A year ago my dad, 80, was diagnosed with rectal cancer. I have lived with my dad for years. I broke my back in 2015, had surgery in 2016, but am in effect partially disabled. I haven't worked since 2013.
So I have a lot to deal with anyway. I feel useless and that my life has no meaning. But my mom wanted me to take care of dad when she died in 2008, and I was fully prepared to do this.
But last year was very tough. In addition to taking him to doctors appointments, cooking meals, scheduling appointments, and making sure he's taken care of, we had a couple of financial disasters. The worry and anxiety just built and built.
My father's cancer is gone, but we have to remain vigilant. But I realize that this is it for me. I'll be doing this for the rest of his life. And then what? I have no idea what will become of me.
For about 6 months I could feel this creeping hatred/resentment set in. When his cancer disappeared I was happy, and I cried a little, but there was an emptiness in me. Now I'm at the point where even though he's fine I have hatred toward him, and I find no joy or pleasure in anything.
Is this burnout? Did I overdo it over the past year? Did I worry too much? Or am I being selfish? One thing I've discovered is that, as a guy with an anxiety disorder, OCD, I am not a good caregiver. I mean..I did fine but mentally it's been hell.
I feel trapped even though logically I know I shouldn't feel depression, anger, resentment.
Has anyone been in anything close to this?
There are threads on this forum where you can talk about other things. One is My Whine Moment and another is On My Mind. Maybe you should try these threads.
People are responding with possible solutions because they care about your well being.
No one is intentionally trying to upset you. I understand that when you’re at your wits end that it can be difficult and overwhelming for you to read the various responses.
None of us have walked in your shoes and we can’t possibly understand what you’re going through. We do empathize with your situation though. Please know that you are welcome to continue to share how you feel.
Many of us have found comfort on this site. I wish you the very best and truly hope that you will find relief from all of the frustration and pain that you are experiencing.
You sound completely exhausted, physically and emotionally.
Have you ever considered being an in patient resident of a psychiatric hospital?
I’m not trying to insult you in any way. It’s just that I know a couple of people who benefited greatly from in patient care.
One person I know, didn’t have a choice in going to a psychiatric facility. She’s a single mother of a son with special needs. This young man can never be left alone. He’s extremely combative and abuses his mom. She became so distraught that she attempted suicide. She did improve after her stay in the mental hospital.
My other friend who was helped by in patient care actually voluntarily entered a facility. He is a Vietnam veteran. He stayed in for two years and I am happy to say is doing well now. He’s back to playing music and every time I see him playing on stage I am so happy for him that he’s able to cope again.
No one knows what goes on in people’s private lives. It sounds like you have been to hell and back more than a few times.
My only intention is to try in some small way to help. If you feel like my suggestion isn’t feasible. I completely understand. All I know is that others have found a way to seek out help for themselves. I hope that you will find a way too.
I am done with this site. Those who were friendly and offered an ear to let me vent, thank you.
No, the people here can't be expected to understand you entirely for a few reasons.
None of us here know you personally. None of us knows all that much about your situation. None of us here are psychiatrists.
It would be in your best interests to start to see a mental health professional.
Have you ever been to one? Do you have an actual professional diagnosis from a doctor that you have the conditions you state here? Or have you diagnosed yourself?
Please do what BarbBrooklyn suggests and call the 988 number. Granted, most of the time these kinds of services are useless, but they can put you on the right track to get in touch with the right people who can help you.
No one here insulting you in any way. You need professional help and this is not the place to get it.
There is a difference between venting your frustrations about being a caregiver to other caregivers and ranting and raving about your mental conditions which no one here can treat you for no matter how much someone here may claim to know about such conditions.
You have value and your life has value. Go to your local hospital ER and tell them your conditions and that you want help and treatment. Someone will see you. That's at least a step in the right direction.
Everything you listed about yourself healthwise is a legit disability, I think, under Social Security Disability. I have been thru the process with my Nephew who was born disabled.
