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I moved back home from 1500 miles away to be my mom's caregiver. I gave up my life to help her. I didn't know that she would need me to live in, take care of her, her ill mannered dogs, her drunk husband, her home and literally EVERYTHING. None of this was explained to me when we talked about this. As a mother, she was great until I was 13. She pretty well forgot about me and my infant sister to cheat on my dad with the alcoholic she is married to now. I raised my sister into her teens when she moved in with our mom because mom's was the party house. Long story short, my relationship with my mom has been strained, to put it mildly, for 40 years. My sister passed away 12 years ago and I'm the only child left. Once I moved here, I found out my mom can't afford her house without me. I feel like the only reason she wanted me here was so I can yet again be the "adult" and take care of things. She has a host of issues, medical and emotional. I'm not really sure what she actually has wrong with her and what she imagines is wrong. She is a hoarder and now has resorted to acting like a child. I do know she does not have dementia, I have spoken with a couple of her many doctors. I moved out at the age of 16 with my baby sister and haven't lived with a parent since. Moving back is really bringing up unresolved issues with my mom. I distanced myself so many years ago after making multiple attempts to repair my relationship with her and her refusing to admit she had done anything to hurt me. She managed to somehow end up the victim in everything, so I just gave up and put miles between us. Now I'm back at her request and she is doing exactly what she has always done to me, handing me all the responsibility. To add to everything, she hasn't once shown me any respect or appreciation for giving up a great job, a great apartment and an active life for her. If I get upset about her drunk husband, she gets mad a me for being a "bitch," her words. Does it get any better than this? It's been 3 months and I still hate it here.

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You made a bad choice. Leave.

Your mother is 69 (relatively young), does not have dementia, and does have a spouse. There is nothing you can fix with these two adults. Their choices, good or bad, are their right, and are theirs and theirs alone.
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I think you know that it’s not getting better. It never was good to begin with. This is not a phase. It’s not your problem that your mom and her alcoholic husband can’t afford their house. I would plan to move 1500 miles back to where you left your life and never look back.
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Your decision to move back can't possibly have been at her simple request.

'Never mind the last 40 years, pack up your life and come move in with me."
"Oh, okay mom, if that's what you'd like."

I don't think so.

So why'd you do it? What did you think you were heading into when she and you talked about the plan? And what's stopping you doing a handbrake turn straight back to your good job, your nice apartment and your nice life?
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TiMarie Nov 2021
I'm pretty sure I decided to do it to try to patch things up before she's gone. I have very little family left and was hoping to make connections again. There were a lot of things she lied about leading me to believe things were more dire than they were. She lied about her medical conditions but the big lie was that her husband was out of the home. Then as I'm driving the uhaul truck across the country, he conveniently moved back in. She waited until I was here to drop that bomb on me. On a more positive note, I'm house hunting and think moving out is the healthiest option for me.
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No, sadly it will not get any better, and the sooner you make plans to go back to your life and home 1500 away the better off you will be. Your mom and her husband are NOT your responsibility. You owe them NOTHING!!! But you do owe yourself a life of peace and joy, and you will never have that while living with them.
While you are there and enabling them, things will never change, so make plans now to move back home, and let your mom and husband figure things out on their own. And if necessary you can contact Adult Protective Services(APS)to report vulnerable adults living at your moms address, and they will investigate things and take it from there.
And perhaps you may want to get yourself into some therapy to understand why you feel that you're responsible for any of this, and to make peace with making yourself a priority. Best wishes.
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At 69, with no dx of dementia (just a rotten personality, sorry) she DOES NOT require 24/7 care.

Sadly, you walked right back into a situation that you had effectively escaped. The addition of the alcoholic husband would be the tipping point for me, as you are probably doing a LOT of stuff for him.

I think, you better escape again.

It was nice of you to come and 'save' mom. Now save YOURSELF, pack and leave. No way you can make that pleasant, just leave.
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Do you think that you are responsible to fix mom's life?

You're not.

Move out and let mom sort her own life.
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You tried - and you had honorable and the best of intentions...and fortunately, you've only invested 3 months - imagine if it were 3 years or even more! Your mother and her drunken husband would just be pulling you farther down with them. Staying would only enable her and you would become enmeshed in their lives and lose you own.

This is a big awakening because you had given up a great job and apartment, etc...but the good part is, not that much time has been lost and you can still regain it all. And that's what you really should spend time on. Explain to your mother that your time there is limited and you'll be shortly returning to where you came from. Spend the time researching and doing what you can to get back where you belong and take steps. Give yourself a time frame of how long you'll need in order to exit. Since your mother is a hoarder, bring in a cleaning service to clean the place up...give the drunken husband a list of Alcoholic Anonymous meetings in the area... and bid farewell !
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Get a new job/your old job back and go back home.

ASAP
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I want you to listen to what I’m about to say, and take every single word to heart. If I were in your shoes, this is what I’d want you to tell me.

Your life is what you make it. You are the master of your own destiny. If you were to die tomorrow, are you satisfied with how your life went? What would you change if you were able to get that second chance?

’Cause your second chance is right now. This is it. Your one shot at this life.

Make the most of it. It’ll never come again.
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TiMarie Nov 2021
Thank you. I'm currently house hunting and will try caregiving with a set schedule and a time limit. If that doesn't work, I'll find another job. I'm also seeking out counseling to get myself back on track and healthy again.
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Get out ASAP before she develops dementia or breaks an ankle, hip or anything else that could trigger your impulse to help her. She obviously does not deserve your good nature but will ruin your life and future faster than you think.
My mother has been treating me only half as bad as you describe your mother treating you, and it is still hell. Please save yourself before you're trapped.

You sound like a really good person. Unfortunately it is always good persons that get destroyed by egomaniacs. There is no other way to protect yourself but getting out. Believe me.
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Hopeforhelp22 Nov 2021
Such great advice, UnKraut
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