says.

His son must understand that he and his father have reversed roles- dad is now the child and he, his son, is now the parent.

Think of dad as the naughty child. Just that image alone may be helpful to you.

Take good care of yourself and your husband, and move forward as quickly as you can with placing this unfortunate man.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
AnnReid,

Yes, the FIL does have control and awareness over what he says.
The OP states that he is perfectly nice and cordial when he wants or needs something or when it's time to eat. The moment he gets what he wants or needs or the meal is finished, he starts up with the swearing and bad behavior.
He can control himself because he is controlling himeself when it's meal times or he wants something.
The OP and her husband need to stop enabling his terrib;e behavior.
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My FIL does a lot if he is mad. He is the only real experience I have but I can say I have noticed in his memory care if there is any kind of tiff the language gets foul fast. So I would say probably normal. That does not mean you have to tolerate it, IMO. If Dad starts being abuse we just say ok we understand you are unhappy but we are not interested in joining in, we will call you_____ tomorrow or Tuesday or whatever, and maybe you will be ready to talk with us. I Know what is happening is not his fault and I can tolerate to point but I refuse to become his victim of abuse at the same time. I wish I had a better solution, and I wish you luck. It hard, it sucks and you need to take care of you too.
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I never once heard my dad utter a swear word growing up. I was totally shocked back in 2015 when he started swearing. Yep, social filter got progressively worse as the years went on.
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If your FIL is capable of behaving nice and cordial as you say when he wants something or when eating, then the minute he gets it or is done eating the swearing and cussing begins this means he has control of himself. It's not the dementia talking.
He can control his behavior and while he lives in your house DEMAND that he do so. When he starts up with the cussing, give it right back to him. Tell him that if he's going to behave badly with the cussing and swearing to you and your family from dusk to dawn, he's going to be going very hungry. Many people have been sent to bed without supper for bad behavior when they were kids myself included, and that can be extended to senior brats as well. Your FIL has control of himself if he can be nice and cordial when he wants something or when it's time to eat. See how well he does with no supper tonight. Put locks on your cupboards and your fridge too. He'll knock off the overpowering controlling behavior and the cussing. Hunger tends to put a person to minding their manners.
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imavent41 May 2022
I find this answer unhelpful and uncaring. Caring for someone with dementia is not a battle for control, even though it seems like that at times. Nor is it the time to dust off strict child-rearing techniques, even though the LO's behavior is childish. Her FIL has no control over his brain or brain activity, & both will deteriorate. They are not professionals, & theirs is not a clinical environment. They are looking for suggestions to deal with his behavior until they can get him into a facility. Telling family members to withhold food to put him in his place, as you said in another comment, is confrontational & not a worthwhile goal.
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