You first apply, get turned down, then get a SS Lawyer. The lawyer is paid from the retro moneys you receive, it was 25% may have gone up. Retro is from the time you apply and the time you receive it. So if it takes a year, and you win, you are paid from the date of application to the time ur approved. This is one lump sum with the lawyers fees deducted then payment is received once a month. Your age is a plus now.
I had to provide every doctor record on my nephew. For you, you need paperwork for your back from a doctor. Maybe see a Physical Therapist to document that you can't stand for any length of time (a problem my nephew has plus can't lift over 25 lbs). A doctor to document your OCD and anxiety. I did a lot of work for the initial application and still needed that lawyer which I was told thats how it works.
Since u have applied for SSD twice, now its time to find a lawyer that is versed in SS law. Let him tell you what you need to win your case. You have more than one disability here. You have Medicaid, just need to try and use doctors who except it. I went to my State Disabilities dept and they had nephew tested to see what he was capable of doing and they paid for it. Once you get disability, u can work as long as you stay under the cap set, which was 14k when nephew received SSD I think its 17k now. That would be a nice p/t job.
You are very articulate. Have you thought of writing? Maybe start with articles. You mentioned that you enjoyed doing finances. You might look at developing your skills in that area. I have an grandson with Asperger's who did very well at night auditing. Just some ideas. There are many courses online and even some free ones.
My grandson used to take free courses from Harvard. https://www.edx.org/school/harvardx.
Courses from Harvard, even free, look good on an resume.
Please don't be down on yourself. You have been going through very many difficulties and have managed to look after your father well. Now you have come here looking for support and you are looking ahead for the time when he will be gone and you will be on your own. That's all good.
Are you exploring other websites that could help you more with regards to obtaining work, requalification, disability/mental health benefits and resources etc.? I suspect you are. Dig deep.
I agree with Hope - you have marketable skills. It's a matter of finding a fit. I taught at university and college for many years. We had students with a variety of strengths and weaknesses, some of whom had a lot of personal difficulties. You are not alone in that. You can still succeed.
Finally, take what is useful for you from what everyone writes and discard the rest. We do care.
Oh, and I have been meaning to say this, "You are NOT evil."
But my plans usually go up in smoke. With my mental issues at the moment this is the last thing I needed. If I owned the house and had dad's money it would've been done already. I saw this coming last year. But I don't.
And it's wrong to get dad stressed about this, but this is his house. He has to do this. I can't.
I can't even focus on working at the moment. This house thing is really pissing me off and ruining what's left of my brain.
I'm not that smart. But if I had the money I would get things done.
So, on top of everything , on top of the last year of trauma for both of us, we have to move.
It never ends. This living hell never ends.
Look it up. You are physically and emotionally exhausted!
You aren’t able to think clearly in this state of mind. No one can.
Please see if NAMI is available in your area and give them a call. One more thing, my brother spoke with therapists within the NAMI network.
Even though my brother had legitimate physical issues that prevented him from working. His lawyer advised him to seek disability due to mental issues. That’s how he ended up receiving his disability benefits.
I can understand the resentment if you have no potential for an income (due to disability)
How you feel is how you feel. Someone even with the same circumstances may feel differently. You have every right to feel depression, anger, resentment. and I am even going to toss in some anxiety (wondering, waiting if the cancer will return) some relief (that the cancer is in remission).
You have had a lot going on.
You may be burned out with caregiving but there is a lot of other "stuff" going on and maybe talking to a therapist might help sort some of this out.
And I will add that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. Some people are much better care managers. Caregiving for a time is fine but no one can do it 24/7/365 without help.
Oh, and you are not evil.
And Burnt I disagree about the jobs. OP is going to be in dire straits once dad passes because he has NO money coming in under his name. How much harder will it be for him to get a job 10 or more years from now if at 47 he can't get hired? Not to mention a very short work history will mean limited social security if any depending on his past number of years gainfully employed.
Based on OPs latest comment he needs to see a thetapist. If he is uninsured he can get obamacare with zero cost to him or Medicaid to pay for these visits.
