My husband is not handling his mom having dementia well and it seems as though every time he goes to see her at MC he gets more depressed about her being in that state. I have to try and patch him up every time he come back home. He has not been the same since her diagnosis. I don’t want to seem dismissive about his feelings but it just makes me want to say okay now this is life so suck it up. I care about my mom who is also in a bad mental state and my MIL as well but I can’t let this control my life. I feel like he has made her his everything when he has a whole wife and a son to love and take care of. He has even taken a leave of absence. I don’t want to sound selfish but I took care of his mom for a whole year until it became to much for me to have to lift her. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
It's progressive. Personality, mobility & memory will keep changing & decline.
It sucks. Big time.
He is also dealing with the reality of the MC environmwnt. Sad, very sad at times.. but also practical, needed but joyful at times too!
He will grieve. Which they say washes over in waves. Some days small, some days a wipe us out.
He will need to find his feet in this ocean. Swim when he can. Float when he can't. Look for joy in the small details of every day ✨️
I've decided to make a playlist, from blue to soothing to interesting to upbeat banger to play on the way home. 30 mins drive time to sing the 'old age sucks' blues off.
You're not wrong to feel as you do, nor is dh wrong to feel anguished as he does. I hope some antidepressants help him along with therapy and a support group.
Best of luck.
Lealonnie1
1:40pm MST
July 26, 2023
Consider seeking therapeutic support for yourself to help you through this difficult phase in your marriage.
How can you best deal with the conflict with your husband? He should respect your wishes. Start thinking about that, and good luck.
What did he do during his leave of absence? I hope you let him experience the full measure of attending her.
He may need a shrink.
He may be worried about his own mortality as well as the possibility of going down the same route as his mom.
He would get a lot of help from a support group. He can attend some via Zoom.
When his comes home get a bubble bath ready for him with a beer or wine and music. Tell him you are his oasis and your glad he's home. Give him a back rub, and just say you understand.
Other than being supportive of him, what else can you do for him?
He has to find a way to resolve this issue for himself. He has the choice to reach out to others and consider their input or act according to his own preferences.
It’s difficult for a spouse to watch their mate suffer. If you need to discuss your situation further, continue to chat on here and schedule time for therapy.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
Also, many are mama's boys, that mix is very difficult to deal with.
Taking a leave of absence makes everything worse because all he has to do is think about her and her issue.
Maybe you can convince him to go back to work that would be a step in the right direction.
Aside from that therapy is the only thing I can think of to help him stop this downward spiral, if he doesn't get this under control when she dies he will really go downhill.
Interesting points. Men are fixers by nature.
Some are momma’s boys for sure. I feel the mother encourages them to feel this way.
My MIL raised three independent sons, precisely because her husband was a momma’s boy. She worked diligently to deprogram her husband and she succeeded!
I often thanked my MIL for raising a son to respect his wife.
When my MIL was going through her cancer treatments, my husband would donate platelets for her.
He loved his mom dearly but she would have never allowed him to neglect me or our daughter who was only five years old when she died. She didn’t expect any of us to sacrifice our entire lives for her.
People like to paint a pretty picture of MC, but for the most visits are just a constant reminder as to what is going to come. At home they may have their moments and since it sounded like you did the care it may have allowed him to feign a false sense things are okay when they are nit.
MC is often not nice, but it is nesscary. He will be depressed, try not to push the issue. If you push you may become the ire of his depression. Do not force him to go into therapy unless he wants to, and don't try to fix him. What he is feeling is real and valid.
I say this as a person that had to place their mom well before I wanted but I know I had to.
You cared for his mother for a year. That was amazing of you.
You write: "he has a wife and son to love and take care of."
Do you and/or your son have specific care needs that are not being met during this difficult time? Can any of those needs be met in other ways? (If your son is teenaged, maybe his needs are not as great as you imagine? This is generally an age when, for good or ill, peers displace parental companionship.)
Maybe reconnect with friends, or sign up for therapy if your husband was previously the person to whom you turned to talk through problems and that sort of thing?
On the bright side, your husband sounds like a very caring person.
Unless your husband's leave of absence is impoverishing the family, maybe support that decision? There is more to life than work (and most jobs are pointless--something one feels deeply during difficult times).
Good luck and take care.
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