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I’m just about at my wits end with her. She was a raging parent while I was growing up but now has refined her skills to a passive aggressive blaming me, super negative emotional drain. She is in assisted living , other than calling her three times a week I take her to her numerous doctors appointments. She is drawing the joy from my life and dumps on me every time I call. I don’t respond much except to say “ oh, that’s too bad , or just change the subject but that becomes about her too”. She saps the joy from everything but can charm others . My sister and I diagnosed her as a narcissist- but we are not psychiatrists. One example is that she asked me what I was doing for my birthday ( shocking) in a weird unusually sweet voice- I told her we are going to the fair because I want to see the baby pigs and vegetable gardens”. Her response “ Its going to be miserably hot I went to the fair once and I’ll never go again, nothing there is interesting!” I just said “ well I love seeing the farm animals and I’ll take my umbrella for shade.” Anyway, she is 92 and has arthritis, high blood pressure ( requires constant monitoring) and kidney disease. The women in her family live well into their hundreds. She is on 9 medications , do you think the doctor can sneak another one in there. Lol

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Not unless you grind it up and sneak it into her food or something! If she's anything like my mother was, she'd have an eagle eye on each one of her pills and spy the new one immediately, insisting on knowing what it was! Then she'd demand a pamphlet with black box warnings and be screaming bloody murder for the next year at least, calling you horrid names and cussing out her doctor like a dawg.

No. I don't think your mother's doctor can prescribe antidepressants for your other w/o her knowing.
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Yeah that is what I figured.
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My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia but still knew her pills. One day she told me, "not taking that one anymore". It was her iron pill that caused constipation. I asked her doctor if she could drop it, he said no.

How is Mom with the staff? If they have no problems with Mom, then its you.😂 She just wan't to aggravate you. Don't let her. This is who she is, just ignore. When you have had enough, leave. Be glad she is not living with you.
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My mom knew exactly what pills were prescribed and what they were for.

If your mom is aware of what pills she takes, I doubt that you could get away with sneaking in a new pill.
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Well one rolled her eyes at her behind her back once. She can be charming if she wants to, but behind their backs is racist and fatphobic. Her Doctor has had it with her so she wants a new doctor. She only ones down to eat once a day because the food “isn’t appropriate for old people. “.
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Hi Sorrynotsorry - if your mother can appear charming to others, then it seems like she just saves up her bad behavior for you and your sister - how nice of her. If that's the way she is, then even an antidepressant may not help. You'd be probably better off keeping the calls short and change your mindset going into the call - she is who she is and it's probably better to just mentally detach yourself from whatever she says - it'll empower you not to get affected by her words.

And feel thankful that you can just hang up the phone.
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My MIL was on AD's for years. Out of the blue, about 25 years ago she stopped taking them, cold turkey.

Not pleasant for anyone.

She NEEDED them. She decided she 'wasn't that kind of person' and refused any 'psycho drugs'.

She NEEDS them now, but the only thing they can get down her is Xanax, so at least there's that.

And no, a Dr won't prescribe something for someone, no matter their state of mind without counseling them about it.
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It's good that she is in an assisted living facility and you don't have day-to-day responsibility for her care. Seek caregiver therapy for yourself so that you can get tips on how to prevent her "from getting under your skin." Take care of yourself, and remember that it is not necessary to share everything you do with her.
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You're not required to talk to her on the phone.
You're not required to visit her.
You're not required to read her emails or her texts.

Just because somebody is family does not mean they have to be in your life. Life is too short for that crap.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
I love your answer! Some people are truly unbearable to be around.

There are alternative solutions for these people. They do not have to continually rely on their family members.

You’re right. Life is too short to endure crap!
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It is absolutely possible, and legal….here is one example of how.

Go to one of her primary doctors appointments with her (Doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist)- and after she checks in, go back up to the counter and tell the clerk you need to talk to the nurse privately. Explain your mother’s behavior and concern for her depression and explosive behavior (if she is a narcissist, there usually is explosive behavior). The doctor can assess her and your concerns for her emotional health and prescribe her an antidepressant or and antipsychotic ~Doctors are very aware of elders sometimes difficult personalities and are very interested in helping smooth the relationships between caregivers, family and the subject. One nurse told me, “One patients daughter told me thank you for prescribing my mother a SSRI and giving me the best year of our lives together.”

I do have Guardianship over my mother, so you might have to obtain that first. My mother is very savvy about her meds and refuses to take any anti- whatever medication ~ so I have a doctors note giving me permission to crush (make sure not a time released medication) her Seraquil and put it in a nice decaffeinated vanilla latte that she enjoys (I enjoy watching her drink it even more!) every evening!

She will be moving into assisted living in a few months and the director there has been given the letter of permission and is happy to continue the evening ritual.

A long road to get guardianship- but if you want your final years to be relaxing for all concerned, including your mom… it’s worth it! My mom actually engages in conversations rather then being argumentative, she told a friend a fee days ago, “I am refusing all medications and I haven’t felt this good in years!, Im sleeping well and am happy about my life and appreciate my daughter’s help with things.” ….. Appreciates me? OMG Ive been waiting 61 years to hear these words. I was joking to my aunt the other day about how I should have been allowed to give these to her when I was 12 ~~ It would have saved me from all the screaming, backhanding and being told I was a worthless piece of S my whole life.

Good luck to you and I hope this post will help you and others who read it!
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Stknthe80s Aug 2023
Going through a guardianship process that began a week ago. Both the main question and your situation are so so simular to mine. Explosiveness, all med refusal, along with PT and other refusals, and, reading here, she may have been a narcissist all the while!! It really does make sense as 'she knew/knows it all' and even professionals who bak my recommendations up to her are "wrong". I appreciate all of the answers I received here as I never thought things would be this way with my stepmom I care for (she's been in our family for 50+ years, so technically "mom").
I hope to have her placed in either assisted or memory care soon as guardianship is done. I just want to make sure she's safe and cared for because after 4 years, long years, trying....my mental state is 'shakey' at best, now a days.
Ty
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My suggestion to you is to minimize contact with your mother. Most assisted living facilities provide residents with transportation to and from medical appointments. If your mom's facility provides transportation, make arrangements for them to take her and save yourself the grief of being her captive for several hours. Again, minimize contact!
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All facilities have a psychiatrist. He can see her and prescribe pills and the nurse give them.
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Sorrynotsorry: Perhaps adding a medication for your mother without her knowledge is not a good idea. She could be laser focused on what pills she takes. Limit your time spent with her as you're at your wits end.
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Wendsong Aug 2023
I have to disagree. I think cruzinup is right on. My 75 yo mother with dementia was taking HRT and thought it was an "energy" pill. I don't know how, why or where she was getting them, because she was under the care of my sister. For the few weeks she was with me, I was able to remove the pill from the group without her noticing, with the agreement of a local doctor. If it's for the best and with the doctor's blessing, controlling medication is one of the responsibilities of any caretaker, once the patient no longer has the capacity. How many times have people on this site recommended "lying/obviating" in order to manipulate/control situations which would otherwise be unmanageable? Perhaps a (sub-rosa) medication makes time spent with a LO more enjoyable, rather than abandonment/save yourself as an alternative.
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Maybe there should be prescriptions for Unpleansant Person Syndrome.
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