It is a very complicated situation especially with the added information OP shared and not likely to be resolved on this board or by any of us.
OP is in the ocean throwing water and i am trying to throw him a life jacket here. He needs to stop focusing on dad and start focusing on himself. It is imperative.
I will look into disability again through legal aid. Thank you.
All your comments were in good faith and from experience. Thank you for taking time to respond.
I realize that you have OCD and I know that you are struggling to cope. Your feelings are justified.
I do think that you are selling yourself short though. We see many people on this forum falling apart long before a year.
A year is a long time to care for someone! It’s a huge sacrifice. Please do not feel as if you are lacking in any way or that others could have handled this situation better.
Please don’t give up on receiving disability. The majority of people do not get it the first or even the second time they apply.
My oldest brother (now deceased) was in a horrific accident. He almost died and had several legitimate injuries that prevented him from ever being able to work again.
My brother hired a lawyer to help him because he had been denied disability. He finally received it. It isn’t a lot of money but it certainly helps a person stay afloat.
I know that you would rather be working instead of receiving disability. Sometimes, it is your only option. This is why these safety nets were put into place for those in need.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult situation.
It doesn't sound like dad has any real assets for OP to inherit. The house is hoarded and in poor shape needing at least 50K in repairs.
OP and dad need their combined pension, SS (from dad) and I am assuming OP gets disability payments. Once dad dies 2 sources of income are gone leaving just OPs income.
Has the OP talked with dad about what his life will be like once OP passes.
Does dad care about how OP will survive? Is dad willing to make adjustments in his current lifestyle to give OP a chance at being able to support himself once dad passes? This includes selling the house he cant afford to make proper repairs on.
This is important because if dad only cares about himself and what he wants then OP will need to.nake sone hard devisions regarding taking care of dad. He may have to move to a location where he can find employment or closer to health services and resources.
Now, he has a good pension, this is true. But we have intractable financial issues. For example. Last year, and without a vote, the county put in a sewer system where we live. You have to be on it or be fined. It's "for the environment". It will cost 20,000 dollars to hook up to the sewer. And it will cost another 20,000 to fix our old broken pipes/bathroom. So 40,000 dollars because a bunch of fat environmentalists decided that everyone needed to get rid of their septic tanks.
He has worried about what's going to happen to me. But frankly, that's not his concern. It is mine.
Anyway, I have to take this one day at a time. I just have to.
My husband was able to get back into the workforce at the age of 59 after being unemployed for 3 years during the Great Recession.
If not Good Temps, then another temp agency. You need a track record.
Don't let your past experiences be a deterrent to looking for new opportunities.
Also, please read this:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
I didn't suggest that you move - but you CAN work remotely for a company located anywhere globally, and you can work from home - and there are numerous job seeking sites that specialize in remote work (you can google the sites). You need to focus on your positive strengths - the fact that you've accomplished care giving roles for the past number of years - from the administrative to the financial aspects - to the hands-on care. That's really important and these skills can be utilized. Rather than leave a 10yr gap on your resume, you should detail this as an actual position - and anything else you've accomplished during this time. It's how you present this in an interview - it's very honorable what you've accomplished and I hope you see it as that.
You need to "shift" your attitude and way of thinking. Act "as if" you are confident and enthusiastically approaching your next role. You're bringing in more experience than someone less senior and there are companies that will value that. And yes, companies like Amazon hire remotely for positions like customer service/support - and I know others who've had life changes and time gaps in their resumes and it wasn't an obstacle being hired there.
I've "walked the walk" - I'm not giving you any advice that I haven't followed myself during my own hard times. I don't know anyone who hasn't had to pick themselves up after some type of challenge or hardship. It's not always easier for women regarding employment - it's still pretty much a "man's world."
