He refuses medical care, refuses to wear depends, and can not remember to take meds when needed. His memory is failing. He will sit in his waste for days until I make him angry enough to change. The hospital recently released him and told me there is nothing they can do that he has the right to refuse anything he wants to. They told me to deal with it.
Contact your local area's Council on Aging. They have friendly live people who can point you towards resources.
Also, call social services (online at your county's Dept of Health and Human Services) and have them come in for an assessment to provide in-home services. You can also ask them about helping him apply for Medicaid so that he can get placed in a care facility (if that's what YOU want and need. It no longer matters what he wants...)
If you want control you will have to pursue guardianship in the courts. If you are willing to allow him to become a ward of the county, they can do this. It will separate all his finances from yours and you won't be consulted or informed about any of his finances or medical. You won't have any say what facility he is placed. But you would still be married and can carry on your relationship and have access. You just won't be making any decisions for him.
I think a 1-hr consult with an experienced elder law attorney can help you see the best pathway forward, especially if you are joint on things like a home loan, credit cards, car loans, have co-mingled funds in the bank, etc. and if he needs to apply for Medicaid (the state has a "look-back" period that can be as long as 5 years). It's not cheap but will prepare the best and fastest track forward while protecting your assets. It is money well spent (think of how much you would be willing to pay to repair your car...)
You have your hands full and this is all very exhausting on every level. If he goes into the ER or hospital again, you can refuse to take him back into your home and tell them it would be an "unsafe discharge". Just keep saying that and refusing to take him. Eventually they will place him somewhere and you can work on solutions after that point. I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with this. May you receive help, wisdom, solutions, rest and peace in your heart.
And you have a minor child in the home as well.
Do you have durable PoA for your husband?
Is he on any medications for his ALZ or depression?
How is your financial situation? Are you working?
He has some complicated medical stuff going on. What is your goal for yourself and your child in all of this? What would you consider a solution for your situation?