Lately my father has been saying things like “ No one wants to have old people hanging around”
”It will be a welcome release for you both (my husband and me) when I’m gone”
Does this mean that he wants to be dead?
I mentioned this to my sister who came to visit recently and she told me that she wondered if our Dad’s cognitive decline is real and asked me if I thought that also. To be honest, I do think he is declining. Our Dad was pretty volatile during our childhood but now he is the complete opposite in nature. I don’t know what to think
I say this because I too grew up in a house with a volatile and abusive parent. She is old now and I'm an adult. Not the scared little kid hiding in the back of the house silently crying and praying no one sees. If my mother saw tears, the bullying and berating increased a tenfold. Especially if it made her feel embarrassment or some shame over her own behavior.
She has some heath problems now and needs help and so has a different angle. Now it's the elder pity party. Now it's the learned helplessness because she wants to babied and treated like an infant. Unless she wants to fight. Then the belittling, mimicking, instigating and snide comments start.
I get this daily the 'no one wants old people hanging around'. My response is that most people usually have good reasons for why they don't. Also, no one wants miserable a$$holes of any age around who cause trouble and spread their negativity around like a plague.
I also get the 'everyone will be relieved when I'm gone' usually several times daily. My mother also has been the guest of honor at the pity party and actively dying since I was a little kid. She loves people feeling sorry for her and was always particularly snide and nasty to the ones that didn't.
Your father is very likely trying to manipulate you and your husband because now he's old and needy. Much like my mother, he wants you to feel sorry for him. He doesn't want you and your husband to HELP him stay independent. No. He wants the two of you to make his neediness and demands the center of your lives.
The pity party and negativity are manipulation.
Your father may very well have some dementia. He may also be putting on attention-seeking 'performances' like my mother.
There are certain things to look for. Does he keep up on his hygiene? Does he complain that people are stealing from him and other completely asinine nonsense? I find this behavior is usually dementia-related.
Does he still manage his own business? Pay his bills himself? Still drive a car? Does he have friends or see people? Then it's probably not dementia but plain, old attention-seeking.
Help him by getting him a caregiver/companion. Someone who will help around the house but who will also take him out.
Don't help your father become an invalid. Sometimes you have to give a person tough love. Not playing into the pity party and making someone do for themselves where they can is love. It might seem a bit harsh and cold. Making a person maintain any level of independence is the most important thing.
I was the only onw who took it seriously and it screwed me up, big time.
FINALLY-with some therapy and deep thinking, I realized how unhealthy this was. She never did a single thing to hurt herself and never meant to.
Now she talks about dying all the time and we really just ignore her. She's 92, in poor health and almost completely immobile. Life is not joyous or fun for her. I don't think it ever was.
Is she depressed? IDK. Was she when we were kids? Without question!
She voices the point that she wishes she could 'just go and be done with it' all the while being 100% compliant with all drs orders and keeping her diabetes and cholesterol under control. She won't walk unless she absolutely has to, and wants to be in a wheelchair, but that would put her in a NH and she doesn't want THAT.
It could be manipulation, or it could be just talk. We all think about our EOL's, some people obsess about it. "Threatening" suicide is often just a ploy for attention, but do pay attention to it. It could mean a low level of depression that an AD could help with.
My Mom wants us to beg her to live forever. She's used that suicide line for over 60 years and it hasn't worked yet. We all know she's just yapping for attention.
(sorry, I sound so cold, but it is still something that frustrates me!)
I told her good luck with that because she sure ain't getting this from me and that if she is invalid then I will place her in a car facility. I will never help a person become an invalid.
I'm the only one among my siblings who took her threats to heart and the main one of us kids who took the brunt of her abuse too. It did a number on me.
I pretty much ignore her when she starts up with the nonsense.
She's been ill this week with a cold and was lamenting just yesterday that she knows how little her kids think of her. I asked her whose fault that was if both of us are indifferent.
My mother wants the same things as yours. For us to beg her to live forever and for one of us to be right by her side 24/7 to calm her down when she works herself up into a hyperventilating panic attack. In this life no one should expect to get from others what they were not willing to give themselves.
She's talked herself into thinking she was this selfless mother whose life was about her kids, but she wasn't that.
It is what it is.
My mother used the manipulation card 100% by threatening to kill herself all the time, having no intention whatsoever of actually doing so. She was 'throwing herself out the window' or 'running out into traffic', or 'looking for a gun to shoot myself with', whatever dramatic line she could conjure up to get the biggest reaction out of me with. That was her M.O.: to get a rise out of ME. When I was a kid she'd screech off of the driveway in the family car 'to go kill herself' while burning rubber down the street. Yeah, no. She lived to 95. I wound up telling her that she lived on the first floor of the ALF so throwing herself out the window wouldn't work ma, gotta climb up to the ROOF to get 'er done.
I don't know if your dad is suffering from 'cognitive decline' as much as he's ruminating on his life right now. Realizing that he's a burden to you and your husband and an intrusion on your life. Which is true. That doesn't necessarily mean you don't want him, however, just that he may be making a realization that he's a burden to you. In my opinion, unless he's being overly dramatic and flinging out silly comments like "I'll bet you'll have a PARTY when I'm dead and PUT OUT THE FLAG", then he's just having a moment of clarity in his life. Sure, maybe his health is declining with age, but that doesn't automatically mean he's suffering from 'dementia or cognitive decline' either. We humans can have moments of introspective clarity w/o being demented!!!
Best of luck to you!
Don't overthink this, let it go.
There is nothing you can say to him but try to make it a joke and say of your husband "Gee, there's times I wish I could get rid of Ernie, too, but doesn't mean I don't care about him!". Or tell him "Dad, we care about you. It hurts us to think you feel unwanted. This is where we are, and we are OK."
As my brother said of his ALF "It's a bit like being in the Army. I didn't like it, but I made the best of it". And he DID.
If this is "manipulation" it's only saying "I see how hard this must be for you."
Wishing you all the best.
"Only the good lord know when he's going to call me home"
"I know everyone will be happy when I'm dead"
"Don't wish me dead yet"
" I know you want me to die".
I don't think your dad wants to be dead I just think he's expressing that he feels useless etc.
I will be 50 years old this year.
I have been a caregiver for many elderly people. When any one of them started up with:
'I'm useless'.
'Everyone will be happy when I'm dead'.
'I don't want to be a burden'.
I always told them all the same thing.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you don't want to be useless, make yourself useful. Stop complaining. Stop ruining your family's life with your misery and negativity. This is what they want more than anything else. Be a good listener. This is very useful to others.
No one will be happy when you're dead. They will be relieved you are out of your misery.
If you don't want to be a burden, don't be one. Accept the help you are offered and be grateful for it. Don't expect and demand that your family member make your needs and demands the center of their lives then hate and resent them when they don't.
I've said this to many elderly people. Their reaction is usally shocked silence. That's when you know they understand.