- expand your resume, as I had mentioned
- re-frame what you're saying in an interview and your mindset of negatives (fake it til you make it)
- try to seek out job sites for remote jobs
truly wishing you all the best - you'll get there
Promises we make to people before they die about what we will do AFTER they die are for their comfort and not always possible to keep. Life is loaded with broken promises--witness only our divorce rates.
As to guilt, try on the other g-word for a better fit, because you aren't a felon. You aren't a Saint either; you have limitations. You didn't cause this and can't fix it and quilt is therefore off the table. The needed g-word is GRIEF. The words you repeat to yourself in your own head have tremendous power, so choose them very carefully.
You are sad for your Dad, and you scared for yourself when you know you need to make changes you feel uncertain about. Who would not be?
I wish you the best going forward. You aren't alone. I am 81 and can tell you that your Dad isn't alone. He is lucky to have your love.
You were a caregiver for some time and did it well under very difficult circumstances. Your father's illness has been dealt with. He is thriving and that is because of you.
Now it is time for you to accept the credit for doing that and take up a life of your own. Your father's care needs can be met by hired caregivers now.
Sometimes, it can be hard and frightening to venture out and try a different life post caregiving. Even when a caregiver wants out and is resentful and hate caregiving, they remain in it because they feel guilt. It's a settled life though. It's the same drudgery day in and day out, but it's settled and you know it. Breaking away from it can be hard. Not impossible though.
Start with a few hours a week of homecare. Make your father do for himself where he is able to. Then you start going out. Take a class, join a club, anything. You will slowly extract yourself from the role of caregiver and back into the role of being you.
Give yourself the gift of independence and start breaking away.
It won't be easy and you will probably get a lot of resistance from your father and even other family members, but will be worth it.
You are worth it.
Are you on Social Security Disability, if not I would go for it if your not already collecting reg SS. And calling Office of Aging doesn't mean financial help it means finding resources to help you and Dad. You as a disabled person can get help. Your income and Dads are separate. He may not be able to get help because of his income but you maybe able to.
You can help Dad and have a life of your own too. Really 15 years ago when Mom passed he was only 65. He should have been able to do a lot for himself. My DH is 76 and does his own laundry, can fix himself something to eat, maintains the yard, runs the vacuum (no dusting) and golfs as much as he can.
you found a recipe for curing your dad.
That in itself is amazing.!
Please do stay on this site. You may be able to talk or share with someone exactly what and how you helped your dad to heal. You msy be able to give someone else wonderful advice to help them achieve similar results..
not every body will react the same way, but one just might..
you are doing good..
I just wanted to know if I had burnout. I think I do. I didn't need the extra. Thanks.
even when I was a kid.. well, he got liver cancer.. not sure how. Didn’t drink or smoke.. avid tennis player, jogger..
so when it came time to see about the liver cancer treatments. He chose homeopathic treatments after my brother wanted him to try chemo. He tried for a bit.. they put a portacath in him.. so then I couldn’t hug him without hurting him.
Insurance didn’t pay for homeopathic it wasn’t patented or on the sticks or pharmaceuticals category…. He felt that a cancer society wasn’t backing it up.. $200,000. Joe much would the doc get from that? That’s a huge chunk of change.
So many things to think about when our health issues start to surface.
All my geriatrics are gone now. All of them.. I suppose I’m the next geriatric stepping up to the plate.. …
You accomplished so much in all the support you provided for your dad - so I hope that provides some feeling of relief. And the last thing you should feel is selfish - you're actually quite the opposite - you've been very selfless. And you have every right to experience the other feelings you're having, so please don't feel guilty for that or suppress yourself - it's important to work thru that.
If you're feeling resentment or anger for time lost, you can actually use those emotions as a motivator in taking next steps to change and improve your life. It can actually work FOR you. That can be your driving force because you have a lot more life to life and you have the power to make it better. Just taking little steps - day by day.
Due to life situations, many people have taken reprieves from their livelihood for an extended period of time - and can later resume a career. It's understandable. And currently, many jobs can also be done remotely. This can be a new chapter for you and you still have your whole life in front of you. Just be easy on yourself - treat yourself well - and this is not it for you - it's a new beginning.
Someone who ignores all the red flags - bereavement, guilt, withdrawal from employment, injury, disability - in his own fifteen year history that completely is not taking good care of himself. And if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of other people.
I'm sure you do feel depression, anger and resentment. Also fear, I should think. But it's got nothing to do with your Dad. Who can you consult about your own health?
I disagree. How can you claim the OP is not a good caregiver to the father? A person can provide excellent care even if they hate and resent it at times.
I would know. I did it for 25 years. Adults can control their emotions and responses.
If the OP can't work because of a disability, then they can't.
Caregiving can cause depression, anxiety, and resentment under even the best of circumstances.
Can you look up some of the many OCD workbooks offered on Amazon, or in your public library?
Regarding falls, as folks age, they fall. It is truly inevitable. My mom fell with 2 aides in her room. I was complaining to a discharge planning nurse about how awful I felt about that and she said " honey, my mom fell with 3 RNs in the room, and one of them was ME, her daughter."
It sounds like dad can be left alone safely for an hour or so. Get and go to the library. Take a walk. Download a meditation app and try doing that a few times a week.
No, I'm not on an SSRI. I was on an SSRI, but I quit it after 16 years. Those drugs are chemical lobotomies. They make things worse.
I have the worst kind of OCD there is, Harm OCD, and I've had it since 1995. But I'll make it.
I'll be fine.
You are allowed to be stressed. You are allowed to feel you accomplished your dads healing.. along with God and your god given skills for caring...
You are allowed to ask... what's next.
You are allowed to take a bit of time off, maybe place him in a facility near you, so you can be FAMILY, LOVED ONE, then overseer of care taking, and let someone else lift him and help you out...so you can ENJOY DAD. less resentment. play music, laugh, dance, games, memories.... happy memories
You write - I feel trapped even though logically I know I shouldn't feel depression, anger, resentment.
There is no "shouldn't" about feelings. They are what they are. I see reason why you feel that way. Your life has been devastated by your own injury and by your dad's illness.
That's a lot to cope with. You can't stay mentally/emotionally healthy focusing only on someone else. I expect you still have some grief to deal both over your own disability and your dad's cancer.
I agree with others - time to focus on your self again and build your life back up to something fulfilling for you. Promising your mum you would care for your dad does not have to mean hands on.
How much longer can you keep this up? You count too. You need to take as good care of you as you do of your dad.
If you are "on" all the time you may be ADD or ADHD, or something else. It would be good for you to get an evaluation. It is in my family and comes with anxiety as well. Hard to turn the brain off. Find support for yourself in working through your issues.
Wishing you all the best in making whatever changes are necessary to improve your life. A counsellor/therapist could be a good place to start. I find them helpful.
I have OCD. OCD people are hyper-vigilant and hyper-responsible.
I have prayed for guidance. I hope I can discern what to do. Thank you for your kind words.
It can be hard to figure out what to do next. I would get on that waiting list for therapy.
To take a break, you have to hire caregivers or have dad in a facility for a few weeks for respite care, designed to give burnt out caregivers a break. He probably won't like it but it's for you not him.
You deserve to be happy too. Not just your dad. Take care of yourself!
He recovered and your resentment and anger are there because you now realize you may have to continue taking care of him at the same capacity you have been for God knows how much longer.
All the doctors appointments, cooking, cleaning and a million other things you have to do for him. It.makes me tired just thinking about it.
You know this is something you can't do physically, emotionally and financially.
Now it is up to you to pivot and change your caregiving to transitioning to being his son again.
You have to get back to work and trying to have a life. If dad needs extra help he will have to hire help or go into a facility.
What I am upset about, I think, is that I was hoping to have a more established life and have more things in order before he got sick. I was hoping for more time. And yes I'm worried about doing this long term, but only because I am worried about how bad it may get , having to make the hard decisions, and what will happen to me after.
I do need to have more of a life. I agree with you on this. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Thanks for your comment.